Finding out the gender « Back to Group Discussions

[CCoello]

Sometimes it seems like my husband and I are the only two people on the planet who are waiting until the birth to find out the gender. That used to be the way it was for everyone and now it seems like a bizarre choice.

What about you? Are you waiting or not waiting? And why?

[IntuitiveJamie]

The short answer is that I want to know and since I can in advance, I shall.

[sallyrae17]

I'm totally waiting. You have so few good surprises in life and the gender of your baby is one of them! I also feel that a lot of women I know create an entire identity for their baby once they find out the gender...such as, this baby is going to be named Thomas and he's going to blah blah blah. I had names picked out for both genders and none of them fit my son! I couldn't imagine picking out a name before even seeing the baby and painting it on the walls. But, hey, that's just me. I'm in the minority. 

Plus, I feel that waiting really helps with motivation when you are in labor. 

[Thebyr]

We're waiting. It was originally the Hubs' idea - but then I got on board because I didn't want to ruin it for him. I'm putting in predictions though - he's just waiting until we meet baby tba. It's fun to wait... I want to be surprised. It makes other people mad though... they'll get over it.

[Knitting Mama]

We are absolutely hoping to find out, for a couple of reasons.

1. Gender disappointment exists, and ignoring it or pretending it isn't real doesn't work for me. I want the time to be at peace with what we find, which feels more and more every day like is going to be a boy.

2. Finding out the baby's gender helps me to feel more connected and more like "this is a real live baby in here" instead of "I am a pregnant woman," if that makes any sense. Like, this baby is on par with my out-of-the-womb child, and because he/she is inside me, I need to take the best care of me possible so I can take the best care of him/her as possible. I feel like that is easier for me to do when I have a face and a name attached to the baby.

3. The more material reason is because I love to craft and plan things before the baby comes, and I want to know who I am making stuff for! I did some really cute personalized stuff for Cecilia before she came, and seeing her things in the nursery (which is now a playroom given that she sleeps with us) made me SO excited for her to be here! I can't wait to start making more personalized things for this baby too!

[LilyTiger]

We're waiting too, partially because of what Sallyrae said.  We know two people who just gave birth and they were calling the baby by the name they had picked out like four months before the kiddo was born.  We just didn't want that kind of experience.  Plus, it's fun.  I'm also not a big pink/blue person, so this forces people to buy/find green/yellow/neutral colors and clothes.  Once the kid gets here s/he'll get plenty of gender specific stuff anyway.  But it does annoy people, doesn't it?  My mom is just dying to know.

[Ninetales]

I waver, but I'm pretty sure we're not going to find out.  For me, I think I'd be more likely to be disappointed if I found out before than at the birth.  I also like bonding with the baby without knowing who exactly it is - it just feels like a different (not better, just different) level, and I enjoy that.

If it puts things in perspective about my personality, I'm definitely the kind of person who enjoys the anticipation of something.  When I was about ten I was in our basement looking for something and came across the Christmas presents.  I cried for days because I'd "ruined" the surprise.  I got my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at midnight on release day and saved it until the next day because I didn't want it to be over.  That kind of thing.

I know I won't regret not finding out, but I might regret finding out.  It does make me sad though, that the tech and the doctor will know.  I loved the fact with my first, that absolutely nobody knew. 

I do find it funny that I get two different reactions when I tell people we're not finding out.  From people over 50: "Good for you!"  From people under 50: "You suck!"  It makes me laugh how it drives people crazy that I choose not to find out - hello!  It's my baby, if I can wait, you can too!  :D

Edited by Ninetales - 2/9/12 at 8:57am

[NewMumJoy]

Kudos to all of you who are waiting to find out the gender; I definitely appreciate your reasoning behind waiting - however I simply just don't have that willpower!  I guess I'm more of a "planner" who wants to know an answer if it's out there (I'm a constant wonderer).... But mostly, I feel that knowing the gender will help me bond sooner and better with our son/daughter, rather than just envisioning "baby" this whole time (similar to Cecila's Mama's #2 explanation).  I NEVER peaked at Christmas presents as a kid, and when someone tells me there's a surprise I can leave it at that - but in this case it is something I'd like to know if I could!

[LittleBirdy]

I definitely want to find out, which is a stark contrast from my first pregnancy where I wanted to be surprised.

I think the difference is that this is likely my last child, so I will either be a mom of 2 boys or a mom of one of each.  There were so many emotions brewing inside of me during DS's 1st week of life - while I love him fiercely, it was not love at first site for me - it took time.  I would be really afraid of throwing some gender disappointment into that PP hormone mix.  And from a practical standpoint, I have boxes and boxes of very boyish baby clothes in my closet.  I am dying to get organized for this baby, and the first step is finding out whether those boxes are getting unpacked or donated.

We do keep the name a secret until birth though, which I think is a fun surprise to reveal.

[rebecca10]

We will find out definitely.  I'm not one for suspense-- I'm the type person who flips to the last page of a novel when I'm half way through--so it's never even been a question for us.  And I agree with the reasons Cecilia's Mama explained, although unfortunately,  I doubt I'll be handmaking any crafts

[Sol_y_Paz]

When I find out the gender it will be a real honest surprise, no matter what month I find out.  I have been waiting not so patiently for months already!  Heck, I am still happily surprised to be pregnant.  

[KristyDi]

We will be finding out.  We did with our first too.  I don't understand the explanation that people want to be surprised.  You're going to be surprised whenever you find out, you're just delaying the surprise.  I don't care that people want to wait, the most oft expressed reason just doesn't resonate with me.

There are several reasons I want to know the gender before baby gets here.  1st, I really want a boy and it's pretty likely that this is our last child.  If it's not a boy, I'd like some time to deal with that before the baby is here.  I want to be able to get any grieving for the boy I won't have out of the way so I can be totally welcoming and excited to welcome a girl. Conversely, because of a rocky relationship with his own dad and fears about how to be a dad to a boy, DH is hoping for another girl.  So he'd need time to come to terms with a boy.

And secondly, dd has decided without question that the baby is a boy.  We've tried to convince her that we don't know, but her opinion is fixed and she will not be moved.  So knowing in advance will let us either confirm that it's a boy or prepare her for a sister, not a brother.

[Tizzy]

We found out for our first two (boys), but didn't with the third. One because I couldn't be bothered with an ultrasound, and two because it was such a cool surprise!  Mind you the entire pregnancy was completely different from the first two (which were identical!) so if it wasn't a girl, I would have been completely shocked.

But this time I'd really like to find out. I have a lot of purging I would like to do, mostly of clothes - the bins and bins and bins of clothes we've been keeping are just really annoying me.

[Harmony08]

I was really on the fence about finding out the last time around but it was such a wonderful wonderful surprise (yes at 20 weeks!)  It is a surprise whenever you find out.  It made me sooooo happy and connected me so much.  We are those people who picked out his name that night and called him by it for the rest of his life.  It fit, it is perfect, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I am absolutely ready to find out this time.  I just want it to be certain. I don't want to be told one thing and have it be the other, ya know?

[Ninetales]

Originally Posted by KristyDi 

We will be finding out.  We did with our first too.  I don't understand the explanation that people want to be surprised.  You're going to be surprised whenever you find out, you're just delaying the surprise.  I don't care that people want to wait, the most oft expressed reason just doesn't resonate with me.

Well, for me, I like the feeling of an upcoming surprise.  So I like the long wait, and the building up of anticipation. 

To throw the Christmas present thing back out there, sure it's a surprise whenever you find out, but I would rather get my presents on Christmas Day, not Halloween.  It just feels different for some reason.  Unfortunately that's the best way I can think of to explain my reasoning. 

And what's funny is I find it hard to understand being a "planner" as a reason to find out.  I'm totally a planner - in fact I'd say I'm an overplanner.  But I don't feel like I need to know the baby's sex in order to plan what I need to.  I thinks it's really interesting how people just have different perspectives on things like that.  :)

[AdinaL]

We'll be finding out. The only thing we do is the 20 week ultrasound, and our daughter will want to know.  I think it will help her, and will help DH and I narrow down names and feel more prepared.  With our daughter I didn't want to know until she came out. LOL Then I got in the room for the 20 week u/s and realized I could find out and then I had to know. LOL  Whether we tell anyone beyond family is another matter. LOL

With B, I was convinced that the child was a boy.  Absolutely 100% convinced.  I was surprised and slightly unhappy about finding out it was a girl.  Not because I didn't want a girl, but because it was such a surprise.  I appreciated having that time to get over that before she made her appearance.  

[LilyTiger]

Ninetales, you're exactly like me!  I plan everything, but I just don't see the sex being relevant to my planning.  And I love the idea of building up the anticipation until the big day.  Oddly too, though I want a boy, for me personally I think it would be easier to deal with it being a girl if I found out at the birth because I'll just be so freaking excited to have a baby.  I would overthink it if I found out ahead of time.  Ultimately, different strokes for different folks.  We're excited to have a boy's name and a girl's name and a beautiful green nursery that will grow with the babe.  And that's all we need to know for now.

[onetrumpeter]

neat to read people's thoughts on this.  We found out for both our daughter and then son.  And after we found out about my son I said if we were ever to be pregnant again I'd skip the 20 wk u/s altogether and just find everything out at the birth!  But I don't really think like that now, strangely.  I want to know.  I also have this very odd feeling about (if we get the 20 wk u/s) someone else knowing (the tech, presumably) and then myself NOT knowing lol.  It sounds so weird but...  I just think that way, I guess.  Lastly, I did love being able to pray for and talk to our little ones in utero by name (and we did name them once we found out) and I think that might be really nice for our kids to be able to talk about our little baby that way.  That being said it would be fun to be surprised on the actual birth day.  But I'm pretty sure we'll try to find out prior.

[monkeyscience]

We will probably find out. dh definitely wants to, I am on the fence. I've actually been in the want-to-be-surprised-at-the-birth camp pretty much my whole life, but actually being pregnant has changed my mind a little. I'm just not sure what to buy/register for if I don't know the gender. I've been looking, trust me, and have not been finding a lot that I'd be comfortable putting either a boy or a girl in. And honestly, I'd kind of like to just have an answer when people ask what we're having, instead of dealing with the reactions to us not finding out. I know - it sounds weak. But I'm already dealing with people's reactions to the fact that I'm planning an unmedicated birth in a birth center, and that's a far more important crusade for me. But, barring medical issues, we're only doing one more ultrasound (besides the one done at 8 weeks, also at my dh's insistence), so if baby refuses to reveal his/her gender at that point, we won't be doing any more to find out. We have picked out baby names, and the two of us will probably call the baby by name when we find out the gender, but we won't tell anyone else, and we won't be buying/making anything with baby's name on it till after baby is born, because I can't decide on a final name until I've actually held the baby. I know my parents went to the hospital set on naming me one thing, and then decided that it just wasn't the right name after I was born. I also have a brother who was called a girl's name (the same one intended for me, in fact) throughout my mom's pregnancy, and it didn't seem to hurt him any.

On the other hand, I'm hopeful that we'll have a surprise with a future pregnancy, should there be any. Once I already have stuff for one gender of baby (some of which will undoubtedly be reusable for either gender), I'll be less worried about it.

[Veritas Vitae]

Sometimes I think I'd like to wait, but DP definitely wants to know, and I definitely won't mind knowing. He won't even consider names until we know the gender. Mostly I don't want to know because I think I would prefer to get more gender neutral clothes, I don't want frilly girly things or boys clothes with sports things on it.  But I also don't want clothes with characters on them (i.e. Pooh, Disney, other cartoons).  I feel like not knowing the sex would prevent a lot of that sort of stuff. If I do know the sex, there is no way I could keep it from my family. I don't have anything against boy or girl specific clothes, I actually really like some of them, and will buy some, I just prefer more basic clothes.  Solid colors, patterns, stripes. polka-dots. I'd also like the nursery/playroom and all of my baby items (wrap/carseat, etc) to be gender neutral.  As the child gets older he or she can decide what sort of clothes/items they like and we can get those.  I just hope it isn't a bunch of cartoon/show apparel/items.  However, judging by my nieces and friends' children, I won't be able to avoid it. I'm sure I'll end up with Yo Gabba Gabba or Spiderman items at some point. 

I am trying to figure out how I want to find out though.  At the time of my 20 week u/s, my DP will have moved to NC, and I will still be in FL (waiting until my new little niece is born!) and I will not be joining him until a week or two later.  I wanted us to find out together, so I could (1) look into some sort of weblink so he could be involved (2) have the u/s tech put the sex in the envelope and then we could find out together in person or (3) I could find out at the appt and then find some creative way to tell him, which could be super fun.