SPD or put my back out or something - can't walk or stand, very depressed « Back to Group Discussions

[BigMamaBear]

I got up this morning, got a drink and went to pee, got dressed but didn't feel like cooking or facing the day yet, so I climbed back in bed with the youngest three and stuck blues clues on the tv and chilled for a couple episodes. Everything seemed fine. 

Then I went to get up to make breakfast and found that I couldn't stand up at all. Somehow it must have gone wrong in that time I was sitting watching blues clues? I don't understand how. I crawled to the kitchen, which was agonizing, and every time I move my left leg forward my pelvis pops. It feels like my symphisis pubis, but I usually feel it mostly in the front - this is in the back too, so maybe I pulled a muscle too? Pelvis is definitely popping and things. Got to the kitchen but couldn't stand up. So my 9 year old suggested she make everyone cereal and I went back to bed. By the time I made it across the hallway back to my room it was just unbareable. I can hardly move. So I dragged my laptop over and contacted my husband, who came home with easily grabbable food, my maternity belt and an arm to help me to the couch. Even with his help it was embarrassingly difficult and incredibly awkward.

He has important meetings today but is planning on nipping home in between to change the baby's diapers. And my 9 year old is helping. I keep hoping it'll pop back in place or something but it's so sore and just stiff as a log. 


Here's some history though. I've been a burden for the past 1-2 years. Between a mystery chronic abdominal pain condition (for 2 years) and then a chronic muscle/joint pain issue that started maybe 10 months ago, and subsequently, depression for a few months, I just feel like someone needs to put me out of my misery already. I'm constantly getting bugs and getting sick and unable to do the jobs I want to be able to do for my family. I'm so sick of myself i can't describe it. I don't know why my husband sticks around and supports me like he does. He's amazing, my kids are amazing, my life is amazing - my body is just not amazing and I feel like I'm the bad seasoning ruining the whole dish.

I've been trying so hard this past week. Friends kept advising me to get out more, exercise more, it'll help the depression etc. So I've been trying, but it makes my pain so much worse. But I've pushed on, tried to stay off computer, closed my facebook account and spent more time being up and about with the kids, playing in the snow, getting tons of activity, being totally present and available. It was good for the spirit for sure. But I guess I've over done it now and put my pelvis out and I'm now in an even worse position where I'm plopped like a fat beached whale on the couch depending on my husband upsetting his whole day to come and change fricking diapers. I feel so useless and sick of being such a physical burden all the time. Sick of being such a downer. Can't pull myself out of it. 

And now I need to pee and have no idea how to get to the bathroom never mind put my support brace back on when I'm done. Argh. 

Who am I supposed to see about this? I know it sounds stupid...but I'm planning for my 3rd home birth and don't want to end up in crutches or something because it'll make me look less healthy. I'm already overweight with hypothyroid and chronic pain issues and I feel like I should be a healthy, skinny, yoga zen mom to be allowed the joy of home birth.  I worry if I end up in crutches or something my mw/dr will be like, "ugh, ok come on, you're not fit for this".  There's nothing really that can be done anyway right? For SPD? Just the brace or crutches and wait it out . I've had it a couple times before and it was almost this bad in my second pregnancy. I didn't have 5 kids to look after at the same time though...so it's more challenging. 

Thanks for enduring my novel. 

[scowgirl]

I don't know anything about SPD, but I did want to say that this is not your fault and I am so sorry you are in so much pain and feeling so bad about yourself. I know it must be beyond frustrating to have had to deal with illnesses for this long and not be able to do what you want to do for your family. However, from what you have written, I can just tell that your DH and kids are happy to help out as needed because they love you. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, but since there isn't I just wanted to say, don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know!) and make sure you get the rest and care you need. Again, this is not your fault and your family loves you very much. Hugs and good thoughts to you. 

[BigMamaBear]

Originally Posted by scowgirl 

I don't know anything about SPD, but I did want to say that this is not your fault and I am so sorry you are in so much pain and feeling so bad about yourself. I know it must be beyond frustrating to have had to deal with illnesses for this long and not be able to do what you want to do for your family. However, from what you have written, I can just tell that your DH and kids are happy to help out as needed because they love you. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, but since there isn't I just wanted to say, don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know!) and make sure you get the rest and care you need. Again, this is not your fault and your family loves you very much. Hugs and good thoughts to you. 

Made me tear up. Thanks. They are happy to help me out and be there for me, and that almost makes me feel worse. I wish they'd just get mad at me some time or something, as stupid as that sounds. I feel like I've used up my sympathy cards a long time ago, I don't know that I'd have the same patience if I was in the supporting role in this. I wish I would, but honestly I don't know how well I'd do. 

I'm used to priding myself in sucking it up and taking it on the chin. That was who I was, the one who was strong enough. I feel like I'm losing my identity. Melodramatic I know. I'm just fed up being in pain all the time and not being able to control it or be useful. I was getting ready to see a rheumatologist to get a diagnosis but then got pregnant and decided to put it off. Then it was better for a while, but flaring up now. And now the SPD, just to make sure I meet my complaining quota. I'm a stay at home mom - that's my job; if I can't even cook and clean the house and dress the kids, what am I even contributing? I'm just using up space and resources. I hate it.

Anyway I made it to the bathroom ok, hehe. Not in a very dignified manner! (I'll look back and laugh, I'll look back and laugh) And managed to get the brace back on, but not properly. And I'm using the high chair as a zimmer frame, which looks rediculous but at least I can get places. My daughter is making lunch for everyone. It's a long day but I'll get through. 

[MaerynPearl]

It sounds like a mix of your alignment going out and SPD. SPD wouldn't usually just suddenly happen like that... but if you threw our back out a little it could totally throw off the alignment of your pelvis and make it severe pain.

Who you should see: A chiropractor or physical therapist who specializes in spinal alignment. 

I have SPD. It sucks. But the chiropractor makes it much better! Never 100% but definitely a HUGE difference. I could go in barely able to walk and walk out only hurting a little (and it should happen that quickly even!)

If you can find one who is both a chiro and a p.t. I highly suggest going with them, my own experience is they tend to be able to care for you both if it's your alignment and if your muscles are what is throwing off the alignment (giving you exercises to do to keep yourself from getting into that pain again)

I hope everything turns out well! I know I'm already having issues even doing small things around my house :( SPD can really suck... but there is help!

[scowgirl]

Originally Posted by BigMamaBear 

I'm used to priding myself in sucking it up and taking it on the chin. That was who I was, the one who was strong enough. I feel like I'm losing my identity. Melodramatic I know. I'm just fed up being in pain all the time and not being able to control it or be useful. I was getting ready to see a rheumatologist to get a diagnosis but then got pregnant and decided to put it off. Then it was better for a while, but flaring up now. And now the SPD, just to make sure I meet my complaining quota. I'm a stay at home mom - that's my job; if I can't even cook and clean the house and dress the kids, what am I even contributing? I'm just using up space and resources. I hate it.

Using the high chair as a walker is genius! Necessity is the mother of invention, eh?

I have to say that the comments you make about "not contributing" and "using up space and resources" are some of the same thoughts that go through my head, and I think they are pretty destructive. Not to imply that you "shouldn't" have them or anything like that, but my therapist used to talk to me about this line of thought and to some extent she helped me see that the value of a person is intrinsic. Of course you want to do a great job as a SAHM and take care of your home--that is just because you have a good work ethic and want to do right by your family. But when you can't, your value to your family doesn't go away. I was unemployed for 3 years (initially by choice; I was going to go back to school--then because I couldn't find a job in the 2008-2010 time frame, and to be honest I was dragging my feet because I don't enjoy working in my field) and that whole time I felt terrible. Now granted, if DH's and my marriage were a purely financial, tit-for-tat transaction, I would have reason to feel terrible because I wasn't "contributing." There have been many times when I have been at my most depressed and told him he should just divorce me and find somebody better because I am worthless. But that's not how he thinks of the equation. He wants to be married to me because he loves me, and although obviously it's always easier to have more money, it didn't really bother him that I wasn't working outside the home, even though we don't have kids yet. He just wants me to be happy. (And yes, I know I am very lucky to have him.) IME people like us who tend to discount our worth as human beings think in these terms of "I'm not contributing anything, how can my family stand me?" but our loved ones don't really think in those same terms. Because we have awesome families, they love us and want what's best for us. Not to mention the fact that, again, it's definitely not your fault that you have been ill and injured. I'm sure you would do the same for your DH if necessary--when times get tough, people seem to have a way of stepping up to the plate and doing what is needed for our families.

I know this is kind of stream-of-consciousness and I may not be expressing my thoughts very well, but basically I just wanted to say that this strikes a chord with me, and to say again that it makes me sad to hear you feeling so bad about yourself. You ARE a worthwhile person, wife, and mother even if you can't keep a spotless house right now. Obviously you have done a terrific job raising your kids since your DD is being so helpful on a day when Mom needs a little extra assistance.

I know the SPD part is going to really suck, though. I'm sorry you are going through that. I hope some of MaerynPearl's suggestions help!

Again, hugs to you 

[blumooned]

It's already been said, but this is not your fault!  You're not a burden to your family.  They take care of you because they love you & they want to help you get well.  I bet you would do the same for them. 

I'm sorry you feel crappy, both physically & emotionally.  I really hope things get better soon.  I would see someone - it looks like MaerynPearl gave some good leads.

[BigMamaBear]

Thanks so much for the encouragement and advice. 

It started to get worse and worse yesterday and even crawling a few feet to the bathroom had me crying and cursing. And I started to get kind of panicky about it. I couldn't sit up or reposition myself in bed, it was really bad. But in the middle of the night I managed to get upright and shuffle to the bathroom! Which is a big improvement. Ans since then I've gotten upright again and shuffled over to the other side of the room to get some things for the kids. I know it sounds like nothing, but it's a BIG improvement and makes me feel like this is just something pulled out of place temporarily. I'm certain I haven't avoided the SPD this time around, but I feel hopeful that it won't be THIS bad the whole time! Just got to get over this hump and then I'll hopefully be able to work on the exercises etc again to keep it under control. I'll look into what our insurance will cover as far as chiropracters etc.
Phew, what a rough day. But just a day! I can handle one or two of those at a time. 

[scowgirl]

Great news! I hope it continues to improve.