Oh, milestones... Is it just me?

[BK Mommy]

Hi there,

Not sure what this post is...a rant, a question...but I just wanted to see how others feel.  I find that strangers and mostly other parents are always asking me what my daughter is doing (milestone wise)..."is she walking yet?," "what is she saying?" etc.  And then I find that people like to compare, which I'm not sure what to make of.  To be honest, I find mommy meet-ups to be a lot like this too.

What do you guys think about people going right into asking about your LO's progress in meeting milestones?  And do you have any good ways of nipping it in the bud? 

Thanks!

[bookwise]

i have a friend who has a baby boy that was born the day before my daughter... so there's always comparisons. somewhat, it's just natural - i get that. it is pretty interesting how similar they are in some ways, but still distinct in their personalities. ;)

but the comparisons still bother me so what i try to do is whenever someone is marveling how my daughter is standing so great and how he's not even crawling yet, etc, then i'll point out something i admire about him that my daughter isn't doing yet. it's easy since he's speaking some words already, has a gorgeous head of hair, and is overall a total charmer. anyhow, i'm not sure it's the totally right response - after all, it's still doing comparisons - but at least it's more of a give-and-take. what ends up happening is the sharing in the delight of having babies, rather than one baby 'winning'.

what complicates it, for me, is that this friend works for my mom, we have more money than she does, and my daughter has light hair and blue eyes versus her son is indigenous (i live in south america), so there's already this assumption (not held by me but by many in the society in general, unfortunately), that my daughter will be prettier, smarter, etc than other babies.

what makes it easier for me though, thankfully!, is that there is much less emphasis on the milestones than there is in the u.s., or at least that's my impression. people love love babies here, babywearing is very common, etc, so everyone's happy to let them stay babies for as long as they want. ;)

anyhow, just my perspective - and it's kinda unique to the situation we're in, but i hope still helpful. and more than anything, rant away! it drives me nuts when people compare babies too - they're just babies for goodness' sakes, i want to say, don't put your issues on them. sigh.

[akind1]

I don't know if there is any good way to nip it in the bud as an overall thing - because I think it just comes naturally to a conversation - however I do have responses depending on the particular milestone.

DD is nearly 4 months, so the biggie is - "Is she sleeping through the night?" and I say, she wakes once (normally) to eat, and I like it that way. I also add that I get more sleep now than I did while pregnant and waking to pee all the time, so I'm sleeping much better!

Other things . . . especially related to mobility - I am honest about - I think alot of the questions stem from curiosity. Any mama who has had a baby that has hit any milestones super early can tell you that hitting milestones early has its pitfalls.

I do find just repeating things back sometimes - Like N is standing so well! - I just say yes, she is! -

With DS, alot of people have remarked that he doesn't say much. 1)he's a bit slow to warm up to people and 2) he understands a whole lot, but just doesn't say more than one word at a time. People try to give me hints to get him talking more, but I just say, I'm happy with where he's at - he's adding new words all the time - and honestly, once he does start really talking, I will probably wish he wasn't! LOL

I try to combat things with sarcasm and humor.

[Asiago]

I find it irritaing also, just this 'rush' to get one's child past infancy and maturing as soon as possible. It's the industrial world mindset, children are rushed toward independance in hope of success as an adult. I have read a bit about child rearing in different cultures and it is mind boggling how they differ. 

[Glimmersnaps]

@bookwise I know what you mean about the complexion stuff... DH is Indian so we hear a lot of color comments from his family. His brother had a baby girl around the same time and there are lots of comparisons between them. I'm glad though that they weren't both girls because then it would have been worse :( 

I get the sleeping through the night A LOT. Sometimes I fib and say yes because I don't want to hear about how he needs to CIO or whatever... although I DO wish he would figure out how to connect his sleep cycles already! That's another story...

Also he was an early walker and it makes me really uncomfortable when people say negative things about their children in comparison to him. ("Look at that baby he's younger than you and he's walking! Don't be lazy!"). I feel like I have to apologize for his advanced gross motor skills ("Oh but he doesn't point or clap his hands yet!"). It's kind of dumb.

[tjjazzy]

i've learned to say "she sleeps very well" to my MIL's questions about sleeping through the night (she is obsessed with this for some reason.) i don't like the talking that goes on behind my back so i try to keep it positive. i forget sometimes but i try.

[cat13]

I know there are people out there who want to judge because of when a baby hits milestones, but I think the majority of it comes from well meaning people who just want to ask questions and get to know you and the baby. 

As a new parent and someone who has never been around babies, I'm always asking these things of parents with babies older than DS, because I have no clue what milestones are coming when. I understand that every baby learns at their own rate, but it's fun to think "oh, THAT's what DS is going to start doing in the next couple months."

Also, I find that as a new mama who is trying to make other mom friends, babies are the first things we have in common. So it's often the first thing we talk about to break the ice, almost like talking about the weather with a co-worker.

But if it bothers you, or if it is going into an icky-competitive vibe, I like what PP said about using humor. :)

[LivingSky]

to what tjjazzy said, about sleeping through the night. I just say "He's a great sleeper!". Because by my definition, he is When it comes to the crawling and walking stuff, I just laugh and say he can wait to move for as long as he wants. I like that he stays where I put him! I'd be happy if he waited until 2

[RStelle]

Some of it is just curiosity, my friend has a baby the same age as mine and it is fun to compare them. We are good friends and there's no competition going on, so it's fine. But other times it can be annoying. I hate when the non-AP parents are comparing-- if you put rice cereal in the formula of course your baby is going to sleep longer than my bf baby, that doesn't make your baby better than DD. Also, I feel like some parents really want to put other babies down, like they can't handle it if their baby doesn't do everything first. DD is very verbal, sometimes parents almost seem to get mad at me because she talks all ready.  Then why did they ask how many words she says if you can't handle the answer? While I'm complaining, I hate how everyone always asks if she is a 'good baby'. What does that mean? How would a baby be bad? Like if they were an ax murdering baby?

[my mountain]

I think we need to come up with different milestones that aren't the norm.  My favorite is when my 3 year old learned to vomit into the toilet, bet they won't ask about that.  Or when my daughter finally learns to brush her own hair, or when they learn to wipe their own butts.  I want to know about those.  Walking, taling and sleeping are at their own pace, don't worry about what other people say.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Glimmersnaps 

Also he was an early walker and it makes me really uncomfortable when people say negative things about their children in comparison to him. ("Look at that baby he's younger than you and he's walking! Don't be lazy!"). I feel like I have to apologize for his advanced gross motor skills ("Oh but he doesn't point or clap his hands yet!"). It's kind of dumb.

I know how you feel - my ds is 3yo now, but he walked at 8.5mo. It was insane. I always told other parents to be happy they weren't walking yet! I didn't want my ds to be an early walker - I wanted him to wait until he was 14-16mo! Oh well, he's still pretty awesome

[cat13]

Originally Posted by RStelle 

Some of it is just curiosity, my friend has a baby the same age as mine and it is fun to compare them. We are good friends and there's no competition going on, so it's fine. But other times it can be annoying. I hate when the non-AP parents are comparing-- if you put rice cereal in the formula of course your baby is going to sleep longer than my bf baby, that doesn't make your baby better than DD. Also, I feel like some parents really want to put other babies down, like they can't handle it if their baby doesn't do everything first. DD is very verbal, sometimes parents almost seem to get mad at me because she talks all ready.  Then why did they ask how many words she says if you can't handle the answer? While I'm complaining, I hate how everyone always asks if she is a 'good baby'. What does that mean? How would a baby be bad? Like if they were an ax murdering baby?

I think I have a new comeback the next time someone asks if DS is a good baby!

Originally Posted by my mountain 

I think we need to come up with different milestones that aren't the norm.  My favorite is when my 3 year old learned to vomit into the toilet, bet they won't ask about that.  Or when my daughter finally learns to brush her own hair, or when they learn to wipe their own butts.  I want to know about those.  Walking, taling and sleeping are at their own pace, don't worry about what other people say.

I will MOST DEFINITELY be bragging about this milestone when it comes!

[BK Mommy]

Mymountain, that is fantastic. You made me smile!

[Blanca78]

Totally. Maybe I'm in a minority, but I don't mind when people ask milestone questions. I haven't noted a competitive spirit. I actually enjoy it, because it's an opportunity to talk about my baby. I also ask these questions of others because as a first time mom, I'm curious. It's a chance to bond with other parents over a shared interest. (And my baby is developing late, physically at least--almost 10 months and not crawling or really showing much motivation to.)

ETA: ITA w/Rstelle about the "good baby" thing. That bothers me, too.
 

Originally Posted by cat13 

I know there are people out there who want to judge because of when a baby hits milestones, but I think the majority of it comes from well meaning people who just want to ask questions and get to know you and the baby. 

As a new parent and someone who has never been around babies, I'm always asking these things of parents with babies older than DS, because I have no clue what milestones are coming when. I understand that every baby learns at their own rate, but it's fun to think "oh, THAT's what DS is going to start doing in the next couple months."

Also, I find that as a new mama who is trying to make other mom friends, babies are the first things we have in common. So it's often the first thing we talk about to break the ice, almost like talking about the weather with a co-worker.

But if it bothers you, or if it is going into an icky-competitive vibe, I like what PP said about using humor. :)