Need help dealing with special needs neighbor - Page 2

[Imakcerka]

Look, I wasn't telling you guys you were doing anything wrong as I don't thing that at all.  I really think this lady needs some help in understanding her role in her little community.  We're all slightly in this together and we really all have a lot to learn everyday.  Why be offended?  Seriously how did I say any parents here on this forum were not great SN parents. I think this is the absolutely right place for people to come and ask questions and understand.  And yes my child is SN.  I'm not coming here to be a douche. 

What bothered me about the boy in OP's situation is that this has happened in my family.  There are a few family members that want so bad for their SN kids to be accepted as just another kid in the neighborhood that they don't do a whole lot to actually help.   However that doesn't mean that the Mother in the OP's story wasn't doing all she could.  And honestly I think the Mother of the SN kid should keep her kids away from less than tolerant people.  But it's not popular opinion so I'll shove it.  What do I know, right? 

Edited to say, I still feel really stupid for not getting that something was going on with my kid.  She's not just spirited or difficult.  I caused her more pain than necessary. 

Edited by Imakcerka - 2/12/12 at 1:35pm

[Imakcerka]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

This is a support board for moms of special needs. This is not the place to come to discuss the myriad of ways you think sn parents aren't doing things right.  Those conversations simple do not belong on this board. At all.

Would it be possible that this is a good place to learn what is the right ways to go about parenting and living in close proximity of a SN child?  This is where I learned about what was going on with my daughter.  This is where I learned I was not going about it the right way.  You can take that away all you want but that's just making it personal.

If you want honest opinions from special needs parents, you can get them here, but they often come with a dose of "this is how you sound to some one on the other side of things." A lot of parents of "normal" children really do not care to hear how they sound.

Right but that's all the pretty much been done.  Very little in actual educating.

There is a massive difference between  a child being permanently removed from the bus for bad behavior, and the parent and school working and struggling together to figure out what actually works for a child. It's not that you were keeping your post short, it's that you don't understand.

Part of it's your word choice. For example, the more I think about it, the less I'm convinced that a person on the spectrum is capable or bullying another person because bullying is about power and control, and people on the spectrum aren't wired to be that twisted.
 

There is a difference between "socially unacceptable behavior" and "bullying and terrorizing."   You lumped them all together. It's not that its shorter, it's that you weren't precise in your word choice.

You are wanting help learning to communicate better with this child. Part of the problem is with your lack of precise language. Most humans need language to be more precise that you use to understand what the other person means. (which is why  seem to be calling you out -- you didn't use precise language in this thread, so I thought one thing was your reality when it was really wasn't. I was going by what you said). 

People on the spectrum need language to be far more precise that NT people do. 

The hi-lighted is important and what needed to be said from the beginning. 
 

[AbbyGrant]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Right but that's all the pretty much been done.  Very little in actual educating.

The hi-lighted is important and what needed to be said from the beginning. 

Did you read the whole thread?  There's been some excellent, practical, easy to understand advice given.  

[momof3tobe]

I am sorry this is offending anyone, believe me that wasn't my intention.  I think I used was as precise language as a parent of a non-special needs child could.  Obviously if my child was hitting and teasing and taunting it would be called bullying.  If I was told my child was no longer allowed to ride the bus for the rest of the year because of poor behavior, I would consider him kicked off the bus.  I am sorry I am ignorant to the different phrases that pertain to special needs children in these situations.  That was the reason I wanted to ask parents of special needs children some advise- because I thought that if I asked on the regular parenting board, the advice would just be "keep your kids away from him", or "tell the boy he can't play with your kids" and I wanted to see if there was a way I could avoid that.  

I was hoping to get some examples like "when my kids does this, this is what I say and that tends to help"- that type of thing.  I did get some good advice to be very literal and clear about what he can and can't do but this is going to require me to be on top of him and my kids all the time while they are playing and with a baby, this is going to be hard.  

[Piglet68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

...I thought that if I asked on the regular parenting board, the advice would just be "keep your kids away from him", or "tell the boy he can't play with your kids" and I wanted to see if there was a way I could avoid that.  

I was hoping to get some examples like "when my kids does this, this is what I say and that tends to help"- that type of thing.  I did get some good advice to be very literal and clear about what he can and can't do but this is going to require me to be on top of him and my kids all the time while they are playing and with a baby, this is going to be hard.  

Unfortunately, the advice here is pretty much the same, because none of us really can control the actions of another. I have a good deal of sympathy for this mum, but the bottom line is that YOU don't feel your kids are safe with him so something needs to be done about it and if she can't/won't you will have to step in. As I said before, all you can do is supervise your children. Yes, it's a pain in the butt, especially when you have other kids and a baby. But it's your reality, just as it was my reality that I could not ever leave my son to play with others unsupervised; I couldn't even just sit and knit and watch the kids play like the other moms did. No point complaining about it, that's just how it is. You find ways to make it work because you have no choice. 

I do agree with the previous poster who said that, frankly, ALL young children should be closely supervised, or at least have a lot of adults around so that social conflicts can be detected early on and the children guided through the situations. This is one of my big pet peeves with school. Unless you have a wide age range of kids playing together, they cannot be expected to just figure out how to deal with such things on their own, or from their peers (it's the blind leading the blind). I realize that you think a 6 or 9 year old should be able to play that way, but I disagree. I think we (as a society) overlook a good deal of what goes on between kids thinking it's "normal" or just part of life, when really its a lack of social coaching with kids left to fend for themselves and often coming up with some pretty dysfunctional ways of dealing with things (like name-calling, exclusion, teasing, etc).

Maybe if the mother realizes that you (or other parents) are doing the job of supervising the kids while they play she might think she should have a go at it. Lead by example, sort of thing.

The suggestion to call CPS is just so horrible I won't even go there. Like that mother needs more stress in her life. It's not like the kid is running around with a gun.

[kathymuggle]

You can't make this mother watch her child more closely.

I would just keep a good eye on my kids (as in : be outside) and intervene when needed with direct language.

I am not sure I would bother with a rules talk at the beginning of summer.  If the 9 year old seemed to want to play with your son while you were outside, and if your DS wanted to play with him,  I would go over some rules at the first sign of an issue "you can play with DS but only if you do not kick, punch, etc.  Ds is not allowed to hit you, either."  It might work…then again, it might not. This does not replace direct supervision.  I know this sucks for you, but it is what it is.  I would not allow my kid to be bullied or bully (OP used the word bully) - that is worse than missing a bit of outdoor play.

For it is worth, I have been there/done that.  You have my sympathy.  About 5 years ago we had a serious (neurotypical) bully that lived next door.  My kids sometimes wanted to play with him, and at other times did not   I spent a lot of times outdoors, and we had lots of outings to get a break from the situation.   This season of your life will not last forever.  I do not regret the direct supervision I did when the bullying situation was around, but I do wish I had put up firmer boundaries around my time  (had days that were "family" only, told my kids that yes they could go outside and play, but put limits on how long, etc.

Are there lifeguards at the pool?  Mine are pretty good about calling on kids for poor behaviour.  You might need to clue them in that you could use some support in this area.    

You might want to post on  "Talking Amongst Ourself" if you want a different POV.  I would leave out the stuff about SN - it is not overly relevant.  

Edited by kathymuggle - 2/12/12 at 8:21pm

[kathymuggle]

nm

[SpottedFoxx]

I think the OP's heart was in the right place and this thread is starting to get ugly.  Ladies, let's take a step back here.   Most of the NT community (with the exception of a few spectacular people) just don't understand our kids, what to make of them, how to interact with them, etc.  It doesn't make them bad or wrong - just inexperienced.  She may not be using the right "language" here but her intent was to ensure this child was not ostracized and was included in the activities of the other children in the neighborhood.  I think that is something we, as special needs parents, need to cultivate, not push away.  

As far as the bus situation, it's entirely possible there are three sides to that story (the bus driver's side, the Mom's side and the truth).  It doesn't mean the OP was lying - just means she's now heard a few different things about the issue.

OP - it's hard for you, not being a Mom of a special needs child, to offer advice.  If you did, chances are it would be blown off (lord knows I've done plenty of that from good natured people wanting to tell me how to raise my son but having no idea what it's like to have a child with special needs).  I don't think the Mom is in denial.  I think the Mom sounds overwhelmed, grieving (as previously stated) and struggling to just have her son be a kid.  You would probably be better off asking for her help than offering ideas.  "Mom, I've noticed that when things are busy, your son tends to do "x", how do you think we can react to help your son not do "x" which frightens/upsets/angers the other kids".    I think getting in the habit of informing all children who are playing at your home or in your yard of the expectations you have of them is always a good idea.  In my yard we do not throw things other than balls, we do not hit, kick or push.  We do have fun and play nicely and take turns.  If you have a problem that you cannot solve yourselves, please come and get me and I will help you.  When the boy comes over, include him on the speech so he knows what is expected of him.  Have consequences prepared for all children who do not comply - that way he is not singled out.  You may also want to share what you are doing with the other parents.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Love-

I have removed your post.  Please take the time to read the special needs parenting forum guidlines. 

Parenting the special needs child comes with many rewards and challenges that are unique to each family. This forum is a place to discuss these issues with like-minded members. The forum is open to all members and we encourage everyone to share and join in the discussions. Though in doing so, please be respectful of the forums purpose and the feelings of all our members.
 

Linda-

Your posts are becoming more and more personal, and you need to take a step back.  The OP came here for advice and with good intentions.  Please keep this in mind when responding. 

[FarmerBeth]

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

I am sorry this is offending anyone, believe me that wasn't my intention.  I think I used was as precise language as a parent of a non-special needs child could.  Obviously if my child was hitting and teasing and taunting it would be called bullying

  One of your earliest posts involved you instructing your children to use flippant phrases like "Go fly a kite" and so on.  And thinking this was OK because the special needs boy laughed (probably because he didn't understand the context). I think plenty of parents of non special needs children can manage better than that, it sounds like a tease, and it's confusing and inappropriate. My children's school would consider the phrases to be a case of bullying as much as a name call.  Bullying is when someone with more power controls and frightens someone with less power.  Older or not, does this boy really have a position of power over your kids? Hitting and name calling are obvious (I won't use teasing as an example because teasing requires understanding the social end of things more than it sounds like this boy can do).  Excluding, using sarcasm or harming someone's reputation are also bullying, but harder to notice, and neurotypical kids are pretty adept at this sort of bullying.  Most people have been on either side of the fence, or a bystander, at some point in their lives, your kids included.  I think this boy and his Mom are being somewhat villainized.  It's easier for him to be caught at his behavior because he doesn't know how to cover it up.  I don't think you mean offense, and I don't want to pick apart everything you said, but I really do think you could do with help with communication skills with any child.  We're on the second page of this thread and I still have no idea of whether the hitting is a jab or shove or really injurious, I have no idea as to what constitutes taunting, and the name calling sounds equivalent to what I hear on just about any playground from any kid (I work in the public school system) if they think the adults don't hear.

  If I was told my child was no longer allowed to ride the bus for the rest of the year because of poor behavior, I would consider him kicked off the bus.  I am sorry I am ignorant to the different phrases that pertain to special needs children in these situations.  That was the reason I wanted to ask parents of special needs children some advise- because I thought that if I asked on the regular parenting board, the advice would just be "keep your kids away from him", or "tell the boy he can't play with your kids" and I wanted to see if there was a way I could avoid that.  

Try the regular parenting board, too.  I bet some of those parents would also say that you need to be clear and that you need to supervise and mentor your kids.  That's just good, general parenting advice.

I was hoping to get some examples like "when my kids does this, this is what I say and that tends to help"- that type of thing.  I did get some good advice to be very literal and clear about what he can and can't do but this is going to require me to be on top of him and my kids all the time while they are playing and with a baby, this is going to be hard.  

Put the baby in a sling, bring everything you need, and watch your kids!  Anyone who has had multiple children in close succession has to do this (I had my three children in a four year period, and I was in a shared public space situation like yourself until the youngest was a year old).  Childcare workers do this.  People in busy cities with unsafe streets do this.  It isn't just people who have special needs kids who do this.  It sounds like you have a six year old, that is pretty young to be playing unsupervised away from a back yard or a quick walk to school with a buddy situation.  I live in farm and forest country with less safety factors (outside of wildlife and perhaps getting lost) to deal with, and still, most six year olds around here have a parent or a baby sitter age (11or so) sibling around if they are out of sight of the house.  If your pool doesn't have a lifeguard, you should be there, anyway, and if it does, then the lifeguard can be made aware of safety issues.

I don't think this situation is particularly about special needs, other than maybe needing to be especially clear.  The parenting boards are full of situations with difficult neighbourhood children situations.  Any advice you've been given (with exception to the ridiculous one about calling cps, the mother does seem to be handling some of the issues, it just sounds like she sees the "bullying" differently from you) is good sound advice for all parents of all kids.

[AbbyGrant]

Originally Posted by FarmerBeth 


I don't think this situation is particularly about special needs, other than maybe needing to be especially clear.

Yeah, I think things are getting kind of mucked up here.  The whole situation is not really specific to SN other than the communication.  Beyond that, this is regular everyday parenting stuff.  

I have to deal with less than stellar behavior from non-SN kids in my neighborhood all the time.  There is one particular child who is a real pain.  I mean she's lovely in many ways but challenging to say the least.  Of course her mother thinks she's perfect, and everyone else is the problem.  Again a lovely woman but a bit out of touch with reality on this issue.  So that means even though I have a three year old with autism to care for, I have to spend a lot of time directly supervising when my typically developing six year old is playing with her.  It's just part of parenting sometimes. Things aren't always fair much less easy.  

Edited by AbbyGrant - 2/13/12 at 6:35am

[momof3tobe]

Thank you all for your advice and for making me aware that I am not coming across the way I would like.  I am going to get that book that one of the other moms suggested- thanks again!

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

Thank you all for your advice and for making me aware that I am not coming across the way I would like.  I am going to get that book that one of the other moms suggested- thanks again!

I think it's great that you are looking into this.  I think that the idea that you want to help shows what a kind and thoughtful person you are.  I think some of the negativity that you are seeing comes from years of feeling judged as a parent and having your child judged when your a parent to a special needs child.  It can be overwhelming and exhausting.  Maybe this mom is just feeling burned out, and your taking part in that village mentality will give her the extra help she needs.   I think you've gotten some great advice. 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

I am sorry this is offending anyone, believe me that wasn't my intention.  I think I used was as precise language as a parent of a non-special needs child could.  Obviously if my child was hitting and teasing and taunting it would be called bullying.

*Disclaimer* I'm putting my hat on as a linguist and a professor, not as the mom of a child with mild special needs.

It's not so much about specific language as it is about evaluative language vs. descriptive language. I think people's hackles were raised because of the evaluative words, not necessarily the request. (OP: even though I'm using examples from your posts, I'm not intending to single you out. You were just a handy set of data. )

Everyone who posts on this board would be well served if posters would focus on describing the problem behaviors that they'd like help with rather than interpreting what those mean. So, in the example above: The description would be: "This child hits, taunts and teases other children." Saying "He bullies other children" is an interpretation. We don't tend to get into trouble when we describe behaviors. We often get into trouble when we interpret or evaluate those behaviors. I think the special needs parents were reacting to the interpretation, which was unintentional.

Another example: "His mother is in total denial"is an interpretation. "His mother doesn't give any suggestions about what we should do" is more descriptive. It's especially effective because than you can follow it up with, "so I was hoping that mothers of children on the autism spectrum might have some suggestions for me when he engages in these behaviors."

It's very hard to think like this, but it will make for much better communication, especially in a written forum, where we have no non-verbal cues to help us know whether you're angry at the mom or puzzled. I miss the old "stickies" that we had where we could post relevant information.

Finally, I think, OP, that you may have some misperceptions about the whole process of getting a special needs child services: You wrote: "I reached out to the guidance counselor at the kids' school because the kids told me he was bullying them at recess and other unstructured times. I told her that I've tried to talk to his mother and she was unwilling to do anything but it is very clear this boy needs help. She said she'd look into it and I found out a couple days later that he was assigned a one on one aide at school so he would be continuously supervised."

I highly doubt that your one phone call got the child the one-on-one aide. Aides are really expensive and schools will go to great lengths to keep from having to use one. What this says to me is that the school also noticed that the child was having trouble functioning in the classroom and school. It was probably a long, drawn out process that required the mom to advocate for an aide.

You don't mention whether a dad is around, but it sounds like there isn't. Imagine this mom as being really really overwhelmed. It's OK for you to step in and be very specific and descriptive with him. "You may not hit people." "You may only use the names of the children when talking to them" because if you say "don't say "poopy head", you'll then have to explain for every other name he comes up with that it's not allowed. Yes, he may have to learn this for each 'bad' name before he can generalize or understand what "calling someone names" means.

I know he's older than the other kids, but socially, he's probably younger. It may help you to see him as a 4-5 year old in terms of social development in terms of your expectations.

[momof3tobe]

You are right- it wasn't one phone call to the guidance counselor that got him a one-on-one aide.  I will tell you the story that started my many many emails, phone calls, and personal visits to the guidance counselor- which I'm sure wasn't the whole reason he got an aide, but I'm hoping it helped. 

A few days after school started, my son, Jack, (who was 6 at the time) came home crying.  He told me that Noah (the boy) was calling him "stupid, dumb, and the stupidest kid he ever met", the whole way home on the school bus.  He said that Noah was sitting three rows in front of him and had turned around and yelled these things at him.  I walked over to Noah's mom's house and explained to her what Jack had told me.  She said, and this is a quote, "Well, I don't get involved in those petty things. At some point you just have to say, boys will be boys."  I saw that there was no point in trying to talk to her and just said ok and left.  I then emailed the guidance counselor and told her what happened and asked if there was anything I and she could do to help my son as this was very upsetting for him.  She said she would do what she could.  A few minutes later, Noah knocked on the door and asked "Can Jack come out and play?"  Jack heard Noah's voice and took off upstairs.  I asked Noah if he was calling Jack names on the bus and he said yes.  I said, "well that hurt Jack's feelings and he does not want to play with you right now."  Noah just stood there looking at me and I didn't want to just shut the door in his face so I said, "ok, Noah, you need to leave now."  And then he walked away.

The second time, the kids were at school in line, waiting to get on the bus at the end of the day, and Noah was standing next to Jack, getting really close to his face, and saying "knock knock.  Who's there? (he answered himself) Jack. Jack who? Stupid Jack! Stupid Jack!"  Jack told him to stop and he wouldn't.  There was no where Jack could go to get away from him because they were in line waiting for the bus.  I told Jack he needed to tell one of the teaching assistants that was there but he told me there wasn't any close enough.  He was also 6 years old and not accustomed to these situations and how to stand up for himself.  So I talked to the guidance counselor again and she said she would make the teaching assistants aware and they would keep an eye on it. Jack still was coming home telling me that Noah kept getting close in his face while they were in line and saying he was stupid and a crybaby so at that point I made an appointment with the guidance counselor and talked to her about the problems that we were having with Noah-at school and in the neighborhood.  She has a lot more experience with these types of situations and I was asking her for advice on what I could do with Jack to help him deal with this.  I told her the conversation that I had with Noah's mom and I told her that it seemed to me that Noah didn't fully realize that his behavior was inappropriate but this is really affecting Jack and he needs some help. She said she would do everything she could to make sure Jack had support at school and wouldn't have to deal with this on his own.  

I could really go on and on but the situations are similar to these.  And this is just stuff that happened at school.  We had a whole other set of problems when the kids were playing in the neighborhood.  I will tell you that one time the kids were playing at the playground in our development and Noah's mom and I were standing nearby chatting.  One of the boys starting walking toward us, and Noah ran up behind him, tackled him and starting hitting and kicking him. Noah's mom just stood there so I started yelling, "Noah, get off of him!"  Noah's mom said, "well, we have to go return your library book so we better go."  And just walked away.  I asked the boys what happened and they told me that Noah took my younger son's toy and wouldn't give it back, so the other boy was on his way over to tell me when Noah tackled him.  I texted his mom and told her and she texted me back and said well, I didn't want to get angry at Noah before I knew what happened.  I thought when is it ever ok to tackle someone from behind, regardless of the situation?  

I don't know, maybe these situations don't have anything to do with his special needs, but the situation where he wanted to play with my son right after he was calling him names and then didn't understand when Jack didn't want to play with him made me wonder.  I do want to help this boy- he doesn't really have friends and of course there's the selfish motive of wanting to help him because it would help my kids, too.  

I have taken the advice I've gotten here to heart and I appreciate it.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

I told Jack he needed to tell one of the teaching assistants that was there but he told me there wasn't any close enough.  He was also 6 years old and not accustomed to these situations and how to stand up for himself. 

While I am not blaming your son in any way, this is an age appropriate skill for him to work on. It's quite common for children just starting elementary school to not know either how to stand up for themselves or when to get an adult involved, but it is absolutely age appropriate to use those situations as teaching moments.

I suggest doing some role playing with your son about what to do if ANY child calls him names, gets in his face, etc. Having him clearly state what he wants/doesn't want will help in many situations.

When my kids were little, we practiced speaking with confidence. First, stand tall, feet a little apart, shoulders back. Second, speak with authority. This is your life, your body, your personal space. There's no reason to yell or be mean, just be very, very clear. "step back, and get out of my face," "keep your tongue in your mouth" etc.  It's amazing how many situations children can diffuse for them self when they are very clear and confident.

Next, teach your son to go to a teacher and relate what happened without whining or tattling  - "Jack is getting in my face. I told him to stop, but he won't"  That's it. Just the facts. Most child both have a hard time starting to relate events to an adult and a hard time knowing when to stop.

In addition to helping with Noah, these skills will help your child with a wide variety of kid situations AND make your child far more difficult prey for a molester.

[SpottedFoxx]

Momof3tobe - Please understand I say this as a pot speaking to the kettle.... park the helicopter Mom.  The other Mom was correct in telling you that she doesn't get involved in petty fights and name calling is something that you should not be involved in.   You missed an opportunity to teach your son a very valuable lesson and rhyme... stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.  He needs to learn to stand up for himself.  At each age a new life skill will be needed and hopefully offered and learned - you took this one away from him.  Don't worry - you can give it back to him by talking to him about how to handle ANY child (special needs or not) who teases him.  You can role play - have him call you the names and you react how you would like him to react.  Ignore him, give him good comebacks, practice getting up and walking away or on the bus, moving his seat (which may get him in trouble for moving but it will get the attention of an adult).   Remember, kids who hate each other today - will be best friends tomorrow.  It's the nature of being a kid. 

Growing up we had a set of parents who'd always get involved in their kids fights.  The father would pull knives on the neighbors and threaten to kill them and the cops would show up and we'd all roll our eyes that he's at it again.  The next day the kids would all be playing together again and the Dad would be cooling his heals in the jail.  One day the mother showed up at our door, pointed her finger in my Mom's face and screamed that my brothers were mean to her kids and we're all a bunch of "no good dirty Jews".  My mom smiled her sweetest smile and said "you are absolutely right, my kids are rotten, if I were you, I'd never let your boys play with my boys again".  With that she shut the door and told my brothers not to play with them any more.   No way in hell was my Mom going to get into a fight with a racist helicopter Mom over boys getting into a scrap.  Those boys grew up in and out of trouble.  The oldest straightened himself out and became a policeman.  The other two... no idea.

[momof3tobe]

I agree I tend to want to solve my kids' problems for them but in this situation help was warented. He was yelling at my son for a whole 25 minute bus ride. The kids were specifically told not to get out of their seats and my son is a rule follower so he was just stuck sitting there and having to take that. When I went to the guidance counselor, my original intent was to ask her what would be the protocol for situations like this? What can I tell my son he should do if this happens again so he has a plan and won't be breaking the bus rules? This is the first year he is riding the bus with older kids so I didn't want to tell him to do something that he shouldn't do. The guidance counselor told me that jack shouldn't have to deal with this himself and said she would help him. 

Whenever I approach the boy's mom, it's always in the spirit of "let's work together to help the kids get along" - not "tell your kid he better be nice to mine!" 

[AbbyGrant]

Originally Posted by momof3tobe 

The guidance counselor told me that jack shouldn't have to deal with this himself and said she would help him. 

While I do think it's helpful for children for to learn some techniques to deal with aggressive or bullying behavior, I absolutely agree that your son should not have to deal with this situation on his own.  I think adults have an obligation to help children with these situations, and I'm glad the people at the school are being responsive.  

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx 

Momof3tobe - Please understand I say this as a pot speaking to the kettle.... park the helicopter Mom.  The other Mom was correct in telling you that she doesn't get involved in petty fights and name calling is something that you should not be involved in.   You missed an opportunity to teach your son a very valuable lesson and rhyme... stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.  He needs to learn to stand up for himself.  At each age a new life skill will be needed and hopefully offered and learned - you took this one away from him.  Don't worry - you can give it back to him by talking to him about how to handle ANY child (special needs or not) who teases him.  You can role play - have him call you the names and you react how you would like him to react.  Ignore him, give him good comebacks, practice getting up and walking away or on the bus, moving his seat (which may get him in trouble for moving but it will get the attention of an adult).   Remember, kids who hate each other today - will be best friends tomorrow.  It's the nature of being a kid. 

No. Particularly to the bolded - just no.  Children need to be protected from bullying - not taught how to handle it.  

Special needs or not, if the child who is doing the tormenting cannot stop, he should be kept away from her son.

I do think kids need to learn how to say no, stick up for themselves, etc…but they need protecting while they learn these skills, and it may take years to acquire the skills.  Quite frankly, if an adult calls me names or is inappropriate with me (rarely happens) I will stand my ground but I will also make sure I do not spend much time around that person.  

Oh and names hurt me far more in my childhood than any stick or stone.   I don't think we should diminish the pain names cause.