Where did the idea come from that little kids are better off NOT at home with their moms? - Page 4

[sosurreal09]

As a SAHM I can say that one morning or afternoon a week would be great if it was free! My DD is 2 and pretty advanced and I think it would help her thrive where we are low income and can't do everything I wish we could. Every Sunday we go to church and she is practically climbing the gate to go play!

She is still BFing and co-sleeping and all of that too...

I don't think she's better off in a full time day care than at home with me though.

[Imakcerka]

Yes there is, and it's up to the parent to decide what is best for their family.  I honestly think it's awesome that it's more and more acceptable.  I had my kids in daycare and the guilt I felt was disgusting.  I felt guilt if I had them in day care while I was at an appointment rather than work.  It felt like everyone around me disapproved of my kids in daycare and of me working.  Once I grew up and realized my approval rating was for shyte anyway I didn't care.  And I finally have a job where I'm seriously at home so much it's ridiculous.  I get to parent almost full time.  I still send the crotchfruit to school.  And when I worked full time and DH stayed home, DD2 still went to Daycare 3 days a week to play with her friends.  I payed for the kid to have a social life. 

 

Originally Posted by AbbyGrant 

  

Yeah, but I do agree that there seems to be an assumption these days that kids even with a SAHP should go to preschool for their own good.  Like it's somehow doing children a disservice by not sending them.  Like somehow modern parents are incapable of possibly raising a child to age 5 without outside assistance.  

 

[Drummer's Wife]

Of course kids don't *need* to go to preschool. They don't need to go to elementary, either.  With four kids and being a SAHM for 10 yrs, I had 2 kids who did preschool and 2 who didn't (though one did pre-k).  

At this point in my life, and I do now work part-time and go to school full-time, I am happiest with my 4 yr old in Montessori 5 days a week.  Even if I wasn't working or in school.  That's what works for my family and my sanity after a decade of parenting 4 kids all two years apart.

Its a good thing I don't give a crap if others judge me, and I certainly don't care what other parents choose to do.  What's best for one kid might not be the same for the next.

 Making a broad generalization that all kids are better off at home is ignorant.

[AbbyGrant]

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

Yes there is, and it's up to the parent to decide what is best for their family.  I honestly think it's awesome that it's more and more acceptable. 

Maybe this just depends on where you live. but it's not just that it's more acceptable some places, it's that it's expected.  So when you don't want to follow that path, you are going against the grain which is a tough place to be.

[sosurreal09]

Originally Posted by AbbyGrant 

Maybe this just depends on where you live. but it's not just that it's more acceptable some places, it's that it's expected.  So when you don't want to follow that path, you are going against the grain which is a tough place to be.

Well yeah I will say I have been ridiculed by some family that DD is not in daycare b/c it's "what's best for her" (as if it's their kid). So there is sort of a general idea that day care is necessary these days.

[Imakcerka]

That's probably true it's not really something I hear much of around here. 

 

Originally Posted by AbbyGrant 

Maybe this just depends on where you live. but it's not just that it's more acceptable some places, it's that it's expected.  So when you don't want to follow that path, you are going against the grain which is a tough place to be.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by littlest birds 

She only referred to moms who expressed blanket judgments that being in group settings was better for all very young children.  The generalization coming from others and how that generalized judgment feels is the only thing she seemed to be bringing up.

I think children can thrive in many different care arrangements.  I have had children in many different care arrangements.  I respect other parents who have different care arrangements for whatever reason they prefer.  BUT I also agree with the OP and see why it would bother her.  It bothers me that others parent according to norms without much question and act like "of course" it's the best.  I don't assume I know what's best for others' children, and I hate it when people give off the impression that whatever they do is best for all children.  All of us here could probably, hopefully agree about that. 

YES! There is no ONE right way, and each of us knows our own family the best. Most parents are trying to make the right choices for their kids... it's sad that there are parents out there who aren't, but they're a tiny, tiny minority.

I don't like the implication that my children were somehow disadvantaged because they stayed home with stupid, uneducated me. I got this attitude even though my kids actually attended a play-based parent participation preschool a few days a week. Some family members had their kid in montessori, and they liked to ask how DS/DD were doing with their math or reading... the answer was that they weren't learning that stuff! No matter what we do, someone will find fault with it.

I believe the most important things kids learn at preschool is to share and take turns... it can be hard to give them that experience outside of preschool because fewer moms stay home than in the past, and there just aren't other kids around the neighbourhood to practice those skills with! That isn't about how good or bad the mom is, it's just the way things are now. 

[meloraspalm]

I understand where you are coming from, as i to live in the UK. There is a massive drive here to make both parents work full time. I could rant about this for hours, it's disgusting and comes down to capitalism. I too am a SAHM trying to resist the madness of 'your child would be better off with out you; you can be replaced by a DS and television and real 'care' professionals can raise them whilst you work to provide these things for them'. Madness.

[GoBecGo]

Oh OP, i hope you still come here! LOL.

I'm in the UK, and i'm a SAHM mostly (i do work very very occasionally) and i didn't use nursery for my eldest and probably won't for my youngest.

I made the choice NOT to work (and lived on benefits) in order to be at home with her when i was a single parent (XP was also unemployed so it was hard yards for a few years, financially), because i believe for my family that was the best idea.  I didn't send her to nursery  because when she was 3 i felt she was far to young to be away from me (every kid is different, but that was my feeling).  She also had some sensory integration problems especially with other children's screaming - i did NOT think nursery was a good bet for her because of that!  We moved house 3 times the year between her being 2.5 and 3.5 and i wasn't going to move her around into different nurseries (i went to 5 different schools and vowed not to put mine through it if at all possible).  By the time she was 4 her issues with noises were waning BUT a tiral dance class revealed she was still unhappy to be without me even for a short time, and her little sister arrived right before she would have started and it would have been a very prompt "here's a new baby, out you go now!" for her, which knowing her personality i knew would be a very bad idea too.

We went to groups, parks, museums, hung out at the library, saw friends, worked our way through the toddler and preschooler busy-books...i liked it.  It was full on but it was fun.  Because i'm in a blended family i do have XP helping out and at least 24 hours a week when she is with him and not me - that was key for de-stressing and getting some me-time (right up until DD2 arrived, lol).  I sympathise with the lack of patience one mama described which made SAHMing hard - i suffer too, my patience is WAY WAY better after nearly-6 years, but i still have a bunch of room for improvement!

I do think for some kids and families nursery probably has enormous benefits, but i didn't feel it would for my kid or my family.  I too have been treated like a subversive maniac for not putting her in nursery (one guy told OH she would NEVER NEVER learn to read because she'd not begun her education at 6 months, when both of HIS kids did!  OH was like "oh, well, she can already read" for which there was no response).  A HV came when she was nearly 3, expressed shock that i'd not signed her up for nursery education anywhere and said "she will definitely suffer educationally if you don't do it" while DD was stood behind her with a number chart the HV had *just* given her saying out loud "63-64-65-66".  I was thinking, lady, are you for real!?  All the mums in the school playground are shocked too, and there is this sort of inference that not going to nursery meant i kept her in a fish tank for 5 years and she never went anywhere, did anything or met anyone because she wasn't at nursery!

DD1 began school in August last year.  Aside from a few social problems with one individual (who three other kids, all nursery educated, also have trouble with) she has positively thrived.  She was fine being without me right from day 1 (something which many nursery-educated kids were not fine with - not proof of anything of course except that nursery will not necessarily pre-empt and prevent potential school-related separation issues), she was educationally at or ahead of where her nursery-schooled peers (she was the ONLY non-nursery educated child in the year) were and has excelled educationally, she has tons of friends and enjoys herself.  I have no regrets about the choices i made for her.  I'll assess DD2 as i go, but all things being equal unless i see a positive reason for it i will probably keep her home with me until school too.

I really think in the UK the push towards nursery education has been primarily about the economy, the government wants EVERYONE in work because otherwise they'd have to do something about the fact that the average wage can no longer support a family as it used to.  I too hear the remarks about how "children NEED to be with their peers!" all the time.  Why?  Because in evolutionary terms humans typically have nonuplets so our poor modern singletons are missing out on not having 8 more same-age peers to hang out with?  No.  Kids need contact with other PEOPLE, of all ages.  So long as your kid gets contact with other people, preferably loving people who are interested in them and kind to them, they will do great.  How you choose (or become or provide) those influences is up to you.

[onyxravnos]

I absolutely agree with you.  Now there are some totally legit reasons (work, single mom, disability maybe? poor home life and so on) but for a stay at home mom? Okay I understand the need to have a break sometimes but sending a kid to preschool... not really the best way to go about it IMO. kindy was created to prep kids for 1st grade. then preschool was created to prep kids for kindy? what kind of sense does that make? If someone needs a break it would be cheaper to hire a babysitter once in a while then to send a small child into 'school world' for hours a week. 

Kids learn best at home. 

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by onyxravnos 

I absolutely agree with you.  Now there are some totally legit reasons (work, single mom, disability maybe? poor home life and so on) but for a stay at home mom? Okay I understand the need to have a break sometimes but sending a kid to preschool... not really the best way to go about it IMO. kindy was created to prep kids for 1st grade. then preschool was created to prep kids for kindy? what kind of sense does that make? If someone needs a break it would be cheaper to hire a babysitter once in a while then to send a small child into 'school world' for hours a week. 

Kids learn best at home. 

Just responding to this post and not the general issues of the thread.  I'm a WOHM but I count among my very best friends SAHMs.  I admire them, think they are the most awesome, and love them dearly.  The above post really bothers me in a lot respects because I know the SAHMs in my circle and I know that preschool has helped them in a myriad of ways.  So I should I tell my next door neighbor (a Catholic who sends her DCs to Catholic preschool) that she is doing something substandard?  Not.  She is doing what works for her and her family.  You want to criticize me for being a WOM, just go ahead, I'll stand up for myself.  Don't go dissing my SAHM friends, though, and their very individual decisions. 

[OkiMom]

Wouldn't the world be better if we could all get along and realize we are ALL doing the BEST we can for OUR family? No 2 families are alike,.I plan on homeschooling but I was very close to sending my 4 and 2 year old to preschool last year. I was along with a infant, 2 year old and 4 year old with my husband deployed. So basically a single mom with a wedding band. Only thing I didn't do was bring in a pay check. NO ONE was willing to help me, not my inlaws who lived down the street, not anyone from church.. no one. I was totally alone. You know how hard it is to be on 24 hours a day 7 days a week for almost 9 months straight? I still don't know HOW I did it without totally losing my mind, Am I a "bad" parent for considering to send my young "babies" to school for a couple mornings a week? No. I was someone who needed a break. Just like my neighbor who sends her only daughter (3 yo) to preschool 3 mornings a week, she needs a break. Its not that they can't raise or teach their children, its that they are human and we all need breaks once in a while..

I think people need to find some compassion and love for the people around them.

[AbbyGrant]

I think meloraspalm's and especially GoBecGo's posts shed a lot of light on the situation the OP is in.  It could be sort of an interesting conversation if it was discussed with that context in mind. 

[mambera]

I just want to say I think it is a bit of a misconception that all parents who feel preschool is good for their children are pushing 'early education.'  I feel preschool is good for my child because it is interesting and entertaining for her to be with a group of children than it would be for her to be home with me all day (I WOH anyway, but even if I did SAH I woul  to send her to a group setting assuming it were financially feasible).

I don't personally feel my  2y/o 'needs' to learn reading or arithmetic yet (although she is picking up both quite well, mostly from being read to and 'taught' stuff by DH), but I do really feel that she needs to learn how to interact with other children in a group setting. 

If you want to play the 'natural' or 'evolutionarily appropriate' or 'traditional-cultures' or whatever card, then in most of these settings it has been the norm for children to be exposed on a daily basis to a community of people who are not their parents. 

Now it's true that preschool doesn't equal 'the village,' but I think it does a better job than being home alone with mom all day.

[DoubleDouble]

Yeah, "traditional" wouldn't be a mom at home with her kid all day, playing and interacting. Mom would have to work in the fields and harvest crops, cut firewood, bring water from the faraway well, cook the food. Kids were watched by older kids, most of the time, or a group of kids was watched by an adult. It was a mixed-age (and often mixed-families) daycare anyways.

[AbbyGrant]

      Quote:

Originally Posted by mambera 

If you want to play the 'natural' or 'evolutionarily appropriate' or 'traditional-cultures' or whatever card, then in most of these settings it has been the norm for children to be exposed on a daily basis to a community of people who are not their parents. 

Now it's true that preschool doesn't equal 'the village,' but I think it does a better job than being home alone with mom all day.

I don't know any SAHPs that regularly just stay home alone all day with their kids. I certainly don't. My daughter got plenty of exposure to a community of people who were not her parents before going to preschool. We went out into the world. We met with friends and neighbors. I didn't need a substitute for a "village" or community although some might which is fine too.  

I sent my daughter to preschool because she was interested in starting school. An added benefit was it allowed me to have some regular one on one time with my son. There were other benefits for us as well like she got to do some messy crafts I never would have thought of or even wanted to do, it was easier running errands with one kid, we met some nice people, and we both got used to the routine of school before starting K, but it wasn't necessary for exposure to other people or at all for that matter. It was fun and convenient though. 

edited to clarify 

Edited by AbbyGrant - 3/11/12 at 4:42pm

[erinsmom1996]

I think it is a pretty big generalization to say that parents who send their kids to head start are lazy. A lot of parents do this so their children can socialize and get some educational experiences that will help them when they start school. That does not mean they don't love their children or want them home with them.

[PoetryLover]

I think the original poster didn't mean offense, although she chose the wrong words, like lazy. I could see myself sending my son to preschool a couple days a week in a couple years. I'm not lazy. But I think she's talking about a culture in a different country where the norm is to send one's child to preschool. In her culture, staying home with one's children is not the norm and she's feeling the pressure to do something that she isn't interested in doing and possibly feeling alone in that decision or lifestyle. I can relate to feeling alone in my child rearing decisions.Also, she was looking for support and not criticism.

Original Poster: I offer . I'm sorry you've not gotten the support you sought here.

[*MamaJen*]

Oh lord. I am so over the mommy wars. The vast majority of parents love their children and try to make the choices that work best for their particular family situation. The end. Can't we just leave it at that?

[treegardner]

Just wanted to add that I can kind of see where the OP is coming from. I live in an area where most everybody sends their kids to preschool around 2, some start at 18 months, but by 2 or 3 pretty much everyone's child is in preschool. I take DS to the park, library, places you'd expect to see toddler and preschool age children, but I rarely see children over the age of 2 or 3 during traditional school hours. At 3.5, my son is almost always the oldest child in our library's story time.