Furious at DD, not sure what to do

[newmamalizzy]

I am so angry at my daughter over her new sleep issues, and I have no idea how to handle it.  I feel like I'm being forced to let her CIO, which is totally not what I ever wanted to do, especially after all the time I've spent slowly and gently working through her constant sleep problems. 

DD is 22 months old and has always been a poor sleeper.  She'll still wake anywhere from 3 - 5 times per night (in times when she's generally healthy, not teething, etc.).  I always go to her (she sleeps on a mattress right next to mine, so I'm right there at night), I generally stroke her back and lie next to her until she goes back to sleep.  I wish she'd start sleeping longer stretches, but I'm generally happy to help her back to sleep when she wakes up. 

In the past week, DD has started having full blown tantrums multiple times a night.  She starts by waking up as usual, I go in to her and do my normal thing, but she'll suddenly latch onto some particular thing that she wants me to do and throw a fit over it.  Like, she'll want me to stroke her in a particular way that I can't necessarily figure out.  Or she'll want me to pick her up so she can reach around the back of my neck and clutch at my hair in a way I can't stand.  Or she'll want me to cover her glowworm with her blanket, but then I don't do it right.  Ultimately, no matter what I do, it devolves into a tantrum with her screaming "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" just like she does when her dad goes in to soothe her at night.  I've tried continuing to stroke her head/pat her back intermittently, trying gentle, soothing talk, tried saying nothing but just lying next to her, tried telling her I'm going to sleep and turning my head, tried letting her hold my hand...She just wants me to pick her up and snuggle her.  But when I do that, she freaks out about trying to grab my hair in a certain way, or kicks at me, or wants to touch my face and stick her fingers in my ears, and she doesn't go back to sleep.  So...I CAN'T solve the problem by picking her up.  Then she's having a tantrum over me not picking her up, and I'd usually pick her up to soothe her when she's having a big tantrum, but I feel like I can't, because that's what started the whole darned thing in the first place.  So she screams and screams with me 6 inches away.  Last night this happened 3 times, then started again at 4:30 a.m. and she never went back to sleep.  I have no idea what to do.  She's crying it out and I'm RIGHT THERE.  I feel like she's being willful and defiant and I'm soooo resentful of the constant screaming, of her putting me in a position when I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

Sigh.  Do I stick to my guns and continue to be there for her while she screams?  I don't know if I can stay calm enough to do that for her.  Do I let her come in my bed, grasp at my hair, kick at me, etc., so I can't sleep and  she drives me nuts?  Seems like the wrong way to teach her boundaries that I feel like I need.  I'm tired.  I'm just so tired of this, and I feel like I must have done everything wrong all along.  I need help.

[Mom31]

No you do not let her hurt you. I would let her know once she calms down you will do what she is asking and help her get back to sleep. I remember a time where my dd "woke up" in fits- but not really truly awake... it would be awful.

I personally think it is ok to not put yourself in harms way and let her lay  there and work it out while you are there calmly and gently letting her know her behaviour is not working at getting what she wants. You can't teach her that throwing a tantrum will get her what she wants.

[cristeen]

It's not CIO if you're right there with her.

My DS went through a phase similar to that, and that's all it was.  A phase.  A few months later he's now only waking once at night anymore, needs a little bit of assurance and he's right back to sleep. 

All you can do is let her know you're there for her, and do your best to protect yourself.  If that means you're at arm's length so you can stroke her back but she can't touch you, then that's what it means.  Keep reminding her that mama is there for her, but that it's time to sleep.  Don't give into her tantrums, and don't put yourself in a position you know is just going to make you mad.  For me that eventually means turning around and letting him fuss/do whatever while I'm physically present but not paying any attention.  Eventually it got boring when I wouldn't pay attention to it. 

HTH

[newmamalizzy]

Thanks for these responses.  I know, in theory, that it's not CIO if I'm right there, but it makes me feel so awful just the same.  I think that's why it makes me so mad at her - she's doing something that's causing me a hugely painful inner conflict.  I definitely don't want her to learn that tantrum behavior gets her what she wants.  She doesn't have tantrums like this during the day, but I know exactly what I would do if it were a daytime tantrum over, like, not getting the right cup.  When it's all tied in with her sleep, though, it just makes me feel confused.  And tired.  And grouchy.  I'm glad to know others have been through something similar and that it does eventually pass :)  Steeling myself for another night...

[LynnS6]

OK, if you're not doing it for her, maybe it's time for Dad to step in for a week or so to see if he can help. If nothing else, you sound like you need a break.

Unfortunately, the mind of a 22 month old is pretty much a mystery, even to them. It sounds to me like she's waking up, doesn't feel right, but can't articulate what WOULD feel right. Not surprising given her age, but very frustrating for all involved.

How conscious is she? Could this be night terrors?

The only other thing I can think of is to perhaps have her ears checked in case she's got  subtle ear infection.

[Erin77]

I think that connections and sensations are still so new for a child of her age, it's normal that not even SHE knows what she wants. My 17 month old throws fits for no reason that he or I can figure out during the day... these just seem especially bad to you because they're at night, when you're tired and not 100% and you used to be able to soothe her and now you can't. It's not your fault or hers. If she needs to sort it out by herself with you there, just give her the space to do it and try not to feel bad about yourself. You are not withholding help- no one on earth could help her right then! She just needs to grow into herself.

[Baby_Cakes]

What if you took her out of the room?  Sat with her with lights on for a few minutes?

I'm thinking she needs some kind of hard "reset" when she wakes up.

Agreed that this is a phase and shall pass.  But in the meantime, hugs b/c this sounds really hard! 

[newmamalizzy]

Sorry for not responding sooner to all of your helpful responses.  The hard night-wakings have continued, although we're doing better at avoiding outright tantrums.  It seems that something's bothering her (physically) - but I can't figure out what, and she can't describe it for me.  This all started the week after she had a dreadful cold, and it seems like it could still be something trickling down from that.  I suspect post-nasal drip, as she wakes up audibly swallowing over and over again, and starts to cough while she's crying.  But she also jams her hands in her mouth as though it hurts, so teething is a possibility, too.  She's never had an ear infection, but it would get worse over time if left untreated...right?

Oh, and Erin77 - You totally nailed it, and it was good to hear.