3y/o DAYCARE POTTY PROBLEMS :/

[LynLyn]

I hope this is the age group for this. I'd been a SAHM and potty trained my son during that time but now work full time (I have to unfortunately). My son was day and night potty trained at 26 months. He's had some accidents here and there since of course but few and far between. He's been in full-time daycare (full class of 3 year olds at fairly big facility) since late Sept and had very few problems until this past month. It began with not making it to the bathroom quick enough and tinkling in his undies a bit as he tried to pull them down. Now it's become full on pants wetting BUT ONLY at daycare.

They have a 2 hr bathroom schedule and check off whether they went number 1 or 2 but who knows just how in depth this process is when you're not around to see it. They have told me that even between bathroom time he goes in on his own to use the bathroom. They have said that sometimes when asking him to go he will say he already did (when he hasn't) or that he doesn't need to go. Most accidents occur when he is moved to another classroom with another teacher towards the end of the day and I imagine they either don't have a schedule for bathroom breaks or take his word for it when he says he doesn't need to go.

Despite telling them that at home I insist he goes when I ask and make sure that he does, always have him immediately go after any activity like going outside and certainly the minute he wakes up at night or from naps, look for warning signs that he needs to go and send him into the bathroom, etc. he is still having multiple accidents per week at daycare. Some soaking his clothes completely along with his shoes and some just making a wet spot in his undies. He just turned 3 in Dec and isn't really old enough to articulate why this is happening which makes matters more difficult. One day he may say he forgot while another he may just say that he peed his pants "just cuz". I'm not happy with any of the answers he's able to give but that's what I have to work with.

It seems that different teachers are in and out so often to work around lunch breaks and schedule changes that I can never get the story straight. By the time I get there just before they close nearly everyone has already gone home. My next step is to have them write DETAILED notes about EXACTLY what happened but quite frankly it seems that sometimes they are so caught up keeping track of 10-15 other kids that they didn't see it happen.

It's hard to decipline him at home for things that happen at daycare. I think it's a combo of him not listening to them like he does to me, being a bit lazy about going, and them not having enough attention on the matter. I tell him in the morning what I expect of him while I'm at work and let him know that if he does not do that he will either have time out at home or have a toy taken away. I've taken toys and told him that if he doesn't have accidents the following day he can have it back. This seemed to work at first but eventually it didn't and I extended the time to one week of no accidents as of tonight after a day of 2 accidents at daycare. I have a feeling this won't be effective. 

My daughter never went to daycare and any regressions she had were quickly resolved. What to do???

[pianojazzgirl]

I don't think you have a lot of control over this mama.  My feeling is that when he's at daycare you just have to trust this issue to the daycare workers.  It sounds like you've been pretty clear about how you handle things at home, and I think that's about as much as you can do.  I'm running on the assumption that these are experienced daycare workers.  They've BTDT with little boys having accidents.  It's really really common and normal.  At home I'd continue doing what you do (schedule bathroom breaks, make sure he goes right after waking, etc), but I'd just leave what happens at school at school.  The daycare workers also prefer to not deal with extra pee pee clean-up.  I'm sure they will figure out the best way (within the framework of dealing with a whole class of kids) of keeping him dry.

I also would not punish for accidents (time outs, taking away toys).  That just does not seem like a good idea to me.  I don't like the idea of adding such a negative element to toileting.  I don't think having the "consequence" so far removed from when the accident happened even makes sense for such a little kid.  I also believe in letting school "discipline" problems be dealt with at school (unless v. serious).  And I don't even know if this is a "discipline" problem per se.

And I don't think it's realistic to expect detailed notes over every little wetting accident.  I just can't imagine how the daycare providers could take that time and still monitor all the (other) kids effectively.

[LynLyn]

Thank you for your reply. It wasn't something that I ever had a punishment for before. As he was dry for several months without ANY accidents and has been in undies for a year it now comes across as a punishable issue to me since it has been happening with such frequency. Punishing after daycare accidents is something I hadn't really executed in any serious way until yesterday. To be honest I was pretty fed up. I know it's just my poor handling but after a long week of a physically demanding job and long days it's hard to show up to what I wish was a happy greeting to hear that he has not been listening and went through 2 pairs of spare clothes so far removed from being potty trained. 

This comes down to my overall dislike for daycare in general. There was a period of time when I thought it was good for him. He does learn in a group environment and socializes which is important. I never wanted either of my kids in daycare so when things like this happen repeatedly it makes me feel like daycare is setting him back. I start thinking, "If he were home with me this wouldn't happen".

It seemed to get worse when his main teacher was fired. They had a bond and she knew how to deal with his occasional laziness about getting to the bathroom. I think he had one ot two minor accident while she was there. A month ago a new teacher came on. I also noticed that his secondary teacher in his classroom (a younger girl) is going through something at work or in her personal life that has changed her attitude. She isn't short with the kids but she's clearly unhappy at work and a bit checked out fairly often. Since the new teacher has been there he has had at least 10 accidents and half of those have been complete soaking of his clothes. But again, many of these accidents are after she has left for the day. It's puzzling. 

Sigh.

[pbjmama]

I would take it to the daycare and see how they are going resolve the issue. It isn't okay with you because you know he can do it and although you are not sure of the whole story it sounds like their issues are what has led to this regression. You are their customer. If it means taking extra time for your kid by taking him to the bathroom every 30 mins then that is what they do. Sometimes certain children require more attention than others. You could also set up an incentive for him to stay dry. Like a chart with stickers or something? Maybe a small toy or treat at the end of the week if he gets 4/5 days dry. You know what will work for your kid with incentives.

In all this, keep in mind that your child lost a main caregiver that he was very connected with. If you work full time that means he was probably spending 40 hours a week with this person. That is a big deal and the teacher/school probably didn't discuss it with him. He could be having some big feelings about that.

I know how frustrating potty issues can be! I hope you find something that works soon.