Weird newbie questions...

[Rainey Daye]

Okay, so adoption has just now come on the table as a serious option for both me and DH. We had a rocky time of trying for bio kids. After a very easy first pregnancy I ended up having to transport from a home birth to the hospital where I ended up with pitocin and an epidural....but baby turned out fine. I then ended up back in the hospital with an eclamptic seizure the next week. Fast forward a year and a half and I had three miscarriages in ten months time...a chemical pregnancy, an unexplained loss, and a blighted ovum. Then last week I ended up in the ER...hemorrhaging from complications from the last miscarriage and ending up with an emergency D&C. 

Needless to say, DH is terrified of us trying again for a bio kid anytime in the near future!!  

Adoption was always something I'd thought of since my days of working with orphans and abandoned babies in Romania but it wasn't something that was really on my DH's radar...till now. We are looking into adopting either internationally from a Spanish or Romanian speaking country (as I am multi-lingual) or into fostering to adopt.

I have a couple questions now and will probably think of many more as time goes by!!

First, do foster care programs/adoption agencies discriminate against someone with say a nose piercing or dreads? I don't currently have either, but was planning on getting both this year...but I will hold off if that will negatively affect us getting placements.

Also, we don't have our son vaccinated at all and we didn't do anything more with our cat past the ones necessary to adopt her...and I've heard that they will ask about both kid and pet vaccinations.

We also plan to move into an RV in the future to travel the US...and eventually we plan on international travel/living...would we have to hold off on that till all adoptions were finalized?

We currently live (the three of us, our cat, and a fish) in a nice 3 bed/2 bath three year old house in a small neighborhood of a smallish town near a big city, know a lot of our neighbors, are plugged into a cool, non-judgemental missional community type church, and have a reasonable amount of debt (mortgage, one smallish student loan, and a decent chunk of medical debt...but that's it). We own one vehicle outright and lease the other. DH has worked for the same company for 5 1/2 years (since just before we married) and I've been a SAHM since our son was born 2 1/2 years ago...and was a nanny before that. Though I am the one with the college degree DH is tech skilled and can earn more than I could easily. So we have a good, stable, typical life...would we be locked into that till adoption(s) were finalized at least?

[pumpkingirl71]

I would say that yes, you have to maintain the "typical" life until after you finalize

I adopted with a nose ring.  My husband isn't "normal" looking.  It was totally fine. 

There are ways around vaccinations for children, but I doubt you will get around it for the cat.  We adopted from foster care and the social worker just wanted to see proof my bio son was up to date for having regular well child care.

Welcome and good luck!

[marsupial-mom]

"we plan on international travel/living...would we have to hold off on that till all adoptions were finalized?"

Yes, this is likely. We were able to do some traveling doing our time as foster parents but honestly it was a pain to get permission.

[jes h]

What a trial you have been through! Our own son was a 'miracle' baby that was never supposed to happen after 5+ years of minor medical interventions that never worked.  Glad you are OK.

Our experience with the homestudy for foster care was great.  There were lots of very personal questions, but nothing that suggested the social worker cared about the various 'alternative' lifestyle choices we've made.  We are progressive-y Christians and often feel out of sorts in Christian circles as well as progressive circles (a little jealous of your church...), so we weren't sure what to expect.  All the questions really were just aimed at making sure we were stable, caring adults who were capable of caring for a child;  the social worker didn't blink once at either our own intense ministry activities or our GLTB family members/friends.  (Or at our dog, who could be a therapy dog except that she is super protective of the kids and barks like mad if someone is at the door.)

Our friends have adopted their son and fostered a bunch of others and they don't look AT ALL like run of the mill parents.  They play in a band together, and at one point he was into the emo-guy-in-black-with-eyeliner look.  She is a DCFS social worker herself...

Social worker didn't ask anything about our own son except to confirm that he was going to be able to handle having kids in and out with foster care, and to confirm that we were going to take measures to reasonably protect him from emotional strain, or questions to determine what we were like as parents.  Nothing on vaccines or medical history.

We had to document that we had enough income to support our family without the foster care stipend, which are just barely  able to do (my husband is a teacher and I am at home).  So I would stick with a stable set-up till you adopt.

We absolutely had to have the dog and cat vaccinated - nothing around that.

Good Luck!

[sesa70]

I have done both domestic adoption and foster care, and I will agree with the previous posters that there will be no way around the pet vaccinations, especially the mandatory rabies. Our workers in both programs requested proof of vaccinations for our pets on a yearly basis.

They did also request our childrens medical history, including vaccinations, but I know others have said this was not the case for them.

[heatherdeg]

We were foster parents and adopted a child that was a ward of the state (but was placed with us with a goal of adoption--not "reunification with adoption as a backup").  They've always checked medical/vax records although I have a bio that's med exempt (documented).

Whether or not they care about dreads or nose rings is likely going to depend on the worker you get.  It really shouldn't matter and I don't think it will, but I think with the wrong worker would see that and look harder/nit-pick a bit more.

As for the RV/travel, yeah--that's likely going to have to wait.  They need to supervise the placement with periodic checkins--some unannounced.  Usually, until you finalize, you can try to get permission to take a child over state lines, but how cooperative they are about it is another story--and that really depends on the case.  We've had foster children whose goal is RU and usually the bioparent has to grant permission.  We've only once had the state override the parent.  But the state doesn't love doing it anyway--partially because foster kids are covered by Medicaid, which is a state program.  So if the child is hurt and needs emergency medical assistance the state gets stuck footing the full bill.  I've gotten permission to take our fosters to Staten Island, NY for Thanksgiving when we lived in NJ only because where we were going was less than 15 minutes to a NJ hospital.  We had a TX court grant a visit of one of their wards to our home in NJ and they were willing to deal with the potential problems but that was a case of our former foster daughter and at the time, it looked like the court would be sending her to us for adoption because her then-foster parents didn't want to adopt and her birthmom was so NOT getting it together (that visit showed the fosters how attached they were and she is now with them :)  ).

So travel can be tough.

[jes h]

Travel is an interesting example of how it all depends on where you are and your worker. 

With the two boys placed with us, we had already planned a camping trip out of state and our social worker just printed up a generic letter stating that we were their legal guardians and had permission to travel out of state.  It was good for the year, and the way she presented it was that any time we were headed out of state we just needed to give her advanced notice.  We have also taken teen foster kids out of state with our youth ministry; in that case not only did we have permission, but the state paid for their camp (not the foster parents).

In our PRIDE classes, a social worker mentioned a foster family who had prepared to take their kids to Italy.  It fell through for other reasons, but the state was OK with it.

It amazes me to see the difference between different agencies as I troll through this forum!

[heatherdeg]

Originally Posted by jes h 

Travel is an interesting example of how it all depends on where you are and your worker. 

With the two boys placed with us, we had already planned a camping trip out of state and our social worker just printed up a generic letter stating that we were their legal guardians and had permission to travel out of state.  It was good for the year, and the way she presented it was that any time we were headed out of state we just needed to give her advanced notice.  We have also taken teen foster kids out of state with our youth ministry; in that case not only did we have permission, but the state paid for their camp (not the foster parents).

In our PRIDE classes, a social worker mentioned a foster family who had prepared to take their kids to Italy.  It fell through for other reasons, but the state was OK with it.

It amazes me to see the difference between different agencies as I troll through this forum!

Maybe part of the difference is budget.  I know that Nevada was also the first on board (a few years ago) to investigate foster children being medicated by auditing their Medicaid claims.  That was long before it hit the media.

[christophersmom]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom 

"we plan on international travel/living...would we have to hold off on that till all adoptions were finalized?"

Yes, this is likely. We were able to do some traveling doing our time as foster parents but honestly it was a pain to get permission.

We have traveled a lot with our kids when they were/are in foster care but could not do international travel as there is an issue getting passports. We were able to sneak in one international trip after DD1 finalized and before DD2 came home but likely won't be able to do another for a while still as DD2's adoption is a ways off.

[Rainey Daye]

Are there any good books y'all recommend for us to read as we start out on this road to adoption? I am asking some online friends of mine for loaners, but I'm looking into my two library systems, Half Price Books, Paperbackswap, and Amazon as well and would love recommendations.

 Oh, also good blog and website recommendations as well!!

[Mom31]

I would read adoptee blogs, adoptive mom blogs and birth mom blogs. I write a blog

Never Said Goodbye

It is from an adult adoptee view.... it is sometimes hard to read but many adoptive parents read it.

From an adoptee pov there is a book called 20 things I wish my adoptive parents knew is a good one- also read the Primal Wound- for me it is spot on- for some it is not.

there are many books by Betty Jean Lifton that are good and written for adoptees.

I will try to link some blogs I like from all across the board.

http://rebecca-hawkes.blogspot.com/

This is a great blog by an adoptee who is also an adoptive mom in an open adoption that I follow. I think she does it great!

[marsupial-mom]

This book offers a good overview and it's easy to read and share with friends and family, but it is seriously lacking when it comes to details about specific types of adoptions. I do recommend it though: http://www.inonadoption.com/

Also the list of resources at the book's website is great: http://www.inonadoption.com/home/additional-resources

[WifeMomChiro]

You've already got a lot of good advice.

I will add that our adoption agency made us get a doctor's letter stating that he was aware of our decision to not vaccinate and supported us in our right to choose that.  Luckily, I have a good relationship with a medical doctor, and he wrote it for me.