I am really starting to worry about my 11.5 year old daughter. She has always been a little immature, but I chalked it up to being a younger sibling... until the last year or two. She clearly has developed learned helplessness somehow (not at our house at least, but clearly *someone's* been teaching her to think she shouldn't have to do anything for herself), and has had a horrible attitude and sense of entitlement lately.
I would like to know if there's some kind of "developmental milestones" type list for 11 year olds/ 5th graders out there, because I feel like I may not have a good gauge on what a kid her age should be able to do. I know she's definitely behind compared to her 14 year old sister at her age and both my partner and I at her age, but I don't know if we were highly advanced or if she's just immature. At her age, my partner and I had both had our first kisses, would ride our bikes a mile or two away from our houses, and had jobs like mowing the lawn or babysitting. She maintains she can't drain water from a 1 quart stock pot or get herself down a bowl from the cabinet with a stepstool that makes her only an inch shorter than her sister who has no problem doing these things. She rarely sleeps in her own bed, she ends up in bed with her sister most nights (who is about to be in high school and really doesn't need little sister in her bed at night) and refuses to even start in her own bed when sister isn't home, just comes into our room and sets up her sleeping bag without even trying even though we've been telling her "next time you start in your own bed" for the last year. Which brings us to (dah dah dah) the wall eyed fit she throws when we try to make her sleep in her own bed, the indignant attitude about anything we expect her to do (like helping out with the dishes or switching out laundry, it's just sooooo unfair and she shouldn't have to do it). She literally yelled at me yesterday that she would not clean the mud she got all over the backseat of the car because there was a Vitamin water bottle in the backseat that she didn't put there and she won't take any responsibility for anything she does if someone else is guilty of the same thing, according to her. She won't hang her backpack up where it goes if someone else left their shoes by the door, etc. I have no idea where she got this spoiled attitude from. She has always been a negative child, but it's getting out of hand.
I like to think we are very fair and don't expect her to even do things an 11 year old should, honestly our expectations would be acceptable for an 8 or 9 year old even, yet she takes it as some kind of personal affront. She tries to argue with us every day about how she thinks it's so unfair that we make her carry a dummy cell phone around for 6 months until she can get a real one, without losing it or breaking it, because her sister didn't have to. We explained that she is not her sister, her sister was way more mature, complained less, helped out more, and NEVER ONCE left something at school like she does on a weekly basis. She has lost at least $200 in clothing at school and is confused why she can't have a phone, gee I wonder. She doesn't understand that a phone or TV is a privilege, and she will literally bawl if she doesn't get what she wants. She acts like a 6 year old. She also talks like a 6 year old. She doesn't care enough to remember precise words for anything that isn't something she feels strongly about. Example: samosas, we eat them all the time, she's been eating them her whole life, she likes them okay but they aren't her favorite, STILL doesn't remember what they're called, she just says "sama mumble mumble" instead. This game is getting real old real fast. It's like idiocracy over here. I have threatened to take away screens entirely if she doesn't try to use precise words and do what we ask her to do without complaining (she even gets allowance for the chores she does, so she has incentive not to complain), but it still isn't helping.