Announcing to friends struggling with infertility? « Back to Group Discussions

[Angelorum]

I have a dear friend who has been trying to conceive for almost 2 1/2 years now.  We were together all the time during my first pregnancy, and she even came to my birth to take pictures and help out.  I really didn't want to get pregnant before she did, it's just not fair .  Especially because I wasn't even really trying.  I don't see her that often anymore, since she's moved a little farther away, but I don't want her to just find out through facebook.  How do I tell her?

[1babysmom]

This is just my opinion based on my experiences (we didn't TTC that long, but it was 1.5 years for both of my girls, and of course we've had 6 miscarriages as well)...it may be completely different for others! 

It is REALLY hard for me to hear from some of my friends/family when they get pregnant...especially the ones who have it so easy (pregnant quickly, and without much worry because they've never miscarried- which I am grateful for, because I hate seeing others go through it, but there is an understanding which unfortunately only comes through the experience).  I try SOOOO hard to be happy for them, but there's still a lot of hurt out of envy...which is TOTALLY selfish, I readily admit, because it is SOOOO not all about me, and I know I have it easy compared to some women out there.  But it's still hard to hear, because I desperately want to be like them. 

That said, when they share their pregnancies with me AND acknowledge my situation as well (which again, sounds really horribly selfish when I put that into words, but just trying to be honest here!), it makes it so much easier for me to take.  I guess the reason is because I have a friend (more than just her, but I'll use her as an example) who, for example, will just tell me she's expecting again, and talk to me about her pregnancy, and after she has her babies, will talk to me about how quickly she wants to get pregnant again (because she probably will), etc.  I think the reason that's so hard for me is because one of the hardest things (IMO) about not getting pregnant easily and especially not STAYING pregnant is that people take for granted what they have.  And so I guess I find it easier to hear news when I know they are acknowledging that others don't have it as easy, and that it's NOT all guaranteed, ya know?

Not sure if that makes sense, and I probably just made myself look like a terrible person!  But you can believe that it's something I struggle with as I try to let go of the bitter envy that has grown in me over all these years of losing babies.

[springmum]

I am both sides of the situation. It took us 2 years, loss etc. - watching all my friends get pregnant so easily. Now I am finally pregnant as a family member still struggles after 4 losses in the same amount of time.

It if it were me, I would appreciate a one -on -one phone call. Just explain that you are pregnant and wanted to share it with everyone, but before you do you're remembering her struggles, and so wanted a chance to tell her first, as you know it may be hard to hear. Just acknowledge that you know it's not easy to hear, and don't want her to feel badly as you begin to "celebrate". She may not want all the fun preggo updates, just ask - some people still enjoy it,personally I didn't. It may or may not be the time to talk about all the wonderful plans you have, or complain about all the early pregnancy stuff - she may not like hearing it.

Anything more personal than the facebook surprise is always kind in that kind of situation, and don't be offended if she doesn't sound as excited or want to talk about it much - it's not you, it's just the crappy situation of course.

You are kind friend for thinking of her like that.

I am currently planning my phone call to my family member in the next coming weeks. I'm going to keep it short and sweet. I will let her know I'm thinking about her, and talk about the pregnancy stuff only briefly unless she asks for more. There are plenty of other people I can celebrate with, I just want to give her time to digest it, before the rest of the family gets really excited around her.

[gratefulmum]

With my previous pregnancy (ds1) my older sister had been TTC for a while. I was really nervous about telling her and phoned her specially to talk about it. I told her my apprehension at telling her and I love her for the response she gave which was, "I'm not mad. It's not my baby you're having." My sister is, granted, one of the most practical people I know so it's probably not the typical response.

I agree that a personal call and not pushing the issue until she's ready is a great idea. Then she can move at the pace that's comfortable for her.

[OkiMom]

I agree with the other posters about a private call.. After give her space to feel whatever she feels.

After my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage I had a lady from church that really helped me out. Her husband her had suffered 6 miscarriages and a still birth so she really knew how I was feeling after losing the baby. I got pregnant 2 months later, right after she miscarried for the 7th time. I called her and told her (because I didn't want her to hear it from someone else) and she didn't take it so well. I felt bad but at least she didn't hear it from someone else from church. It took an adoption before she could put it behind her but I enjoyed talking baby with her when she brought home her 3 month old and I had just given birth to my daughter.

[Angelorum]

Yeah, I'm really not expecting her to gush over my pregnancy this time around.  Do you think a phone call is better than face to face?  More space for her to deal with it?