What am I going to do? Please help.

[sprout 1]

I need some support, I'm all alone and just found out I'm pregnant. I'm 28, and I have 3 children, ages 8, 5, and 2 (boy boy girl). My husband had what I can only describe as a mental break last year, started using drugs and left me and the kids. He was an amazing father but now he sees the kids every other weekend and has nothing to do with them otherwise.

I have a brother in town half the year and an unstable and ill mother halfway across the country, other than that I'm alone. My oldest has a sensory processing disorder and needs to be homeschooled, so between that and their schedule I'm pretty much with the kids all the time and I don't get out alone much.

My boyfriend is 35, with a 4yr old son and a VASECTOMY because he didn't want any more children. I met him through my brother (he did work on my brother's house then they became friends, we liked each other and started dating) My brother went ballistic, finally forgave me after several months, but still refuses to be in the same place as this guy.

So I'm struggling with some long-term and short-term issues, some manageable some not so manageable....

The guy and I don't agree on parenting philosophies at all. I don't agree with so many parts of his lifestyle but he is a good man with a big heart and we have so much fun together. That's all I wanted it to be, fun. Because I haven't fully gotten over my divorce (don't know if I ever will?) and I have so much on my plate just trying to raise my kids, I haven't felt capable of handling anything serious. He grows weed, barely works, and I don't really feel an intellectual connection with him. I don't really take my kids to his house because of the weed thing, and he's not going to quit that any time soon.

I'm terrified of physically handling a pregnancy. I get sick in the beginning and have difficult births. They were all planned to be homebirths but the first ended up c/section, 2nd hospital transfer VBAC, 3rd finally a homebirth but she got stuck and had to be resuscitated. I'm terrified of giving birth again, it is literally torture for me and I hate it. Even with a wonderful midwife I HATE giving birth, it f'ing hurts.

I'm terrified of a custody battle or having to miss time with my child due to shared parenting. Anyone who has been through this will understand.

I'm ashamed that I "got myself pregnant." I feel irresponsible. I'm ashamed of having kids with multiple dads. I'm ashamed, and terrified, of having more kids than I can support financially. I'm worried about what this will do to my family. How will they react? How it will affect my kids! Is it unfair to them? I'm stretched so thin...

Right now I go to school and raise standard poodles, a strange situation that just fell in my lap but it's the only kind of thing I can really do in my situation. Doesn't really make ends meet though. OH and I gave away all my baby stuff!! Everything. Clothes, diapers, equipment, everything.

So I guess that's the back story. My period was late last month but I figured it was just off from having my Mirena removed. I started to worry though, and was convinced that if I was somehow pregnant I'd get the abortion pill. Thankfully my period came, but since then I have thought long and hard about it. There had been times when I thought what a mistake it would have been to do that. Then there are other times when I feel like I want to walk away from my boyfriend because I can't see a future together. 

 He's been saying for the past few days that he thinks I'm pregnant, and "jokes" about how awful it would be and how he wants nothing to do with it.

And there is no way I'd ever want to live with this guy and his son. I could elaborate but this is long enough and I need to go.

So, the way I see it, my options are:

abortion (don't want to)

tell the guy I don't want to see him anymore (I do want to see him, and I'm going to need him?)

try to make something work (doomed)

adoption (no)

1 way tickets to some tropical island where my children and I will be served juice in coconuts (that sounds good)

I want to hear from others who have been in this situation or have any advice or other ideas for me? I just found out an hour ago so it hasn't really sunk in yet. Sorry this is so long... I have nobody else to talk to.

[Kristi Doss]

My heart truly goes out to you! I have never been in that particular experience, but as a doula, I've "seen it all". While a baby is a blessing, even in the best of circumstances it is a major and stressful life event. Add on the other factors, and it can seem overwhelming. This forum is not the most practical way to talk, but I really would love to talk to you more about this to help you find comfort and possibly even assistance. You learn a lot of tricks and paths when birthing is your job :)

Anyways, if you would like to talk more, please feel free to e-mail me at [e-mail]

Hoping to hear from you!

Kristi Doss

Certified Prenatal and Postpartum Doula

www.wix.com/trustbirthdoula/home

[LilyTiger]

I can't give you advice on what you should do because ultimately that decision has to come from you, with your knowledge of your particular situation and values.  What you really need is some time to think.  Try to get away for an hour or two (even if just into the bathtub) and ask yourself some questions about the kind of life this child will have, how you will provide for the child, and how a new baby will impact your current children and their relationships with you and their father.

If you do decide to keep the baby, the most important thing to do is address your feeling of helplessness.  You have a lot more control over things than you seem to think.  Yes, you will have to let the father into the baby's life.  But, especially with the drug issue, chances are good he won't be able to fight you for custody.  You can also take charge of your financial situation.  If your ex-husband isn't contributing financially, he legally should be.  At your income level you are probably eligible for educational assistance for your oldest, and it might even make sense to think about whether he would be better off in a classroom environment so you can provide for your family.  Look into job training options that might allow you some flexibility at home.  What kind of school are you in?  Will it help you provide for your family when you are finished?

None of these are easy questions to answer, but if you are going to keep this baby you need to take control over what you see as an uncontrollable situation.  Make a list, put together a plan for how you are going to handle this, including financial support from both fathers, perhaps joining a mothering group that swaps childcare a few times a week, and a financial plan for how to accomplish this without getting into serious debt.  Be honest with your brother about what happened (a failed vasectomy is no one's fault) and hopefully he can come around to be a stable part of his new niece/nephew's life, at least for half the year.

I don't know how much any of this will help because I'm not in your situation and it's a very difficult one.  But I think taking control is better than the feeling of helplessness you are clearly struggling with.

[indigosky]

Wow, that's a lot to ponder.

I wonder if you might find either of these resources helpful:

Pregnancy Options Workbook
http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/pregnant.htm
(Note that this page is VERY long -- it has the whole workbook on one webpage! It's great stuff, though -- keep scrolling down.)

Backline
http://www.yourbackline.org/
Pregnancy Options Talk Line: 1.888.493.0092
Backline promotes unconditional support for women's decisions, feelings and experiences with pregnancy, parenting, abortion and adoption

[Mom31]

Hugs mama... If you want to pm me- I would be happy to discuss things with you...

I have been there.

[fruitfulmomma]

Regarding morning sickness I have found that a gluten-free diet has greatly improved this pregnancy compared to the last ones. I am typically puking 24/7 for 9 months but this time I haven't at all. Nausea has also been helped with Mommy's Bliss Morning Sickness Comfort ginger pills.

You have a midwife? She will probably be a good place to start with finding local resources and may be able to get you the names of student midwives or training doulas that can offer extra support at the birth for free or low-cost.

Babies really don't need a lot of stuff and many people will be glad to give or loan things out to mommas in need. Feel free to pm if you decide you want help looking for things. I have enough newborn clothes to share.

[sprout 1]

Thank you all for your replies!! I'm soaking it all in. All of you are so wonderful to read and reply, it means so much to me.

I did stumble across the pregnancy options workbook, which is wonderful. I will check out the other link too.

As far as my son goes, I do have him in a program where he's in class for a few hours a week, 1 to 1 1/2 hrs at a time. This is all he can really handle at this point, and I have grown to really love homeschooling. Another thing to think about, how that would all change.

I will start cutting out gluten today! See there is hope I guess.

 I do have a midwife from my daughter's birth but I'm still in the early stages so wasn't sure if I should wait.

I'm going to take the kids out to my favorite hiking spot today and go in to a pregnancy counseling center tomorrow. I really want to rush this decision but I know that's a horrible idea. It's just so hard. Thanks everyone for your help.

[Onemoreontheway]

Sprout, big hugs to you.

Add me on the list of people if you need something or some one to talk to.