I need some support, I'm all alone and just found out I'm pregnant. I'm 28, and I have 3 children, ages 8, 5, and 2 (boy boy girl). My husband had what I can only describe as a mental break last year, started using drugs and left me and the kids. He was an amazing father but now he sees the kids every other weekend and has nothing to do with them otherwise.
I have a brother in town half the year and an unstable and ill mother halfway across the country, other than that I'm alone. My oldest has a sensory processing disorder and needs to be homeschooled, so between that and their schedule I'm pretty much with the kids all the time and I don't get out alone much.
My boyfriend is 35, with a 4yr old son and a VASECTOMY because he didn't want any more children. I met him through my brother (he did work on my brother's house then they became friends, we liked each other and started dating) My brother went ballistic, finally forgave me after several months, but still refuses to be in the same place as this guy.
So I'm struggling with some long-term and short-term issues, some manageable some not so manageable....
The guy and I don't agree on parenting philosophies at all. I don't agree with so many parts of his lifestyle but he is a good man with a big heart and we have so much fun together. That's all I wanted it to be, fun. Because I haven't fully gotten over my divorce (don't know if I ever will?) and I have so much on my plate just trying to raise my kids, I haven't felt capable of handling anything serious. He grows weed, barely works, and I don't really feel an intellectual connection with him. I don't really take my kids to his house because of the weed thing, and he's not going to quit that any time soon.
I'm terrified of physically handling a pregnancy. I get sick in the beginning and have difficult births. They were all planned to be homebirths but the first ended up c/section, 2nd hospital transfer VBAC, 3rd finally a homebirth but she got stuck and had to be resuscitated. I'm terrified of giving birth again, it is literally torture for me and I hate it. Even with a wonderful midwife I HATE giving birth, it f'ing hurts.
I'm terrified of a custody battle or having to miss time with my child due to shared parenting. Anyone who has been through this will understand.
I'm ashamed that I "got myself pregnant." I feel irresponsible. I'm ashamed of having kids with multiple dads. I'm ashamed, and terrified, of having more kids than I can support financially. I'm worried about what this will do to my family. How will they react? How it will affect my kids! Is it unfair to them? I'm stretched so thin...
Right now I go to school and raise standard poodles, a strange situation that just fell in my lap but it's the only kind of thing I can really do in my situation. Doesn't really make ends meet though. OH and I gave away all my baby stuff!! Everything. Clothes, diapers, equipment, everything.
So I guess that's the back story. My period was late last month but I figured it was just off from having my Mirena removed. I started to worry though, and was convinced that if I was somehow pregnant I'd get the abortion pill. Thankfully my period came, but since then I have thought long and hard about it. There had been times when I thought what a mistake it would have been to do that. Then there are other times when I feel like I want to walk away from my boyfriend because I can't see a future together.
He's been saying for the past few days that he thinks I'm pregnant, and "jokes" about how awful it would be and how he wants nothing to do with it.
And there is no way I'd ever want to live with this guy and his son. I could elaborate but this is long enough and I need to go.
So, the way I see it, my options are:
abortion (don't want to)
tell the guy I don't want to see him anymore (I do want to see him, and I'm going to need him?)
try to make something work (doomed)
1 way tickets to some tropical island where my children and I will be served juice in coconuts (that sounds good)
I want to hear from others who have been in this situation or have any advice or other ideas for me? I just found out an hour ago so it hasn't really sunk in yet. Sorry this is so long... I have nobody else to talk to.