OK to give identical gifts to 5 year old twins?

[indigosky]

DD was invited to the birthday party of a pair of twins in her preschool class, who are turning 5. I don't know the kids well. DD has been enjoying her Wikisticks a lot in recent months, and since they're a nice creative, crafty activity that a lot of people don't know about, I thought they might be a good birthday gift.

We will definitely give each kid his/her own gift. My question is, is it OK for the gifts to be identical? I don't see an obvious way to give them similar-but-not-identical Wikisticks gifts.

[twinpossible]

It sounds like you have really good intentions but I just HAD to respond. I really try not to give my twins identical items, they end up fighting over the same one anyway. I tell my family and friends that we do not to any thing identical but they still insist on giving us two of the same outfits or two of the same bear. I always end up giving one of them away. I cannot speak for that family but my girls are very different and I very much dislike the "treat them as a unit" mentality.

[indigosky]

That's really helpful -- that's exactly why I asked the question.

On another thread on a related topic, I read that someone else (I forget if it was someone who was a twin or a parent of a twin) said that whenever the gifts were different, one gift became the more desireable one, and the other the gift that no one wanted, so they still ended up fighting or feeling bad about having gotten the "worse" gift. That person seemed to be giving opposite advice.

I wish I knew these kids better to help me match the gift to the kid. But if others mostly agree with the "not identical gifts" advice, I'll work on thinking of another crafty gift that would be different. I welcome suggestions!

[beanma]

I'm not a M.O.M. mom, but saw this thread in "new posts". I really think it depends on the kid. For Christmas I often give my dds (2.5 yrs apart) identical things. They like identical clothing and having similar toys. I don't always give them the exact same thing, but variations on a theme, so one might get a black stuffed kitty and one might get a white stuffed kitty, etc. Sometimes the items are exactly the same. For my kids I would be happy to give them each a set of wiki stix. If they have different sets (different colors or different designs) I might give dd1 the kitty one and dd2 the puppy one. But, it really depends on the kids.

[Mom31]

I know for my two kids- even tho they are not multiples that the gifts better be close or even or they will be mad mad mad.... what a decision.... I don't know- I would ask the parents what they want you to do.

[twinpossible]

Originally Posted by beanma 

I'm not a M.O.M. mom, but saw this thread in "new posts". I really think it depends on the kid. For Christmas I often give my dds (2.5 yrs apart) identical things. They like identical clothing and having similar toys. I don't always give them the exact same thing, but variations on a theme, so one might get a black stuffed kitty and one might get a white stuffed kitty, etc. Sometimes the items are exactly the same. For my kids I would be happy to give them each a set of wiki stix. If they have different sets (different colors or different designs) I might give dd1 the kitty one and dd2 the puppy one. But, it really depends on the kids.

I don't think that kids 2.5 years apart is anything like twins.

[beanma]

twinpossible, I know 2.5 yrs is not the same as twins, but all I was saying is it really depends on the kids. Sometimes non-twin siblings like to have the same things and sometimes they don't. I would assume the same is true of twins. It would be quite odd for all the twins in the world to only want different things from their twin, or conversely for all the twins in the world to only want the same thing as their twin. IndigoSky doesn't even say if the twins are both girls or both boys or one of each. I don't think it's at all out of line to suggest that they might want the same thing and it depends on the kids.

I think the PP's suggestion to ask the mom is a good one, but really, unless the OP's dd is the only guest at the b-day party I doubt if it's a big deal. I would hope if the parents and kids feel strongly about it one way or the other then they would give non-identical gifts or conversely identical/similar gifts. The gifts from a school friend, in my experience, aren't really crucial to the overall success of the the birthday party.

And, twinpossible, if your children are less than 1 yr old (5/11 in your sig), that's hardly the same thing as 5 year old twins.

Edited by beanma - 2/12/12 at 2:00pm

[twinpossible]

Originally Posted by beanma 

And, twinpossible, if your children are less than 1 yr old (5/11 in your sig), that's hardly the same thing as 5 year old twins.

They are the 3rd set of identical twins in my family. Yes, not all twins want the same thing. I am just annoyed when people say "I'm not a mom of multiples BUT..." Really you just don't know until you have a set of multiples.

[Red Pajama]

Get the birthday present you wish to give. My boys sometimes get identical presents, sometimes similar presents, sometimes very different presents, sometimes a shared present. It's all well received. Gifts come from the giver, so please do as you feel motivated to.

[Buzzbuzz]

I would definitely agree that it really depends on the twins.   For my nieces, two different presents would be extremely problematic -- for example, if one of the girls sneezes my sister has to give each of them a kleenex.  They are younger than 5 and this may be a passing phase but for now things being equivalent is very important to them.

I agree with a PP that similar but different presents might be the way forward -- they each get a (different) board game, they each get a different book, they each get a similar but different puzzle.

[stik]

As a twin who feels very strongly about being a distinct individual from my sister, who I do not even usually refer to as my twin - it's fine. 

Please don't stick them in a single package with one tag and both names.  But otherwise, it's fine. 

I have great childhood memories of parties where my mom hosted about a million little kids, baked and decorated two (very different) cakes, and we opened up presents that were basically matched sets.  It never bothered me.  Plus, I could always snitch the head off her Barbie if the dog ate the one off mine.  Not that I ever did that. 

It's pretty standard parenting advice that if a toy is nifty, it's nice to have one for each kid and that the more similar those items are, the easier it will be to defuse conflict over them.  I researched parenting advice as part of my master's thesis, and it's one of the few things that showed up in Watson, Gesell, Spock, and Leach as advice for dealing with sibling rivalry.  Once kids are old enough to walk, and talk, their conflicts can be much more intense.  We've had wikistix in my house (multiple sets for multiple kids).  Wikistix are cool.  They are open-ended creative toys that many people have never heard of, and that unique individual children will use in unique individual ways. 

I don't think it's treating children as a unit to give two children who are the same age the same present.  My kids sometimes get the same gifts as their cousins (and sometimes get gifts their cousins are super-jealous of - not a HUGE issue if the cousins go home in an hour, but a twin is like a cousin who never goes home, no matter how cranky you get with them).  And when I find a cool, inexpensive toy for the age group, I have sometimes sent it as a gift to the birthdays of multiple children in my kids' classes.  When you know them better, you can individualize.  However, at age 5, an invitation to a party is often not an indicator of a close personal bond between your child and the party hosts, and preschool b-day gifts are not expected to reflect deep insight into the personality, preferences, or even clothing sizes of the recipients.

It's not nice to give twins a gift they have to share.  It's horrible to assume that they are basically the same person in two bodies.  But giving two kids the same toy is not doing that.  It's getting two.  Their close family will know their personalities well and will gift accordingly, as will you, should you get to know them better.

[colsxjack]

My brother in laws are 9 year old twins.

they share everything and play together with all of their toys.

We buy them gifts with this in mind and so buy two completely different gifts knowing that the two of them will use both.

We can do this because we know their personalities.

If it was me, I would buy two sets of the wiki-stiks. Better for them to have the same thing than to have potentially one thinking the others pre3sent was cooler.

[ChaoticMum]

I would ask the parents - its the best way to get the right answer for these specific kids. Every kid is different, whether twin or not. My older boys are 16mths apart and needed the exact same item at birthdays etc - and got all excited when the later birthday child could say "I got the same thing as K!!!". But now at 7 and 8 they are totally fine with different toys and share well.  My twins are 2.5 and its still at the WW3 stage if they don't have the exact same toy.

The only way to know for sure is to ask the parents.

[stik]

One of the awesome things about wikistix is that the gifts will no longer be identical 30 seconds after they are taken out of the box.  And, you can play alone or play with someone equally well. 

[queenofchaos]

Originally Posted by stik 

One of the awesome things about wikistix is that the gifts will no longer be identical 30 seconds after they are taken out of the box.  And, you can play alone or play with someone equally well. 

yeah, identical crafting gift is totally cool.  IF the twins are of a sharing persuasion (some are NOT lol), getting two different gifts is fun, tho, because it's like getting two gifts instead of one a piece.   (I am not at all for forced sharing.  Property rights are very important and when you are a twin, imperative.)  I love the idea of variation of same gift.  I think wiki sticks come in different color themes.  Very cool gift BTW.  Another way to look at it, what if it were a birthday for two friends who shared the same b-day?  Would you hesitate to give identical presents if you knew the would both enjoy the gift?  Sometimes I think we over think the twin thing.  lol

[CorriJ]

Maybe you could add a small pack of stickers to each gift? Get them the same wiki stix and different stickers? That way the big thing is the same but there is some difference?

[Shuli]

Our boys are 4 and really enjoy playing and sharing games. One is good at puzzles and one is good at matching/problem solving. They like it when they get two different gifts, but ones that they can play together like two different puzzles, board games or one of each. That way each child receives a gift and they can both enjoy both of them. My DH is a twin and I have a sibling very close in age to me so I am very sensitive to the whole "you don't have to share your things if you don't want to" approach, but I do encourage it. Most gifts just become communal anyway so everybody gets to enjoy them. Even when they do get the same thing, it's a variation on a theme like two different kinds of trucks or two different sets of leggo that can be used interchangeably so they can both play either together or seperately. It really depends on the types of kids and the parents. I would ask the mother what she prefers so that she doesn't end up the policeman (which is something I hate doing and even have some presents put away because the thought of the fighting just precluded me from even giving it to them).

We have the opposite problem that when the boys are invited to a birthday they each want to give a gift, so I land up having to buy two seperate gifts for the same child having the birthday :-)

[f&p'smama]

I think that sounds like a fantastic gift & my girls would be happy to each get one.  My girls are happy to get the same things or different things.  It's not been such a big deal for us.  You're very thoughtful and generous.