I don't want an abortion but I have no choice?

[sprout 1]

I just found out this afternoon that I'm pregnant with #4... Was married to the dad of my 3 and went through a horrible divorce last year, he's pretty much out of the picture now. I've only been dating this guy 8 months.

I told him tonight and he was really upset, said I had to get an abortion. I told him why I couldn't and wouldn't do that but when he kept arguing I finally just said fine and told him I never want to see him again. It really hurts... he has a 4yr old so I kind of was thinking he'd be at least open to something other than just getting rid of the child he and I made together.

I can't get an abortion. But I have to. I feel in my heart I could handle another child but I know I will have no support emotionally, physically, financially. So logically, I can't have another child. How will I even take care of mine when I have morning sickness, etc etc etc. But if I had an abortion I know it would destroy me. But then again if I wasn't able to take proper care of all my children that would destroy all of us. I'm just in shock that I'm in this situation at all and don't know what to do.

I wrote a huge long thread in the "I'm pregnant" forum but this seems like a better fit...

[motherhendoula]

Hi, maybe im not the best person to be writing to you because for me, i found the choice to be pretty easy.  I was a single mother of two young children, I was living in a one bedroom apt.  I was working 3 jobs - my ex demanded split custody of the kids and used that to justify paying me NO child support.  and i was dating a wonderful man.   I was nearly 35 when i got pregnant (condom malfunction)  and let myself day dream a little bit about making a life with this great guy and raising the new baby with him.  But pretty quickly i saw the reality - living in a tiny one room apt - struggling financially -  for me it was too much.  I have always been a head before heart sort of person and for me, making the decision was pretty quick and easy. 

Of course, my BF reacted better than yours did - so sorry for that!  what a dill-weed! 

I opted for a 'medical - or chemical' abortion - which was Cytotec, inserted.  It was still rather painful, i bled for about two weeks and had to take it easy.  Overall i do not beat myself up about this decision, for me it was the right thing to do at the time.  Thats the best we can do.  Dont be too hard on yourself, Good Luck whatever you decide.

[librarygirl]

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to wish you peace and a chance to think things through before making a decision. *hugs*

[fruitfulmomma]

It is not his choice to make. Don't let him force you into doing something you already know you don't want.

Circumstances can chang between now and the birth. pm me if you want help finding resources local to you that could help.

[Alenushka]

I am very much pro-choice. More  pro-choice now that I have kids.

However, I think you need to see a counselor. Unbiased one.

Abortion is only a good decision if  you feel it is. If it destroys you, as you say (whatever it means to you) , how will you take care of your kids?

You have choices.

1) Have the baby and get child support out of this guy

2) Find a loving couple to adopt your child

3)See a therapist ASAP and make your peace with the decision.

4) think of permanent birth control method.

Could it be that the reason you feel that way you feel is your cultural/religious background. Perhaps  you feel that  you have  to feel guilty about abortion to be "a good girl". You do not need t feel this way.

I am forever grateful that my mom had chosen  abortion with her 3d unplanned fetus. She could barely take of us as it was....with a third kid we all would have  ended up in state care. I remember when I was adult, and were spending   time together  with my newborn son. My mother told me how bad she felt about her abortion. And I looked at her holding my son and I said "I am sorry it happened but it saved us all. That decision is a reason why  you are holding your grandchild right now and why  my brother and I are OK"

I believe that my parental obligation, first and foremost, is to the children I already have.

[Mom31]

Hugs mama... it is not his decision to make. It is yours... you seem to really feel like you could not handle an abortion- so do not go that route- if you feel strongly about it.

I also suggest seeing a counselor.

PM me if you want to talk- I have been there.

[JollyGG]

Momma you can do this alone if you decide to. You already know how to parent, with any luck you still have some baby gear. Even if you don't, babies really don't need much. No, it's not likely to be easy, but it's not impossible.

I don't see how old your other three are but I'd guess that they can handle a period of time when Mom is ill and not at her best. Kids are hardy. Yes, you'll feel bad, but they will in all likely hood be fine.

If you do decide to keep the child you do have the option of pursuing child support. He doesn't get to just decide what you have to do for you and then wash his hands of the situation. He has a responsibility to this child if he likes it or not. It's just up to you to decide if you want the headaches and the continued contact with the jerk and if the costs are worth the advantages.

If you really really feel you cannot raise this child then adoption is also a loving option.

If this is something you don't want to do then don't do it. 

[BookWorm24]

First of all you ALWAYS have a choice! That being said I know first hand of what it is like to have financial trouble and little ones I had two children before I was old enough to buy a lotto ticket. It was hard but I made it work w/o a man. I also know what it feels like to have someone or everyone telling you what you have to do. If you are haveing ANY reservations about getting an abortion don't do it, there is no redo button for that and it is a choice you will have to live with for the rest of your life. You can however give the baby up for adoption, there are many couples who cannot concieve and are looking toward adoption, you may be able to help them start a family. Whatever you decide IT IS YOUR CHOICE and you are the one who will have to live with it. 

[Mom31]

if you even begin to think adoption please read primal wound first

[sprout 1]

wow thanks everyone for your replies... I shed my first tears reading through them.

The funny thing is my period was a day or two late last month. I decided if it was late a couple more days I'd get a pregnancy test, and if it was positive I'd take the abortion pill. Over the past month I've thought several times what a mistake that would have been, and I had what were almost like mourning thoughts for the child that would have been. I know if I had an abortion I'd always feel regret, shame, and like a coward for not trying to do something I know I could do.

My kids are 8, 5, and 2. My due date would be a month before my daughter turns 3, which is funny since all my kids are 3 years apart.

My 8yr old has sensory processing disorder so he can only be in the classroom a few hrs a week, so I have to homeschool him the rest of the time, there's really no option at this point. So everything I do for income is always under the table, I just can't work a regular job right now. I've been pursuing my bachelor's degree online, and I do have some things I could sell that would probably float me for a year or two. That's something, right? I mean by the time all the kids are in school I could hopefully use my degree to get a good job and we'd be ok.

There's no way I'll get support out of this guy. If I have the baby, I will do everything in my power to not list him as the father. He was supposed to be like a fun rebound for me... I had a mirena but it caused me to have some cysts and bladder issues so I had it removed and he got a vasectomy. We've never had unprotected sex since my mirena so I don't even know how this happened... He doesn't work and I don't agree with his parenting philosophies (should say lack therof) or his lifestyle (growing weed to make ends meet). I was with him because we had so much fun together, and honestly it's nearly impossible for me to meet people. Not someone I actually wanted to have a family with though, and apparently he felt the same about me. 

I don't know, I just feel like I could do it on my own. Overall I feel like a good mom. I'd do anything for my kids. They all adore each other and we're a pretty tight family. In my heart I feel that another child is a positive thing, not a negative one. But I have no way of knowing how that all could change. I've been through so much in my life that I almost feel like I could do anything, and I really couldn't afford to be humbled if things would go wrong with this. Part of me thinks I'm an absolute idiot for even considering it, but another part of me feels like it's just how it's going to be and we're going to find a way to make it like we always have.

Tomorrow I will be going in to one of those pregnancy centers where they give counseling, it's supposedly not biased but we'll see.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, it means a lot to me.

[pianojazzgirl]

I don't have any great insights or advice, but I couldn't read and not send hugs.  (((hugs)))

Good luck making your decision mama.  May you have peace in your heart.

[JMJ]

Hugs to you, mama.  I couldn't read without responding.  What a difficult situation!  I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all that.  I have known women who have had abortions because they feel like they had no choice, and they have had a very difficult time with their abortions.  I really feel that a society that really cared for women would support them to be able to have their babies and that no woman would ever feel like she has no choice other than to have an abortion.  What a terrible place to be!  I sometimes feel like our society in general has shut down support for pregnant women because they could just avoid needing help by having an abortion.  This is especially true for the men who get women pregnant.

Fortunately, there are some individuals and organizations (mostly who have a pro-life bent) who are trying to do everything they can to provide women in exactly your situation, those who don't want an abortion but don't know if they can do it by themselves, to get the assistance that they need to be able to make the decision to give birth to their babies and make decisions about the baby's upbringing that they can live with.  Many pregnancy care centers will provide women with referrals for affordable or in some cases free prenatal and birth care, maternity and baby clothes and materials, assistance with finding jobs or making financial decisions about how to make things work, help walking through the adoption process if a woman chooses, and anything they can do to help women get on their feet after the birth.  No, this does not extend throughout the child's entire life, but there is not such a gap in our society's willingness to care for women and children after the baby is born.  Programs like WIC, food stamps, and other welfare programs provide some support to those who have the most critical needs.

There are no guarantees in life, and something terrible could happen to any of us.  I know you're living closer to that edge than many of us, but most of the time, things do work out.  I've never known anybody who has regretted their decision not to have an abortion.  I have friends who are struggling single moms, and it's hard.  They live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes get behind on bills, but they never regret making a decision for life for their children, and somehow, they make it through.

I do encourage you to talk with someone who is aware of the resources for struggling pregnant mothers in your area, and this is likely to be your local pro-life pregnancy center.  Nobody is unbiased when it comes to abortion.  Either they think it might be a good choice, or they don't.  Places that refer for abortions are not likely to suggest that you go someplace that is pro-life, even if it is a place that could provide you with the real resources that you would need to follow through with your choice for life, and most of the places that work the hardest to provide for pregnant women in need do so out of a strong belief that both the mother and baby are people who deserve support and therefore can't in good conscience encourage abortion.  I really encourage you to explore ALL your options to know what resources could be available to you and prevent you from feeling trapped in having an abortion.

[JollyGG]

Originally Posted by JMJ 

Hugs to you, mama.  I couldn't read without responding.  What a difficult situation!  I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all that.  I have known women who have had abortions because they feel like they had no choice, and they have had a very difficult time with their abortions.  I really feel that a society that really cared for women would support them to be able to have their babies and that no woman would ever feel like she has no choice other than to have an abortion.  What a terrible place to be!  I sometimes feel like our society in general has shut down support for pregnant women because they could just avoid needing help by having an abortion.  This is especially true for the men who get women pregnant.

Fortunately, there are some individuals and organizations (mostly who have a pro-life bent) who are trying to do everything they can to provide women in exactly your situation, those who don't want an abortion but don't know if they can do it by themselves, to get the assistance that they need to be able to make the decision to give birth to their babies and make decisions about the baby's upbringing that they can live with.  Many pregnancy care centers will provide women with referrals for affordable or in some cases free prenatal and birth care, maternity and baby clothes and materials, assistance with finding jobs or making financial decisions about how to make things work, help walking through the adoption process if a woman chooses, and anything they can do to help women get on their feet after the birth.  No, this does not extend throughout the child's entire life, but there is not such a gap in our society's willingness to care for women and children after the baby is born.  Programs like WIC, food stamps, and other welfare programs provide some support to those who have the most critical needs.

There are no guarantees in life, and something terrible could happen to any of us.  I know you're living closer to that edge than many of us, but most of the time, things do work out.  I've never known anybody who has regretted their decision not to have an abortion.  I have friends who are struggling single moms, and it's hard.  They live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes get behind on bills, but they never regret making a decision for life for their children, and somehow, they make it through.

I do encourage you to talk with someone who is aware of the resources for struggling pregnant mothers in your area, and this is likely to be your local pro-life pregnancy center.  Nobody is unbiased when it comes to abortion.  Either they think it might be a good choice, or they don't.  Places that refer for abortions are not likely to suggest that you go someplace that is pro-life, even if it is a place that could provide you with the real resources that you would need to follow through with your choice for life, and most of the places that work the hardest to provide for pregnant women in need do so out of a strong belief that both the mother and baby are people who deserve support and therefore can't in good conscience encourage abortion.  I really encourage you to explore ALL your options to know what resources could be available to you and prevent you from feeling trapped in having an abortion.

I agree with everything she said.

[annie2186]

Originally Posted by JMJ 

Hugs to you, mama.  I couldn't read without responding.  What a difficult situation!  I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all that.  I have known women who have had abortions because they feel like they had no choice, and they have had a very difficult time with their abortions.  I really feel that a society that really cared for women would support them to be able to have their babies and that no woman would ever feel like she has no choice other than to have an abortion.  What a terrible place to be!  I sometimes feel like our society in general has shut down support for pregnant women because they could just avoid needing help by having an abortion.  This is especially true for the men who get women pregnant.

Fortunately, there are some individuals and organizations (mostly who have a pro-life bent) who are trying to do everything they can to provide women in exactly your situation, those who don't want an abortion but don't know if they can do it by themselves, to get the assistance that they need to be able to make the decision to give birth to their babies and make decisions about the baby's upbringing that they can live with.  Many pregnancy care centers will provide women with referrals for affordable or in some cases free prenatal and birth care, maternity and baby clothes and materials, assistance with finding jobs or making financial decisions about how to make things work, help walking through the adoption process if a woman chooses, and anything they can do to help women get on their feet after the birth.  No, this does not extend throughout the child's entire life, but there is not such a gap in our society's willingness to care for women and children after the baby is born.  Programs like WIC, food stamps, and other welfare programs provide some support to those who have the most critical needs.

There are no guarantees in life, and something terrible could happen to any of us.  I know you're living closer to that edge than many of us, but most of the time, things do work out.  I've never known anybody who has regretted their decision not to have an abortion.  I have friends who are struggling single moms, and it's hard.  They live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes get behind on bills, but they never regret making a decision for life for their children, and somehow, they make it through.

I do encourage you to talk with someone who is aware of the resources for struggling pregnant mothers in your area, and this is likely to be your local pro-life pregnancy center.  Nobody is unbiased when it comes to abortion.  Either they think it might be a good choice, or they don't.  Places that refer for abortions are not likely to suggest that you go someplace that is pro-life, even if it is a place that could provide you with the real resources that you would need to follow through with your choice for life, and most of the places that work the hardest to provide for pregnant women in need do so out of a strong belief that both the mother and baby are people who deserve support and therefore can't in good conscience encourage abortion.  I really encourage you to explore ALL your options to know what resources could be available to you and prevent you from feeling trapped in having an abortion.

^^^^^ yes, to this.

K in my signature is not my biological child. My DH has admitted that he and bio-mom almost had an abortion. It was the only time I have seen him cry. I am not sure why/what happened (the bio-mom was still under 18) but when I look at K sometimes, I just think about how lucky she is. How lucky EVERYONE is to be here after abortion was legalized. It was a lottery we won. Unfortunately we, the winners, were the minority. 

You can tell from my signature that I have 4 kids (3 bio ones). It has not been an easy last 6 years for me as all of them were surprises to one degree or another. However, looking at them, right now, making block towers..........I am so happy I let them win the lottery.

The honest to goodness truth is that there is a BABY in there. A human life that was entrusted to you. It is not a ball of cells. It is a boy or a girl with a personality and a DESTINY. He/she is counting on you, their mother and ultimate protector, to let them LIVE.

Anyways, I know this post will not make me the most popular person and I honestly do not judge any poor mother who has felt that her only option was to kill her own child. It is just a by-product of the society we live in. 

  's momma

[sprout 1]

Well I totally experienced what you're talking about JMJ, in regards to people's motivations for encouraging abortion when the mom doesn't want it. I talked to my brother's girlfriend yesterday, because she's a very open minded person and I thought she'd listen. She ended up giving me a lecture on how I am "creating my own destiny" by saying it would be too hard for me to have an abortion, and she strongly encouraged me to change the way I talk and think about it and go for an abortion. Obviously, saying it would be too hard to have the baby is the same thing in that regard, the only difference is it wouldn't affect HER life at all if I'd terminate. But after talking for a while, she apologized and said she just doesn't want to see me go through more pain, because I've had a really difficult few years and things were finally settling down. I guess people don't understand that it would be infinitely more painful for me to abort my baby than to raise it. For everyone else, aborting the baby makes it "go away" and solves the "problem". It will never go away for me, and I don't see any of my children as problems.

I've actually found myself getting EXCITED about having another baby, and then immediately feeling guilty, ashamed, and like a complete idiot. Last night I was laying in bed, looking at my pregnancy tests and I got this huge grin and just felt overwhelmed with joy. Then the "real world" hit and I felt like crying. Rather than think I may be going crazy, I'm going to just allow myself to have these mood swings for the moment and take it day by day.

I did go to the pregnancy center and they are on a full swing pro-life agenda. I got an ultrasound and I'm probably around 6 weeks, but it wasn't even any use talking to them because they just were trying to push adoption. 

So I guess at this point I still feel like I SHOULD get an abortion, but I know there's no way I will. I love this baby too much already. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do it but I'm just going to have to try.

Annie- my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend (lol) had an abortion when they were young. When I met him many years later he cried telling me about it. Throughout our marriage I thought about that baby every once in a while, and it did feel like a loss even though it had nothing to do with me. I don't judge anyone who chooses abortion, but I just know it isn't a decision I could live with.

[Mom31]

well then you know your only option is to have and raise the baby!  You can do it and we fully support you in any decision you make. both my kids were surprises and I did not know how I would do it- but I am doing it. It will all work out- you are strong and loving mother.

[JMJ]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your brother's girlfriend and the pro-life pregnancy center.  I think some people see adoption as the "pro-life" way of making the "problem" go away, and it can be used similarly to how "pro-choice" people use abortion, as a means of excusing themselves from giving a mother what she needs when what she really wants is a little bit of emotional and material support to be able to raise this baby, despite the imperfect circumstances.  Don't get me wrong.  I think adoption can be a great option for some situations, but it sounds like you're a great mom already, and you're already in love with this baby, and what you'd really like is support for making it work so that you can raise this baby.  (I apologize if I'm putting words in your mouth.  That is just what it sounds like from reading your posts, so correct me if I'm wrong.)

I'm really surprised that the pregnancy center you visited didn't offer you options for parenting the child.  Most places, maternity and baby clothes and other materials comes standard at pro-life centers, along with a wide array of knowledge about the other community resources in the area.  Is there a Birthright nearby where you live?  As an organization as a whole, they are pro-life and freely admit it, but they are not preachy or judgmental about it, and they make it their goal to listen to what a mother needs and provide for those needs.  If you go in there not sure of your decision, they'll encourage you to look at all your options, including adoption, but if you tell them that you've thought about it, and you think adoption is not the best choice for your situation, I would assume (hope) that they would respect that.  If you came in and told them that you have decided to raise this child yourself and just need some help or that you really want to explore the option of parenting and see what resources could be available to you, I would guess that they would do just that.  Most pro-life pregnancy centers are independently run, so results may vary, but Birthright has international organization to ensure (or at least do a better job of ensuring) quality.  If there's one in the area, I would definitely look them up.

[8inHawaii]

I am so sorry for all you have had to go through in recent years and now with the unexpected baby. You are right in saying that an abortion can destroy you. My friends that have had abortions were all traumatized and know they have lost their child and would take it back if they could. Plus, they found it hard bringing it up to their other children years later. One person I knew - their grown child had always felt they had a missing sibling and never understood why until their mom revealed years later that she had had an abortion. The child had even dreamed of their sister they never knew! Kind of eerie. you have a lot on your plate and I understand you are scared. I know adoption seems like a cop out too, but it is actually a very selfless choice. Even though you love your unseen baby you want the best for it already and maybe adoption is it. One of my best friends is adopted and she was the youngest of 4. Her mother knew she couldn't raise her and gave her to my friend's adoptive family. Of course there were times she wondered why her mom didn't keep her, but she loves her adopted parents and she knows her bio-mom must have suffered a lot to come to the decision to give her up and that it was for her benefit - not because she wasn't wanted. My friend has been in contact w/ her bio-mom as an adult and has had a wonderful up-bringing and has a wonderful adoptive mom, dad and brother. She wouldn't change her path. I will pray for you - that you make the right decision for you and your baby and that you can have a deep and lasting peace with your decision. Just please do not abort your little one - they are a person w/ a destiny as much as my several friends who are now adults who had come close to being aborted. There is a really awesome moving ad that was put out a couple years ago that is worth looking at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIBZ-kJ6XAc Please watch it! I will be thinking of you and your family. You are a good mom to be worried about your kids!

[Alenushka]

I come from the country where women routinely have 2-12 abortions. My mother felt sad about hers but not any other of my friends, relatives or other women I met. I do not think abortion is alwa a traumatazing expreince. Some people feel sad about adoption.

It is all depends on how one frames it.

[Mom31]

I am adopted and I do not reccomend it to anyone. Seriously.  the same feelings you have about abortion you will have after an adoption and there are no guarantees about the adoptive  parents promising open adoption =- they hold all the cards.  Do not put this baby up for adoption unless you want to feel all the same things you would feel about abortion- loss, grief,  depression, etc.... I can get you more information if you like but this is not a good option for many reasons.  Your baby is yours.