HELP!!! Blended family with upcoming visit causing major STRESS!!!

[sherryvhkb]

Hello,

I am a poster in the TTC forum and have found such a supportive, honest and helpful community that I am posting here hoping for the same.  DH and I are a very blended family. I have five daughters- him a daughter and son.  My youngest lives with us.  We tend to be a quiet and orderly household.  Dh is kind of a neat freak...and thats fine with me.  We get along so very well.  We enjoy talking, reading, at times watching movies and just share so many likes, opinions, etc.  We are VERY compatible....until his family comes.

We lived quite far until the past few years so visits were brief- and not of much impact.  We were in a serious relationship at the time and looking to become family.  It seemed to be embraced....

Now not so much.  It seems his mom was not happy about his getting married, but doesn't say so out loud.  His sisters- both single- act very much like wives- and seem resentful of his involvment elsewhere.  This has been stressful when people visit.  There are no boundaries for privacy- not even our bedroom where people may come in and be going through our things.

It really became difficult summer before last when his mom and a couple of her great grandchildren came to visit.  Now I see these little boys more often- there mom is estranged and they come stay weekends to give their grandma (SIL#1) a break.  I love them and love to have them- they call me mom- and they belong to my heart- when she came (from out of the country) for the summer months she became in charge of them.  They also came to stay with us.  It was hard for the boys who are used to blending into our family.  They would suddenly be yelled at because they wanted to come upstairs and sleep on the beds they usually do- Grandma "nana" says in their country little boys sleep on hard floor all the time.  If I even tried to put a pillow down for them she would become irate.  She also believes in hitting and would often yell at them for being stupid etc..  THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING IN ME>  I finaly sat down with DH after the older kids called me home from the store to tell me the 2 yr old had been tossed roughly into a stairwell- and another time when she tossed him outside in only a diaper in a thunderstorm because he kept asking for milk.  We had a major fight over this but I vowed I would call child protective services myself.  So he he had a talk with her- she really hates me now.

well summer ended and she went home- and i went to hard work cleaning up- the house was destroyed- food stains on everything- walls furniture carpet- the smell of fried- eveything- in the cutrains- i scrubbed and cleaned and aired it all out! 

This summer she was back again- same stresses- same mess- same end of my rope- but the summer ends- and i kept the boys with me most of the time.

BUT- she didn't go back this year.  She came for a week around new years and left as much havoc- i mean she throws away my curtains- throw rugs- pictures- and dh unknowing gives her $$ and she goes out and buys things she wants to replace with.  As he was helping them load the car I saw my new plastic storage containers, kitchen tools, food etc. all going out the door in bags.  I just snapped.  thank god not all would fit in the car and I was able to recoup some things- I don't mean to be petty but we live in the inner city now.  I am from a small town and find it stressful here.  I drive hours away to go shopping for staples that are just hard to find here- things for DD's lunches- and yes all those kitchen items had been brought with no hopes of replacement for some time- and DH would be mad at ME about the cost.  When I bring it up to him he gets VERY IRATE at me about being selfish.  He also acts very different- he has to be served- and women children etc. don't eat with him.  crazy things like that- who IS this man??? so the smell and mess and fights from that week are gone- and we are back on track and happy-

  Culturally- the mother is everything to her sons.  anything they have is hers- the brother- is husband to the sisters(not sexual) and also considered father to his siters children.  Biological fathers are only that. 

I tolerate this fairly well- all the phone calls and requests for help- all of this responsability that takes away from "our" family or time.  DH works 6-7 days a week and it never fails that on a rare weekend off sister will call having some crisis that will take him away- our vacation was even cancelled this summer as one sister decided she was having a big family party- at our house- and then they guilted him in to attending another function after that. 

So I've just found out they are coming next weekend for a long weekend visit- I can't take it- we have been TTC and are dealing with infertility and I will be 10-13 days post ovulation and trying to stay calm.  Everytime they come- i am starting to think this marraige is not for me- then we get back to normal and I do love him SOOO much and we are so happy together.

I just found this out and I just want to run away- I will have to go through the house all week and hide anything i care about or want to keep.  I just can't- I am on a new trial of medication and feeling extra tired, emotional and having so many stomach issues- and smell sensitivity.

I don't know WHAT to do.  I see this forum is mainly about happier and more mundane things but I am hoping someone out there can talk me down.