"He should of been on my chest....right?"

[1sunshine]

Hi Everyone,

I was so happy to see that there's a place where we could actually talk, vent about our birthing experiences for those of us that had a tough time. I obviously fit that category.  :( 

At the time it didn't phase me much. What had to be done to save Caden was the utmost importance but after all was said and done and our long NICU stay was over and we went home, that's when it all began to set in. All the things that I missed out on from my birthing experience because it was complicated by a emergency c-section, a preemie, and those things make everything very "not normal."

The hard part above everything was that I was on the table and could hear them talking about Caden's status or lack there of. My arms were held down and I kept asking what was happening until finally I yelled, "I know this isn't normal what is going on with my baby!" That got some attention. A nurse came over and said, "we're doing our best to help your son breath, just trust us and try to not listen to our back and forth talk...(that might of worked, NO, but the room was silent minus their talking! AND that was  my baby they were discussing!) You get me? So hearing he was flat lining and not breathing, and not stable to take to the NICU yet what terrifying. All while I'm strapped down to this table, (another helpless feeling.) Do you get I don't like being strapped down? Or feeling helpless? After maybe 30 min he was stable enough to take to the NICU and they passed him by me and let me put my finger in his and he gave me this little squeeze, I think I will always remember. It wasn't strong but enough to reassure me that he was a fighter just like his name meant!

19 months later, I still tear up to think that I wasn't the first person to hold my son. (I know doctors are but I mean some of my family did before I because I could go into the NICU for 24 hr due to the C-section rule about not sitting up for 24 hrs.)  Don't get me started on that one! That because of some of Caden's issues he could suck, breath, and swallow, he had a feeding tube and then went to a bottle and they only let me try breastfeeding a few times. Though it was quickly discouraged because it took too much effort on his part so he was losing weight and it was tiring him out for his next feeding. Which then lead to a whole other set of issues. I stayed at the NICU from 7:30 am- 7 pm everyone Caden was there. I didn't think not too! However, it sadden me to see mom's come in drop off their milk and kiss their little ones and out they went. I didn't get that. Though I try hard to not judge them it still bothers me. Just leaving him at night for 12 hours made me crazy. I would call 2-3 times in the night especially when I knew what time they weighed him, (because at one point that determined if he could go home.) By 3:15 a,m those mornings I would be told "sorry Lauren, the feedings or this or that didn't go well..." And I would sobb thinking how I could go another day in that NICU and walking out without him! You get through it then because you don't have a choice and you MUST do it but afterwards I realized what I went through and questioned how I really did it! I was emotionally spent. I probably did some of that to myself by my 3 am calls and staying all day long everyday but that's what I felt lead to do for my boy.

Now, I fear having another baby. All the "what if's" creep up in this busy head of mine. It terrifies me. I know I have to live and get those fears out of my head but so much easier to say then execute!

Does anyone relate to any part of this? If so, give me some feedback please as to how you deal with your current fears if any or how you made this less of a painful situation for you.

Thanks,

Lauren

[LadyJade]

I'm sorry, Sunshine.  

My cousin had a really rough first birth, with HELLP and a csection at 28 weeks and of course a VERY long NICU ordeal.  It was sooo hard on her.  But she just had her second, at full term, very healthy and took him right home at 3 days old.  For her, that is the sweetest thing ever.  

Your second can be world's different and help you heal from the first.

[LunaLady]

Lauren, I have no advice to offer, but I feel your pain. My boy was born 7 weeks early and I didn't get to see him until he was 15 hours old. He had a lengthy NICU stay as well. It has been so hard on me to try and bond with him... we breastfeed (he got pumped milk until 11 weeks old when he decided to start feeding from the breast) and co sleep and I'm at home with him all day... but I still am having a hard time bonding.

For me... time has been the best healer. My boy is five months old, now, and I am not as bitter about everything quite as often. I am still SO bitter, but it doesn't bother me every second of every day like it did at first. 

Other than that, I have nothing. I'm still probably just as raw as you are over these things, but I can only hope that in maybe five or ten years time I'll be somewhat over it. 

[Ellien C]

I'm sorry for your experience. don't be too hard on the other moms though. You just don't know what situations they have going on at home - who has other children that need attention or sick spouses or aging parents or whatever. You just don't know anyone's situation. 

[Mandy613]

i dont like to talk about what i went threw all i want to say now is 38 hour long induction ending in an emergency c-section,  but i feel your pain, your feeling of disconnect, your feeling of missing out on something that society has told us should be the biggest deal in the world.

its been 2 years and another child since that horrible day and i still have dreams about it all. well, from what i saw before i passed out.

it does get better, but it takes a lot of healing and being able to let things go before you can start that long journey. best of luck!