Just another Bullying/Bossy friend thread

[augustmom]

My 8.5 year old has been treading some unstable friend waters these days. She revealed to me last week that a girl in her class slapped her in the face, called her "gay" and talks behind her back. If it were just name calling, I would've resorted to my usual role playing with her, teaching her responses, but even here, I'm stumped. But I called the principle about the slapping. I don't hit my kid, so I don't expect her to get slapped at school either. Both girls were called down seperately. Bully girl denied the slapping but admitted she could have "accidently bumped" into my daughter.  Teacher talked to both my daughter and bully girl together, too, and talked about community building and respectful behavior, keeping hands to themselves. What ever. blah blah blah. 

The biggest issue: my daughter is drawn to this bully girl, and another "moody" friend (likes her 1 day, disses her, another). I have told her to ignore both girls and to foster her friendships with the nicer girls in class she's already friends with.

How can I cut her attraction to the mean girls???? I know it's building up her self esteem, and things like this, gradual things, but what can I do NOW, right this minute, to nip this in the bud??? I plan on getting the Queen Bees and Wannabees book. But I need ideas I can use now. Thank you!

[MariaMadly]

Has your daughter told you why she's drawn to these girls?  I have grown sons, myself, but if they were in a situation like this, I would look first to what they felt these friends have to offer that isn't in their (my sons') lives otherwise.  Or, more accurately, I'd try to gently question so that my sons could look at this themselves.  It sounds as though your daughter thinks she needs something from these two girls, and I'd start by helping her identify that.  Then, hopefully, help her move on to healthy ways of meeting it.

[One_Girl]

I haven't found a quick fix, but my dd and I talk a lot about what good friendships should look like and she has in the long term stopped hanging out with kids who were mean to her for a long time.  She has also gone back to hanging out with some kids who are nasty to her lately though because she has switched schools and those are the kids who tend to let others into their social circle when they are new.  They are mean one day and nice the next and it is really hard to watch her going back to that negative cycle of friendship again.  I am going back to square one with the talks about friendship, reminding her how she felt once she stopped playing with the girl who was mean to her last year, and focusing on spending a lot of positive time with her to reinforce her importance.    Hopefully it takes less time than it did last year.  I also encourage ask her what she did to deal with the situation when she talks to me about being bullied and I encourage her to keep up with the solutions she finds but to also remember her teacher is there for her if it gets out of hand and I will go to the teacher if she wants me to.  I really hope it takes less time for her to find a different group of friends this time around. 

That probably isn't what you are looking for as a solution and it isn't much of one.  I really don't know that there are easy solutions to girl bullying though because the girls are so good about keeping it from the teacher and looking like the sweet kid on the outside.  It is hard to see your child try so hard only to have their heart broken every other day by a child who is lacking in morals and social skills.

[augustmom]

Thanks. Yes, I hear you. It does just break my heart to see her sad, or anxious. I actually enjoy having these heart to heats with her and the good thing is is that she's willing to talk about it. I try, however, not to make this the central focus of her school life by NOT talking too much about it. She's a good kid, not saying perfect, but it just bothers me to have her spirit broken because of mean girls. In my opinion, she's too young for this BS, but I remember it well at this age, except I remember it only with 1 or 2 girls, not as much as I hear/see these days.

[lunagirl704]

Hi, my 7 year old dd is in a similiar situation...she complains daily of girls excluding her from recess play, not sitting next to her etc. I tell her daily that she does not have to be friends with everyone, and if certain girls are mean,  play with the ones that are not. The 2nd grade girls are very cliquey though- as are the moms- and this is part of the problem. There is no answer....

[augustmom]

I agree--the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I think a large part of the problem, at least the negative behavior is a result of what's going on at home. Do mom and dad fight, call eachother names, pick on others in front of the kids? It rubs off. The opposite is influential, too. DO mom and dad respect one another, etc etc? 

When ever I say "find the nice friends to play with," I think I'm over simplifying the real issue, which I'm trying to figure out how to resolve. 

[lunagirl704]

Well, that's what my dh chalks it up to -their home life...but the majority of the girls act this way. The moms are nice enough, helicopter moms imo.  I know dd  can exaggerate a bit, but I have seen one girl act this way on numerous occasions- and they are in the same class, Brownie troop and afterschool program together...it's like my dd can't stay away from her.  My dd is outgoing and nurturing and gets along easily with others, so I'm not quite sure if she is the only 'target,' and if so, why?

[augustmom]

I think the nice girls are the target because they won't put up a fight as much as a more boisterous child would. I'm trying to bring out dd's inner dragon (in the nice sense) but she's mellow, so I have my work cut out for me. I also agree with you, lunagirl about the dynamics at home. 

[GoBecGo]

My DD is much younger (6 in April) so this might not help but...

She's having trouble with a girl who FORCES her (and others) to play. She will hold DD's arm to stop her leaving and cry and shout if DD doesn't want to play.  If DD does play with her she is very controlling, only plys one game, always gets the "star" role etc.

DD is fairly boisterous at home but is finding it so hard to deal with this girl and i've been in talking with the headteacher etc.  Stuff is being done but this sort of problem (which needs a fairly big behaviour change/learning process on the part of the little girl who's a problem) takes time.  Meantime i've been helping DD with what to say, how to say it.  Something that helped recently is the colour purple - we'd been talking about how purple is the colour of power (royalty originally of course, and then general wealth in our class system (i'm in the UK) later) and how OH always gets the job if he wears his purple shirt to interview, and today she asked about it again and i sent her in with purple socks pants and vest on.  She said she was a superhero under her clothes and i could tell her inner tigress was roaring.

Maybe something like that would help your DD "rise above"?