Random thoughts about toys « Back to Group Discussions

[SaguaroMoon]

As a first-time mama, there are a lot of new frontiers for me. I've been thinking primarily about necessities (diapers, carseat, etc.), and that's what I put on our baby registry. Recently, my MIL asked, "What about toys?" We assured her that newborns don't really need toys right away (she knows that, she's just SO excited about being a grandma - she's adorable about it! ), and we'd prefer more practical things for now. However, this got me thinking about toys.

As a social worker, having spent a lot of time with children and observing & thinking about how they play, I have a lot of thoughts about children & toys, but have a hard time articulating them, so I wrote some of them down. I figured, why not share my random ramblings here?

Toys for our child

I want our child's childhood to be filled with beauty, magic, and inspiration, and for them to have toys that inspire these mindsets. I don't want to surround her with cheap plastic junk, created solely for the aim of ensuring that she will grow up to be a good little consumer of Disney products or other such items. I want to surround him with toys that will enrich his imagination, open up worlds of wonder, and allow him to grow freely. I want her to be inspired to pretend to be a doctor, dragon, firefighter, firefly, the sun, or the wind. I don't want dolls or figures for our child that encourage him to act out a pre-determined character on a television show; I want dolls or figures that encourage him to act out whatever story might have formed in his own his mind in that moment. I want our child to have toys that will help her physically grow, develop fine & gross motor skills, that will help her test and challenge the ever-changing strengths and limitations of her own body. I want toys for our child that will not entertain him, but will assist him in learning the myriad of ways that he can entertain himself.

This is why there are certain limitations that I would like to set on toys for our child. I would like to avoid any toys that are licensed characters, or have licensed characters on them. I would like, for now, to avoid any battery operated or electronic toys (this may change as our child gets older). Whenever possible, I would like our child's toys to be made out of natural materials, wood, silk, cotton & wool, so that we can talk about where in nature these toys came from, and who we have to thank for them.

It is true that some of these toys may be more somewhat more expensive than what one would find in Toys R Us. However, I do not believe that a child needs an overwhelming amount of toys. If you give a child toys that she can only play with in one way, she will tire of them quickly; if you give a child a toy that has a plethora of uses, she will cherish and enjoy it for years. I would rather our child receive one or two really special toys for his birthday or other holidays that he will find increasing enjoyment in and uses for, rather than ten flashy toys that will initially be enthusiastically consumed, but will lose their appeal in two weeks. I want to emphasize the quality of things over the quantity of them.

[JynxGirl]

Check out http://chinaberry.com/

I am in lust with the toys on this site/catalog, and only wish I could win the lottery so I could buy them. :P 

[SaguaroMoon]

Jynx -  those are lovely! I also like http://www.bellalunatoys.com/ .

I agree that these toys seem expensive, but I figure that if I decide on a certain budget per year for toys (any ideas on what might be realistic for this, anyone?), I probably will feel better about buying just a few toys per year for our child from one of these kinds of places, rather than buying a dozen or more toys of lesser quality. I have a feeling that the grandmas & grandpas might be willing to spring for some of the bigger, once a year type toys (rocking horses, bikes, play palaces, etc.)

[casmer]

I am horrified at the stuff my MIL buys for her other children.  It's always plastic, junky and noisy.  I have a feeling I'm either going to be the weirdo DIL or the mean 'ol Mommy that gets rid of the crappy stuff.  I really hope that when she asks for Christmas lists, that she'll honor our wishes...it does cause a lot of anxiety for me though :(

Thanks for the links Jynx and SaguaroMoon.  I really liked your "random thoughts" on toys, saguaro.  Maybe I should come up with something like that and post it on our blog for the family to read.  I just don't want to cause any tension.

[poppyseed2012]

Those links are great! We totally agree about wanting to fill our son's life with things that stimulate imagination and creative thinking.

At a second-hand store recently, we came across a full set of Lincoln Logs from the 1970s. I've never seen my husband so excited! These are the kinds of toys we dig.

[cristeen]

When I was pg with DS1 I went to Rosie Hippos and Nova Naturals and requested their paper catalogs be sent to the grandparents (1 set doesn't have a computer).  For all the good it did me. 

I did have a discussion with 1 set of grandparents about MIC and character stuff.  It wasn't a big deal with them, since they do a lot of handmade stuff.  For my parents, mostly I just direct traffic, make wish lists, that sort of thing.  They're really good with getting more open-ended/intelligence stimulating stuff.  The 3rd set of grandparents and the great-grandma though, I just bite my tongue and phase the stuff out as quickly as I can.  We get a fair bit of Wal-Mart or QVC stuff.  Some of it DS likes, and some of it just gets shuffled to the side.  What I do try to do is before the major gift-giving times (birthday, Xmas), a couple months before hand I'll send an email to the grandparents and godparents with details which include what size clothes/shoes he is now wearing, what size clothes/shoes he should be in by the time the holiday comes around, what things we may still need in that size or the next size, his particular interests at that moment, and anything that I would like to (generally) suggest he might enjoy.  Then I'll get more specific one-on-one so I don't wind up with 3 of the same thing.  His godmother buys mostly what I tell her to buy (toys-wise).  She'll call and ask, I'll tell her what he needs, and she goes shopping.  My parents (like I said) take direction pretty well, and also like to browse toy stores as they travel, looking for more unusual intelligence stimulating stuff.  The 1 set of grandparents always make sure that we have the clothes/shoes we need, and then will add a few simple toys in - legos, something more "off the wall" but useful, or often something hand-made.  The last set of grandparents goes to WalMart. 

The thing is, I'm not going to argue, I'm not going to deny them, and there have been times when DS loves the WalMart toy (like his big Tonka truck).  The rest of the time the toy is put away until I can give it away, and nobody's the wiser. 

As for right now, for toys, don't just think about the NB period.  Think about the entire first year, either up until Xmas or up until the 1st bday.  Because those are the next times you'll be getting gifts for this LO.  So anything that you may want/need between now and then, add to your wish list.  Like I said in the shopping thread, for me one of the things I would highly suggest adding to your list is board books.  They're pricey and you want a LOT of them.  And you'll usually start using them before the 1st bday (I think we started around 10 mos). 

I would really avoid asking for stuffed animals of any sort.  You will get plenty of them.  I just gave away a 20 gallon rubbermaid tub full of stuffies, and I have at least that many still in the bedroom.  And gifts haven't even started for this LO. 

[Onemoreontheway]

Sag - I think it all sounds reasonable. I remember that it use to be my ideal, and to tell the truth it is still my ideal.

I say this as I have a room full of stuffed animals, wood blocks, barbie dolls and accessories, vinyl baby dolls, my little ponies, little People, and the like. LOL

I am all about thrift store toys and we have not lacked for anything in that department.

[alittlesandy]

Originally Posted by Onemoreontheway 

Sag - I think it all sounds reasonable. I remember that it use to be my ideal, and to tell the truth it is still my ideal.

I say this as I have a room full of stuffed animals, wood blocks, barbie dolls and accessories, vinyl baby dolls, my little ponies, little People, and the like. LOL

I am all about thrift store toys and we have not lacked for anything in that department.

Lol, Onemoreontheway, I'm in the same boat. That was my ideal, but I found that when my son opened what I thought was a "junky" gift and his face lit up and he was overjoyed playing with it, my perspective shifted slightly. He now has a mix of lovely wooden and homemade toys, organic cotton animals, and wooden blocks, but also Legos, Fisher Price little People, some Leap Frog battery-operated toys, and a collection of various cars and trucks, some nice, some junky plastic. We also banned all characters until about three months ago when he became obsessed with Toy Story and then I caved because my boy was in love, lol. He now takes his Buzz and Woody to bed with him and plays with them lovingly all the time. I do think it's possible to strike a balance, and I also think it's much easier to keep things in check during the newborn phase, before they are old enough to develop an opinion.

[Masel]

Toy Story is awesome precisely because Andy models imaginative play with his toys. I cry at the end TS III every single time I see it. 

There was one toy I was dead set against. My mother even introduced the idea to me by saying 'You are going to hate this." It was poorly made, had characters my DD wasn't ready for and was an object I did not want my DD to see as a toy. Our agreement was that if she insisted on giving it to my daughter the toy would stay at my mother's house. There it remains even though it broke approximately 2.5 seconds after it was opened.

Edited by Masel - 2/14/12 at 10:35am

[SaguaroMoon]

Thanks for the great responses everyone!

Casmer - I know what you mean, I worry about coming across as "the mom who only lets her kid have boring toys", lol (and I am definitely already the weirdo DIL). One thing I have realized is that a lot of what I hope for regarding toys is the same as what is recognized as positive in the Waldorf method of education (not that I'm 100% on board with that method, but I do agree with a lot of it). Maybe explaining it to people from that perspective could be useful. Where DH & I are from (NYC & NJ), Waldorf schools are really respected and prestigious, so explaining it this way could help people respect our choices more.

Poppyseed - I bet secondhand stores are great for a lot of the more traditional toys; DH and I have gotten some great board games from thrift shops! I love Lincoln Logs, too!

Cristeen - thanks so much for the paper catalog idea; neither DH's parents nor mine are very comfortable buying stuff online, so this could really help! I'm sure there's no way to avoid the fact that some people just go to Walmart for everything, and hey, nothing wrong with the occasional plastic toy or blinky beepy thing, as long as it's not the majority of toys my child has. We're pretty lucky with immediate in-laws; my mom was an elementary, and later nursery school, teacher for over 30 years, so she knows what toys stimulate imagination and intelligence, and is pretty much on board with that, and DH's parents are open to suggestions as well. I'm sure as our child grows older, they'll get junky stuff as birthday gifts from others though, so I figure our method will be to keep what are child truly enjoys, and phase our what they don't.

OneMore & Sandy - LOL, the reality never quite matches to the ideal in any part of life, does it? I'm sure I'll end up with some of that stuff too (although certain things I might absolutely put my foot down with, no matter how much my child begs - those little girl dolls dressed like prostitutes would be one example).

However, I do really want to nurture mindfulness in my child, so if they decide that they are "in love" with a character toy, rather than just saying "no", or running out and getting for them, I'd like to talk to them about WHY they love it so much. I read a great post on another board from a mama whose 6 year old daughter decided she HAD to have a Hannah Montana backpack. Rather than saying "no, we don't buy that stuff", or immediately giving in and buying it, the mother had a thoughtful discussion with her child about what she liked so much about it. It turned out that her daughter really liked the "rock-star" style, so the mother explored a variety of rock-star style backpacks with her daughter, Hannah Montana included. Ultimately, her daughter picked out a black backpack with a sequined electric guitar on it, loved it, and was thrilled she had something that no one else had!

I hope that my child will grow to learn how marketing influences our choices, and to learn to think "Do I REALLY want this particular character or brand, or do I just want what it represents?" That being said, I'm also in favor of giving children a (small) allowance at a very young age, to help them understand money and savings. They will be allowed to spend it on whatever they want, so I'm sure we'll end up with some junk as a result of impulse buys!

[Onemoreontheway]

Oh please don't think I was giving you a "uh huh, you'll see" type response. Yeah, you'll probably wind up with plastic toys your kid loves at some point- but I don't think you're unreasonable or starry eyed about it at all. :) You can totally keep natural toys the main focus and keep unnatural toys to a minimum.

I've totally fed into certain parts of my girls toy selection. They would have no idea what difference a Care bear vs a regular teddy bear was if I hadn't shared with them all my fave carebear cartoons! lol

We have had the discussion on marketing and commercialization sooo much that if the girls are at Grandma's and see a toy commercial on regular tv (we don't have regular tv. DVD's, VCR tapes and Netflix online through the winter) they say "Oh they're just trying to get our money!" or "It probably doesn't work like that in real life..."

etc.

I have to show them how to play Barbies (modeling real life..family etc). It just isn't any of their 'thing'. I still collect the outfits and accessories when I find them at thrift stores cause maybe if they don't ever catch the Barbie love- future grandkids will :)

Barbie was great at teaching my SN daughter social interactions and modeling them, so our brief time playing has served its purpose.

Mostly I think any parent who is aware of what they surround their kids with (commercials, toys and the like) will have kids that learn to use their imagination regardless of  what material the toys are made out of.

I think incorporating your religious beliefs in your toy selection is also admirable and shows awareness.

So to sum up - I agree with you...I just don't live like that now that the kids are older and couldn't afford to when they were younger. The principles you hope to teach and the principles I taught sound pretty much the same though :) 

Originally Posted by SaguaroMoon 

Thanks for the great responses everyone!

Casmer - I know what you mean, I worry about coming across as "the mom who only lets her kid have boring toys", lol (and I am definitely already the weirdo DIL). One thing I have realized is that a lot of what I hope for regarding toys is the same as what is recognized as positive in the Waldorf method of education (not that I'm 100% on board with that method, but I do agree with a lot of it). Maybe explaining it to people from that perspective could be useful. Where DH & I are from (NYC & NJ), Waldorf schools are really respected and prestigious, so explaining it this way could help people respect our choices more.

Poppyseed - I bet secondhand stores are great for a lot of the more traditional toys; DH and I have gotten some great board games from thrift shops! I love Lincoln Logs, too!

Cristeen - thanks so much for the paper catalog idea; neither DH's parents nor mine are very comfortable buying stuff online, so this could really help! I'm sure there's no way to avoid the fact that some people just go to Walmart for everything, and hey, nothing wrong with the occasional plastic toy or blinky beepy thing, as long as it's not the majority of toys my child has. We're pretty lucky with immediate in-laws; my mom was an elementary, and later nursery school, teacher for over 30 years, so she knows what toys stimulate imagination and intelligence, and is pretty much on board with that, and DH's parents are open to suggestions as well. I'm sure as our child grows older, they'll get junky stuff as birthday gifts from others though, so I figure our method will be to keep what are child truly enjoys, and phase our what they don't.

OneMore & Sandy - LOL, the reality never quite matches to the ideal in any part of life, does it? I'm sure I'll end up with some of that stuff too (although certain things I might absolutely put my foot down with, no matter how much my child begs - those little girl dolls dressed like prostitutes would be one example).

However, I do really want to nurture mindfulness in my child, so if they decide that they are "in love" with a character toy, rather than just saying "no", or running out and getting for them, I'd like to talk to them about WHY they love it so much. I read a great post on another board from a mama whose 6 year old daughter decided she HAD to have a Hannah Montana backpack. Rather than saying "no, we don't buy that stuff", or immediately giving in and buying it, the mother had a thoughtful discussion with her child about what she liked so much about it. It turned out that her daughter really liked the "rock-star" style, so the mother explored a variety of rock-star style backpacks with her daughter, Hannah Montana included. Ultimately, her daughter picked out a black backpack with a sequined electric guitar on it, loved it, and was thrilled she had something that no one else had!

I hope that my child will grow to learn how marketing influences our choices, and to learn to think "Do I REALLY want this particular character or brand, or do I just want what it represents?" That being said, I'm also in favor of giving children a (small) allowance at a very young age, to help them understand money and savings. They will be allowed to spend it on whatever they want, so I'm sure we'll end up with some junk as a result of impulse buys!

[SaguaroMoon]

I totally understand what you're saying - it sounds like we have very similar ideals around this topic. I was just reflecting on how many huge ideals I have in life, and how they never quite measure up to what actually happens.  It's always worth trying, though!

I love how you've raised your children to be so mindful of commercials - I totally hope that I can help my child become that aware! If you're not already familiar with it, you should check out Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org/) - they have some great articles on these topics.
 

Originally Posted by Onemoreontheway 

Oh please don't think I was giving you a "uh huh, you'll see" type response. Yeah, you'll probably wind up with plastic toys your kid loves at some point- but I don't think you're unreasonable or starry eyed about it at all. :) You can totally keep natural toys the main focus and keep unnatural toys to a minimum.

I've totally fed into certain parts of my girls toy selection. They would have no idea what difference a Care bear vs a regular teddy bear was if I hadn't shared with them all my fave carebear cartoons! lol

We have had the discussion on marketing and commercialization sooo much that if the girls are at Grandma's and see a toy commercial on regular tv (we don't have regular tv. DVD's, VCR tapes and Netflix online through the winter) they say "Oh they're just trying to get our money!" or "It probably doesn't work like that in real life..."

etc.

I have to show them how to play Barbies (modeling real life..family etc). It just isn't any of their 'thing'. I still collect the outfits and accessories when I find them at thrift stores cause maybe if they don't ever catch the Barbie love- future grandkids will :)

Barbie was great at teaching my SN daughter social interactions and modeling them, so our brief time playing has served its purpose.

Mostly I think any parent who is aware of what they surround their kids with (commercials, toys and the like) will have kids that learn to use their imagination regardless of  what material the toys are made out of.

I think incorporating your religious beliefs in your toy selection is also admirable and shows awareness.

So to sum up - I agree with you...I just don't live like that now that the kids are older and couldn't afford to when they were younger. The principles you hope to teach and the principles I taught sound pretty much the same though :) 

[forestmushroom]

Honestly, you can tell people "no characters, nothing with batteries, no plastic" and they will still buy it for your child.  That's just what happens.... It is easy when they are little to make things disappear and donate them to goodwill, etc. Often I will return stuff to target, etc.

Be grateful that people give you child stuff, and it really is the thought that counts, but also, you can intentionally choose what come in your house and what doesn't.  It's alright for the grandparent to play with the child and then have the thing disappear... or if grandma really wants something she can keep it at her house for when LO visits. 

For what it is worth, my kids are not allowed to wear any "character" clothing to school, so that is super easy-- since I can blame it on the school.  And batteries... are gross for the environment and expensive!  So that is another excuse (I am cheap ;)

But really, it isn't hard to stick to your guns. It is your house, your child.  You get to decide what lives with you. And trust me, you'll spend a lot of time picking the toys up, so if you hate them... they won't last long! 

I've also found that other people, while well meaning, think that children, especially little ones, need waaaaay more stuff then they actually do.  My 2 year-old fits all of his favorite toys in a single box that is about a foot square.  We have a wooden train set, and outdoor toys for him, too... but the wooden train set is something all the kids play with, and the outdoor toys are love-me-downs.  That is all he has collected for toys thought 2 years.... but I have given *a lot* of stuff away.... and he is my 4th!  It is waaay worse with a 1st.  So feel free to donate, donate, donate.... or direct people to gift memberships/experiences.... such as membership to the zoo, children's museum, etc. 

[MLog]

I'm hoping to keep the toys to a minimum.  Especially ones that make noise.  I'm planning to have a no battery operated toys rule.  We also have a no stuffed animals policy but that is because my grandparents were avid collectors of teddy bears (300+) and I inherited most of them.  So our LO has a built in supply of stuffies!  Plus all our friends with kids have told us over and over how little they really need.  Cardboard boxes seem to be the biggest hit of all with kids of all ages.  And I plan on lots of fort building in our house!

When I was growing up for some reason my mom was totally against me having a cabbage patch kid.  My grandmother tried to get me one and my mom made her return it.  I remember being only a little bothered by this.  I would just play with my best friend's cabbage patch kid when I was at her house.  I'm not sure what the rationale against just cabbage patch kids was but I turned out okay and don't feel resentful.  I also wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons,90210, or other crap tv.  I was very good at pretending I did watch these show while at school so that I would fit in, but honestly, I didn't really care.

Now we have a tv but no hook up to cable and the one or two channels we do get go out when a car drives by so we watch things only on netflix.  It's so funny when someone asks, "Have you seen that commercial...?" and DH and I have no clue what they're talking about.  We love our commercial free life!

Those are my random thoughts.

[MLog]

Oh, I remember I wanted to share one more thing.

Several years ago, at Christmas time our priest told a story that really stuck with me.  The gist of it was this:

There was a family with both Jewish & Christian relatives and every holiday season they were inundated with toys.  The mom finally got overwhelmed and started a new tradition.  She talked to the kids about how many other children there are in need, that don't have things to play with etc.  She explained that while it was so generous of others to get them these wonderful gifts they had had an entire year to play with them and it would be even more generous of them to pass their gifts on.  So every year the kids were allowed to pick one toy to keep and the rest were donated to various organizations.

I would love to implement something like this in our household.  I would also love to throw out most of everything DH and I have.  Give me the simple life!