I am certainly depressed, but I'm not sure if it is postpartum depression.
My daughter is 5 months old. Easy, unassisted birth, no birth trauma. We had a heck of a time with breastfeeding in the beginning, with a terrible case of thrush, and latching problems. We never had to supplement, I just suffered through great pain for two months, and we are fine now. She is healthy, happy and the only true joy in my life.
The only really "PPD" thing that I seem to be suffering from is intrusive thoughts. They are very much in high gear, all the time. They started immediately after my son's death and continued through the pregnancy with my daughter and are now in full swing. Not thoughts of intentionally harming her, but this cold fear because I am always thinking of ways she could be accidentally hurt or killed.
My oldest, who is 5, has severe mental problems. It is very hard to convince a doctor of this, because he is advanced in all areas and he is very manipulative. He has Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD and I suspect childhood depression. We have been doing Feingold (diet) for two months, and that has nearly eliminated all symptoms of his ADHD. With the ADHD gone, the ODD really shines. He is violent and mean. Every second of every day with this child is hard. He is a miserable child, never happy. He tells me horrible things, and he speaks daily of killing me, telling me how he is going to do it.
I am very consistent with appropriate discipline, to the point of sheer nervous breakdown every day. Being consistent is exhausting, especially when nothing ever works.
I am trying very hard to get help for my son, but our insurance company is fighting me every step of the way.
I recently discovered that my husband has been hiding a huge tax debt from me. It is at $20k right now and growing. (He didn't file his taxes from 2002-present, and the 20k is just from 2002-04.) He has known about this for months, and in trying to hide it from me he has made ignorant mistakes that have cost us even more money. It will be months before we know the full amount that we owe the IRS, and this means that instead of moving to a house with a yard in May as we have been planning, we are going to have to move to an older two bedroom apartment, because it is all we can afford.
I live hours from friends and family. My marriage is not one filled with love and laughter. My husband doesn't talk much, and he routinely hides the details of our finances from me. He isn't someone I can talk to, much. He cares for me, and he sees what is happening to me and he has been encouraging me to get help, but we are both scared that if I get meds it will affect our daughter negatively in some way.
I have a lot of unresolved grief from my son's death, and I have anxiety issues that I suspect stems primarily from that.
I have a hard time going places with my oldest son without having embarrassing panic attacks. The park, play groups, stores... its all very hard because of his behavior. He talks very hatefully to me in all situations - we never have a normal conversation - and he is aggressive with other children.
I wake up every day with a feeling of dread. I have no energy, I am annoyed all the time. I am pulling away from friends and family, and I can't find the energy to form new friendships with people I meet locally. I get nauseous every night as it is time to go to bed, because I know I have to wake up the next day and suffer through another day in this life. I never look forward to anything, ever.
I am so sad for my daughter, because I feel like she is being short changed by my depression. She is such a wonderful child, she is easy going and loving and funny. I do enjoy her, but sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions and operating in a fog. She deserves better than that.
I feel like I am going to implode most days. I can't do therapy, because I don't have anyone to keep my children. My husband works 70 hours a week, no joke, and there just isn't time. No one will ever watch my son more than once, he is just too bad.
I was on Prozac for a short time after my son died and before I conceived my daughter, and I responded well to it. I just don't know if I should get on something again, or not.
Please, please don't feel like I am judging anyone here that takes meds. I understand, I really do. I know I need them. But I wonder sometimes if taking meds is just going to cause me MORE anxiety because I will be worried about passing it on to my daughter. All of the commercials about the lawsuits for anti-depressants, causing birth defects and such... those really get to me. And I hear them on the radio and tv daily.
Can those of you who have decided to take meds tell me how you came to terms with it while breastfeeding?
I would love to hear any advice or personal experiences anyone has to share.
When I spend every day working so hard to make sure my family eats real, healthy food (Nourishing Traditions/ GAPs/Feingold) it is hard to come to terms with needing a man made chemical to survive my life.