Perfectionism and Anxiety

[3xMama]

DD (just shy of six) can be a pretty intense individual. She's very concerned about getting right. If she can't do it in one, at most two, tries, she gives up. Its been months that she's been trying to learn how to tie her shoes. She will start to practice, decide she can't do it and doesn't want to practice and then immediately stop. No matter how relaxed I am with her about it, even just suggesting that she keep trying will be met with immediate dismissal and you can practically see her anxiety level rising. 

Its not just shoe tying, its everything. Especially school work where she is being challenged and encouraged to do more, try harder, learn this new thing. She isn't struggling, necessarily, she's on track for her age, but she isn't a prodigy, either. Just a pretty normal kid. Except she hates to try.

If she reads at home at all, she will read a page, hit a word she has a hard time with and give up. She doesn't ask for help, she just quits. If we catch it and offer help, she will struggle through it but decline our help for the next word she gets hung up on. I've seen her read one page over and over because she knew it, she didn't know what was on the next page. She declined our (DH and I) help. Suggesting anything more will lead to her getting upset and neither DH nor I want to push her. It just makes her more and more upset and hate reading.

It is essentially the same story with math and writing. Or anything she's learning.

If she gets into trouble for something (like taking a toy from her little brother), she will often get very upset over it. She has a hard time calming down and when I ask her what has her so upset, its often something from much earlier in the day and it often changes. Today, first it was that her friends at school weren't being nice to her. Then it was that she was mad at herself for messing up during writing workshop, which was at 8am. It was after four pm when this occurred. Now I don't know what it is that's really bothering her, how much of various things is bothering her or how to help her.

What can I do to help her relax and realize its ok to mess up and not be perfect? We've talked many times about it and it doesn't seem to make a difference. And how can I help her to learn to let go of things? I'm worried for her, DH and I both held onto emotions and it was a long and rather painful journey learning to let go. I'd have rather my parents taught me to relax as a child than to fight off depression and feelings of inadequacy throughout my teen and young adult life. I *know* some things in our parenting need to change for this to happen (less yelling, more guidance, pay more attention to what is correct as opposed to what is wrong).

I have read How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk and the techniques did not seem to work. Maybe she was to young and will respond better since she's over a year older now? 

[meemee]

honestly now that i am a mother of a 9 year old i would say maturity - growing older has a huge part to play in this. 

i can relate to you on this. what i have found is that dd demands on her terms. AND i have discovered its something about her being ready for it and she knowing it. sometimes i have to let it go coz i cant figure out how to help her. like the shoe tying. finally a friend of mine figured out a way that made it easier for dd. her dad and i tried but she was very frustrated with it.

with something else i left it alone. and she figured it out.

with reading. dd is a whole language learner. she is not into phonetics at all. she did phonetics at school and was on par in reading but would take pot shots at the word rather than trying to sound it out. so i got her a phonetics program which she enjoyed doing and it filled holes from school and suddenly her reading took off.

she is still a frustrated little girl. wont try it if she thinks she wont get it. 

with school stuff i have found videos on youtube and other online resources to help her. with her i found if that stuff is presented in many different styles she picks it up super fast. 

with a lot of other things - like opening ziplock bags, certain bottle lids, etc i just had to let her be.

however what i did was vocalise my own process. without pointing it out to her. so she would understand that i find life hard too and some things that look easy actually arent for me. 

by 3rd grade dd had much more patience to give it a second go. 

for relaxation i taught my dd to focus completely on one thing. for isntance we'd both eat say an orange and we'd just sit and savour the fruit. just close our eyes and see what comes up for us. we'd go sit in teh backyard and close our eyes and listen to what is out there. 

and then we started meditation. doesnt mean the problem goes away. but it does ultimately help with her anxiety. however anxiety is also an age thing. dd was far more concerned at a younger age than older. its like magic.