New Here :) I feel like a failure. C-sec. Longish

[JaydensMummy]

Okay long story short.

Not only am i being honest with everyone here, for the first time truely writting how i feel about the birth of my son.

Im 18 years young in April. Engaged to my partner of 3 years. Have a 14 month old who was born in December 2010 When i was 16. At 37 weeks pregnant my OB told me that i was in labour. 39 weeks 1 day after 2 weeks i had a c-section. Gave birth to a 7lbs 8oz, 20 inch baby boy.

My OB told me i would need a c-section since my son way no way near engaged at 38 weeks, still high in my ribs. The hospital at my next appointment told me i was fine since baby was fine and said they'd see me at 40 weeks. I booked a c-section that day for 4 days later. I panic and trusted my OB who had kn own me for a long time before i was pregnant. He was also my normal everyday doctor for years. After i booked the c-sec i went for a u/s to check out everything before the day. The u/s tech told me she believe there was no way that baby would fit.

Here i am 14 months later, I hate it. I hate they i didnt wait and give it more time. Maybe my son would have engaged. Now i was told i would never have a vaginal birth (where i live and the hospital i go to doesnt do VBACS) yes i know go to a different hospital with my next but for me thats no an option.

II had nothing special about my birth. Simple c-sec, No special music or stuff like that. In and out, sliced and diced.

I get really depressed about it. I have no special labour story or excitement about it! i knew the date of his birth. i knew how it would go and what would happen.

I hate hearing YOU HAVE A HEALTHY BABY ! you should be happy!

No im allowed to be upset and i want someone to tell me im not the only one!

[snugglebug14]

You certainly aren't the only one mama! And personally, I hate the line "just be happy you have a healthy baby" it's like of course I'm happy I have a healthy baby! who wouldn't be?? But that's not the point. You, as the mother, get lost in the story when that's all people focus on. And yes, I get their point. And yes, I understand they are only trying to be helpful and supportive when they don't actually know what to say (however misguided their attempts may be). But you have every right to go through every range of emotions. For me, I've gone through every possible emotion imaginable since my c-section. I still have tough feelings that creep up over time, but I can honestly say that 7 years later, I feel that I have healed much of that pain. Allow yourself to be present with your process. Find people to talk to who can understand, in real life or here. Honor your true feelings and your experience. And know that as hopeless as it feels, if you open yourself to the opportunity you CAN have a different experience next time around, if you choose to have more kids. 

Hugs to you mama. 

[ilovetchotchkes]

The line "just be happy you have a healthy baby" is BS of COURSE you are happy you have a healthy baby, you'd have to be daft not to, however, having major surgery and feeling you were duped by somebody you trusted, that's HORRIBLE. Do not feel like a failure hon, of course a lot of us trust doctors because you know... they do it more than we do. I personally don't trust Dr's with the exception of a handful that I know personally as family friends because I know they'd be looking out for me specifically as a person. But, they're all family practice and don't deliver babies! LOL! 

My advice for baby #2 if you're even planning on a 2nd, is hire a doula, a VERY experienced one if you don't feel comfortable with homebirth (some people feel comfortable with an HBAC, I know someone who had a successful one and she felt it healed her, I personally would not be comfortable with one if that were my situation, but different strokes...) anyways, find a doula who is VERY experienced, and labor at home for as LONG as humanly possible. Most hospitals even if they have a VBAC ban if you show up pushing, won't section you. 

Another option, is to contact ICAN, they can help you with resources, and above all, you can go to meetings and express your grief and grapple with it so that when/if you have another baby, you'll be all prepared to stand up for yourself if a VBAC is what you desire. 

[JaydensMummy]

Thanks mamas! I still feel crap about it love knowing its "Normal" Im planning on the next baby not goin to hospital till im ready to push, They cant tell me to stop ;)

[katelove]

Another person who hates the "healthy mother, healthy baby" line. It is more than reasonable to grieve for the loss of the birth experience for both you and your baby. My LO is 20 months old and I am still not ok with the way she was born. I doubt I ever will be.

[McGucks]

I would encourage you to find a doula or some support for your next birth, particularly if you are certain you will have a c/s.  If a doula or midwife is not affordable, even a close friend or trusted family member's presence could be of tremendous benefit.

There are good "model c/s birth plans" you could look at, even one on this forum (I think).

Birth can be pretty unpredictable, but if you can make some birth plans, you might feel better about the experience next time around.

Women's feelings and experiences regarding c/s are as varied as anything else.  Some women truly don't care and some women are completely devastated.  Your experience and feelings are valid and are your own.

If this issue is really eating you up, you may want to see a counselor for some help processing it all.  Personally, I'd sure want a female counselor who'd had a c/s, though!

Good luck.

[Partaria]

I'm glad you are posting here. And I'm so sorry you are struggling with your experience. I know that game. 

I love what the others have already said to you here. Also, I would say, as a gentle suggestion, when you are ready, try to move yourself away from the what-if thoughts. They are helpful up to a point, because you can explore what you might try differently next time. But at some point, I do think they turn totally toxic.

I have those thoughts still, too. We had an unplanned c, and I still think, 'What if I had just gone to one more yoga class before my birth? What if I had done just a few more lunges? What if I had waited just one more hour?' 

These thoughts were helpful to me while I was trying to fully understand what led us to the c-section, and while I was exploring my rage and disappointment. But after I got the whole picture and really felt like I understood the whole progression, these thoughts were less helpful to me. Over time, they began to simply eat away at me.

Please don't misunderstand, I don't mean to tell you to deny your experience. I will never be fully happy with my birth, and I will never feel okay about the way I was treated at the hospital. There will always be some anger and sadness. But I also believe that I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. And while I hope for a different birth the next time (if there is one), I also know that I can't undo what was done. 

It sounds like you also did the very best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. Feel the anger, feel the sadness. They are real, and have nothing to do with your joy over a healthy baby (which, as we know is NOT all that matters). But also be easy on yourself. You did the best you could in a less than ideal situation, mama.

[fayebond]

*HUGS*  

'

You didn't fail.  And if you are pregnant ever again, go with your gut.  You might be able to even find a home birth caregiver in your area who you can afford, it suprising what is possible.  Be open to learning alot between now and then, its amazing how very little I knew before (and how much I still don't know!).  

Also, I HATE the healthymomhealthybaby line.  If we're both so healthy why is everyone at the hospital worried now that I'm pregnant again?  Like duh, you weren't worried last time, what's different if I'm really so perfectly healthy?  Its totally hypocritical of them to be all in favor of a CS and that its fine before they cut me, and now that the cutting is over they turn around and go, you want your body to function nromally?  What outrageous expectations!  Pick a side guys, either we're really healthy and fine or we aren't.  And if we aren't , its because of something you guys did, so why in blazes would I go back to you for more of the same?  

And if you have a RCS, you still didn't fail.  For some that's just how they need to get 'em.  There is nothing easy or simple about having children...
 

[blessedwithboys]

(((You are not alone.)))

Are you in the UK?  My understanding is that the NHS is quite favorable toward homebirth.  Might that be an option for you next time?

[ilovetchotchkes]

Originally Posted by fayebond 

*HUGS*  

'

You didn't fail.  And if you are pregnant ever again, go with your gut.  You might be able to even find a home birth caregiver in your area who you can afford, it suprising what is possible.  Be open to learning alot between now and then, its amazing how very little I knew before (and how much I still don't know!).  

Also, I HATE the healthymomhealthybaby line.  If we're both so healthy why is everyone at the hospital worried now that I'm pregnant again?  Like duh, you weren't worried last time, what's different if I'm really so perfectly healthy?  Its totally hypocritical of them to be all in favor of a CS and that its fine before they cut me, and now that the cutting is over they turn around and go, you want your body to function nromally?  What outrageous expectations!  Pick a side guys, either we're really healthy and fine or we aren't.  And if we aren't , its because of something you guys did, so why in blazes would I go back to you for more of the same?  

And if you have a RCS, you still didn't fail.  For some that's just how they need to get 'em.  There is nothing easy or simple about having children...
 

Moreover, the only way i can see birth as  pass/fail is : Pass=you end up with a baby regardless of exit method. Fail: You end up with a clutch of lizards or a litter of kittens. :) 

[fayebond]

Originally Posted by ilovetchotchkes 

Moreover, the only way i can see birth as  pass/fail is : Pass=you end up with a baby regardless of exit method. Fail: You end up with a clutch of lizards or a litter of kittens. :) 

 BWHAHAHAHA   oh, that made my day.  love it love it love it!  

Getting there may not be fun but there is no failing birth (and you reserve the right to complain and dislike the end as much as you might, say, complain and dislike the whole first nauseous part).

[kgdg]

I hope you dont still feel like a failure. you didnt fail in any way!