Dispelling the "perfect birth theory" - Page 9

[slmommy]

Originally Posted by DoubleDouble 

That's true. I think I am very, very bitter. It took me years of hearing judgements and "helpful suggestions" to get to such levels. I'll have to work for a long while to reset and see things differently.

I am sorry everyone. 

I'm sorry people were judgemental and crappy to you. I can see why and how it could make someone extremely bitter. You don't seem to be the only one, it seems to be pretty much a dominate theme around here, unfortunately. I think this thread was/is turning out very interesting, this is not an easy topic to discuss. 

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by DoubleDouble 

Quote:

That's true. I think I am very, very bitter. It took me years of hearing judgements and "helpful suggestions" to get to such levels. I'll have to work for a long while to reset and see things differently.

I am sorry everyone. 

You have every right to your emotions.  I know this whole topic can be so heated and we all just want to feel like we're being heard.  I am ashamed about how I used to think a few years back.  I was too much on the "Rah, rah!  Go homebirth!" side of things and I feel like I get the other side now.  Again, just to have this on MDC is beautiful.

[Florence19]

I'm happy to hear that you had a great c-section birth and that you and you DC are doing well.

[Plummeting]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein 

You have every right to your emotions.  I know this whole topic can be so heated and we all just want to feel like we're being heard.  I am ashamed about how I used to think a few years back.  I was too much on the "Rah, rah!  Go homebirth!" side of things and I feel like I get the other side now.  Again, just to have this on MDC is beautiful.

I agree with all of the above. And the bolded...yeah. lol I had my first in the hospital and it was a beautiful birth with a great midwife, so I'm not anti-hospital birth at all, and never have been. However, I was very judgmental about women who chose not to breastfeed and about other stupid things. I'm still working on it all. No one is perfect, I suppose.

[Partaria]

I started up a podcast recently and my first episode touched on a lot of what we've discussed here. Check it out if you want. It's a long interview with a mama who went for a natural birth and ended up with a cesarean. She struggled to come to terms with it for a while, constantly wondering what she had "done wrong."

At her birth class reunion, she tells  of her c-section and her instructor's first response was "Who was your doula, again?".. as though if she had only gone with another doula (ie made a "smarter" decision), her outcome would've been different...

http://broadlives.libsyn.com

[Youngfrankenstein]

Off to listen!!!!

[jenerationx]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

I never thought it would happen to me. I swallowed the Kool Aid. I was sure that with year of yoga and meditation experience as well as my acupressure therapist doula by my side I would make it without any meds. My labor was a the biggest lesson in humility and understand that control is illusion. That one can plan and prepare but life has other plans.

Yes!  Humility.  You simply can not, ultimately, control the situation. 

With my first, my water broke and didn't really feel contractions or get uncomfortable for 6 hours.  Because of that, they wanted to start pitocin because they didn't think I had progressed.  I had them check and I was at 4--no pitocin needed.  Got in the tub, things progressed pretty fast.  Had excruciating back labor.  Started pushing at noon and the nurse thought I would have baby by 1ish.  Had a great OB that was very supportive of natural birth.  Ended up pushing for over three hours at which point pitocin was started because he just wasn't moving down (he was posterior). Suddenly, my natural labor turned into a 17 hour labor with almost every intervention known to man---epidural, pitocin, internal monitors (because baby's heart rate went way up), oxygen, prepping me for an emergency c section.  I was exhausted and had no control.  In the end, I was prepped and ready for the c section, wheeled into a surgical room with bright lights, nurses, anesthesiologist, multiple OB's, residents, special care nursery staff, etc.  Not at all what I wanted or pictured.  The epidural didn't work.  My beautiful son was delivered via forceps.  He wasn't breathing and had an APGAR score of 1 at 1 minute.  I didn't get to hold him right away, because they had to work on him.  My husband held him first.  His 5 minute score was a 7 and thankfully, he was fine. 

Sure, I could have declined the pitocin, but honestly, at some point I would have consented to pain meds or something--I couldn't have pushed forever.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck for a week.  I had a 3rd degree tear that was horrid.  I had all of these expectations for myself and felt like I failed.  Failed at birth.  I cried in our pediatricians office when he told me we needed to supplement.  I failed at birth,  I couldn't possibly fail at breastfeeding, too.  Yet, I did.  Failed at birth.  Failed at breastfeeding.  Failed for having a colicky baby.  Failed for having PPD.  

It was horrible and I was a mess.  Why?  Partly because I had placed so much pressure and so many expectations on myself for having the perfect birth.  Other people did it all the time!  People that didn't even *want* a natural birth ended up with one because they just progressed so fast!  What was wrong with me?!  I was depressed and missed out on so much with my son.  I was exhausted all the time.  And angry.  So angry.   

I just recently had my second.  I didn't have problems with breastfeeding or PPD.  Was it because I had an ideal birth?  Or was it simply because I was much more open this time?  I was much more aware about keeping an open mind this time around.  That said, I ended up having gestational diabetes and while at my 40 week visit, the NP informed me that because of gestational diabetes, they would be scheduling an induction.  I was mad--this so wasn't supposed to happen!  I followed the damn diet.  I exercised.  I hardly had any blood sugar reading out of range.  I did everything I could to have baby come on his own, but it didn't work.  I knew I was healthy and baby was healthy and that he was not a large baby.  So, yes, I could have refused an induction.  I didn't, though.  I decided to go with it and hope that this experience would be better. 

Showed up, got my cervadil, got my pitocin the next morning (the devil!!!), and got meds after feeling like I was near death while in the tub.  That's right, I got pitocin and meds!  Oh, AND ended up with an episiotomy.  And a male OB!   Who was I?!  As soon as the nurse told me I was at a 9 and she paged the OB, I started remembering my first birth experience, as I'm sure my husband was as well.  I started to cry and the wonderful, wonderful nurse and my amazing OB picked up on it--they assured me baby wasn't posterior.  That the baby was right there.  My OB told me  during pregnancy a million times that each birth is different, I was reminded again. 

After a very painful, but quick (6 hours) labor, my beautiful son was born.  And I cried.  Cried big, huge, fat tears of joy and relief.  Any notion of guilt and failure from this labor, or my first birth, was gone.  He was placed directly on my chest and suddenly, everything was perfect.  Perfect.

It didn't matter that I had an induction or pain meds.  Or that it wasn't what I pictured as being ideal.  Or that I had a (male!) OB instead of a midwife. I still had my supportive, loving husband, I had an incredible nurse who didn't leave my side and I had a gentle, caring male OB that sang happily as I delivered.  It may not have been what I *thought* was ideal, but it was happy, peaceful and perfect, for me. 

[lifeguard]

jenerationx - so many parallels in our birth stories. Thank you for sharing. Fwiw - I had male ob's for both births & they were both the most gentle, caring, skilled, respectful men - no regrets at all on that front.

[skyblufig]

to jenerationx -

Just, thank you. You just helped me out a whole, huge bunch. Can't go into details at the moment, but thanks again!

[jenerationx]

So glad I could somehow help, skyblufig. 
 

[Lulu0910]

OP here it's been a while since I've read my thread.  I'm happy so many women including myself found peace

and joy regardless of their delivery.  Here I am 6 weeks pregnant and a very long ways away from giving birth.

But this time around it's my baby's choice I'm happy to comply with whichever way he/she wants to enter

this world. 

[Hipi]

As someone who is recovering from a tubal pregnancy, I believe any birth where the baby & mother come out healthy is "perfect."

But I've had a baby before.  Recovering from natural birth is way easier than recovering from getting cut.  However, getting a c-section doesn't make you less of a woman.

[jenerationx]

I love this thread!

[spughy]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I read the first two and last pages and I'm happy to see some sense and compassion...

I had a relatively crappy birth with my first.  Home birth transfer - no progression after 20 hrs of labour.  Epi, pit drip, excruciatingly difficult vaginal birth of a nearly 9-lb baby who inexplicably had her arm over her head.  Tore like crazy, hemorrhaged badly, lost well over a litre of blood and had problems breastfeeding with low iron, low blood levels, a sleepy baby and very low milk supply.

I was moderately okay with the birth (I mean, I avoided a c-section! That's the holy grail right? Pfft.) until I had to supplement my baby with (gasp) formula.  After having been raised by Weston Price devotees (pre-sally-fallon-WAPF dental professionals no less) and hearing tales of how crappy kids' teeth are if they're given formula and how breastfeeding is just super-easy and real women don't bottlefeed.  Well that kicked me into PPD and the next 10 months or so were pretty hellish.

Now my "problem" baby is a gorgeous nearly-7-year-old.  She is bright, kind, funny, good company and has perfect teeth ;-) - everything I could have ever hoped for in a child.

And I am 7 years older and a whole lot wiser, and I understand a lot more about bodies and how they work and the universe in general.  I now understand that part of why my baby didn't just fall out of me in surges the way my hypnobirthing training suggested was that she was nearly 9 freaking lbs and I am barely 5'0" with all my "height" in my legs, and my hips are not generous.  And that I had the misfortune to be born into Western society and have sat on chairs regularly since I was able to sit and my body is not the body of a "naturally raised" human.  And that I worked a desk job for 8 years prior to her birth, sitting all the while and wearing heeled shoes.  And that I married a guy who was vastly genetically different from me, has a ginormous head and weighed nearly 10 lbs at his own birth, and was "oddly" enough posterior and difficult coming out himself.

I can't go back in time and change these things.  Nor, probably, would I. 

I'm now pregnant with my second child.  My midwife gave me a questionnaire about my birthing preferences and I summed it up in one sentence: "I want a birth with a minimal amount of drama."  She laughed, and asked exactly what that meant, and I said it meant that I had no expectations about being able to perform any feats of spectacular womanhood for the sake of my own pride.  I want the baby out in the manner that seems safest and least traumatic when the time comes.  I'll start with no drugs, but if I am progressing slowly, I will not put my baby through another grueling 24-hour ordeal, I'll take the pit and the epi and get it done. If that doesn't work, I'll take a c-section and I won't moan about it.  I hate surgery and I really don't want a six week recovery but if that's what happens, it's what happens.  And yes, I know that there are medical problems for which c-sections can play a role, most likely due to improper bacterial colonization when baby misses that fun-fun squish out the vag - but I will talk to my midwife if there's a way around that involving swabs or something if it comes to that.

I'm actually, at this point, kind of done with birth as a thing to get very excited about.  It's like weddings.  Should not be a huge big deal.  Get it over with, have some fun if you can, but for heaven's sake don't mortgage your house (or your soul, for a birth) in order to get a "perfect" day.  It's just one day. What comes after - the years of dependence and cuddling and love and growing and learning and the highs and lows and joy and sorrow - that's so much more important. 

[31rubies]

Originally Posted by spughy 

I'm now pregnant with my second child.  My midwife gave me a questionnaire about my birthing preferences and I summed it up in one sentence: "I want a birth with a minimal amount of drama."  She laughed, and asked exactly what that meant, and I said it meant that I had no expectations about being able to perform any feats of spectacular womanhood for the sake of my own pride.   

First of all, let me say that I am amazed and thankful to see this thread here of all places!  I am so tired of women competing thru birth, tearing each other down.  We should be upholding and edifying one another daily.

What spughy quoted her midwife as saying about pride....sometimes I think, unfortunately, that it comes down to pride with some women.  Birth is actually unpredictable sometimes.  I mean, what mother is going to refuse that homebirth/birth center transfer if her midwife says she needs it?  What mama is going to be able to have all the info she needs at the exact moment her OB says c-section?  Some choices are harder to make in the midst of labor, and any choices or plans you make before labor can go out the window in a minute.  As natural and wonderful as childbirth is, some problems arise sometimes that are simply out of our control.

And epidurals...another "failure".  My birth "failure".  I have had epidurals with all four of my babes.  The first epidural didn't work, and the next two were uncomplicated, and the fourth gave me a horrible cerebral fluid leak from a dura puncture.  Will I get an epidural with this babe due in March?  I don't plan on it.  But if I'm exhausted, in prolonged labor, I would if it meant birthing my babe faster and making it easier on him.  But an epidural for just pain relief is a "failure", right???  Not superwoman enough.  I just want this precious boy here safe, and to be here with him too.  I don't care about Superwoman.

[momof9kiddos]

Wow, I in no way have time to read through all the posts.  But I did see a place while skimming through where someone was saying women who have natural births are lucky.  I have had so many people say we are lucky, and it's really offending.  One of my births most certainly would have been a C-Section had I been in the hospital, and I had preeclampsia with my first birth.  We've also had hemmoraghing at birth, pregnancy anemia, early placenta seperation, 3 weeks overdue, sunny side up, and one birthed with arm above head. Is that being lucky?  All 7 of my children have been born at home (5 unassisted) with one being 10 pounds.  All have been between 8-10 pounds.  We've had our fair share of complications but have somehow managed to still avoid interventions and stay at home.  All of the complications were completely unavoidable but we still trusted my body to perform in the way it was made to.  We were ready to transfer if needed.  We've had people say we're trusting God too much, we're irresponsible, etc. etc. etc.  How can you trust God too much?  It really irritates me and I feel judged, maybe more so than a mother that had a c-section or interventions. 

We are currently pregnant with twins and planning another homebirth.  If my midwife told me that I or one of the babies most certainly would die without a C-section, then I'm all for it.  I will transfer, I will get that C-Section without guilt.  I think God has blessed us with skilled surgeons just for these emergency situations, but I also feel that C-Sections are so overused and it is robbing many women who wouldn't necessarily need one.  Mostly that it's easier for the doctor and there is less liability for them if a complication arises.  I don't think any birth is a failure, how can birth be a failure?  I feel that the doctor failed the mother IF, and only IF they perform procedures that aren't necessary.  I am also completely overjoyed to have skilled educated doctors that save lives!    The whole birth bashing thing needs to stop, it just makes both sides feel yucky :)

[Sol_y_Paz]

When I first thought about childbirth there were a lot of plans I had and made for my ideal.  But when it really came down to it what mattered the most was a full term healthy baby.  That, to me, was my perfect! 

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by cat13 

I'm happy to hear that you had a great c-section birth and that you and you DC are doing well.

I do, however, disagree with the statement, "Whatever way your baby comes doesn't take away from the happiness and joy you experience for the rest of your life." While this may be true to you (and if it is, that's wonderful!), it is not the truth for so many women who have had c-sections. 

i completely agree with this.