44, 11 weeks pregnant, 1st baby, very mixed feelings

[hilbie]

Hello all and HELP?!!

I turned 44 in November...and much to my surprise also got pregnant.  So I'm 11 weeks.  We were trying but not TRYING, if you know what I mean.  This is my first ever pregnancy.  I was adamantly childfree for years but then things changed, I met Dan, and we thought we'd see what happened.  To be honest I thought I was way too old to get pregnant and never really held out much hope.

So now I'm ... sort of freaking out.  I was amazed / pleased for the first couple of weeks, worried about miscarriage for the next couple of weeks and now I'm... sort of in a state of complete shock. And really depressed. And so very horribly anxious.  I know how awful that sounds, but I am going through such a maelstrom of feelings and terror about how my life will change, loss of freedom, loss of friendships, fear of isolation and loneliness, just general panic about how different my life will be.  I can't seem to stop focusing on the negatives.  I am wondering if this is just a horribly bad idea and that maybe I'm just too old to do this (although I feel so incredibly young).  

I just feel trapped, and I hate myself for feeling like that. I've suffered from anxiety and depression before and i am currently on medication.  It doesn't seem to be helping much.  I've also just started seeing a therapist. I just don't know how to think about the pregnancy and myself.  I am suddenly aware of what a HUGE responsibility this is. 

I have a loving and supportive OH who's calm and happy but worried about me.

I have no idea whether or not this is normal. I think I should be happy.  I just can't get there and can't feel any kind of bonding going on.  I have scans and tests to go through.  I'm just SCARED.

I would love any advice or helpful words.

Thank you so much for reading.

[Tear78]

((hugs)) and welcome to MDC! It is totally normal to be feeling anxious and overwhelmed and even a littlr hesitant. DH and I went through extensive fertility treatments to get pregnant and still had moments of 'oh man...we're going to be PARENTS?!" It's also normal tlo not feel bonded yet. I suspect that once you feel the baby kicking around inside of you your feelings might get over shadowed by excitement and love. I think nature knew what it was doing when it made pregnancies so long - it takes a while to get used to the idea! It sounds like your OH would be a good listener. Talk about how you're feeling. It'll help you sort out your feelings. It's huge change to get used to!

ps - excuse the typos: typing one handed here.

pps - older parents get benefits younger ones don't: experience, possibly more financial and job security. You can do this! Also, have you checked that your meds are safe to take while preg? Just a thought...

[Quinalla]

For most women, even with the most planned for, expected, desired, at her ideal age, etc. pregnancy they will have at least some feelings of worry and panic and it sounds like you were pretty surprised by this pregnancy which makes it that much harder. Mine was about as planned as you can get and I still had some worries and my DH had even more. So feelings like that are not abnormal, but you can be out of balance if the feelings are overwhelming you. Glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and that your DH is so supportive of you, hopefully between the two and yourself you can work through your feelings. But yes, it is normal to have feelings like this and to mourn the life you have now because it will change so much once you have a child. I would never go back, I love being a mother, but there are a lot of things i miss about my child-free life too.

Last thing, don't beat yourself up for having mixed feelings, it's normal and you and DH should get used to it as you will have mixed feelings once your child is here too. Of course you will love your child with everything you are, but there will be times of absolute frustration, exhaustion, etc. where you will question yourself or feel bad for being so angry or screwing up or whatever. Unfortunately, parenthood, especially motherhood, is often presented with just the good stuff, often ignoring the bad or indifferent stuff, so you end up feeling like you aren't as good as everyone else if you are having any negative feelings or if you need help (I did, thank God for my Mom and other family) and it simply isn't true!

[LCB]

You may find that the pregnancy hormones will amplify your anxiety, especially if you are already prone to it when not pregnant.  I am prone to anxiety and have been pregnant twice.  Both times, my anxiety amped up quite a bit and didn't cool off until the baby turns six months or so.  I took medication post partum to help.  It seems to be the way the hormones affect me, even to the point that the only time I have panic attacks is while pregnant, starting at 5 weeks.  I hate to say it, but it really does interfere with that ability to really enjoy the pregnancy and have that "isn't it wonderful I'm growing a life" kind of experience.  I never got to have that.  Mostly I spent my time trying to prevent a panic attack from coming on.  It was really not fun and pretty much a miserable experience.  But the good news is that it does calm down later on and I enjoy my kids very much now.  The process of getting them here is just very difficult for me.  I'm sorry to be such a downer, but perhaps it will give you the ability to just try to hang on and know that it will get better once the hormones calm down!  Oh, and don't let people make you feel guilty for not being all rainbows and sunshine.  Tons of people tried to make me feel bad that I was so negative about pregnancy, but it's just not a fun thing for every woman.

[Tear78]

omg...I was SO sick during my pregnancy, and I'd look around at the other pregnant smiling ladies and think HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS?! It's just different for everybody. Don't be hard on yourself for how you're feeling: you're normal! Just had to come back and check on you.

[Carlin]

Hi Hilbe,

Come on over and check out the September Due Date Club under the "Groups" tab. You'll find there are lots of us feeling very similar to you. The first trimester is tough!

[help007]

When you are pregnant, most feelings are normal at some point or another.  Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel excited, upset, nervous, all of it.  The only emotions that are signs you need help are self-harm or total hopelessness, and your midwife or doctor is the first person to talk to about those feelings.  Having a baby at any age is a huge life and lifestyle change, and you get many months to work through what these changes mean for you.  *hugs*