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Negative reactions when announcing my third pregnancy :(

post #1 of 36
Thread Starter 

My husband and I are very excited to be expecting our third child but I have to admit I have been surprised and hurt by the negative comments directed towards me.  I have a three year old boy and a five year old boy.  My brother-in-law said "Congratulations, I guess."  Our next door neighbor got really quiet, did not congratulate us and instead told me she felt sorry for me for having three children in under six years.  When I told a mother at my son's school I was pregnant she said "Wow, was this planned?"  My cousin said "Oh my God."  (As if I told her someone had died.)  

 

Then there are the rumors that keep on getting back to me.  Apparently a couple of family members think my husband needs to control himself and I need to "get my tubes tied" after this one.  Now, we aren't well off financially but we make enough to own a modest home, drive our children around in a newer safe vehicle,  and have plenty of healthy food and decent clothing.  I guess I am shocked that how many children we have is something people feel they have to right to comment on.  Has anyone else experienced this?  What have you done? Are there places in the U.S. that are more welcoming of larger families?  

post #2 of 36
A lot of people in society now a days seem to be anti larger families. I really dont know what their problems are or why they think it is any of their business to begin with but they do. Dont worry about what others think! Congratulations on your newest pregnancy and I hope you get more friendly and excited responses!


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post #3 of 36

I am so sorry for the negative responses!

How lucky you are to be having another baby!

I don't have any advice, except to say that if I were you, I would just kill 'em with kindness and joy. A new soul is something to be celebrated! So congrats!

post #4 of 36

That's a really surprising reaction, honestly.  I don't know where you're located, but I live in a medium sized city in upstate New York and plenty of people I know have larger families.  Three is considered pretty normal and while my friends with four are considered a little wacky it's always a lovable kind of wacky.  No one that I know of has ever made negative comments to them. 

 

My cousin who is LDS has 4 kids and she did say that it is much harder to have large families now than it was even twenty years ago.  Communities just aren't set up with larger families in mind.  But to me three is a very normal family size (maybe because I had two siblings) but it doesn't seem out of the ordinary at all.  So sorry you have to deal with such negativity at such a wonderful time.

post #5 of 36

wow- I am surprised to .... CONGRATULATIONS!

post #6 of 36

unfortunately i've heard of it happening (i only have one atm, wish i had more) I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of it.  :(  You don't deserve it.  Karma baby Karma... it will come back to bite them in the tushie.

 

Congratulations!!!!!

post #7 of 36

Oh how terrible! I could understand (though I still don't approve) if you weren't able to support yourselves and people weren't happy about your new baby, but it sounds like you're doing just fine and it's only three! I could see this under any circumstance if it were number five or six, but three? That's odd. I'm sorry you don't have more joy in your good news. I'm happy for you! Congratulations!!

post #8 of 36

I didn't get it with #3, three children is quite common where I am at, but the comments started flying when I was pg with my fourth. I still get asked random things. like if he was an accident, are we done, have we taken measures to make sure we are done, is my first from another father (because of course I wouldn't choose to have this many with one man apparently!). I just smile and ignore. Some people just say anything that pops into their mind. 

post #9 of 36

How incredibly rude of those people.  Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I know people who don't even think families should have one child;  they believe in negative population growth.  (I guess that would be "population shrinkage.")  Still, no one has been rude enough to say it directly to me since I've been pregnant.

It sounds like this is mostly a problem in your extended families, so moving wouldn't help, but since you asked about locations, I know multiple families in the Philadelphia area that have three children.  I believe that reproduction is a right, provided that parents actually care for their children.  There are many other ways to be environmentalist, or frugal, other than stopping at two, one, or zero, the size of a family in which the children are properly cared for is not something that should be open to comment.

post #10 of 36
Thread Starter 

  Thanks everyone!  I feel better reading all of the nice responses. :)  In all fairness, I have received support as well.  My husband's aunt and uncle have been wonderful as well as my sister and best friend.  I will just have to focus on the positive comments and ignore the hurtful ones. 

post #11 of 36

That is just terrible!  My friend who has 5 kids got that reaction as well, but I wouldn't have expected it with 3 (not that it's OK with 5 either, but I'm just surprised people see 3 as a "big" family).  I'm pregnant with my third and I've had some of those reactions as well.  Mostly from clients at work where I'm not going to get into it at all with them - mostly just asking "was it planned?" which is such a weird question to me.  But my family has been fine and my friends are all great, but I am friends with many people who have large family (none of less than 3, and the range is 3-8 kids among my friends) so 3 is nothing to them!  lol!  

 

Congratulations!!!  

post #12 of 36

congratulations :) I'm sorry that you've received some negative reactions.

 

I live in a part of the country where people are, on average, highly educated, have smaller families, and start having kids quite a bit later than average, and I wouldn't expect that many people (especially other parents) would have issues someone having a third child. maybe for a fourth or fifth, but I still feel like three kids is still considered understandable.

 

I also feel like many people [who don't/won't have kids] think that everyone should have no kids (which I won't get started on).

post #13 of 36

Congratulations on your pregnancy! We live in the Southeast, and we've gotten only positive reactions to our third pregnancy. My husband has lots of colleagues with four or even more children. People tell us a lot that they would have loved to have three or more, but couldn't afford it. I guess that is a sort of strange thing to tell a random stranger pregnant with number three, but I know it isn't meant to be rude. More like, "lucky you, that you can afford that," like children are a luxury. At our house, we see them as more of a necessity. wink1.gif

post #14 of 36

Congratulations!

 

The main thing, I think, is that "Congratulations!" is the only, polite, suitable comment to anyone announcing a pregnancy.

 

Then there is the other side.... I think you just happen to have rude relatives and I am sorry for you. However, there are also people in the world who cannot handle the one or two they already have and then it gets trickier. If a person is constantly asking for money, help, is whining about how hard it is, etc., the rational thought is that the person should know her limits. Now, granted, I have tons of friends and relatives that I hope will go on to have many more. Yet, there are some that don't seem to cope and take into consideration the kids they already have.

 

Any chance that these same people disapprove of the ways you are raising your kids. Since you are writing on MDC, that does not seem like it is impossible. In that case (while I am sure I would agree with you and nothe relatives) their comments may have reasons behind them, as rude and mean as they are.

 

Sometimes relatives also have a false sense of feeling sorry for the mom, if mothering was difficult for them. Then the rude response can actually can out of the kindness, in some strange, twisted way.

 

post #15 of 36

Congrats! We just had our first and I'm having so much fun I can't wait for more!  I don't look my age (28) so with recently being preggo, I got dirty looks all the time and questions of "are you old enough to have a child"...people are just rude.  Both my hubby and I came from 2 kid households, but our parents all have 5+ siblings and personally I'd love to have at least 3.  Many of our friends have 3+ or are working towards more - more playdates for us!  All of their kids are well behaved with one exception. We do have one set of friends with 4 children, they rely heavily on his family to support them and care for them, and rather than living within their means, they continue to vacation and cruise 5-6 times yearly, ski lesssons and ski club for the older two, and are constantly complaining to anyone who will listen that their family needs to pay more for THEIR kids (ie the grandparents need to put out more money).  Now THAT I find rediculous.  Not going to lie, we all did a happy dance when she told us they were done having kids because not only do they abuse the use of their family, but before our daughter came along, we were always bombarded with calls to pick up their kids from school, watch them at night while they worked, or to let the dog out because he spent 16 or more hours in his crate. 

post #16 of 36

Congratulations!

 

And since when is three kids "lots"?? DH and I are planning to stop at two, and I feel like that's a small family! orngtongue.gif

post #17 of 36
Congratulations!

I don't know what it is about pregnancy and kids, but it seems like a lot of people turn off their brains when reacting to news or when giving advice. And yeah, 3 kids is still considered normal around here, 4 or more is when people start the stupid questions typically.
post #18 of 36

we've dealt with similar reactions, it sucks. 

 

congrats to you on the pregnancy, three is a wonderful number! :)

post #19 of 36

I have a friend who is "disgusted" by large families. She thinks the earth is not going to be able to sustain large populations and we're just making it worse by producing more children. So won't she be surprised when I tell her I just found out we're expecting a third! Lol.

 

Congratulations, BTW. :)

post #20 of 36

I received expressions of concern from family and friends when I announced my third, but that was because I had very difficult pregnancies with the other two, and my health isn't really any better.  I'm fortunate to have a good doctor, now that my blood pressure is going down, people are relaxing a little and getting excited about welcoming Violet in June.

 

The worst reaction I ever had was when I had my first.  There was a feminist bookshop near my house run by a woman who believed very strongly in not having children, that doing so was destroying the Earth and oppressing women.  Nonetheless, she did have a small selection on feminist parenting for girls.  I was pleased with that, my father has some very old-fashioned, even backwards (in fact I'll go so far as to say downright crazy) ideas about raising girls.  I was expecting a boy, however.

 

So one day while browsing in the shop, I asked her if she had any books on raising boys from a feminist perspective.  Her response was downright icy.  Just a flat and final "No."  I asked if I could order something.  Again, "No."  Apparently young males weren't welcome in her world at all, even if they were raised to respect women.  She behaved like a stereotype out of a right-wing pundit's worst fantasy.  Totally ruined my experience at what had been one of my favorite shops.

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