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Negative reactions when announcing my third pregnancy :( - Page 2

post #21 of 36

DH and I did not receive much of the awesome, "Congratulations!" that we expected from some of our relatives. SIL didn't even sound excited, my aunt and cousin (like another mother and sister) neither one offered to throw/ help with my baby shower and they don't call to even ask how the pregnancy is, and I had several classmates at college ask me if this was planned. I didn't see the big deal, I'm 25 and we've been married for two years, I have a 3 yr old DSS.... What's the problem? I had no idea and still don't. I've had two miscarriages and my last one was two months before DH and I were married. That pregnancy had everyone excited and happy. This time around I almost felt guilty because of some of their reactions. We did find out that I have Factor Five Leiden, a blood clotting complication that explains my previous miscarriages and even know that my relatives know this, they aren't as excited as they were before. I've found that my friends, parents, brother and his wife, are the most excited about this baby. And it's taken me a while to be ok with that, considering I come from a very tight knit family. 

 

To the classmate (older lady in her 50's) who asked me if this baby was planned  after I had only met her a week prior, I did say: "Planned? Well I don't put out much and my husband was having knee surgery two days later, so I planned to let him have some fun before he was laid up." Probably not the best way to handle the situation but I definitely stopped her from asking any personal questions for the rest of the semester. 

 

In the end, you will have another gorgeous baby and hopefully a wonderful pregnancy and birth. Congratulations, Jenniet! Enjoy this pregnancy and have fun with it. 

post #22 of 36

First off CONGRATS!!!!!!!


I so know what you are talking about. I was very disappointed in how some of my family and friends reacted. We got some of the EXACT reactions that you mentioned. Tons of people asked if it was planned (as if that mattered), one said- "congrats.....I guess", some said I was crazy, some didn't even comment (but I knew their thoughts), some tried to look happy...but I could tell wasn't, some asked if this would be our last, some said that we should get snipped after this one.....but I think the most hurtful one was from my father in law who said "you don't need anymore children". That comment sent me through the roof! We have raised four healthy, intelligent, well mannered children and we don't require any help from the govt, family, or friends....and he said we don't NEED anymore children!?!??!  Yes, our child was not planned (none of ours were) but we welcome it with open arms! Just because he only had one child (and wasn't really much of a parent to him) doesn't mean that he should critic my parenting choices!
Ok stepping off that soap box 0_o

What I did to conquer any negativity was to be EXTRA EXCITED about this pregnancy.....so people don't ask dumb questions or say dumb hurtful things.

((hugs)) to you....I know how it feels for people to be insensitive =S


In regards to an area that is more acceptable of larger families- I live in the mid-west and I have several friends and family that have at least as many kids as me (and they are very supportive as you would imagine).....but I do have that handful of "friends" and family that think any more than 2 is just unacceptable. Most of them are not from around here and of course they don't have but one or two children.....sometimes none.  So I try to take their parenting critics with a grain of salt.
As long as my husband, children and I are happy.....then THAT is all that truly matters on that subject!


I think 3 is awkward for some people to accept because it is the first step over the national average of children. Two is considered normal but three is the first step towards a "big" family. =S


Edited by BlessedOne - 2/28/12 at 9:30pm
post #23 of 36

Hi, I think it's very common situation when people feel sorry for the people who have many children, of course they begin to think that it was unplanned, so don't pay attention to them, I respect the women who have three or more children. Good luck! My congrats!!!

post #24 of 36

Congratulations!

 

Our society is definitely anti more than 2.1 kids per family.  The aversion is modeled in the media.   And just the size of an "average" car doesn't handle more than 4 people total.  Most people see children as a liability and not an asset and they are projecting that on you and it is not fair to you.  I am so sorry that others can't share in your joy and thrill.  It hurts when anyone, especially family, try to make their opinions known so you will be influenced, or punished by their attitude.  It is so wrong.  

 

Surround yourself with positive people who love you and are upbeat about your new wombling.  Hugs.

post #25 of 36

Keeping having 'em. :)

 

After our first two (a boy and girl), I got a lot of comments about how "perfect" and how we must be "done." 

 

When pg with 3, the comments started coming, and with #4, they were really bad.  Even after she was born people would glare at us in stores, etc.  And my children were being perfectly calm and sweet, by the way.  It was absolutely because of how many we had, and not at all behavior.

 

Now that I'm pg with #5, I have gotten NO negative comments.  Zero, zilch, none.  They seem to look at us and figure we must have crossed over and they might as well be nice to us. :)

post #26 of 36

I'm really lucky that the department I work in is obsessively child-friendly.  My chairman has four kids, my other colleague has three, and the other members of our department are by and large Catholics who love big families.  This is especially awesome because all my colleagues are men.  It's interesting because they're almost as excited by my pregnancy as my girl friends are!  So, there are pockets of sanity out there, you just have to find them.  I do think family friendliness is more common in religious circles, which is interesting to me since I personally have no fixed religious beliefs at all.  But I love my family-loving Catholic colleagues.

post #27 of 36

We just had #5 and we've gotten comments ever since #3. Lately, I get the "are you guys done now?" question.....got that after #4 as well and I always said "oh yeah, we're DONE"...haha! 

post #28 of 36

I just read this post and had to reply. You are not alone, I have experienced similar responses from family members and friends--not all and not straight-out rude, but the "vibe" is there. I was really surprised b/c it is only my 3rd pregnancy! When I tell people that we would like four, they look really shocked and weireded out.

 

I'm entering the 3rd trimester and I can definitely feel the effects of this now. People are just not as interested in the baby-to-be, the pregnancy or anything to do with it. It is as if I'm not even pregnant. I've had several people say, "I didn't even notice you were pregnant until you said something" (and I'm feeling like a whale, so this is strange). Anyway, surrounding yourself with good, positive friendships, aquaintances, whatever is the way to go! I am so thankful that my sister has been really supportive and that I can call her anytime to talk about things. I also really value the MDC community in this aspect.

 

Take care, mama, and many, many congratulations to you on this pregnancy! Pamper yourself whenever and however possible. :)

post #29 of 36

People just suck. We are also having our 3rd child (and I hope not our last!) I told my parents, and they didn't even say anything, just "Oh." A couple of hours later, my mom said "Congratulations I guess," and my dad never said anything =/

Just forget them and enjoy your pregnancy and your awesome family (3 kids isn't even large imo!)

post #30 of 36

We got some negativity with #3, so I was really stressed out about telling people about #4.  It turns out, everyone was so excited and positive about #4, like, REALLY excited.  Go figure.  People are nuts is all I can determine from this set of reactions LOL

 

ND

post #31 of 36

I hate when people do this. I've not experienced it myself as we are just now on #2. But my brother had his 2nd, 3rd and 4th baby VERY close together. Like all 3 were born within 24 months! When the 3rd and 4th pregnancy were announced, my family had nothing but negative things to say. Granted, #3 and #4 were only 10.5 months apart - so definitely a shock to be hearing SIL is pregnant just a couple months after giving birth. But I just always felt sad hearing my parents say negative things and couldn't help but think that a new life was on the way and people should be excited for that! 

 

And I don't think 3 kids is a huge family by any means. I think the economy makes having 3 more unattainable these days, but it's not crazy big at all. My brother has 11 kids. THAT is a big family! (he had 4, married a woman with 6 and they had 1 more - so there were no comments on baby number 9 or 10, etc bc they were already living kiddos). 

 

Cindy

post #32 of 36

I'm 31 weeks with #3 and was also surprised by people's reactions. Some people gave a nervous laugh, others seemed worried or even a bit disapproving... Some were, of course, over the moon. I'm very happy and comfortable with the pregnancy so I've actually found it quite funny to see that it makes people uncomfortable. I live in a place where three kids is a large family, so perhaps people are just very surprised. I have a very good friend who was with me when I told three other friends the news (one was very happy and the other two did the nervous laugh) and she was horrified at their reactions. I found that reassuring!

post #33 of 36

it's interesting that you asked if there are other US cities that are friendly to "large families" because as a whole, the average US family size is 4, that's how cars are made, most homes are made and is the ideal restaurant party size. I actually have a friend that told me, "if you ever want more kids, stick to 2... don't get me wrong my world wouldn't be the same without our third child, but I wish I would've know that before".  

Personally, my DH wants 2 kids at the most because of the fact that it is the standard family size, but I want 4. We don't tell our family if we are having a party, our future plans or if we are pregnant ( we actually didn't tell anyone until it was impossible to deny. :) 

 

You are clearly showing your excitement to these people and they are being brutally honest with how they feel. If I was you I'd just keep it with in my own family (DH and DD) and have the excitement together.

post #34 of 36


I do agree that on average the family size in the US is four....at least according to stats.
But I would be curious to know if in regards to the rest of your quote from below ...if it is really any more accommodating to larger families in other parts of the world???
In other parts of the world, are cars normally bigger?  In other parts of the world are restaurants made to accommodate larger families?.....are homes bigger?

Not that I am expert in these areas, but I would just *assume*  that in other parts of the civilized world that it is not much better....perhaps even worse in some areas. But again, I could be wrong.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by aHikaru View Post

it's interesting that you asked if there are other US cities that are friendly to "large families" because as a whole, the average US family size is 4, that's how cars are made, most homes are made and is the ideal restaurant party size. I actually have a friend that told me,



I have a larger family than average (6 total...getting ready to be 7) and I really haven't had much issue with the above things. When we go to restaurants, we don't have any issue with our size or have to wait longer. Actually sometimes we even get in sooner because the group tables are not filled because there are a lot of parties of 4 waiting and they won't normally put a party of 4 on an 8 topper. So many times we get seated right away...even if there is a line.

In regards to housing.....of course we want a larger house...but in reality the average 3/2 would work for us if we wanted it to.

In regards to cars....yes many times cars are commonly most appropriate for 4 people....although in reality most are made for 5 (just not comfortably). In resent years, there has been a huge rise in manufacturing of SUVs and CUVs that hold more people. Some even up to 8 people. I personally own one that holds 7 people. We got it after having our 4th child. And of course that is not taking into consideration the large amount of vans/mini-vans on the roads. There a lot of nice options out there for bigger families. And honestly, I have found that my friends with 2 kids take advantage of larger vehicles just as much as the bigger families. Honestly, it is very strange (around here anyway) to see a family of four in a sedan or compact car. =S

Point being, I wouldn't suggest basing the number of children one has on such decisions. =)
 

post #35 of 36

In our area, two is normal, one is understandable if both parents have careers, and a third is an exotic produced if you get "lucky" with both genders. I've been open to wanting a third and no one can even say they understand! I usually get, "wow I can't imagine" and "don't you have a boy and a girl."

 

And DH was the one to bring up negative population growth or is favorite "2 hands arguement"

post #36 of 36

Interesting thread!

Gives me some reassurance to continue celebrating on our own for a little longer. Family (all overseas, anyway, so they don't see  me!) can wait with being told about #4 being on the way. I just don't want to hear any of their comments. (We were compared to rabbits when I was expecting #3...).

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