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9 year old girl sharing a shower with two other girls..........what do you think? - Page 3

Poll Results: Would you let your 9 year old daughter shower with two of her girlfriends (naked and in one shower)

Poll expired: Mar 5, 2012  
  • 42% (14)
    No
  • 57% (19)
    Yes
33 Total Votes  
post #41 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

It's interesting the way we're all taking the bare outline of events presented in the OP and imagining the situation in different ways, and it's alarming to me that so many people are imagining worst-case scenarios.  What was described was not "the parent telling the kids to strip and then looking at them."  



I've got to agree with that. The OP's child wasn't even involved. She heard about this from the child's mom, who heard about it from the child, so we're hearing about it at least third hand. We really don't know exactly what happened nor how it was suggested. I think to demonize this sleep-over mom and say a call to CPS is warranted is over-stepping bounds. It's possible that something nefarious is going on, but it's just as possible that it was completely innocent. 

 

My 8 year old absolutely loves going in the bathroom with her friends. I have no idea why. And they love to get into mischief in the bathroom. I could easily see a scenario where one of my dd's friends might suggest getting in a shower (and there's plenty of room in a tub/shower combo for 3 kids — my 2 shower together often enough, and I used to shower with them when they were littler and I'm bigger than the two of them put together) and the sleep-over mom would agree and then knowing what mischief my kids like to get into in the bathroom (writing on the mirrors with soap—and that's my 11 yr old—splashing around, and generally cutting up) I would expect the mom to poke her head in from time to time to make sure her bathroom wasn't being destroyed and everything was okay. 

 

I mean, even if there wasn't nakedness and a running shower involved, if you had three kids over at your house and you heard lots of squealing and splashing and giggling going on in the bathroom, wouldn't you want to check to see what was going on?

post #42 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsnextmom View Post

Personally, I had some pretty hairy experiences on sleep-overs growing up. My eldest has called me up from one party wanting to go home because of the behavior of the mother (who we knew for years and seemed quite normal working along side her at school... turns out, pretty unstable in her personal life.) We had issues in our Girl Scout troop where one mom (again, new her for years) invited some of the girls over and proceeded to photograph them playing in the paddle pool outside naked. I truly believe the mom was just clueless.. she saw them as babies (they were 8) and thought it was cute. However, the families of the girls involved were FURIOUS and not without cause.

 


Again, the friends that I let my kids spend the night with are good family friends. I haven't yet let my child spend the night with someone that I didn't know very, very well — more than a knew them for years at school or Scouts kinda thing. That time may come, but we're not there yet. When my kids have spent the night it's with families we've known for years and I have been to their homes countless times and they've been to my house many times as well. The moms are my friends as well. So that's coloring my responses. I could totally see this scenario happening at one of our friends houses and since I know the moms (and dads and kids) so well I would know it would be completely innocent. I think it would be unusual for them to need to shower together, but if they all ended up in a manure pile or fell down in a stinky mud puddle or something I could see a scenario where a shower would be needed and I would be totally fine with the mom checking in on my kids during the shower. I think the moms have all seen my kids naked before at the pool, etc.

 

In the situation outlined by whatsnextmom, I would not be happy about naked pictures at all, even if it was a case of thinking of them as babies, but that's harder for me to envision that than the got really smelly-dirty and needed a shower situation. 

 

Just throwing this out there, but a couple of years ago, probably when my dd1 was about 9, we were invited over to a beginning of summer party at a friends' house (not a super close friend, but a good friend and we had been to parties there before) and they got out a kiddie pool or sprinkler. This wasn't planned ahead of time so the younger guests didn't have bathing suits. The mom is European, though, and she just encouraged the kids to get naked. Totally normal in her country of origin, but a little out of my comfort range since it was in the middle of the party with a mix of boys and girls playing and moms and dads all standing around outside chatting and looking on. I think my kids ended up stripping to their undies and playing. 

 

We REALLY don't know very much about the actual situation here and I think jumping to hasty negative conclusions could have negative repercussions if someone were the type to take advice from strangers on the internet (me included). The OP's friend needs to consider the details of the situation (which we don't have and aren't likely to get) and how well she knows the sleep-over mom and her child. Maybe what needs to happen is the OP's friend needs to say to the sleep-over Mom, "I wasn't comfortable with the kids showering together. I'm concerned my dd might like more privacy and I'd rather her not shower at other's homes. I'll have her take a shower at home before she comes." Maybe it was totally out of line and she does need to take firmer action. Maybe her kid thought it was great and was telling her mom how much fun it was and she needs to chill out. Hard to say.

post #43 of 55

I think the point that the sum total of our experience in life will greatly color the way this situation is seen is a good one.  I don't recall exactly how old I was the last time it happened... it seems this arrangement ended at puberty... but I was chucked into plenty of tubs or showers with friends and told to clean myself up right and proper.  And this did frequently involve the mother on duty coming back in prior to the shower ending and running the checklist of what had been cleaned, and supervising said cleaning if you copped to missing a spot.  It was always same-sex, and always the mother supervising, and frankly, we were all, mother included, mainly innocent of the concept of sexual abuse.  We came from a place where women and children didn't know much about that sort of thing, and didn't worry about it too much, as we were dutifully minded and cared for by our menfolk.  Clearly this system has some glaring downsides, and I'm not defending this method of dealing with this aspect of a life in a society, but I can say that the mother standing in the bathroom, glaring down the group of prepubescent girls and demanding that we scrub ourselves correctly was not, in any way sexualizing us;  she was just making damn sure she wasn't the mother that became (in)famous for sending the girls home dirty.   And if it looked odd from the outside we had no idea, because we had never been introduced to the idea of sex abuse and appropriate nudity.  Can you meet with this women and address your concerns, and listen to your gut?  Could it be that she is completely unaware of how her behavior is being viewed?

 

post #44 of 55

nm


Edited by Linda on the move - 2/18/12 at 2:37pm
post #45 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post


Again, the friends that I let my kids spend the night with are good family friends. I haven't yet let my child spend the night with someone that I didn't know very, very well — more than a knew them for years at school or Scouts kinda thing. That time may come, but we're not there yet. When my kids have spent the night it's with families we've known for years and I have been to their homes countless times and they've been to my house many times as well. The moms are my friends as well. So that's coloring my responses. I could totally see this scenario happening at one of our friends houses and since I know the moms (and dads and kids) so well I would know it would be completely innocent. I think it would be unusual for them to need to shower together, but if they all ended up in a manure pile or fell down in a stinky mud puddle or something I could see a scenario where a shower would be needed and I would be totally fine with the mom checking in on my kids during the shower. I think the moms have all seen my kids naked before at the pool, etc.

 

In the situation outlined by whatsnextmom, I would not be happy about naked pictures at all, even if it was a case of thinking of them as babies, but that's harder for me to envision that than the got really smelly-dirty and needed a shower situation. 

 

Just throwing this out there, but a couple of years ago, probably when my dd1 was about 9, we were invited over to a beginning of summer party at a friends' house (not a super close friend, but a good friend and we had been to parties there before) and they got out a kiddie pool or sprinkler. This wasn't planned ahead of time so the younger guests didn't have bathing suits. The mom is European, though, and she just encouraged the kids to get naked. Totally normal in her country of origin, but a little out of my comfort range since it was in the middle of the party with a mix of boys and girls playing and moms and dads all standing around outside chatting and looking on. I think my kids ended up stripping to their undies and playing. 

 

We REALLY don't know very much about the actual situation here and I think jumping to hasty negative conclusions could have negative repercussions if someone were the type to take advice from strangers on the internet (me included). The OP's friend needs to consider the details of the situation (which we don't have and aren't likely to get) and how well she knows the sleep-over mom and her child. Maybe what needs to happen is the OP's friend needs to say to the sleep-over Mom, "I wasn't comfortable with the kids showering together. I'm concerned my dd might like more privacy and I'd rather her not shower at other's homes. I'll have her take a shower at home before she comes." Maybe it was totally out of line and she does need to take firmer action. Maybe her kid thought it was great and was telling her mom how much fun it was and she needs to chill out. Hard to say.


Of course we don't know lol. The OP was just asking for opinions on how individuals would feel and those were shared. Then those who had any reservations were accused of being ridiculous shame monsters lol.

 

Whatever, I shared my position and it's been a wise one for us. On to the next topic.. geesh.

 

post #46 of 55

I'm in the UK.

 

If my DD did not WANT to shower with others and had voiced that and had been told she must then i would have expected her to call me to be picked up.  If she didn't mind i wouldn't mind.  The mom popping her head round the door is not even on my radar.  Kids of 9 mess about, waste shampoo, flood the floors, you name it.  If it were in my house i'd pop my head in now and then to monitor things too.  I am not a creepy abuser, i am just a tired mum who could do without a flooded kitchen to mop up and another 3 bottles of bathing products to replace.

 

post #47 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsnextmom View Post


Of course we don't know lol. The OP was just asking for opinions on how individuals would feel and those were shared. Then those who had any reservations were accused of being ridiculous shame monsters lol.


I've read the entire thread, and I didn't see anyone being shamed... Just sayin'.

 

post #48 of 55

I don't know, I learned a long time ago not to deal in the world of hypotheticals because it tends to bring out the worst in me.  What I see in the original post is a bare-bones, non-witness (therefore hearsay) statement of what happened.  A friend tells you that her second cousin saw your DH talking to an attractive lady on the bus and they got off at the same stop.  What would you think?  [insert every possible scenario here].

 

Three 9-year-old girls sharing a shower and mom popping in to check on them?  I don't know, I need more facts before I can form an opinion.  Mom "had them take a shower together."  What were the circumstances surrounding that?  We take showers at home together for water conservation purposes.  I would imagine that if I had a gaggle of pre-teens who wanted to use my shower, taking it together would certainly be something that I suggest, since I'm stuck with the water bill.  There are just so many ways to spin this. That being said, I wish I had been more sure of myself at that age to shower with other girls.  I was incredibly ashamed of my body because it was inferred over and over again to me that it was something to be hidden.  Not because it was so precious but because it was something negative.  To this day, I am ashamed of  my own body, and I wish things were different.  Even in gym class throughout secondary school, I used to devise dressing and undressing in a way where no one saw any part of my body.

 

I say all this with the recognition that there are instances where children and others are abused and taken advantage of, and I'm not attempting to undermine that.  But at the same time, I wish that I had been given the opportunity to celebrate my body, to feel confident in it and to not be ashamed of it.  I would hope that before DD is in the "situation" that OP describes, that she knows all the appropriate responses, etc.  It is my responsibility to first of all make sure she is in a situation where she is secure and knows how to handle the situation if it is out of the ordinary or uncomfortable.

 

post #49 of 55

Going a bit off from the original post (which, I agree, was pretty pretty much hearsay - we don't know what the actual situation was...)... There can be a really fine line between modesty and shame. Should kids just prance around everywhere starkers? Of course not. But... the whole "no one should look at your body" line also concerns me. I was brought up with the whole "your body is private, no one should see it, etc." and I do think it's led me to be more self-conscious than is good. Funnily enough, it is my daughter who has taught me. She is modest when appropriate, but doesn't hide her body, either. It's hers, and she's happy with it. When her friends complain about their bodies, she tells them that they are beautiful the way they are and should celebrate that. Isn't that what we should want for all of our children? Especially our girls?

 

I'm not saying that anyone here is teaching their child to be ashamed of his/her body. But... realize that it can be a fine line. Many. many girls have body images - how do we, as parents, contribute to that?

post #50 of 55

What this thread is telling me is that I need to think long and hard about what friends will be invited over to our house for overnights, when my DD reaches the age when that happens (she's only 3 now). And think carefully about the circumstances under which she'll be allowed to stay over with her friends.

 

Children can come home, report what happened at the sleepover, and then have their words construed in a million different ways. Perhaps it's best to only do sleepovers with children of families that you know well, whose parents you have a trusting relationship with. That way if anything comes up in the post-sleepover "report", there's the opportunity to talk about it & work through any differences, and make adjustments for the next time.

post #51 of 55
Quote:

Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post

 

Perhaps it's best to only do sleepovers with children of families that you know well, whose parents you have a trusting relationship with. That way if anything comes up in the post-sleepover "report", there's the opportunity to talk about it & work through any differences, and make adjustments for the next time.


That's what we do CI Mama. Works for us so far.

 

post #52 of 55

My (girl) friends and I took baths and showers together all the time, went skinny dipping, went in the sauna together,we never thought that it could be weird. Actually I remember taking a bath with one of my male friends when I was 4 or 5, didn't think that was weird, either. Hippie parents, what can I say. 

However, if the girls felt uncomfortable and like they were forced to take a shower together, and uncomfortable at the mom coming in, that would be a completely different situation and not appropriate. I couldn't tell from the post which one it was.

post #53 of 55
Quote:
Originally Posted by CI Mama View Post
Children can come home, report what happened at the sleepover, and then have their words construed in a million different ways. Perhaps it's best to only do sleepovers with children of families that you know well, whose parents you have a trusting relationship with. That way if anything comes up in the post-sleepover "report", there's the opportunity to talk about it & work through any differences, and make adjustments for the next time.


That works for a while, but eventually you could end up saying "no" just because YOU don't know the parent. And is that fair to teenager? You can only go over to the people's houses for sleepovers if I know the mommy?

 

With a *child,* may be. but with a *teen,* it would IMHO, be overprotective and inappropriate. My younger DD has spent the night with people I barely knew but that she knew quite well. And kids have spent the night at our house that I couldn't have picked their parent out of a line up.

 

 

 

post #54 of 55
Thread Starter 

Hi Mommies. I posted the original post......so I guess it's time to close it............you've all been great about sharing...thank you.  Everyone had insight on all levels (looking at nudity, modesty, privacy, home vs locker room, calling cps, sleep over rules, girls doing what moms did at their ages, etc etc).  I appreciate everyone's time....and all the different opinions. Thanks. thumb.gif

post #55 of 55
I wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation especially since they were naked and the mom was "checking on them...." Doesn't sound right to me. Anyways, I have 3 girls (aged 18, 13, and 9) and all of them (especially the younger 2) are developing faster than the "normal rate" so they would be self-conscious if showering in front of others. When my girls have friends over, showering and changing is done separately.
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