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Taking the Scenic Route...to a BFP - Page 78post #1542 of 221910/29/12 at 1:11pm
Chrissy, that's so crazy about your husband's employer!! What a crazy thing! I would think they would be looking at the legality of the situation if nothing else?! My goodness, well my thoughts and prayers for his safe arrival home!
SKJ, you inspire me. I love your positive attitude and your strength. I think kissing the onesie should be a daily ritual!
Indie, as always, you are full of love and positivity! I think your new year idea is brilliant!post #1543 of 221910/29/12 at 1:52pmpost #1544 of 221910/29/12 at 2:01pmpost #1545 of 221910/29/12 at 2:47pmpost #1546 of 221910/29/12 at 7:01pm
First i want to say Everyone in the storm (Sandy) i am praying for ya'll
SKJ : I am so sorry!! You are absolutley amazing!! I love your wonderful positive attitude ... I have lost 2 babies 1 mc and 1 came too early at 21 weeks .... but I was truly horrible and negative and hated everyone ... I admire you GREATLY!!! andI am sure you will get a happy healthy boy soon
Yeah ummmm babymomma123 ??? what is your deal? are you being rude or do you really want a baby?
Chrissy: how scary about your DH ... I am praying he comes home safe to you :-)
TF: I am so sorry about your cysts ... and having to wait!! UGH I can feel your frusteration.... but maybe this is ment to be and you will get a free baby!!
Indie: your DH sounds awesome!! I love that he is positive about getting a free baby!
Bebe: How was your sono ? any more pictures? I love that you can see your baby bump !!
Sherry, Devilish, Greenmum, Greentree : how are ya'll all doing?
Did I leave anyone out? I am so tired PLEASE forgive me if I did...
AFM: well I bought a few meditation cd's and a fertility food recipe book... I went out to Central market and bought all organic veggies , whole wheat breads ... grains, nuts, fruit.... free range chicken, ect.... I spent a FORTUNE ...UGH .... but I am want to make sure my body is super healthy for IVF and this baby to stick and stick GOOD lol ... Me and DH have been walking everyday and we have been playing dance off on the WII ( its super fun) I am getting so excited for Thursday ( my IVF consult) so anyone have any words of wisdom? or questions I should ask..... remeber I am 40 now :-( and my fsh was 15 and my amh was .44 .... what would ya'll ask?post #1547 of 221910/29/12 at 7:52pmpost #1548 of 221910/30/12 at 5:14ampost #1549 of 221910/30/12 at 7:56amQuote:
Shell - I like you plan with meditation and fertility foods! I've been off alcohol and caffeine (including chocolate) for the last few months. Of course, as soon as I got the BFP, I started drinking decaf again. Not sure if I'm going to give it up again or not. Anyways, I think the changes I made really helped me, so I hope they help you too! I'm not sure what I'd ask beyond what protocol the RE expects to use and what he/she anticipates your success rate to be. I would want to know how long each phase of the protocol will take and what happens if your follicles aren't as great as they should be, do they just covert to IUI?
AFM - Thanks for all your kind thoughts. It's funny, I am a VERY pessimistic person and am trying my hardest to change my negative attitude. I'm sure DH would laugh at everything I've written here. But, I think I allow myself to be negative around him b/c I feel safe around him, you know? Anyways, I'm feeling really ok about things. I'm very happy to have been pregnant, if even for only a couple of weeks. It actually relieved my fears that something is wrong on my right side, and taught me that there is no way to know from looking at my chart or when I O'ed if the month is going to work out or not. I think I really needed to learn that so I can be optimistic every month. I think I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to TTC. I just have a good feeling that things are going to work out for me soon. I was talking to DH about what to do next and he thought that when we do a medicated cycle, I get really anxious and put a lot of pressure on myself. He truly thinks that our success this time was due to the fact that I wasn't stressing out about things. I tend to agree. So, we'll see what the RE says, but I'm contemplating a little break from meds. I've never had a problem ovulating, so I'm wondering if my real problem is my hormones being out of whack. My cycle is pretty irregular and I know I have an LPD. I think my acupuncturist would agree and I think that the herbs + acupuncture is more effective at balancing hormones than throwing more hormones at my body. Anyways, sorry for thinking out loudpost #1550 of 221910/30/12 at 8:27am
How's everyone doing after the storm? I hope you have power and are at home warm and cozy!
Shell, my sono was really good and I really need to update those pics tonight! DH still didn't scan them, but I'll remind him later. Can't wait to show you guys! So I really think you have such a good fertility plan! I love that you play Dance Off on Wii! I really think you should use your own eggs too. You are 40, not 50! Chinese medicine believes that a woman can naturally get pregnant without intervention until she is 49, so that tells me that egg quality is still good until then. I'm glad Sherry encouraged you in that way!
SKJ, still loving your attitude and I'm glad that this experience has given you confidence and I also know that you are going to be successful! I also think that my lack of stressing had to do with my success this time. Doing acupuncture and herbs is definitely the way to go to balance things out . . . western medicine does such a poor job of this. I'm sure RE will encourage you to move on to the next steps, but I really don't see how a short break couldn't completely benefit you.post #1551 of 221910/30/12 at 10:41am
so i'm a little worried that we haven't heard from any of our east coasters...
shell - it sounds like you have a great plan moving forward! i'm excited about your consult. just remember... just because your FSH was 15 last time it was checked it doesn't mean that it will still be that high... there are many, many women who have had an FSH that high and higher and still had babies. i think the exercise and eating right and wii dancing (totally want to get a dance game for our wii now!) will be perfect for getting you ready for a successful ivf. and i agree with bebe and sherry... you still have time to use your own eggs!
bebe - hiiiiiii mama!
skj - will your daughter dress up for halloween? what are your plans? as far as positivity goes... i tend to swing back and forth between optimism and pessimism in most areas of my life. i think you are doing a great job of being optimistic and you also have some really solid reasons to be optimistic! i was thinking about your list of things you need to work through and have been thinking of my list of things i need to work through. my list looks a little something like this:
1. complete lack of faith in my body to do what it is *supposed* to know how to do. i'm really struggling with feeling broken and defective and every time i try to think positively about my ability to conceive and carry a child to term my inner critic just rolls her eyes and points to all the evidence to the contrary.
2. constant fear that i'm not doing things "right". i worry about every supplement i am or am not taking, every time someone mentions something they've added or taken away from their diet makes me question my dietary decisions, i'm just always afraid that i am setting myself up for failure.
3. fear that i'm just not "meant" to be a mother.
i guess you could boil it all down to one thing: fear.
fear can be exhausting.
toothfairy, gtree, chrissy, sherry... hope you and your families are safe!!
afm - finishing up my fresh guacamole for lunch (avocados!) and trying to get prepared for our little trick or treat party tomorrow night in between doing some work from home. i booked a 15 minute manual lymph drainage massage for friday. i read somewhere that they are good for releasing toxins before ivf so i figured i'd give the 15 minute version a try first. i'm feeling like i could be very weepy today but for no specific reason. hoping AF starts soon. have any of you seen the movie "seeking a friend for the end of the world"? dh and i watched it this weekend and i loved it. it's still rattling around in my head. i think it made such an impact because it was a good reminder that even though this baby thing hasn't happened yet... i totally have a friend for the end of the world and i need to not forget how crazy lucky i am.post #1552 of 221910/30/12 at 11:12amIndie - Can you tell I'm not very good about working from home?
I think that just writing out your list of concerns should help them start to melt away. Fear is so disabling. here's what I think about your list:
1) Your body HAS done this before. It may have ended before it was supposed to, but you are ovulating, and so long as you are ovulating, you can get pregnant in my opinion. And, IVF just takes out as many obstacles as possible. So, you don't have to rely on your body to work 100% for you to get pregnant and carry the baby to term. I really, truely believe that for any of us to be successful, we have to believe in our body's ability to do this. I was totally in your shoes. I was sure that Maia would be an only. It was a very sad place to be. I really hated my body for not cooperating. Then, my acupuncturist talked to me about how important the mind body connection is and that our mind can do wonders to heal the body. I started to believe it, really believe it and for the first time ever, I ovulated on time. I'm not saying you have to love everything about your body, but I think you will find success when you can let go of the inner eye rolling critic. I guess what I'm saying is, don't start with convincing yourself that your body is capable of this or that if you don't believe it. Maybe start with the thought that your body is capable of healing and that you are being proactive in the healing process. you are providing all the right nourishment for your body and you can enhance that nourishment by sending nourishing, healing thoughts from your brain. I thought the C+B visualization where you imagine a young, healthy pituitary or something like that really helped. I imagined that the glands were old, wrinkly and gray. Then, I imagined the outer layer peeling away to reveal pink, smooth glands. So, in my mind, things were old and wrinkly, but I believed that they could become pink and smooth again.
2) I went though this too. At the end of the day, who knows what is right or wrong. I think the supplements can help, but they aren't a silver bullet. There are just as many (maybe more) people who've done all the "right" things and haven't gotten pregnant and endless women who did all the "wrong" things and did get pregnant.
3) First off, you already are a mother to your fur babies. This is really important to recognize. Second, you WILL be a mother to your very own baby.
Everything you are feeling is totally rational and healthy.
I'm really glad you shared your fears, both for yourself and for us. I think it really helps when others are brave enough to express what scares them about this process. We spend so much time trying to be tough and forge ahead that it's refreshing to remember that it's a really shitty thing that we are all facing.post #1553 of 221910/30/12 at 11:58amSorry for falling off the planet...
Skj- you handle this with such grace and I want you to know how sorry I am that you have to endure this... My best friend said something to me once, "I know that know one else better for this to happen to" it really was profound to hear thst she thinks I am and knows that I am thay strong.... You are stronger, wiser and it will be your time, I'm not sure why we have to travel this path... But we can get through this.... Xoxo my dear, take care of you
We are okay in Maine, windy took some trees down, but nothing we can't deal with, really it was mild compared to NY....thoughts and prayer to NJ, NY, and Mid east coast....
Afm I have my ultrasound tomorrow, still mild symptoms, noonday hurt, tired and cranky... Thank you for checking in...post #1554 of 221910/30/12 at 1:00pm
skj - thank you so much for your thoughtful response. really. thank you. that meant a lot to me.
i think you are right - just acknowledging the fears helps to tame them. thank you for referring to me as a mom to our animals. i feel silly sometimes thinking in those terms, but they really are our children. i think one of the most helpful things i have learned is to always reach for a better feeling thought. so while i might not be able to jump from feeling fearful to believing wholeheartedly that i will conceive and birth a healthy child... i can take incremental steps in my thinking to get to that place. it's so helpful to have you ladies. seriously, each of you make my gratitude list :)
greenmum - thanks for checking in... will be keeping a good thought for you tomorrow!post #1555 of 221910/30/12 at 1:54pmpost #1556 of 221910/30/12 at 8:00pm
Hoping GTree is okay, I know she posted last night her power was out but I know NJ got slammed. gtree, if you are out there, hoping you're safe ! Our power was out for 12 hours but were very lucky to avoid much damage otherwise.
indie- 1. yeah, called me, my own doctor, on my telephone. I couldn't believe it. He was patient and answered all my questions and he was... I don't know, just nice. It made me feel so much better because I was feeling a little wary that I should have just stayed where I was at. This whole process is so overwhelming and him calling me himself instead of playing phone tag with a nurse who placates me just felt so good (not that my nurse here as ever done that, just past experience). Also, maybe because I was just an IUI patient at my last office they didn't really care that much about me. Who knows. 2. I love that you put your list that you need to overcome. Everything you said is justified and I've certainly felt them myself. My biggest obstacle is believing my body can do this, it really struck a chord that your inner self is rolling your eyes at trying to believe you can do it. I feel that way all the time, like I'm faking myself out when I meditate and imagine things going how they are supposed to because I feel deep down that I'm lying to myself. It is such a mind f*ck. 3. I need to rent that movie. It is aways a good reminder to appreciate your husband. I do try to remember that even if we don't have children I would be happy with just my husband. I love him dearly, we have fun together, he makes me laugh, and we could move to St. Croix and I could snorkel every day. 4. I need to eat more avocados (read, any avocados)... which brings back to your point #2, I've given up hope so much that I eat like crap. I don't have it in me to make me eat healthy because I just don't think it makes difference. Blah, can you tell I'm feeling down?
Shelly- YAY for your consult! When are you going to update us? I never really have any questions of importance. I just google a lot and then chime in when I feel like I need to. If your doc knows your history they probably have a good idea of what their plan is already. I think you still have plenty of luck with your own eggs.
greenmum- hope you had a wonderful ultrasound. so exciting!
SKJ- how are you feeling? I'm glad you can be open and honest around your husband. It is hard to be honest with yourself and your emotions. You have done it before and you will do it again. It sounds like a really nice break to focus on getting better instead of being pumped up with drugs. Sounds like a welcome release.
Chrissy- hope your power is back soon & you haven't suffered too much damage from the storm.
AFM- I'm feeling down. My skin is a mess and I still keep getting cramps and then bleeding. Sometimes I feel positive and other times I just feel defeated. I wish I could believe it could happen this month but I don't. Alright... Off to sleep. We are fine storm wise, a little storm damage but nothing compared to the devastation in NY. I hope gtree is okay. My mom is in MD and she didn't even lose power (by Annapolis) but I know there were some areas looking bad down there. We lost power around 245 and got it back at 3am. Played UNO and Sorry! and listened to music on the ipad and took a nap. Uneventful. The wind was an amazing thing though. Tonight, more thunderstorms. Maybe that is what is getting me down, the dreary weather. Positive note, if my cycles go normally and we can start next month I'll be looking at retrieval and transfer right after new years. Happy 2013!post #1557 of 221910/31/12 at 5:11am
toothfairy - how exciting to catch the first of the new year eggs! i'm sorry you are feeling down but know that you will be on the upswing after getting past AF. it was so nice to see your response to my list... i hate that you are able to relate so well but at the same time it feels so comforting to know that you also feel like a fake at times and that you also question the dietary stuff... sometimes i feel like my lack of faith is exactly what is going to keep me from ever having a baby and that feels like even more unfair responsibility. like, what the hell, not only is my body not working right but also my mind and my faith... obviously, i'm doomed. but then i try to remind myself something i read a long time ago from anne lamott... the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. it's ok for me to have doubts. it won't ruin everything. i just need to keep moving forward. will you be on progesterone this cycle? that should help to ensure the cysts shrink...
shell - thinking about you and your consult! let us know how it goes!
chrissy - hope your power is back on!
gtree - hope you and dh and babies are safe and warm!
skj - don't you have another appointment today? keep us posted. hope this resolves quickly for you (or at least best suited for your work trip...)
afm - need to get stuff done! but i know i'll be checking back often anyway... :)post #1558 of 221910/31/12 at 7:11amGrr. Just a quick drive by from my phone. I told my business partner all about my IF struggles this week. During the conversation, he told me that a colleague of ours was finally pregnant after trying for a long time and that they had been considering ivf. She had always been weird when I talked about Maia, and I thought she didn't want kids. But, then it all made sense-she was dealing with IF just like I am. So, I reached out to her to apologize for any offensive/naive comments I may have made and to congratulate her. I told her of our struggles. Her response was 1) thanks, her dh is excited and she's hoping its a puppy (wtf??). 2) that she travels a lot and that they weren't really trying that long if you factor in all the cycles she was away from dh. That really minimized my feelings.
I feel like I got kicked in the gut. Nothing like spilling your guts out to someone who you think gets it, who at least wont admit she gets it. Strange. Guess I should have kept my mouth closed.post #1559 of 221910/31/12 at 8:37amI'm back...
Greenmum - Good luck today with your u/s! Can't wait to hear how things are going. I hope you can post a pic or two! And thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot.
Indie - It is totally 100% ok for you to have doubts. I think we all do. I know this month, if you look back at my posts, the day or two before the BFP, I was depressed and sure I was out. so, doubts do not affect the outcome. i think if you have nothing but fear and feeling like things are never going to work, that's when you get into trouble. But, being scared of them not working or not believing that they will work, those are totally normal feelings. And, even the fact that your are addressing them is helping you. In my opinion, wanting to change is the difference. It sucks so bad that any of us have to analyze these thoughts. Do you remember how your were feeling mentally when you got pregnant?
Chrissy - glad to hear you are ok. Are you still without power? Thinking of you.
TF - I'm so sorry you are feeling down. It sucks, but I'm glad you are getting it off your chest. I've been thinking of how nothing else in life is like IF - there is no other situation that I can think of that you get your hopes up time and time again and fail, month after month. It's so eroding on the soul. Keeping hope alive seems so futile, but that's all we have. It just sucks.
AFM - My elbow "pits" are covered in bruises. I'm so sick of getting stuck by needles. I decided to get a flu shot today to add to my pain
I've been thinking about the gratitude thing and I thought it could be helpful to list all the things that IF has given us that's positive. I think of how we are all going to be such amazing mothers because of our struggles. I like to tell myself that in some twisted way, I'm lucky for this journey. It makes the pain have more meaning. Anyways, just throwing that thought out there.
DD is going as a lion this year. I didn't get a pic of her, but here she is in a monkey hat insteadpost #1560 of 221910/31/12 at 8:48am
Indie, hi!!! So your list of things to work though could have previously been written by me. I shared each and every one of those thoughts and fears. You are meant to be a mother. I know in my heart that is true, and I know, just absolutely know, this is going to happen for you. I know it's easy for me to say, but I believe it so, so much!! I hope your massage on Friday is great, and super cl easing! I totally want to see that movie -- thanks for the rec!
Greenmum, please update on how the U/S goes!
Chrissy, hoping you having power back!
TF, glad you are safe from the storm, and that damage was minimal. I'm sorry you are feeling down . . . I have to wonder if a large part of it isn't just the path and process forward, which can feel overwhelming when you think of the whole IVF picture. Just take one day at a time, which I know is so easy to say -- I'm a worrier by nature, but I think in these instances it's the only way to get through with sanity. I always compartmentalize things when it gets to be too much. Hugs!! Here's to 2013!
SKJ, aww geez, what a terrible outcome. Here you thought you were confiding in a fellow IFer, and you were made to feel misunderstood. I'm so sorry. Well, we get it and we are always here!!
AFM, well, so oblige me a moment of concern, would you? So yesterday I was in the lab and I had to jump up to grab a box of something, and I jumped so high and then slammed down on my feet, not even thinking that maybe I shouldn't do such a thing while pregnant. I was trying not to make much of it, and then I had a very unfortunate conversation with my boss, which upset me. So I went home fuming, and trying to tell myself not to stress, don't be upset, not good for you, etc. Well then this morning I wake up with ZERO nausea. My breasts are still tender, but I feel so much more like myself. That completely freaks me out. I'm sure things are OK (right, right??) but the timing of events and symptoms has me worried. Please tell me something encouraging! I know it can be completely normal to have good days and bad days with nausea/morning sickness, but I was literally having nausea all day, so it's strange to me that it just completely stopped. OK thanks, freakout suspended until further notice.
ETA: SKJ, DD is such a sweetheart!!!
Edited by bebelove - 10/31/12 at 9:50am
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