Taking the Scenic Route...to a BFP - Page 89

[SKJ2011]

Indie - Totally phoning it in! What kind of work do you do? I'm sure you've mentioned it before but I forgot. I'm right there with you on holding on to hope and over-analyzing everything. My thought is, it hurts with or without hope when a cycle fails, so might as well have hope, right?

Oh gosh! DD has not gone number 2 in the potty yet, so I hope we don't have any poop flinging incidents. Yuck!

As for the whole delay your marriage/running into IF thing. We got married in 2003 and we decided that I needed to be done with my PhD before we started trying. I'm now kicking myself for that decision. And, my mom always told me that she got pregnant very easily, so I figured I'd be the same. Guess I was wrong.

Lucille - Good luck!!! Sounds promising.

Chrissy - How was your thanksgiving?

Bebe - Oh how I wish every weekend was 4 days long. How great would that be? 11 weeks!! You are so close to the second trimester. So exciting!

AFM - I had a moment yesterday where I thought I could be happy with just DD and maybe we should just stop trying. That is the FIRST time since June 2011 that I have had a thought like that. We had so much fun this weekend with DD. We were forced to hang out at home altogether due to the potty training. She was in a great mood and I just had so much fun with her. Maybe that's enough for us. I guess it's nice to know that I will be ok with whatever happens. DH has always only wanted 1 child, but agreed to another one b/c that's what I wanted. The cost and stress of trying for #2 is getting to me. It cost us nearly $400 just to monitor my HCG levels. It's just crazy. I'm not sure if all this means that we should take a break, or if we should keep moving forward and just set a limit, like 3 round of injectibles and that's that. This is a very foreign and unexpected place to find myself in. I think the second miscarriage just really got me thinking about how much more I really want to do this.

[jpack]

Indie and SKJ yes, I know just what you mean about the trying to make parallels between cycles that probably means nothing. I was doing the same thing - it seems like Vitex makes me spot a ton on both sided of AF, but you should have heard me when I realized that since I was on Vitex the two cycles of the m/cs I had all that spotting then, too. All of a sudden, two weeks from starting spotting to stopping was not so bad - in stead I was all hopeful. C'mon brain indeed! I think it's so true that your cycles don't reflect much. I had one in January that looked freakishly good. Like a smooth trough, big shift and rounded hill of highs. But nothing.

Shell excited to keep hearing the updates!

chrissy love to hear your thoughts on the sibling thoughts with DS. He's 4? Has he asked for a sibling? I try not to think about it too much, but I still do from time to time, and worry that DD is pretty secure being the only one. I'm just kinda curious what weighs on your mind about that.

Lucille very interesting! You couldn't keep me from my HPTs!

Bebe very cool about the tests, and funny about the gender. DH and I didn't want to know, but we had the tech write the gender down and put it in an envelope in case we were dying to know at the end. We never looked, and I was SHOCKED to have a girl! I was so 100% positive it was a boy. In retrospect, maybe I should have peeked mid labor because I could have used the boost!

AFM the HSG this morning was so no big deal. Almost no pain. The only bummer was that I didn't get to watch on the screen. But I took the doc's word for it that the tubes looked open and there appeared to be no obvious defects in the uterus. I'm not sure whether I should be waiting for any kind of report from the RE or what the rest of the cycle looks like. I'm still unclear why the HSG couldn't be done on a clomid cycle. I guess it's another low-key no meds cycle. Bleh. I mean, I'm all for "au naturale,"but am so in the mood to go all out, if you know what I mean. Thanks, everyone so much for the support - SO glad to have so much wisdom to tap!

[jpack]

SKJ  cross posted but wanted to say after my second m/c I just took two months off. I wanted to drink, and take my allergy medicine, and drink coffee with reckless abandon! I'm an only and I got to do a ton of great stuff and travel everywhere with my folks. There's a part of me that want's to give that to my DD, too. And I'm super close to my mother in a way that I probably couldn't be with a sibling. Since we're in a similar place - please don't take this as, like, it's no problem, enjoy the one you have! I hate that sh$t! But just wanted to say, it's great to find some nuggets of peace, anyway, and I'm right there with you.

[SKJ2011]

Jpack - Thank you so much. It always help to hear that deciding to have an only child isn't crazy. My DH is basically an only. He has a half sister who is 16 years younger than him. He never thought it was a bad thing. My parents are totally crazy (like, seriously) and I always loved having my two brothers to help me through some really rough times with my parents. But, my DD doesn't have crazy parents (I hope), so she doesn't need siblings the way I did. So, that relieves some of my concerns. And, part of me feels like the key to getting pregnant is to not try anymore. Anyways, I have a lot to think about. I think I'm to the point where I need to decide what level of intervention I'm willing to undergo and when.

So glad the HSG was easy-peasy. Sounds like that is consistent with open tubes. It sucks to not have a reason why things aren't working, but it's also good to know that all your anatomy is in order. As for not doing it on a clomid cycle, that seems weird to me too. I'm supposed to have a saline u/s next cycle while I'm doing injectibles. Not sure what the difference is.

[bebelove]

Chrissy, thanks for your vote of confidence! I hope so, too. How are you?

Lucille, how wonderful to feel at peace with everything. Update soon!

Indie, I hear you. What a waste. I'm just begging for patients to cancel or no-show. I just want to sit here and drink tea and write little messages to you guys!! I can't wait for the results, too. I am remarkably calm about the whole thing. That is, of course, until I get the call that the results are ready! Eek! So, I think your brain just knows what's possible. :) Every month is a real possibility. I am a total believer!

SKJ, I can only imagine what's it's like going through all of this with one child. I imagine I'd have moments of the same thought. I can't pretend to know what you're feeling, but I could see how you'd be conflicted. I think it's nice though that you're having these feelings -- maybe it will take some pressure off and in the end everything will work out just as it's meant to. It's so hard TTC with the weight of the world on our shoulders! As an aside, I was an only until I was 8 and I LOVED it. ;)

Jpack, that's funny about having your girl and being so sure it was a boy! I can't wait to find out! Yay for clear tubes!!!

AFM, just working, waiting for test results, looking forward to OB appt on 12/4! I told my nurse at work today, and she cried she was so happy for me. I told my MA too, and she jumped up and down. So nice to have that reaction. I'm sure that my boss is going to appear happy, but behind the scenes I know the scheming will begin . . . trust me on this.

Edited by bebelove - 11/26/12 at 2:13pm

[toothfairy2be]

bebe- It is so nice to hear that your co-workers are excited for you. Your boss can shove it for all I care... do you think they will start scheming to get you kicked out? You're an NP right? 

SKJ- Making the decision for yourself about whether to have happiness with one child vs being told that you are lucky to have the one you have is totally different. In all honesty I think that you are on your way to #2 and that you are right, coming to peace with whatever happens certainly helps to set your mind at ease and may help the process. Being happy with whatever life hands you is certainly an easier way to live! Also, I've never heard of potty training as 'FUN' so, you go girl... in 3 years when we are all in that boat you can make the rounds to show us how 'fun' it is!

jpack- what a relief that your HSG was easy. Do you have an appt to discuss your results with your doctor? Also, for what it is worth, my DH is an only as well and he never felt lacking for anything due to not having siblings. I think it is more the behavior of the parent, his parents decided they were only having one child, where as if they were disappointed for 20 years in only having one child when they wanted more I don't know how that would have impacted him. Getting to the point that you are okay with whatever the outcome is such a relief.

indie- Phoning it in couldn't be closer to the truth... just doing enough to get by and get to the end of the day. Christmas is getting more exciting because I will know by then when retrieval is going to be!!!!! SKJ worded it so nicely that you are sad regardless of being hopeful or not so you might as well be hopeful and keep a better attitude. You just never know, this could be it! When did they move your consult to with the new doctor? Did I mention I despise spotting? Super buzz kill. Also, don't beat yourself up about when you met and marrried and started TTC. I started TTC at 25 and it didn't do me a damn bit of good. I can't imagine waiting another 10 years would have made much difference. What matters is that when you bring your child into this world he or she (or he and she) will be loved and wanted and prepared for.

Chrissy- good to hear from you!

lucille- You have a strong will. I hope all those signs are good news!

AFM- BCPs. Not much to tell! I went back to yoga tonight and started acupuncture again yesterday. Also, I ate spinach and a banana today... so little improvements on my way to a BFP (right?!).

[gtree]

TF - I had a dream about you last night!  Apparently I stayed in your house while on vacation.

Bebe - I know all too well.  It is so exciting that you are spreading the news!

JPack - Glad your HSG wasn't bad!  Everything sounds very positive!

SKJ - I hope you find the answers you are looking for.  I have no idea what I would do in your shoes.

AFM - I read every day! Sometimes multiple times a day. Sorry I don't respond more!  Today I got a call that my TSH (?) levels were low again and this means I likely have an overactive thyroid.  1. I have never had overactive anything before  2. Isn't this supposed to make you skinny?  3.  I don't want to have to go to more doctors for more tests  4.  What does this mean?  

PS.  Remember right before I was starting the IVF, they found a nodule on my thyroid that was benign and no big deal? I was telling my nurse this when she called and she was like, Oh! You have a goiter?!  Excuse me, did you *notice* a goiter last time I was there? No I don't have  goiter.  geez.

[gtree]

Now I have read a lot on Google and am officially freaking out about my TSH level of .19 

[toothfairy2be]

Gtree- Well I'm not exactly in a 'vacation' area but if you ever want to tour historic Concord & Lexington, (Paul Revere's Ride, Revolutionary War) I live right down the street! That goes for any of you!
What are they going to do about your TSH? You gonna be stuck on levothyroxine like me?? Does it effect anything with your pregnancy?

[gtree]

TF - of course the nurse that called could not answer that question.  I am not sure what I could take while pregnant.  I'm trying to tell myself if it were alarming, they would have gotten me into see a doctor immediately.  

[toothfairy2be]

Well the levothyroxine I have to take until delivery so it must be safe!

[bebelove]

TF, oh believe me, my thoughts exactly all day (shove it!). Thanks for being supportive. Yep, I'm an NP. This is a second career for me  . . . sometimes I think I should have just kept my original career! Oh well, live and learn. Who knows where it will take me. I love my patients, and I feel like I really do right by them. Working in community health, especially at my clinic, has been an awesome learning experience in a lot of ways. Some of my NP friends have much more limited roles than I do, but in my clinic, I do the exact same job as a primary care doc, without any exception. So, needless to say, I've learned a lot and have been able to use my education to the maximum capability. I can see doing something very different in the future though. I'd definitely love to teach at the university level, which was definitely part of my motivation to change careers, but maybe before then dabbling in fertility medicine (and being a strong advocate for my IF patients!!). At any rate, who knows what my boss is thinking . . . I really don't care if she would lay me off, but since I'm under loan repayment, she'd have a harder time since my contract is through the government and they agreed to two years. So instead she just makes my life miserable. She's such a jealous, silly little person. Thankfully, I love most everyone else there and they love me! It just takes one bad seed though, especially when that bad seed is the boss! Yay for acupuncture and yoga -- you are on your way, girl!!

Gtree, ok, so feel free to tell me if you don't want me to "NP" you, but I'm wondering -- when your thyroid nodule was found to be benign, what were your thyroid function studies at that time -- were they normal? You said your TSH was off before? If it was normal, I will say that quite a few women develop overactive thyroids (hyperthyroidism, opposite of Toothfairy) due to the pregnancy, and then it resolves a little while after birth. I'm not sure, but I'm wondering if twins makes this more likely, especially if thyroid conditions exist in your family. At any rate, a TSH of .19 isn't too bad -- did they tell you what your Free T3 and Free T4 were? That would shed some light on just how hyper your thyroid is, and if medications would be required (there are medications during pregnancy that are considered rather safe, but if it's mild enough, you can usually just be monitored throughout pregnancy). I manage a lot of hypothyroid patients, but do have some experience in hyper too, so let me know if I can ever help answer questions! If I don't know it, I know where to find it! Please don't panic though . . . a very good friend of mine developed Graves disease (the most common form of hyperthyroidism) when she got pregnant and it completely resolved since then. Hang in there, hugs!!

[jpack]

Gtree- wish I knew anything about thyroid hormones, but I don't. I wish I could help! It sure sounds like bebe is a resource! So cool that you're an NP, bebe! (sorry- on my phone and looks like formatting isn't happening). TF I know youve been on them a bit, but I feel like it would be a weird throwback to be on BCPs, for me anyway! I remember some bad moodiness (I know, par for the course for hormones, and for being 20). More later - when I figure this mobil thing out!

[indie1976]

i will be back for personals later (so much to comment on!) but on the subject of thyroid stuff... 

just got back from pcp and

1. my thyroid peroxidase ab came back at 22. that is considered "normal" if it is under 34. but as far as miscarriage/ttc... is that ok? i thought that if you had antibodies present at all then it meant you were at a higher risk? bebe? toothfairy? thoughts?

2. my tsh was at 2.5, the doctor said he likes to get his patients to .5 because they "function better" at that range but he didn't want to treat me since i'm going to a reproductive endo and wants them to make the call (blah!)

3. he gave me prescription folate (deplin l-methylfolate)... he did a nice long explanation about mthfr and how not processing folate correctly leads to all sorts of issues. he felt i should still be on prescription folate even though my homocystine levels were in the good range. i guess that's not the only indicator... 

4. i'm not going on any meds for cardiovascular stuff since it is contraindicated for pregnancy but he did say continuing with fish oil and cutting down on carbs would be wise in the meantime.

ok, just had to get that stuff outta my head. will be back later!

[indie1976]

ok, i'm back.

skj - re: stopping at one child... i realize i am going to have to find peace with that possibility being as it is taking this long to get the first one. and i totally get the financial considerations... i feel that even now with all the money going towards ivf... i know it will be worth it but i can't help but to think am i trying to force something? how far should we be taking this? it's such a weird place for all of us... we have to think about so many things that so many women just don't have to consider. as for work... i do consulting/training for a large health care organization (mostly customer service related so that explains my exasperation with service and the medical field) and i'm also a marriage and family therapist (but i don't work with fellow infertiles because i'm pretty sure i'd spend our sessions crying along side them!). my goal was to have a full time private practice and do consulting/training on the side (flexible schedule perfect for raising babies!) but due to the possibility of multiple ivf cycles... that goal has reversed itself. what do you do? i know you work at a botanical garden and have a phd - super curious!

jpack - glad the hsg went well and there were no abnormalities! no idea why you couldn't do the hsg on a clomid cycle... maybe they didn't want to medicate you only to find out that you needed further intervention?

bebe - so cool having your NP wisdom to lean on!  very interesting info on thyroid and pregnancy. maybe you have some insight on my situation above? and that's great that you have such supportive coworkers. maybe your boss will get another job? one can hope...

gtree - hope you get more answers about the hyperthyroid situation... perhaps there will be an upside... like being super skinny soon after birth? :)

toothfairy - hoping you can give me some insight on my post above... enjoy your spinach and banana and getting poked by needles... it's all starting!

another afm - last night i had a dream that i was pregnant. i vividly felt the stretchy uterus cramps. the doctor's office wanted to do an early ultrasound to see how many sacs there were and i was nervous because i really just wanted to wait until i knew we'd see a heartbeat. it was nice to have such a vivid dream about pregnancy... makes me think my subconscious must still think it's possible...

[toothfairy2be]

Indie- I wish I had some insight. I can't even remember what my thyroid numbers were to be honest. I think I was having things totally confused after reading what bebe said. I thought you wanted them higher, not lower. For some reason I feel like I was at 2 but I don't know if that was TSH, T3 or T4. I know I am not hypothyroid but likely will be someday due to the antibodies. I know for a fact he did not tell me in numbers how high my antibody score was so I am no help there. Hopefully bebe will have answers for us. That really does stink about having to put your corporate job over your true passion. Hopefully when all of this passes you can get back to what your heart is interested in and maybe you will be a great listening ear to infertile women someday. We should have known you were a therapist, you're such a good listener and you always know the right things to say.

bebe- So can you explain what I am taking Levothyroxine for? Is it going to lower my TSH? Maybe that is where I am confused. I thought it increased my TSH (which is why I thought that is what they would give gtree). I'm not hypothyroid but he said something about the antibodies and that it could take many years for it to really have an effect on my thyroid function. It is all very strange to me since I am underweight... this is all so backwards, I would always have figured myself as hyperthyroid... not heading toward hypo. I just take the pill every morning like I'm told. Sigh.

It is so interesting hearing what you all do for work and getting a glimpse into your lives. That should be our question of the day. It has been a while since we have had one! Tell us about your work! My work is boring, I'm a dental hygienist at a 'state of the art' facility. I see 10-13 patients a day, my co-workers are awesome (though we call have our quirks), my boss is a cheat & totally financially driven, but for the most part he isn't so bad to work for (ask me this when it isn't my day off and I might tell a different story!). I really like what I do even though I have submit to the reality that my patients are probably never going to floss, show up on time, or follow through on most of my recommendations. Makes expectations a little more reasonable. 

AFM- So I am spotting and I have only been on BCPs for a week. It is really weird. I know they said spotting is normal but this early?? Gtree- advice? Also gtree- how many days did you stim for? I am trying to get a timeline for what to expect. They told me 7-10 days but they also said I could expect a 3 or 5 day transfer but didnt mention that only 10% of women have 5 day transfers.

[SKJ2011]

So much to respond to! Here goes...

TF - Sorry about the spotting. I hate spotting. Hate it. It just messes with my mind. I'm glad they said it's to be expected, but it still sucks. How long are you on the BCPs? And, I'm a bad flosser. I have terrible teeth. I try so hard to go to the dentist every 6 months to stay on top of it. Last time I was there was right after my m/c and the hygienist I saw gave me this huge, condescending lecture that left me in tears. It was horrible. Needless to say, I need to find a new dentist. Know anyone in Chicago?

Indie - Thanks for sharing your job And, like TF said, we should not be surprised at all that you are a therapist. I really hope you get to return to your passion as soon as this whole IF things is over and done with and you have your perfect baby(s).

I have a PhD in environmental engineering and do work in natural resource conservation. I build decision support tools to help land managers determine how best to manage their lands for things like invasive species. I sit at a computer all day and do computer programming and am on a ton of conference calls with collaborators and clients at different government agencies. Sometimes I love my job, other times, I'm bored to tears

I'm so happy you had that dream! I dream of having that dream. I think it's a great sign. I had the opposite dream last night. I dreamt I had some procedure done by the RE and he was explaining all the things that were wrong with me.

Bebe - you are awesome. It's so great to have someone with so much medical knowledge.

gtree - I hope you get some answers soon. Sounds not too seriously based on what Bebe said, thankfully.

AFM - man, my emotions are all over the place. I was almost convinced last night that I'm done actively trying for #2. Then, I woke up so down this morning about the whole IF thing. I'm going to blame my mood swings on the crinone.

I take Wednesdays off to spend with my DD. We had a great morning going to the library and Spanish. She has been accident free since Saturday, but our little journey out of the house ended up with a full pull-up. So, still getting the hang of this whole potty training thing.

I'm 8 or 9 DPO today. Traveling for work the next two days and will probably test on Sunday, which will be 12/13 DPO. I think by then I will have a definite answer for this cycle. Not sure what we are going to do next month. I can't make up my mind.

[indie1976]

tf - this hypo/hyper thyroid business IS confusing. maybe bebe can give us an inservice... (bebe? pleeeease?)

i would totally be one of your frustrating patients who didn't do what she was told and then would show up later with another cavity. i'm terrible. really. just awful.

yes, maybe one day i will be of help to women dealing with infertility. but not now. i know my limits and i think i'd get totally lost in empathy and commiserating! it has taken me awhile to adjust to the idea of career plans changing but now i can see the benefit to not doing therapy full time. while i love doing it and feel it is a natural fit for me, it can be kind of lonely if that is the only kind of work you do. you can't come home at the end of the day and tell anecdotes or process your day with your husband or friends like you can do in other professions without either worrying about violating privacy or having someone think you are violating privacy. i guess it's probably the same for you and bebe... though you have more of a coworker dynamic that probably helps to keep your work from getting too isolating.

as you can see, i'm doing lots of rationalizing to be ok with this turn of events ;-)

i do love the question of the day getting started up again! looking to hearing from the rest of you!

[indie1976]

skj - we cross posted... i hate those condescending lectures! they make me feel so bad! it's probably why i don't go to the dentist as often as i should. i actually went to a friends' husband who is a dentist and i put down on the intake forms "don't lecture me". he thought that was hilarious but i was super serious. we need toothfairy. what a fascinating job you have! years ago i did marketing for an architecture firm and we did some work with environmental engineers... but that's the extent of my knowledge of what you do! it sounds so... smart. :)

i'll be interested to hear what you decide for next cycle (hoping against hope the decision will be made for you!)

[Shell77]

Hi ya'll ... WOW so much going on... i don't know where to start . hmmmmm

Gtree: I hate it when nurses call with test results then know nothing at all about what to do!! Sorry :-(

SKJ: I have thought so many times... I am hapy with my 2 DD... WHY? am i doing this to myself?? but then I think about DH and he has none (other than he is a awesome stepdaddy) and I just have to make this happen for us!!.... my mid teeter tawted back and forth for a long time..

Bebe: 6 more days till your sono!!! I am so excited!!!

TF :  UGH all these injections are making me bloat.. I look pregnant ... Get ready!!  I didn't know that about the 5 day transfer... That is what I really want!!

Indie: I know nothing on thyroids except that they keep testing mine and they say its ok... maybe I should ask for my numbers...

QOD : I am a Dental Hygentist also... and also a Surgical RDA for a maxo facial surgeon... I do both :-) I used to be a para legal and decided that I hate Lawyers lol....I love my job , but the down side (other than the surgeon is a ass) is that we deal with a lot of cancer patients .. and its disfiguring so it's very heartbreaking :-( ... My DH is the office manager / CPA at the practice. I love that we work together.

AFM: well i am on day 4 of my injections and SO BLOATED!  everything is getting very uncomfortable , I have my Sono / lab scheduled for Friday at 2:45 I am so excited to see how many eggs I have in my basket lol .... I also am having terrible heartburn!! Gtree did you get heartburn while going through IVF?  I wish I knew why I am getting it so frequently, I really need to start eating healthier... I have been working so much latley I just don't have the energy to cook... so its been pick up and take home food for most of it.... then I am just hungry all the time... I am so fat and bloated... I am used to be a little skinny girl , now I feel I look like a little chubby ewok. haha I know i have gained at least 50 lbs this year alone ;-/ UGH  ( ok sorry for my ranting)