Taking the Scenic Route...to a BFP - Page 100

[Shell77]

I am sitting in my office at work... with the door closed , Bawling my eyes out!! I wish i could escape through the window.. I don't want to see anyone... and my poor DH is out there dealing with Patients, and I haven't even been able to tell him!! I am sure he has some clue cause I have been in here the last 54 minutes... I can't believe this happened!! I mean I guess I wasn't promised anything...  I want to wake up from this horrible nightmare!! I am so sad ..so so so very sad

[SilaMarila]

Shit.

SKJ - Hang in there. Take care of yourself. We're here for you. I'm not sure what else to say. I want to be hopeful for you but I know how terrible it feels when others are hopeful and you know in your heart it's over and I don't want you to feel that way.

Shell - I'm so sorry. From what I know when there is 0 fertilization it's often a previously undiagnosed egg quality issue. This is so unfair.

To add to the suckfest, I still haven't ovulated. Day 22.

[SilaMarila]

Oh Shell, tell him. I want him to come in and hug you tight.

[jpack]

Oh, ladies, I am so, so, so sorry! I'm just so sad for you both... There are no words that suffice. I'm just do sorry. I'm not giving up, SKJ, like Indie. But it doesn't mean I don't feel so sorry for your loss, I'm so so sorry that you have to suffer through this.
Shell, I cant imagine the pain of your loss after all that money and work and sacrifice. I am just so sorry. I don't know what to say, except that I hope there is something that brings you peace, like exercise or chocolate or... that might be a source of solace. Sending big hugs to you both... I'm so so sorry... For what it's worth, if it's helpful, please do share your feelings.

[jpack]

Sila, x-posted, so sorry about no o!

[bebelove]

Oh my gosh . . . I feel so sad for you both. My heart hurts for both of you, but please, neither of you give up hope yet! I know that's truly impossible, so I will keep the hope for you and pray, cross fingers/toes, and just beg for this to work out for both of you.

SKJ, this sucks... and all the waiting is horrible. You must still be in the game though -- do they want to do repeat betas, or other tests? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm here for you.

Shell, oh my. I'm so sorry. I am praying in every way that that little one develops! I can only imagine your worry and heartbreak. Please keep us posted, and know that I'm here for you, too.

[SKJ2011]

Thanks Sila and Jpack. I started cramping this afternoon. I'm just sure this isn't going to work out. The doc wants me to keep up with the progesterone until Thursday, but I'm not sure I want to. My progesterone had dropped today too. I'd rather mourn now than have false hope since my past experience tells me this won't end well. I just wish I knew why this was happening. And, I'm pissed at my stupid doctor for not running any repeat pregnancy loss tests. What if this was avoidable? And, what if it wasn't? Then what ? Do I just keep trying until 1 sticks? I don't think I could do that. Except for this last time, it' hasn't been especially easy to get pg. The first took 10 months and the second 7. So, do I really want to struggle to get pregnant only to have this happen again. I'm just thinking out loud here. I know I don't have to decide anything today, but when do I accept that the universe doesn't want me to have a second baby?

[Shell77]

I have to pee.... I don't wanna see anyone in the office So I am stuck in here!!!  , and i spent 20,000.00 for NOTHING!! NOTHING!! NOTHING @(#U@*Y$*$ I am just so upset ... I need to vent!! I didn't even get the opportunity to at least think I was pregnant!! I didn't even get to POAS ... I didn't even get to do the egg transfer!! .... I have gotten Fat, and miserable all for NOTHING!! I have a cute little onsie at home... pictures of a nursery all over my spare bedroom walls.. It's all gone now :-( down the tube... My dream of having a baby is gone!! I don't have another 20,000.00 to spend!! I mean ... crap JUST CRAP... and of course I will have the stupid people tell me that if it was meant to be it would happen... UGH I hate people... I hate everything....... It's not FAIR!!! it's not fair that SKJ has to go through this 2 times in a row!!! it's not fair that we just can't have a baby , when all we want to do is give a baby LOVE ... when there are so many people in this world that have babies only to abuse them... WHY?? what is the meaning behind it?? Why if it's not MEANT TO BE FOR ME why for someone that is say in prison for murder? or a 15 year old child? I wish someone could just tell me that!! WHY?? I just want one answer...  I just want to SCREAM!! I just don't understand... I just want a baby to LOVE and raise to to grow up to be a wonderful human being with morales and values... and awesome parents!!   I am sorry .. i am so sad ... so sad ... I just can't even imagine going through this again....

[Shell77]

This is way worse than a IUI not working... way worse!!!!!

[bebelove]

Shell, I am deeply sorry. The whole thing is total crap and completely unfair!!!! I wish someone could tell us why, too. This is just awful, and I wish more than anything that I could take away your pain. This is the biggest fear with IVF, I think one that we all can share, and it's beyond unfair and completely sucks. I am still keeping hope for you that you will get a call tomorrow that tells you the egg fertilized and is ready for transfer -- I will not lose that hope for you and will continue to pray for this outcome.

[toothfairy2be]

Shell & SKJ- I'm so sad to hear both of your reports today. I know there are no words, just know I'm thinking of you and praying for whatever comes of this.

What a terrible day.

[Shell77]

I I had to do it all over again... I would NOT do IVF... not until I at least had medical insurance that would pay for it...

[SKJ2011]

Shell, I'm just so sorry and pissed off for you. It sucks so bad to have this news in the first place, but add to that the cost of it all, it's just so unfair. I wish I could give you and iRL hug. Life is so unfair sometimes.

[Shell77]

I am sorry SKJ that you are going through the pain again :-(  .... I am sorry i have been so negative on here... i am so MAD and sad it's unreal!! My poor Dh is remaining positive and holding out hope... I love him so much.... It kills me that I can't give him a baby... I am going to ask my RE tomorrow if anyone has any donated embryos we could have ... or buy or adopt or whatever you do with donated embryos ??  I mean it can't hurt to ask right...   I think in my gut I knew i should have used a egg donor... I just want to kick myself in the butt for not going with my gut ... UGH ,,,, well I guess I got my "oh, Well" instead of my "what if"

[SilaMarila]

Shell - I'm still so sorry. I wish there was a guaranteed way to make this work for all of this. You have every right to be angry. Let it out. I've done a lot of research on embryo adoption. It's something I want to do at some point, but we aren't quite there yet. But I've researched it anyways...

SKJ - I'm pissed your Dr didn't do the RPL work up too. Had you requested it and he said no? I had no problem getting mine after 2 losses so I'm mad for you and madder if that was the case. Same here. Not only does it take me forever to get pregnant, I finally do and it fails. 25 months of trying, 7 months ttc the 1st loss, then another 15 months until I finally got pg and lost it again.

[MsDolphin]

Ladies, sorry to hear the sad news! 

[indie1976]

hi my friends.

how is everyone holding up today? i feel like our sweet little thread just got punched in the stomach. it just doesn't make sense.

shell - i know someone posted recently on the IF forum about putting their embryos up for adoption. Then a moderator edited the post very quickly since mdc doesn't allow people to post those kinds of posts... all that to say, i think there is a very good possibility for you to do embryo adoption and from what i understand the cost associated with a FET cycle is way, way less than a fresh cycle. i know there are other options out there for you, including the option of a natural pregnancy occuring sometime in the next few months... nothing pushes us to finding options like feeling like we are out of them. take time to grieve and mother yourself and we will be here to help you process next steps.

skj - once again, the medical profession just doesn't get it. i hate that you had to go through this again in order to "qualify" for RPL testing. i have to admit, i'm feeling very confused by this turn of events. i really, truly thought this was going to work out. i really, truly thought that your dreams were evidence of this working out. i guess i just don't know what to believe or think right now. i'm just so, so sad that you have to face this once again.

this is just a shitty time of year to be dealing with this much loss and sadness.

sila - i'm sorry about no O.

toothfairy and jpack - you are our great hopes at the moment. no pressure. let us know how you are doing.

gtree and bebe - hope you two are well.

[SKJ2011]

Thanks indie. I'm trying to figure it out too. My progesterone was down to 12, so I really don't see this working out. I've been googling and there does not seem to be a link bt low amh and recurrent loss. There is a link with endo. I really hope the new doc is willing to do a full work-up to see what is going on. Most of what I've read is that it's just really bad luck. My personal thought is that my hormones are out of whack and that the progesterone supplements are just a bandaid and not getting to the root of the problem. I wish it was already Friday.

I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. How do you stop trying? Is it even possible?

[indie1976]

I think the only way you can truly stop trying is to purposefully go on birth control pills. I know that is what Chrissy did after experiencing so many losses prior to having her ds. She told us she went on bc for I think a year?

I think there is something to your theory about hormones being "out of whack". That would explain your acupuncturist telling you both times that your chart did not look good for pregnancy. Maybe you set a deadline in your head of when you start trying again (like sometime in spring?) and in the meantime get your RPL workup and give your acupuncturist the time she wanted from you to work on your hormones? I don't know. There are so many directions you could go, it's hard to say what the best or "right" one is... as far as what to be tested for... have you been tested for mthfr mutations, tsh, or thyroid antibodies?

[SKJ2011]

I've been tested for nothing. I was just scouring mdc (and stumbled upon pics of sila - girl! You are one hot mama!!!) and there was a post by blueeyes from the ivf thread. She said her doc told her that these issues that you mention can show up anytime. So, just bc I was able to have dd without issue doesn't mean that I have nothing wrong. This is really making me angry at my current doc. I even asked him if I could do baby aspirin and he said no. Mind you, I had a dvt post-acl surgery, so I do have a history of clots.