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Ever get an expensive present you hated?

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 

This is just a vent because I realize there's nothing I can do about it. Since I have no confidantes I felt a need to vent it somewhere. I know this is going to make me look shallow and low and I should anonymize it. This is a huge whine fest over nothing so you've been warned. No snarkiness please... I am anything but superficial.

 

So my dh got me a really expensive necklace for valentine's day/birthday. It was the day before when he went out grocery shopping and they have a jeweler attached inside. I had already told him to PLEASE do nothing for valentines. I was not being coy. I am just so over buying a card every month for something so silly after more than a decade. It wears me out and he usually forgets anyway. Well, that day we (I) had an argument because he is never around etc etc so he went out and bought this. Now keep in mind we are dirt poor but he lives like we are not. I'm scrounging for coupons and trading clothes for food while he shops. HOW I don't know because he makes pretty much next to nothing.

 

I would have been happy to have gotten the $500 in cash and put it on my maxed out credit card.. or to hire a teacher for our disabled child.. or put it in savings or to take me for a trip somewhere and go camping or sightseeing whatever. And to be honest I would have been happy with a cheaper $100 necklace with a heart or mom on it. I always dreamed of someone buying me a necklace with the word mom on it.. of course he never hears what I like or want.

 

This necklace.. is the ugliest thing I have ever seen in my life. It looks like it came out of a cracker jack box. I know I'm mean but I don't understand why this makes me so livid. It's a blob of two squares put together with diamond dust around and one in the middle. When I say blob it's like the jewelery maker didn't care enough to even try to make a shape and just squooshed it down. It says only 1/5th ct and they were trying to sell it for $1200 which to me sounds silly. It came with the necklace that wraps your hair up in it and pulls it out. I'm not sure what you call it.. snake? But it's super painful and I don't have much hair left!

 

I tried to tell him it's too much but he's like naw you deserve it.. well yes, maybe I do.. I do everything around here.. but it's so dang ugly it makes me want to cry. I haven't even taken it out of the case. He said they were two circles... You know it might not be so ugly if it looked like I got it at the olympics but no it's squares. Did he even look? How could he not know. And here is a problem with him. He lies constantly.. about every single thing he does. He honestly doesn't understand why it's wrong either. It's frustrating.

 

I do NOT want this ugly necklace and I do not want it yanking my hair out! I guess I'm mad because.. this is what he thinks of me? That I'm so ugly only the nastiest ugliest thing he could find would do? Like.. I don't even know of anything uglier that could possibly be at a jewelry store.

 

he just cannot have anything in his pocket. I think he got his tax return but he won't even tell me that anymore. It's not like I ever take a dime from him. I never get anything for myself and I buy his clothes with my own earned income and things he needs.

 

I am just so emotionally distressed over something that is a bygone.. nothing I can do about it. I should just let it go but it like makes my chest tighten. I would LOVE to take it back and have said everything to try to convince him but he won't let me and hid the receipt even. (yes he really bought it for that much where he said he did)

 

We need a new couch badly, a new bed.. I can't even walk in the morning I'm in such pain.. we NEED many things.. but not a crappy necklace.

 

I know in general he makes me extremely unhappy and has no regards for my feelings. And I'm sure this is his way of saying sorry and taking off feeling better about himself but it doesn't work for me. When I cry that he hurts my feelings he goes and buys me a candy bar or dinner and goes off to do his own thing for me to wallow in my pity food. I've gained a lot of weight suffice to say.

 

Man.. I just keep thinking.. $500! I could have bought new underwear even! or a new shirt or I haven't had a new pair of shoes in 3 years... how about a house payment??? *sigh* I cannot explain how atrociously ugly this thing is. I'm not a pretty girl and I feel like it's a blinking blob of light to look here at how even uglier this person is attached to me!

post #2 of 20

Aw, that sucks on so many levels:-(

post #3 of 20
Why are you with him again?
post #4 of 20

Return it and save the money for a leaving-him fund?

 

You sound so unhappy, i'm sorry. :(

 

I would definitely return it though.  Keep the money, do something more useful with it - unmax the credit card or pay for something you really need.  Turn it into a happy gift.  If he asks be honest - you returned it because you wanted something else (you could chose to add or not add "you would know more what i needed/wanted if you LISTENED to me").  Don't hide your feelings.  You deserve more than that.

post #5 of 20
Bring it without the receipt to the jewelry store. They might take it back. At the very least, you can probably exchange it for something you do like - the mom necklace, or something.
But, to me, this sounds symbolic of a bigger issue. You sound overwhelmed with a pain condition, financial worries, disabled child, etc. Our city has free counseling available. Yours might, too. Maybe a therapist could help you sort through some of these issues and get to a better place. I hope things get better for you quickly.
And, if it makes you feel better, my spouse gave me dead flowers once. Not a dried arrangement, but, wilted, moldy flowers. I tried, and failed, to not see symbolism in that! But, sometimes, men are just clueless!
post #6 of 20

Aww, how sad. It totally makes sense that you're upset.

 

If you can't return it to the store, maybe you can pawn it or sell it. Your husband's feelings might be hurt, but... don't worry about that. Not this time, at least.

post #7 of 20

:(  Hugs to you.  That totally sucks and I would be super pissed too.  I would definitely try to return it.

post #8 of 20
hug.gif That stinks. Really, I don't think you're being shallow, I think this is symbolic of a much larger issue, and you have nothing but sympathy from me. I do think many guys are clueless when it comes to gifts & especially jewelry. And I've gotten my share of icky (but fortunately not that costly!) jewelry. In the best of times it's just mildly annoying or even cute... but when times are tough, financially, maritally, and otherwise... it just feels like the last straw. I get it, I really do.

Anyway, I would try to find the receipt & return it or exchange it, or sell it (who knows, maybe you can get the $1200 they were originally trying to sell it for, and come out ahead!) and I would try to get into marital counseling ASAP...
post #9 of 20

I totally, totally understand. 

post #10 of 20

you know i can relate to your dh. 

 

he wanted to get something for YOU. just you. not for the house or the family. i mean take yourself out of the situation. 

 

if a dh gave a mama here a bed for valentines day do you think it would go over well? not for me. i would be so disappointed. or even a couch. and seriously underwear (i mean regular, everyday uw) or a new shirt sounds so 'boring'. 

 

it is sad that he does not have taste. 

 

i think what is going on here is it seems you prefer practical gifts and he likes to give gifts that are just for the person. so i think both you guys have different definition of gifts. i recall my parents were like that. it was so hard to buy for my dad. he wanted nothing and was happy with underwear and socks. and i am like - meh he could buy them himself. i prefer buying fun 'treat' kinda bday present - something of beauty to inspire the person, rather than just an underwear. or money. 

 

so here is my thing. 

 

i think you guys are under a lot of pressure. you definitely sound very unhappy. it seems like this present was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

 

i would say perhaps your dh is trying to say how important you are to him by buying something so frivolous.

 

you guys are talking two different languages here. and neither of  you are getting heard. 

 

you guys both need to work on yourselves individually so that when you guys do talk, you dont come across accusatory.

 

honestly you have to have this conversation with HIM, not US (I mean yeah its ok to vent, but to take some pressure off he needs to hear this). he NEEDS to know how you feel. and YOU need to HEAR where he is coming from. 

 

does he know how much pain you are in in the morning and what is causing it? or do you expect him to notice it?

post #11 of 20
I can totally relate to this. My ex husband got me the ugliest ring with a stone I had always hated and a matching necklace even though I never wore or expressed any interest in necklaces. He was also a heavy spender and would always have something new despite numerous conversations about making sure we had food for our child first. The jewelry became a symbol if how much he truly didn't care. I used to get so mad just seeing them on my shelf.

I don't think you are shallow for being upset about the necklace. I think it was shallow of him to ignore the family's needs to get you a present as an afterthought. I hope you guys can find a way to get a handle on the money issues together because they really can do a lot of damage to a relationship.
post #12 of 20

Um, yeah, why are you with this guy?  

post #13 of 20

I think it you weren't already angry about other things the necklace might not seem so ugly, and of course it wouldn't make you so very angry.  So try to focus less on the appearance of the necklace.  I seriously doubt it reflects what he thinks about your appearance.  More likely he just doesn't have much of a clue about choosing jewelry. Your own words demonstrate you have a really low opinion of your appearance, and that is so sad.  hug.gif 

 

You should put it away for a while.  You could try to return it for another necklace you'd like better.  Or at least get a strand that doesn't pinch and pull your hair.  Or pawn it.  Is it possible your dh wouldn't notice it gone anyway?  I think best is to just put it out of site for a while. 

 

I disagree with Meemee, that you should have THIS exact conversation with your dh.  You said upfront that this post is a vent.  Without that context, yes, you do come across as pretty shallow!  orngtongue.gif  He'd think you were whining and that just wouldn't be helpful.  But you, both of you, do need to focus on the other issues you described here. 

 

Take a deep breath, don't take this pendant personally.

 

 

post #14 of 20

Yes, I would be furious at a $500 necklace when we had so many NEEDS going unaddressed.

 

That wouldn't make me feel loved or respected... that would make me feel awful. A stupid necklace when our family is having such a hard time. I would wonder how greedy and shallow he thought I was? If he really thought I could wear the stupid thing without feeling the dual emotions of shame and fury that he put me in that position?

 

If he really wanted to get something impractical just for you, just to say he loved you, why not... a box of chocolates? A single long stemmed red rose?

 

I would, in a heartbeat, return it or pawn it if necessary. If his feelings were hurt, well, I don't think I could muster the feelings to care.

 

You simply do not take from the family just so you can feel smug that you got your wife an expensive bauble.

 

This gift was about HIM and not you, clearly. Not a very nice gift.

 

Who would enjoy such a thing at such a cost? Really?

post #15 of 20


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by babygirlie View Post

 

And to be honest I would have been happy with a cheaper $100 necklace with a heart or mom on it. I always dreamed of someone buying me a necklace with the word mom on it.. of course he never hears what I like or want.

 

....

I tried to tell him it's too much but he's like naw you deserve it.. well yes, maybe I do.. I do everything around here......

 

He lies constantly.. about every single thing he does. He honestly doesn't understand why it's wrong either. It's frustrating.

 

...he just cannot have anything in his pocket. I think he got his tax return but he won't even tell me that anymore. It's not like I ever take a dime from him. I never get anything for myself and I buy his clothes with my own earned income and things he needs.

 

..... I would LOVE to take it back and have said everything to try to convince him but he won't let me and hid the receipt even. (yes he really bought it for that much where he said he did)

 

...I know in general he makes me extremely unhappy and has no regards for my feelings

 


 

You deserve so much more. You can have a better life. Believe that you deserve it, and then start by taking care of yourself instead of him.   grouphug.gif

 

post #16 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post

Yes, I would be furious at a $500 necklace when we had so many NEEDS going unaddressed.

That wouldn't make me feel loved or respected... that would make me feel awful. A stupid necklace when our family is having such a hard time. I would wonder how greedy and shallow he thought I was? If he really thought I could wear the stupid thing without feeling the dual emotions of shame and fury that he put me in that position?

If he really wanted to get something impractical just for you, just to say he loved you, why not... a box of chocolates? A single long stemmed red rose?

I would, in a heartbeat, return it or pawn it if necessary. If his feelings were hurt, well, I don't think I could muster the feelings to care.

You simply do not take from the family just so you can feel smug that you got your wife an expensive bauble.

This gift was about HIM and not you, clearly. Not a very nice gift.

Who would enjoy such a thing at such a cost? Really?

My thoughts exactly. The bolded is especially true.
post #17 of 20

I am truly sorry.  Your feelings are valid and I would be livid if I were the receiver in the situation you described in the OP.  hug2.gif


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by K1329 View Post

Bring it without the receipt to the jewelry store. They might take it back. At the very least, you can probably exchange it for something you do like - the mom necklace, or something.
But, to me, this sounds symbolic of a bigger issue. You sound overwhelmed with a pain condition, financial worries, disabled child, etc. Our city has free counseling available. Yours might, too. Maybe a therapist could help you sort through some of these issues and get to a better place. I hope things get better for you quickly.


This.
 

post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

I think it you weren't already angry about other things the necklace might not seem so ugly, and of course it wouldn't make you so very angry.  So try to focus less on the appearance of the necklace.  I seriously doubt it reflects what he thinks about your appearance.  More likely he just doesn't have much of a clue about choosing jewelry. Your own words demonstrate you have a really low opinion of your appearance, and that is so sad.  hug.gif 

 

You should put it away for a while.  You could try to return it for another necklace you'd like better.  Or at least get a strand that doesn't pinch and pull your hair.  Or pawn it.  Is it possible your dh wouldn't notice it gone anyway?  I think best is to just put it out of site for a while. 

 

I disagree with Meemee, that you should have THIS exact conversation with your dh.  You said upfront that this post is a vent.  Without that context, yes, you do come across as pretty shallow!  orngtongue.gif  He'd think you were whining and that just wouldn't be helpful.  But you, both of you, do need to focus on the other issues you described here. 

 

Take a deep breath, don't take this pendant personally.

 

 


yeahthat.gif I'm sorry hun. I'd be really upset, too. hug2.gif

 

post #19 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

I disagree with Meemee, that you should have THIS exact conversation with your dh.  You said upfront that this post is a vent.  Without that context, yes, you do come across as pretty shallow!  orngtongue.gif  He'd think you were whining and that just wouldn't be helpful.  But you, both of you, do need to focus on the other issues you described here. 

no i didnt mean this EXACT conversation. but this is what he needs to hear eventually dont you think? it seems like no one is talking to each other and no one's feelings get heard. 

 

OP is upset. what i want her to think about - is this really how she sees her husband? a lying selfish guy - or is that her anger talking? 

 

something needs to happen between them. its like a timebomb waiting to burst. and if it goes on its going to burst in a HUGE ugly way - where even if she wanted to save the marriage that might not happen. 

 

she is holding too much frustration in. 

 

as much as she comes here and vents, she needs to move towards where she is able to express her feelings to her husband on this subject. 

 

or decide this is the end. she is done and move on. 

post #20 of 20

My exhusband bought me some expensive earrings for like 250 one christmas that I HATED- for one- I did not need fancy jewelry I was a SAHM who never went anywhere but to the grocery store lol.  Two- We were struggling at that time financially and that 250 would put me behind on our bills for like 3 to 6 months.  NOT worth the earrings.

Looking back  should have been nicer about it but it was totally irresponsible and spoke to the fact that he did not care about our finances.

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