So this is my second pregnancy and I'm married to this ones dad, but I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship. My husband and son get along better then my son does with his bio dad, they're best friends but now that i'm pregnant again after trying for over 5 years we're all very excited but I don't want my 10y.o feeling left out or like we're giving things to the baby that he never got. How have other parents coped with this situtation..
Don't want my child left out..
I'm in a similar boat... 10 year old son, 7 year old daughter and new baby girl with second husband. One thing we did that was a big hit was I got a baby name book and we put it in the bathroom with a pen. Everyone put their first initial next to names they liked, and we told the kids we'd consider names they like.
Where we live, there's a cannon that goes off at 9PM every night in a park, so we went to the park when I was 7 months pregnant and everyone put a hand on my abdomen to feel if the baby startled when the gun went off (she did). I don't know if there's anything like that in your area, but it was a fun thing to do.
My kids made a birthday cake on the baby's birthday, and we sang happy birthday... they thought that was a lot of fun. Another option would be to let him pick out a cake if you're not a baker (I got an ice cream cake ahead of time for my 1st daughter's birth, that was exciting for DS too)
Let him use the camera lots, or buy/borrow/get a second camera for him... my kids love taking pictures of the baby (and other stuff) If the camera has a little movie option, all the better. Foil helium balloons, 10 year olds like them and babies like them. DD is 2 months old and her first big belly laugh was at her balloon. DS likes putting the ribbon in her hand so she can hold it. He's done experiments with his own balloon.
DS hasn't asked if he had this piece of baby gear or that, so that might not be an issue... maybe when the baby is older. I did show him lots of pictures of when he was a baby and he knows that I took care of him the same way I'm taking care of his sister now. I was pretty worried about how things would go, but honestly the worst part was at the very end of pregnancy when we were in hurry-up-and-wait mode. There's been no jealousy and the only sort of negative thing he's said is that it bugs him when she cries, and it seems more like it bothers him that she's upset than he finds the noise annoying, so that's not really bad.
He really wanted her to be a boy and said he wouldn't hold the baby if it was a girl, but he forgot all about that when he saw her. They both want to come say hello in the morning as soon as they hear that she's awake, they both hold her every chance they get and they like her to come in and say goodnight to them at bed time.
Your kids are going to be so far apart in age that there is not the same kind of comparison that might happen when they were closer. There is a lot of stuff that he wants and gets to do because he is 10, and lots of stuff the baby needs because s/he is a baby. I honestly don't think kids spend a heck of a lot of time reflecting on their past childhood and comparing it to their sibling's. I know my kids sure don't... they make plenty of comparisons about the here and now-- my step-daughter, for example, is at Disney Land with my husband this weekend and my 7-year-old can hardly STAND the unfairness of it, even though a year ago he and I went to Disney World together on our own special trip. So even if you did everything exactly the same for the two kids, you'd probably still be dealing with perceived fairness issues.
That said, one of the things all our kids LOVE is hearing stories about when they were babies, looking at pictures from when they were little, and hearing about things that were the same. They love knowing that all four of them slept in the same crib as infants, they love seeing their younger siblings in an outfit and having me tell about some memory of buying it originally for one of the older ones. If we have a baby shower, they love hearing about parties or baby showers from when they were born. AND, they love hearing what was unique and different for them vs. their siblings and stories about things that happened just to them.