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90 Days

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

That's the amount of time that has passed since I left the house.

 

My husband has his own business - home (farm) based for the most part, but he does have to travel throughout the week. Three months ago he started having issues with his vehicle, so he started using mine to run the business. He now does all the shopping and "away from home" errands when he is going to be out and about, so I don't even get that anymore.

 

I used to go everywhere with him, I used to play a giant role in the business (something that I have loved to do my entire life) and I used to be happy.

 

He works 7 days a week, but makes time to go out and have dinner with his business partner once a week and a few times a month he meets up with his buddies at the local antiques auction, which is more of a social gathering than anything else. He hasn't taken me to dinner in over six months, and then it was only because we happened to be out on the road for business, back when I still had some sort of child care. He promised me six weeks ago that he was going to get a sitter (he has the contacts, I don't know anyone up here) and take me on a date night....the day came and he told me that he was sorry, but no one was available to watch the kids (he had only tried calling someone that morning - go figure).

 

I'm constantly asking if he would keep the girls (ages 9 mos. and 2 1/2) and I in mind if he was going out somewhere where we could all tag along (which is almost anywhere he goes) and to this day he has never taken me up on it. He tells me that I do not appreciate him, that I am a spoiled, crazy person - with anger issues. I wake up an hour before him every morning to prepare his breakfast (that he gets served in bed everyday)....I pick his clothes out for him, lay them on the bed next to him while he watches the news....I run around taking care of the girls while he sips the coffee that I have handed him, and keep refilled as needed. When he comes home, he takes his clothes off and just drops them wherever he is standing and gets into bed to wait for his dinner. I serve him the prepared meal (I put alot of time into cooking) on a tray, in bed. When he is done, he puts the tray on the nightstand and I am expected to clear it.

 

Not appreciated?

 

Sorry, I'm just having a tough time and need to vent.

 

 

post #2 of 8
Quote:

Originally Posted by BabyFireFly View Post

 

 I wake up an hour before him every morning to prepare his breakfast (that he gets served in bed everyday)....I pick his clothes out for him, lay them on the bed next to him while he watches the news....I run around taking care of the girls while he sips the coffee that I have handed him, and keep refilled as needed. When he comes home, he takes his clothes off and just drops them wherever he is standing and gets into bed to wait for his dinner. I serve him the prepared meal (I put alot of time into cooking) on a tray, in bed. When he is done, he puts the tray on the nightstand and I am expected to clear it.


Why do you do this? 

 

 

Trying to get a clear idea about this.  It's been 90 days since his car worked?  It's been 90 days since you last left the house?  Both?  So basically your dh has jailed you?  Yes, being angry is a logical, reasonable response to this situation. 

 

No one has ever kept me anywhere against my will, well, ever. Much less for three months.

 

You have NO outside contacts?  You don't know anyone else?  Things you can do, besides vent:

 

Have your car towed to a repair shop and get an estimate on the repairs. Get the car repaired.  Do a search on babysitting services in your area and hire a babysitter.  Take yourself to the doctor and get screened for depression. 

 

I'm sure there's more to your situation, but regardless of what 'other side' of the story there is, this is still a lousy situation.  You provide the solution. 


Edited by journeymom - 2/18/12 at 10:32am
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 

JM,

 

His vehicle (that he uses to pull our horse trailer - something he needs to have to operate his business) is basically a lemon, in and out of the dealerships all the time. It started having issues on November 20th and the next day he took over my vehicle (which is equipped to haul the horses) and until two days ago he just let his truck sit in the driveway. He finally broke down and called a towing service to take it back to the dealer....why did it take him so long? That's how he operates....if there is an easier route to take, he takes it. So it's been 90 days since he has taken my truck, therefore completely removing the possibility of my leaving the house to go anywhere. When the truck is here, it is hooked to a giant 5-horse trailer, so just hopping in and taking off for a few hours is out of the question.

 

When we were first married we lived in my home state, close to friends and family. But the business we are in dictates where you live, so we had to move three hours away from everything and everyone I know. My Mom and my Grandmother try to make the drive every other month or so to see my girls, but my Mom owns her own store and my grandmother is over 80 and cannot sit in a car that long all of the time. I have no contacts up here, I don't know anyone. I have been through three babysitters, all of them ended up not working out - they would show up late, not show up at all...that's a whole other story though. I even took out ads in the local papers and interviewed people who were "professionals" but when it came down to it, I wouldn't have trusted any of them to feed a cat, let alone take care of two little ones. There are no resources in this area, it's horribly depressed - no play groups, no support groups, really nothing to do with little ones - especially in the "off season."

 

You asked me why I do those things - and the answer is, I do not know. My husband is 18 years older than I am, his father was a horrible role model in that sense. A very "1950s" attitude towards women. He constantly tells me I do not appreciate him, so I try to do everything I can to make him comfortable since he is the one who goes out and supports us....a point he makes all the time, especially when I bring up the fact that he is using my vehicle, "it's the money I earn that pays for this...." Yeah, I guess that's the case now, but I've had that thing long before I even knew him! And if it were up to me, I would be working along side of him, like we had always done in the past, but I have been totally alienated from all that at this point.

 

If I go to a doctor, they would probably prescribe either medication (I'm not willing to do that - I was a happy person for 28 years, it's this environment - a chemical isn't going to fix that) or tell me to communicate with my husband. Well, I've been trying that for a long time now, and all it ends up getting me is yelled at....then he stomps off and sleeps in his office in the barn....like right now.

 

 

 

 

post #4 of 8

this sounds like a really bad situation. i would first off just STOP with the whole serving him food in bed business. that's just ridiculous. and laying out clothing for him and picking up his clothes? that would stop now too. i would only do these things as an occasional *treat*, a special *thank you* for being so great and from what you wrote, this man doesn't deserve that at all - much less on a daily basis. let him stomp around all he wants - he needs to respect you and part of that respect is making sure you have a means of transportation, for goodness' sake!

post #5 of 8

Wow. Hugs to you. I don't know how you do it. I'm guessing the 1950s mindset spouse also wouldn't consider some couples therapy so you two can communicate better without stomping, yelling and walking off?  More hugs to you.

post #6 of 8

Many, many hugs to you.  You deserve better. 

 

Your car is supposed to be for you to use to care for your family. Is he truly using your car all day every day?  The fair thing is to share and take turns until his truck gets fixed. Next time he brings it home tell him to unhitch it.  Tell him you need to go into town in the morning, so he needs to take the morning off, or do what work he can from home or something.  Then head out and don't come back till noon.  When was the last time your kids had a doctor check up (assuming you do that)? 

 

Seriously, if he's going to take some sort of 50s attitude then he needs to man-up and start providing properly for his family. 

 

Take the kids, have him take you to the airport and go live with your mom for a month.

 

 

post #7 of 8

One more thing.  He might be 18 years older than you, but you're still a strong grown woman, a mother to two children, capable of doing what needs to be done for you and your kids. 

 


Are you at all afraid of your dh?

post #8 of 8

mama- get your kids up early tomorrow- get them dressed and go with your DH.  Or start searching for a different truck to buy to replace his.  find a church and meet some people.  once you get a vehicle back- take your girls to the library just to meet people.  

 

You are being taken advantage of but you are also allowing it to happen.  It is not healthy either way.

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