thank you miriam!
I think I am in early labor right now, so it is good to read this!
the polyhydramnios was diagnosed clinically?
our son was born at home on march 4th. there was no polyhydramnios....however, he was large: 11 pounds 2 onces.
also, very thick meconium.
we had shoulder dystocia: 5 minutes between the birth of the head and the shoulders. he was limp, blue, not breathing. we called the ambulance during pushing. MW did some resuscitation, and after 2-3 minutes he started crying but breathing with difficulty...by then, ambulance crew was in my bedroom. our son was transported to the children hospital, was admitted to NICU and intubated and was discharged last week (stayed 17 days in NICU). I stayed 24hrs/day with him in the NICU and at the age of 10 days, he was allowed to breastfeed, and latched well and is nursing exclusively at the breast since then.
now we are living a normal life at home.
but I cry every night. I cry because I couldn't protect my baby from suffering. because we missed so much. because i couldn't leave the house for 4 hours right after birth to join him at the hospital...I couldn't walk.
I cry for no reason.
yet I am so privileged that he is completely fine now, and is the most adorable baby in the world.
anyone faced the same?
when will I stop thinking of those difficult days/moments?
Congratulations on the birth of your little one - it sound like you did an amazing job, pushing out such a big baby and with all those complications. I am so sorry you had a difficult time, but very glad that he is doing well now.
I don't think you are crying for no reason - you are crying because you and your son have been through an extremely traumatic event. Think of someone in a road accident - of course it would take some time to recover emotionally! And birth is arguably a lot more emotionally involved than that, even when it goes relatively easily.
I can't speak from personal experience - hopefully someone else will chime in here - but I imagine that these days will in some ways always be with you, the loss of how you imagined your birth would be, just like any other loss. But it will become easier, in time, to deal with. It will be buried, gradually, under the passing of days - still there, still popping up sometimes to remind you, but softer.
I know there is a traumatic homebirth thread here, and the 'perfect birth' thread might also be helpful to you. I hope you can heal, and am trying to sending positive thoughts your way!
Thank you for updating - I was thinking of you and wondering how things went!
Great job on having a big healthy boy!!! Some babies need extra help. Homebirth doesn't create a bubble of safety, when a baby is born and genuinely needs help. Your not crying or feeling blue about nothing. You have a legitimate reason to feel down and relive your birth. You had a loss of sorts.....the loss of an ideal situation after LO arrived. Every mama wishes she could just cuddle her new baby in bed and stay there for days. It will take you time to work through your emotions and sense of loss. Nurse your baby often to get that love hormone going and it will boost your emotional well being.
Keep in mind the hard work the two of you had to go through to bring him into the world and know you did everything in your power to keep him safe. Thank God he is healthy and fine now. You did nothing wrong because your LO needed to go to the hospital. It happens to the best of us (and our LOs).
I feel much better now. I am completely in love with my baby.
I still avoid talking about birth (except for close people), but I don't think about it often now.
I talked about my feelings with 2 close friends, my husband and my midwife. all that was helpful.
And, of course breastfeeding is helpful. it goes so well, with absolutely no problems. I guess that the 28 months of breastfeeding my first son helps.
This baby is also very calm, and I am calmer with him.