So, yeah, as the title implies, we found out the van we're trying to fix is broken in a serious way. Our options are to sell it and hope that we can get the money together for a downpayment on something else or save up enough to fix it. One of the piston arms in the engine is bent, so we're talking $2600 to fix it. Mind you, it's a nice van and I totally wish we could come up with the money to keep it, but unless my boyfriend gets a full time job or I find a way to make a good deal more than I've been making, it's just too much for us. I'm not sure car payments would be much better right now. That was our big bad news of the day.
Then there was my other bad news. I was snacking on a Starburst (I know...bad to eat candy, but when my blood sugar drops...) and my tooth broke. There's a big chunk missing from one of my molars. I thought I had insurance to cover it, but my soon-to-be-ex husband failed to file the insurance information in 2007 when he said he did. Now I've got a broken tooth that thankfully isn't painful, but no insurance to cover getting it taken care of. Given that we're having transportation issues, we really don't have the money for me to get it taken care of at the dentist. We're in a bit of a bind.
There's a good chance this is going to be my last pregnancy and I don't want it to be filled with depressed memories over how huge I am, having to struggle to get our bills paid, having no transportation, and quite possibly not having a vehicle of our own that will transport all the kids by the time I go into labor. Our birth plan has gone from a home birth to a hospital birth because we don't have the money for a midwife, and honestly, the only homebirth midwife I can find is someone I really don't want to go back to because I felt like she just didn't give a damn come time for labor. She just left me alone and walked away when the other midwives I've talked to asked why she didn't pursue a lot more options when labor stalled. I'm just feeling really disheartened about the whole thing and I don't want this to be the way things are at the end of my last pregnancy. I'd love to at least say, "Hey, at least it ended well."
I don't know...there's just so much going on with my whole situation right now that I feel like I'm falling apart. I hate to say it, but I've had more than a few occasions where I really wished I never got pregnant in the first place. I'm having a really hard time being happy or excited for this baby. I just don't know what to do. It just feels like no matter how hard I try, things keep falling apart around me. I can't enjoy my pregnancy. I can't enjoy this baby. I'm terrified of giving birth after the last experience. I wanted to take a hypnobirthing course to help me through it, but I can't afford the home-study stuff and can't get to class. I can't even get my kids to the homeschool co-op. I just can't kick the feeling that I should just stop getting my hopes up. I feel like I should just resign myself to the hospital birth I know I'm not going to have, and the c-section it'll probably turn into because of how much the stress has gotten to me. I can't even eat my favorite comfort foods because I'm too afraid the sharp edges of my tooth that are all but bound to break off as a part of this process will come off, be crunchy in my mouth, and totally turn me off from eating again. I couldn't eat lunch because of that. I don't know...I'm just at a loss of what to do.
I don't really expect any kind of advice or even sympathy. It's been a long road getting to this point and I can see where all the mistakes were made. I just want to find a way not to take these negative feelings out on the baby, and to try and enjoy as much of this pregnancy as I can from this point out. My other pregnancies had a lot of stressful things happen during them, but mentally I was able to maintain my balance, feel pretty zen. This time I think it's just been too much all at once. I just wish I knew how to get that mental peace back again, if not for me, then at least for my baby...