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Coping with the hurt, advice?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

Alright my single mamas!

 

Here it is in a nutshell:

 

Met baby daddy in October 2010 in PA (I'm from OH he's form NC) we were both working on the same job. He lived in NC, I was living in PA had moved from OH in June 2010...

 

We hit it off, whirlwind relationship. Job was up, so in March 2011 we both left PA and I moved to NC to be with him.

 

Things became pretty sour (very long story here..). Alcoholism, lying, cheating, abuse, and likely drug use.

 

I had become pregnant in April 2011.

 

On June 2nd 2011 I left and went home with as much stuff as I could pack with me until I went down the following week (with brother and his girlfriend in tow) to get my 2nd vehicle and other stuff. It was horrible.

 

I haven't talked to him since Sept 2011, I told him if he broke his promise to me one more time then all communication was going to be cut. And I meant it.

 

Anyway, I really thought he was my "one" I wouldn't have moved away from all my friends, family, LIFE, if I didn't think he was. Things ended just about as bad as it could have. Last time I saw him in person, I was an emotional wreck and he was FINALLY showing remorse for his actions - too late by then!

 

I'm still SO HURT. Why? After everything he did to me, as bad as things were, I'm still hurt. Why oh why can't I just get over this 'hump?' It feels like it's been so long, though in the big picture it's a grain of sand in time. Obviously it's going to be harder because I had a child "with" him I use that loosely because he essentially donated a sperm. But I hate wondering what if, hate thinking wel maybe he can change..thinking about opening contact with him even though I won't..I wonder. All that would do is get me more hurt and bring me down.

 

How have you all gotten over it? (Besides time) Everyone says time..I know it's true..but is there anything ANYTHING else at all that helps? I'm so sad. So hurt. I love my baby with everything..but I'm still sad that it happened the way it did. I know her and I are a family in ourselves, but I dreamed of mom, dad, baby..how do I get over that?

 

If I could afford a therapist I would but I'm already so in debt from my pregnancy it's just not feasible. ):

 

Thanks in advance..

 

 

post #2 of 12

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I don't have any answers. I'm still struggling with getting over it. I wonder if I ever will. But I hope some mamas here have wisdom for us...

lurk.gif

post #3 of 12

To be honest, it comes from within you.  I'm not trying to be all woo-woo here.  I truly believe that being happy and healing yourself comes from within you and your choice.  You have to wake up each morning with a desire to be happy with your life.  And I struggle with it too.  In fact the last few days I've been hormonal and ragey and depressed about things outside the limits of my control and I've taken it out on my kids and my exhusband.  And some parts he deserved.  Truly.  :)  But for the most part, it's my own stress that's making me rage out of control.  So I understand struggling with your emotions and not being able to conquer it all.  When it gets overwhelming I try a gratitude exercise.  It gets way easier with time.  Soemtimes it's in my head, sometimes it's on paper.  I make a list of all the things I'm grateful for like so:

 

 

Today in this moment I am grateful for:

 

-3 sleeping children

 

-internet 

 

-this delish rice cake with peanut butter and chocolate chips.  mmmmmmmm.

 

-a fun day with a lovely neighbor who drove us all  around in her van which saved me gas money

 

-a warm home with food in the fridge and lights that are still on.

 

-just one shut-off notice which should be rectified in the next few days.

 

 

There's more but you get the idea.  It's about looking at the bills staring me down that I can't pay, the 2 asthmatics hacking away upstairs  that will be needing breathing treatments shortly that will keep me up all night, the cat fur covered carpet, the dishes in the sink, the repairs I can't afford that my car needs, etc etc etc and seeing the little bright spots in my life.  It's about making that conscious decision to be a happy and positive person even when the entire world is kicking you while you are down.  There's ALWAYS a way that things could be worse.  And you just have to realize that no one ever benefited from being negative and holding a grudge.  It's about making that conscious choice to just LET.IT.GO.  Before your feet hit the floor each morning, you have a choice.  Will you go to work frowning because you have to be there or grateful and smiling because you HAVE a job when millions are starving and living on the streets for lack of wanted employment?  Will you lament the loss of your dreams of the perfect family with someone you cared for or will you cherish the child in your womb and make new plans to love it to the fullest and be as much mother AND father as you can be to it?  You have that choice.  And it takes practice.  Every day you must practice it.  It won't happen without work.  And you'll slip and screw up.  But once you realize you are going back to unhappiness and negativity, that's your cue to find feelings of gratitude and happiness.

post #4 of 12

I know your pain I really do :(

 

I'm only three months single and dealt with similar things as you (drinking, lying, cheating) I was with him for 9 years though!!

 

Time is making it easier for me, seeing him every day doesnt though

 

I'm sorry I can't offer anything but sympathy x

post #5 of 12
Hi,

I to know this pain
Cheating, lying, stealing...and the many opportunities I gave him because I wanted to believe him.
I have been separated for 3 years..divorced for 2 and a 1/2... And I am happy!
My friends tell me I have s glow, then even think I have a secret lover ( I have had a few, but that I'd a different story wink1.gif

How did I heal to this point? Well, this is my take, maybe some will resonate.
Some of the following you will not like, I know I hate hearing some of this stuff

Time helps, but time alone didn't do it for me. I had to work at it!
I did a few therapy sessions, 6 I think, which the all I could afford, but I am glad I did
I joined a divorce support group, the one down here is called divorce care ( this one is Christian based) sessions are worth a voluntary donation
I joind a co-dependent support group... They use a 12 step method
i read about healing ano recovering from a break up, from the I ternet, YouTube videos
I joined spiritual growth groups
I posted here!


I did all of the above with the following guidelines

I was determined to get me a healthy happy life
I allowed my self to cry, and, I allowed myself to stop crying and take a break
I didn't do it all at the same time, but I was consistently working on it, evrynday
If any material made me cry, that is what I needed to work on.
I tried to trust. I would day "let go and let God" altoughn it didn't make any sense to me. I kept on saying it
I yelled at God quite a few times


Take into account; This is not a competition, don't try to guess how fast will you get there, just try to do what it takes to feel better today than a month ago


Funny, just last week I wanted to know how was I doing so I got me a cd called "how to release someone" or something like that. I am happy to report I am almost there! I give myself a b+ smile.gif
I'll be happy to circulate it when I'm done with it.

Hope that helps, there is a good life after divorce if we allow it.
Today I have a very healthy relationship with my ex. He is still a jerk, lyier, manipulative, vengeful person, I nave healthy boundaries to deal with him. He has joint custody of my son

Hope that helps! Receive a hug and I am so proud of you for getting yourself out of that life, it takes so much courage, it took me 5 years of abuse ( emotional, not physical) including 3 affairs for me to finally say.,, hmmm, I think this is not good for me. And still I had a hard time divorcing him.... We were married for 16 years!! The last 5 pure hell

It gets better and better!,!,
post #6 of 12
Forgot to mention grieving is essential

I had to grieve is layers
The man I loved....
The marriage
And, yes, the one thing that took me most grieving, was the lost of the dream or a "traditional" family. Mommy, daddy, children and dogs under the same roof.

How do you grieve.. .?
Oh Lord
Pain is the medicine, don't run away from pain. As much as you can stay with your pain, feel it fully whe it comes. It will not kill you , although it feels as if you are dying.

With that said, this I what I did

I wrote down every single thing I was missing ....for example

Pizza Friday night together
Silly dinosaur jokes

Every line would make me cry and I would indeed cry my pizza night, feel all the pain
Next, the dinosaur jokes, same thing.

My list was over 100 items
I kept it for long time and every time I tried it, I would cry less, or less intensively, or on less items.. Maybe there were 3 that I was ok with, so I would cry my other 97
In time, a few months ago, I read my list, blessed it, no tears on my eyes, burned it away.


Grieve, it feels horrible,but it is the only way out. If you avoid the pain, it will eat you up inside and there will be no space for the good life which is coming!

Geez, that sounded kinda esoteric, but hope you get the drill....grieving , look it up, google it up, YouTube it. Grieve is essential
post #7 of 12

I don't know that I will ever be entirely over the mom-dad-kids ideal. The thing for me is accepting and appreciating What Is. This is a whole and beautiful life, this life that I have today, right now.

 

Also, recognizing that it's his loss. If someone pushes away what I have to give, that's his loss, his failing. Not mine. Except that probably I didn't listen well enough and missed that he already said he didn't want a commitment, a home, a family. I've done that a couple times, and that kind of hearing does get better with age, I'm happy to note. Anyway, not a reflection on me. The hurt part of me that took the longest to heal, that still bleeds sometimes, is the part that sees it someone as a sum of my worth that those relationships didn't last. I recognize that more quickly these days and am able to remind myself that no one gets that power but me, no one.

post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 

I appreciate the advice. I really do, I feel like at this point..no matter what nothing helps.

 

I realize it's his loss..hell I did everything. How come he couldn't appreciate that? I'm so saddened. I think I'll be scheduling an appointment with a therapist. I believe this is partly post partum depression. I was doing fine and now I feel like I hit a brick wall. Every one I talk to in my life doesn't have any real advice as they've never been in this situation before. So they feel like hollow words. I can't believe this is my life..if I was asked several years ago where I thought I'd be in 5 years..never would I think it would be here. Would I take it back? Probably not. I love my child to the ends of the earth, but I wanted so badly a family for her and I. I know we make a family, but I didn't want this. These complications..heart aches..wondering..and decisions I've had to make. I miss the person he "used" to be, though I guess that person doesn't really exist.

 

I attempt to plan out a future, and there's some places I can't live that I might enjoy living because I would be too close to him.

 

I'm really greatly depressed because I feel trapped. I have a child now, and her grandparents love her to pieces..now I feel like I can't move because it would hurt them too much. But I don't want to live here forever.. it sounds selfish and stupid but I don't want to live the rest of my existance in Ohio! I loved living in other places - granted, some parts were really crappy but I enjoy it. I learn from it. There's some places in the south I think I would enjoy living..but "can't" because he's down there..and it's far from my parents.

 

This sounds so incredibly selfish. I feel like such an awful person.

 

I try not to get upset or cry since I'm breastfeeding and emotions play a lot into supply but oh my Lord, all I feel like doing is crying. There are seldom few moments in my day recently that I don't feel like crying.

 

I learned that Baby V has a cousin now who is just a month younger than her, and I hate that I keep thinking how they could have been best friends and everything could have been so happy had he not ruined it for all of us. That sounds stupid too.

 

I feel like I'm getting double hit - post partum depression and these feelings of regret, sorrow, resent are dragging me down further and I try to tell myself I'm in control but I guess I don't believe it because it's not helping.

post #9 of 12

I think you are getting double hit too. That ppd is really awful. I can't imagine going through it and a break up at the same time. I am so glad you are going to a therapist. Go. Please go and commit to going. You really need support and it really will help. I really like the book "operating instructions." Though there is some sadness in it, it helped me a lot when I had ppd. So many of your feelings are so familiar to me. I really hope you can go through with seeing someone to help you. 

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post #10 of 12
Thread Starter 

The hard part is finding a therapist. Looked up the book, is it this one? http://www.amazon.com/Operating-Instructions-Journal-Sons-First/dp/1400079098/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331002972&sr=1-1

post #11 of 12

Dear one,

 

Those who told you it will take time, speaks truly. But, here's the scoop. YOU are responsible for your happiness. You are the one who has to make the difference for not just yourself but for your baby. Once you have a baby on the way, it isn't about you any more.

Don't get me wrong, never become a martyr for a child or anything or anyone else. But, you don't have time to hurt or feel sorry for yourself. You went through a hard time..yes acknowledged.... Now move on.

 

Get busy, get involved with friends, make new friends, plan for your baby's arrival, get more education, start a small home business, do something that will occupy your time and your mind.

 

The most important thing is realize how much you like yourself too much to let anyone take you down like that. No, I take that back, LOVE yourself. Your child will depend on it. The love for yourself will not let you wallow in hurt and defeat. Feel bad then move on.

 

I am the mother of 2 daughters, I would give them the same advice.  You are the most important person to yourself. Smile, look at the sky, the environment around you, life..... Look past the obvious into the future......

 

You will meet someone who deserves to have you. But first you have to love yourself enough to give that someone something to love.

 

Honest advice

post #12 of 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaitlyn811 View Post

The hard part is finding a therapist. Looked up the book, is it this one? http://www.amazon.com/Operating-Instructions-Journal-Sons-First/dp/1400079098/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331002972&sr=1-1



Yep. That's the book. Anne Lamott. It's fiction, but based in reality.  It just made me not feel so alone or crazy in my feelings. 

 

Finding a therapist is so hard when you are already down and struggling. There should be a way easier way to get help when you need it. First, look at your insurance, if you have it. If not, search for a sliding scale clinic. Call your OB office and ask for a name. Then just go for it and go. There's no way to really pick until you meet and see who feels like they will help you through this. Ask for a free getting to know you session: they might, they might not, but worth a shot. Also, maybe a free women's clinic? 

 

I really hope you find this support because it will help you so much. It will be worth the investment for you. 

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