***TRIGGER WARNING: This post talks about abortion and mental health issues***
I can't go to my family and friends with this because it is such a sensitive topic and I am scared of being shunned and looked down upon for my choice. I found out a couple weeks ago that my husband and I are pregnant again. We have been separated for the past 4 months, and things between us are so rotten and awful already. We have an 19 month old son together whom we love more than life itself, and he is the only reason I'm currently working on having any sort of relationship with my now ex-husband.
This pregnancy is very much unplanned and could not have come at a worse time. With DS, we planned our pregnancy, and were so excited to become parents. Even so, I had terrible perinatal depression. This turned into the most severe postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis for me. By the time my son was 10 months old, I was killing myself with an eating disorder, using alcohol to cope, and I had a psychotic episode and was almost successful at committing suicide. I ended up spending 3 weeks in the hospital/psych ward and over a month in day treatment for my eating disorder and psychosis. The official diagnoses are: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa, Panic and Anxiety disorder, PTSD, and severe depression. I was put on antipsychotis, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and tranquilizers. They really helped and now 9 months later I am okay with less medication. I am able to be a great parent, a student, and a happy and healthy WHOLE person again. It is so wonderful.
The problem is, I cannot safely take my medications while pregnant without serious harm to the fetus. I tried going off my meds, but the delusions are coming back, and while I am not a bad person, I cannot control myself without chemical help. Being a single mom, I have no real support. My husband and I share custody, but aside from that, I am alone. I thought I could do this, raise 2 kids on my own, be off my meds for the pregnancy, but I can't. I feel like an evil, terrible human being. But I have to choose between continuing the pregnancy, or putting my life, and my son's life in danger. Adoption is not an option for me, because the issue is my mental health and safety during pregnancy/postpartum.
I feel so alone. My husband is not supportive because since the day I got the BFP, he has been pressuring me to terminate. Termination has never been an option for me, no matter what. I am very pro-choice, politically, but I have had miscarriages in the past from an abusive ex boyfriend who raped me and then physically abused me until I lost the pregnancy. Because of these experiences, I would never chose abortion for myself. But now I am in a hard place. I can't continue this pregnancy and be safe. I can't take the medications I need to be safe without severely harming, and possibly killing the fetus.
I also have hyperemesis gravidardum this pregnancy, and because of it, I cannot take care of my son. It also makes it so I can't attend school regularly and since financial aid and grants are the only source of my income (ex husband refuses to pay child support even though he owes me), I can't afford to lose it. I had such a bright future. I was finishing my pre-med studies, becoming certified as a doula, hoping to go on to medical school to be an OBGYN who works with midwives... And now, I feel like everything is shattered
My termination is scheduled for Saturday morning. I am not very far along and while I have the option of taking the pills, I have decided to go the surgical route so I can be sedated and not have to go through the trauma of having an at home miscarriage experience. I am so devastated, and even though I know in my heart if I could safely carry this pregnancy, I would, I cannot help but feel ashamed, dirty, and evil for aborting what could be a baby some day. I wish I had another option, and I am grieving for this child who could have been.
Thank you for letting me get this out, I have no one else to talk to. Please don't tell me that abortion is wrong, I am a baby killer, etc... I already have those feelings, and I am not doing this out of choice, but out of necessity.