Depression and Anxiety Thread « Back to Group Discussions

[Knitting Mama]

I thought that since so many of us were talking about being depressed before pregnancy, during pregnancy and after pregnancy, that we might like to have a separate thread.

My journey through depression and anxiety started in childhood and continued all through my teen and early adult years. I was never medicated, however. When I got pregnant with Cecilia it really seemed to drain away and I figured that the hormones were balancing me out. When I gave birth to her, I did not get postpartum depression. In fact, I like to say that I got postpartum elation instead. I was never happier than in those first six months after Cecilia was born. I was sure I was cured!

Imagine my dismay when the signs of anxiety, followed closely by the signs of depression, started coming back around 7 or 8 months postpartum. Around 10 months, I began to see a therapist and, according to her analysis of me, I was off the charts for anxiety and pretty high up on the scale for depression. So I started on a low dose of Lexapro and continued in therapy. 

I stopped seeing the therapist because we couldn't keep affording the $25 per visit copay, but continued on Lexapro until we decided to start trying to conceive. With my primary care physician's blessing, I weaned myself off of the Lexapro and quite soon after got pregnant again.

I'm not feeling depressed or even all that anxious right now. I'm just exhausted, and I'm trying to be honest with myself to figure out if that exhaustion is at all depression based. So far I don't think it is, but I really feel like I have to be vigilant and monitor myself closely. I'd like to avoid medication in this pregnancy, but I am a practical person and I won't avoid it if it means my sanity.

Anyway, if you want to share and commiserate and offer support for depression and anxiety in here, go wacky! 

[folkgirl]

Thank you for starting a thread on this! This is really helpful to me, and also maybe if I post here I can post in the chat threads without feeling like such a downer.

Aimee, I'm so glad that you're not experiencing the depression or anxiety symptoms this pregnancy. I didn't have it with either of my two previous pregnancies, and I know just what you mean about postpaturm elation. That period has always been extremely joyful for me, so I hope that I don't experience PPD this time around (but realize it's always a possibility). With my first, I had a not-great pregnancy and a semi-traumatic birth and extremely difficult breastfeeding experience, yet I never felt depressed or overly overwhelmed. It's that elation you are talking about. With my second I had a VBAC and felt like I was on a "high" for months. Who knows this time...

One thing I have come to understand lately is that I really need to respect the power of hormones. There have been two other distinct times in my life when I have felt depressed, and I am starting to see a pattern with regard to the effect hormones has on my body. The first time was following a miscarriage. The miscarriage was extremely early, I thought I was "over it" and didn't understand why I was so miserable for several months after. The second time was after I weaned my oldest, I was depressed for 3-4 months. I didn't attribute it to weaning, even though I had heard that post-weaning depression was possible, because I thought, "I'm not sad to wean. This is a happy time!" (We weaned based on a mutual decision when she was 2.5 and although I was sad I felt good about the way it ended.) But now that I look back I was definitely depressed in those months following.

My youngest has recently weaned at the age of 2 and I wonder if that has contributed to what is going on with me currently in addition to the fun pregnancy hormones. Hard to say I guess...

[LilyTiger]

Cecilia's Mama, you were on this thread before, but I threw this up here just so others can take a look.  I really think it's hard but necessary to be vigilant, particularly during the first trimester.  I was spending a ton of time in bed, completely exhausted and just not feeling that great, but I ultimately determined that this was just normal first trimester stuff and not actual depression.  For others, it might be a more difficult determination.  Definitely important to stay on top of things.  I'd also like to reiterate my father's advice for treatment of depression (also in the thread below). He's a clinical psychologist and the recent research demonstrates that for many people (not all, of course) exercise, light therapy, and fish oil consumption are more effective treatments than traditional anti-depressants.  So for some of you struggling with these symptoms, these things can be a blessing.  But again, most of this is a repeat from the thread below.

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1343435/depression

[dovemama]

Hello

Let's see. I seem to have had a pretty rough go with my pregnancy last time around. I had a lot of anxiety, although I always considered it to be in close relation to lots of the dramatic life changes going on around me. I figured it would pass as things settled down.

Well welcome dd. With her came pain, trauma from birth, and a very unsuccessful nursing relationship.

Although she was completely bf until 6 months, I had to low of a supply to keep it up, so I had to start supplementing. In which, I suddenly got hit with a load of awful anxiety, and complete meltdowns.

It was a horrible time of my life, when it should have been the best times of my life. I had to get on medication, dd completely weaned at 9 mos, and I began seeing a therapist. Although I didn't keep seeing my therapist, the medication completely changed my life. The past 10 mos of motherhood have been fantastic! When I got pregnant a few months ago (which was an accident), I struggled with fears of continuing on the meds, but I have finally come to peace with staying until I feel ready. That could be by third tri, or it might not be until this next LO is a few months old. Either way, I am just finding my way, and am thankful for the help of doctors and family members who have been so supportive. I am also thankful for my dd, for loving me throughout, and teaching me how wonderful life can be.

[rebecca10]

I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, my mom would say pretty much from the day I was born, and certainly at least since I was a toddler.  I was worried I would have a lot of anxiety around parenting, but I've actually been lucky and really haven't. At this point, my anxiety, at least the debilitating kind-- is pretty localized--it mostly manifests itself in the form of extreme writer's block when I have significant writing projects at work. I've gotten better at controlling how "significant" a project has to be before the panic gets set off, but it still hits every few months. (I'm a litigation attorney, and in the ultimate irony happen to be known for good writing, so end up with lots of  appeal briefs and other things to write. I seriously feel like such a fraud much of the time.).   And alas, I'm in the mists of one such period right now. My usually way of dealing with it is to finally pull it all together with an all-nighter the day something is due (after spending days staring at essentially a blank screen), but that's so much harder with all the pregnancy exhaustion, not  to mention, a toddler who needs me and who I hate to have to not spend time with while I waste time panicking.  I actually have a lot of anxiety about drugs too (much of it with good reason, since I don't handle them very well), so for good or bad, I've never been willing to try anti-anxiety medication. 

I've been lucky to not have to deal with any significant depression most of my life. But, as I mentioned in an earlier thread, for whatever reason, this pregnancy has given me more blues than I've pretty much ever experienced, which is funny since I was one of those extremely happy pregnant people the first time around--and post-partum too.  I know a lot of it is hormonal, and the hormones hit differently each time.  I actually feel a lot like I often do when PMS hits the day before I get my period.  But part of me also thinks it’s actually pretty reasonable to be feeling down--and probably in part my body's way of telling me I'm doing too much.   I mean, I'm pregnant, extremely exhausted, dealing with terrible nausea, have a nearly impossible amount of work that often demands 70+ hours work weeks, and somehow have to balance all this with the needs of my wonderful little two-year old, who still has tons of sleep issues. Is it really any wonder that I'm feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of tears much of the time?    And as much as I fantasize about simply hiding out in bed, it's not like I'm actually doing anything of the sort--quite the contrary.  So, while one the one hand, I suppose you could categorize me as depressed, personally, I don’t really feel it helps me to pathologize things at this point.  Instead it seems to me that what I need to do is ride out these first trimester symptoms and find a way get my work back under control.  (In theory I'm supposed to be working 70% time--which is still in my line of work about 40 hours a week, but much better than what I've been working these last few months). I expect if I do that my mood will improve a lot as well.  That said, I know that these next few weeks are going to be extremely tough. But I'm sure I'll muddle through.    I do worry that I don't feel very connected to this pregnancy yet.  Here's hoping that will change soon too.  

[rebecca10]

Oh, and have I mentioned, that checking these boards is one of my primary ways of procrastinating when I'm trying unsucessfully to get something written.  Hence, subjecting you all to the long response :).   Now I write! 

[LilyTiger]

Rebecca, you and I sound like work twins.  I check these boards all the time when I have writing deadlines (like right now!).  I also think for me at least being overwhelmed and so on is just part of what I'm dealing with and not necessarily (for me) something that needs to be addressed medically.  I'm through the ugly first tri though and I'm really lucky to be doing well so far.  And now I should actually go write something.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by rebecca10 

I mean, I'm pregnant, extremely exhausted, dealing with terrible nausea, have a nearly impossible amount of work that often demands 70+ hours work weeks, and somehow have to balance all this with the needs of my wonderful little two-year old, who still has tons of sleep issues. Is it really any wonder that I'm feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of tears much of the time?

I think that I, and probably many of us, need to take this to heart! Pregnancy is pretty rough on the body in many ways, and even if you tend to feel great while pregnant (I do, most of the time), that doesn't change the fact that it does affect us! And if we already have more kids to take care of, work and/or school, and the myriad other things that come along with being an adult, we probably should give ourselves a bit of a break if we're feeling overwhelmed! 

[ithappened]

I think rebecca10 took the words right out of my mouth- I thought my first pregnancy was SO easy but I realize I was comparing it to other women on MDC who already had kids- now that I have kids, I have a whole never appreciation toward other women with kid(s) who are pregnant. Nothing says exhaustion like never getting more then 4 hours of sleep in a row. . .

I told DH last night all I think about some days it how good it would feel if I could sleep 9-10 hours one night.

[MsZelda]

Originally Posted by rebecca10 

I've been lucky to not have to deal with any significant depression most of my life. But, as I mentioned in an earlier thread, for whatever reason, this pregnancy has given me more blues than I've pretty much ever experienced, which is funny since I was one of those extremely happy pregnant people the first time around--and post-partum too.  I know a lot of it is hormonal, and the hormones hit differently each time.  I actually feel a lot like I often do when PMS hits the day before I get my period.  But part of me also thinks it’s actually pretty reasonable to be feeling down--and probably in part my body's way of telling me I'm doing too much.   I mean, I'm pregnant, extremely exhausted, dealing with terrible nausea, have a nearly impossible amount of work that often demands 70+ hours work weeks, and somehow have to balance all this with the needs of my wonderful little two-year old, who still has tons of sleep issues. Is it really any wonder that I'm feeling overwhelmed and on the verge of tears much of the time?    And as much as I fantasize about simply hiding out in bed, it's not like I'm actually doing anything of the sort--quite the contrary.  So, while one the one hand, I suppose you could categorize me as depressed, personally, I don’t really feel it helps me to pathologize things at this point.  Instead it seems to me that what I need to do is ride out these first trimester symptoms and find a way get my work back under control.  (In theory I'm supposed to be working 70% time--which is still in my line of work about 40 hours a week, but much better than what I've been working these last few months). I expect if I do that my mood will improve a lot as well.  That said, I know that these next few weeks are going to be extremely tough. But I'm sure I'll muddle through.    I do worry that I don't feel very connected to this pregnancy yet.  Here's hoping that will change soon too.  

Thanks for sharing your story with us Rebecca. I'm comforted by hearing all of our stories and I'm grateful that this is a place we feel safe to share and support one another. One of these days, I'll type out my long sorry tale of depression but I can't bring myself to do it right now. Suffice to say, I'm mostly managing it these days and would be considered highly functioning by most, yet, still the demons persist in my head from time to time. 
 

[NewMumJoy]

Originally Posted by MsZelda 

Thanks for sharing your story with us Rebecca. I'm comforted by hearing all of our stories and I'm grateful that this is a place we feel safe to share and support one another. One of these days, I'll type out my long sorry tale of depression but I can't bring myself to do it right now. Suffice to say, I'm mostly managing it these days and would be considered highly functioning by most, yet, still the demons persist in my head from time to time. 
 

Same here MsZelda (thank you all for sharing on this thread) - my story is also long one, but I am doing well at the moment.  However it's an experience that you truly never let go of and I'm always watchful of my journey changing its course.  I can identify with many aspects of your struggles.  I'll be checking in on this thread to see how you all are doing.... I'm with all of you in spirit!
 

[keuriweo]

Originally Posted by MsZelda 

Thanks for sharing your story with us Rebecca. I'm comforted by hearing all of our stories and I'm grateful that this is a place we feel safe to share and support one another. One of these days, I'll type out my long sorry tale of depression but I can't bring myself to do it right now. Suffice to say, I'm mostly managing it these days and would be considered highly functioning by most, yet, still the demons persist in my head from time to time. 
 

Originally Posted by NewMumJoy 

Same here MsZelda (thank you all for sharing on this thread) - my story is also long one, but I am doing well at the moment.  However it's an experience that you truly never let go of and I'm always watchful of my journey changing its course.  I can identify with many aspects of your struggles.  I'll be checking in on this thread to see how you all are doing.... I'm with all of you in spirit!
 

ditto, MsZelda, NewMumJoy.  I've got a long story, too, but I'm doing "okay" now.  Thank you, Cecilia's Mama, for starting this thread.  My major issue is with anxiety but where anxiety goes, depression follows.  I didn't have much anxiety during my 1st trimester but now that I've hit my 2nd trimester, anxiety has hit me.  I'm trying yoga+meditation first and, probably, acupuncture later.

[iixivboots]

I'm totally in this club, too. I went off 40 mg of Celexa as soon as I got my BFP. I was feeling really anxious my first few weeks of pregnancy but it calmed down (and was overtaken by nausea). I was a pretty happy, crazy, sick, cranky preggo for a few weeks. Then last week I had a majorly stressful incident at work (conflict with an administrator, I can deal with the kids fine). It was on a Friday at about noon, and I cried uncontrollably all afternoon (chaperoning a dance in the dark, thankfully) and all Friday night and woke up in the middle the of the night crying and half of Saturday. Then I seemed to stabilize and we made an appointment for me to go see the NP at my OB just to let them know what was going on.

Long story (which I am going to post in another thread) short, she basically just said I needed to talk to the doctors about medication, and then was weird and annoying in other ways. I am not sure how I feel about this practice.

I think I need to go to therapy and I'm interested in trying acupuncture to manage things, too...

[folkgirl]

I would love to hear more about acupuncture to manage moods. I am feeling a little worried about managing all my various appointments (OB, specialist for diabetes, psychiatrist, possible therapist and possible chiro) as I have next to no childcare and I can't bring my children to most of the above. I also have very little money right now, unfortunately. Talk about a stressor!

I was feeling better for a while, kind of settled into depression rather than anxiety, but have had some flare-ups recently. I nearly had a panic attack during a minor argument with my husband, which was so frustrating and seemed like such an over the top reaction to the matter at hand. I was just frustrated because I felt like he was not understanding what I was saying--it wasn't even pregnancy related or ANYTHING of great significance. We were in the car and next thing I knew I was having trouble breathing and feeling like I wanted him to take the next exit so I could get out of the car and get some fresh air. He would have stopped, but in the end I hung in there until we got home and by that time I was feeling better. However, again I just don't feel like myself and I hate it.

I have my psychiatric appointment on tuesday. I'm not sure what to expect. I'm a little nervous but maybe more curious. I am not sure what I expect to get out of it. I am really afraid of not being taken seriously--not why, possibly because that is what I am getting from my OB (who is great in other ways but has not been with this particular issue). We'll see, I guess.

[sallyrae17]

I don't go to acupuncture to manage my mood, but I always leave in such a great mood. I'm literally walking on air and full of energy every time I go. I know that acupuncture can help as the whole goal is to balance your chi (energy). Healing touch is a simliar therapy but doesn't include needles. My mom is a healing touch practitioner and I would say that your mood is improved and/or better for about 4-5 days. 

[NewMumJoy]

I suffered more from anxiety than depression last year (during the unsuccessful pregnancies and then afterwards).  Panic attacks and suffocating emotions where I could just feel my blood pressure go through the roof and everything would start to spin.  I was able to identify external factors (such as preg. hormones and family stressors) and therapy helped me to better manage those things with my DH.  However I definitely needed "more" than that, weighed out my options/risks and tried a week on Celexa.  Unfortunately it made me so nauseated that I could not function or work, so I stopped and was too afraid to try any other pharmaceuticals (I simply couldn't lose another week from being that sick).  That's when at my wits end, I gave the acupuncture a try.

I still don't fully understand (or can't explain) how the acupuncture works - it is almost too simple/strange for me to believe (energy? life force? huh??) but somehow it did help me.  I let myself give in to whatever this alternative treatment had to offer (maybe I just wanted it to work so badly that it was more a self-fullfilling outcome).  During the first couple of sessions, I honestly did feel some sort of pulling/magnetic force thing going on in my body - some parts felt heavy while other parts felt so light.  I originally expected just one or two visits to cure me forever, but that's not how it works.  Like taking daily medication, the effects wear down over time and you need to replenish (however after a while, I could longer between visits).  It was pretty expensive, but I always left each visit feeling so great and that I helped myself, which was worth it.

I also tried a couple sessions of Reiki massage, with very good results (for the short term).  Not sure how that works either, but for the price of a regular massage I figured it was a step up from the usual "pampering" that I'd treat myself to....

[iixivboots]

Having a bad day today. Woke up angry and throwing things. Got very little sleep, feeling like I have the FOURTH cold of this pregnancy coming on. Seriously?!?

Then just feeling so blue this afternoon. I wish I had a care provider who could help explain to me what is normal and what I should be worried about in terms of depression. Hopefully it won't be too long. Also thinking of finding a therapist but still have to go through the motions of finding a good fit on my insurance, and the copays are $40/session which is kind of pricey, I think. I don't know. Hope I can find a new OB who is interested in my overall well-being.

[rebecca10]

So sorry for the rough day, boots!!  I'm sure it will be a huge relief if you can find a new OB that is more responsive.   

All these colds are crazy. . . my whole family seems to be stricken again too. Hopefully, spring will be here soon and all these virus will go into hiding. 

[moremadder]

Thanks for starting this thread Cecilia's Mama! I too have struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time and am currently keeping a very watchful eye on it after getting off meds for the pregnancy.

I was tapering off Venlafaxine (Effexor) for most of the first trimester and it only occurred to me at the very end that my EXTREME irritability was due to withdrawal, not (necessarily) (just) the pregnancy hormones. My temper has been completely out of control. I've had to apologize to my 3.5yo on pretty much a daily basis for yelling at him. And then I lie awake feeling terrible about it. Ugh.

Rebecca10 and LilyTiger you made me laugh -- I haven't been on this board lately because I haven't had any work, and now today when I have a brief to write here I am, procrastinating all over the place!

[Knitting Mama]

I'm glad this thread is being used often!

The biggest issue I am struggling with these days is a feeling of being overwhelmed, which leads to me feeling defeated before I even start a task. I totally popped out in the past week and now I feel like I'm the most awkward thing in the world when I move around. I'm pretty much always tired, and things like keeping the house fairly clean seem completely daunting. The constantly tired and overwhelmed feeling is a hallmark of depression-- but it also makes sense for pregnancy and taking care of a toddler full time! I just really wish I could find more energy and motivation.