Depression and Anxiety Thread - Page 5 « Back to Group Discussions

[ithappened]

when everything seems too hard to even try, so I just give up in mental anxiety and retreat to staying locked up inside instead of getting everyone ready and heading outdoors.

yeap I hear you, I have so many days like this and what I started to do was just make myself go and promise myself that after 5-10 minutes if I did not want to keep going I could come home.. 99% of the time, I keep going.

I swear anxiety comes with the seasons changing, I get it horribly every time a new season starts... even worse when pregnant.
 

[iixivboots]

Now that school is over for the year, I am thinking about how much my baby has heard me yell (at students, at huz, in frustration) and cry, and I'm feeling like a terrible person for exposing him to so much stress in the womb. Hardly a day or two goes by without me yelling, crying, or both.

I tried Zoloft several weeks ago but the stomach upset was too intense and I couldn't sleep or function.

Now I am home with no job on summer vacation, which sounds great for stress but I don't think it will be. I get depressed and feel lonely easily, especially when I'm bored.

I broke the screen on my laptop after I pushed it off the bed after my stupid glucose test. Plus we just discovered one of our four cats has been using our loft in the living room as a litterbox for probably more than a year. SO disgusted, I feel ashamed and I am so tired of these issues iwth the cats (the other three are aggressive towards #4) I just want to rehome #4 but I feel so guilty about that it's led to a lot more crying and stress.

And I have a cold. My self esteem is really crap, right now. I feel like pregnancy made me a terrible teacher this past year and nobody wants to spend time with me because I'm just unpleasant. I know I should probably look into therapy but I am wary of the expense and just don't feel like i want to go into my past or deep feelings with someone right now, I just want it to get better.

[rebecca10]

Hi Boots--I'm so sorry you are struggling.  Are there some things you can do to help schedule your time over the next few months so you don't feel bored.  Maybe some sort of rec class that you've always wanted to take, prenatal yoga, a hobby you've been meaning to start up or put more time into.  You also might want to see if there is anyway you could connect with other pregnant mom's in your area who are due around the same time as you and meet up from time to time.  I really wouldn't worry about the crying and yelling affecting the baby.  The baby is probably just soothed by you're voice in whatever form. And all the recent studies are that some stress in the mother is not only not harmful for the baby but can actually be beneficial.

As for me, I'm having a really hard time right now, mostly with anxiety. Like I mentioned, my main trigger for panic is writing, and I have this brief to rewrite that I just can't do. I'm just staring at the screen having panic attacks instead, and the longer it goes without getting done the worse I get. I feel like such an utter failure and that it is just never going to get done. I just want to run away.  It doesn't help that my daughter is starting to freak out that I'm working so hard.  Last week she told me it was "so sad" that mommy had to work, and it just makes it that much harder especially when I waste time panicking instead of writing. And then last night my husband decided that in the middle of a panic attack would be a good time to tell me, completely out of the blue that he's embarrassed I'm still nursing my 27 month old daughter.  And then had no clue why that might upset me.  I just couldn't stop hysterically crying.  

I really have to get this done today, and I just don't see how I possibly can.  Nothing is getting written. My heart hurts from pounding so hard; I'm in tears.  I'm just waiting for that "where is it" email from my boss, and it's going to crush me.   And I'm still really upset about the conversation with my husband, which is just making everything that much harder.

I know that I have gone through this anxiety lots of time, and somehow everything does seem to get written in the end, but it always feel like this time will be different and I really will fail.  

[iixivboots]

rebecca, how are you now? I would hope that if you need to, you can get an extension on these deadlines although of course that can just prolong the anxiety. I'm sorry your husband said that, that wasn't very supportive and it certainly wasn't the time for him to bring this up.
 

[rebecca10]

Thanks Boots. I just sent in a draft to the partner, so much better now! And I actually had managed to calm down today, so I've been able to write without too much panic, thankfully. It helped to talk to the partner yesterday and find out he was okay with having a draft today.

As for my husband, I think I'm just going to let it go for now.  I'm actually glad he told me, since he often has trouble articulating his feelings about things,and I like the honesty but I am sad that he feels that way and of course thought the timing was terrible. The comment and embarassment were almost certainly precipitated by having his parents in town for 2 weeks, who don't get things like extended breastfeeding at all, but I really don't want to get into a your parents make me crazy conversation with him right now. It's so frustrating though how whenever he is around his parents he seems to just adopt their viewpoint and suddenly everything we do isn't good enough--our house isn't clean enough, we are not strict enough, we are breastfeeding too long, etc.   Ugg. I hate to say it because they are very well meaning and love my daughter tons, but I'm glad they live 3000 miles away.

[ithappened]

It's so frustrating though how whenever he is around his parents he seems to just adopt their viewpoint and suddenly everything we do isn't good enough

How long have you been married or together?

I found my DH did this for the first 5-7 years of our marriage and it made me nuts. it was really hard to hear him always side with his parents being right even when it was completely wrong for us.. I never felt like we were a team, which hurt..

I am sorry about all the anxiety everyone is having, I am still trying to find ways to cope with it that don't include standing in the kitchen for an hour or two and shoving food into my mouth..
 

[rebecca10]

How long have you been married or together?

I found my DH did this for the first 5-7 years of our marriage and it made me nuts. it was really hard to hear him always side with his parents being right even when it was completely wrong for us.. I never felt like we were a team, which hurt..

 We just celebrated our 5th anniversary.  So I suppose ther is hope . . . .

[NewMumJoy]

Rebecca - glad to hear that you were able to finish and turn in your draft, that must be such a relief!  I totally understand the anxiety behind having to get work like that finished and how the passing time and mounting pressure can really work against you.  Good luck with the rest of your writing.... and sorry to hear about your difficulties with DH taking sides with your inlaws (and the very bad timing of it!) - that can definitely leave one feeling alienated or even ganged up on when your partner doesn't have your back....  :(

Boots - hope you're feeling better by now, how are things going?  It sounds like you had a really stressful and unfulfilling school year, which you still need to recover from.  Hopefully you can find some constructive and rewarding things to do with your new free time as Rebecca suggested, to evade the boredom that you're worried about.  And do something nice for yourself!  Do you have supportive friends/family nearby who you can spend time with, who can listen to your worries and frustrations?  Sorry to hear that the zoloft didn't work out for you... I hope you feel better soon!

AFM - my outlook on this pregnancy (and life ahead) has taken a turn for the worst.  I was doing so well these past 8 months - feeling great both physically and mentally, lots of optimism and adjusting to whatever little challenges came at us.  DH and I were so connected and excited for our future.  But recent events have resurrected serious and unresolved trust issues w/DH, and my world is crumbling around me.  I feel that my happiness was undeserved, because I knew all along that there were red flags and yet I chose to bury them w/the hopes that they'd disappear or be outweighed by all the other great things we had.... But now this betrayal has returned, and is steering me straight into depression.  I'm now feeling so anxious, unhappy, resentful and insecure.  I'm sure that PPD has a ticket w/my name on it - and that's not gonna help at all.  :|

I know I need to get counseling asap - the future that I looked forward to with Baby and DH is impossible if we cannot resolve these issues.  It's just not how I had planned to spend the final 10 weeks of my pregnancy, focusing on this ugly drama instead of happily preparing for the birth of our child.....(Sorry for this being such a heavy post, but I'm unable to share this w/anyone I know personally, as the truth would not be well received...)

[ithappened]

I knew all along that there were red flags and yet I chose to bury them w/the hopes that they'd disappear or be outweighed by all the other great things

oh man newmumjoy  I actually came to post here today because I am experiencing similar anxiety/anger/issues with DH right now and its really making me dread the upcoming birth which is so horrible to say .. I am terrified of reliving the experience I had with DS1, the horrible PPD I developed, and yet here I am pregnant again but with twins.. I sometimes wonder if our marriage can survive this as we barely survived DS1 (or at least, I barely survived DS, I am not sure DH ever realized how many times I had to talk myself out of jumping out the window).

Do you feel counseling could help you? Is this stuff your DH is willing to work on even if it means spending the next 10-20 weeks doing so? It will be easier now then after the baby arrives.

Is there anything we can do? Please feel free to PM me and I can give you my skype/email/chat info.. I am more or less always on.

AFM_

My concern is so much of my issues stem around who DH is.. not a few single episodes and that is really scary. I resented him so much when DS was born, he would sleep till 11am and when I asked to take turns sleeping he would tell me how I was 'doing it wrong, just needed to ignore the baby crying and sleep as long as I wanted'. He would never be the one to get up with DS.. I felt abandon..   DH was rarely helpful that first 20 months, and only if I specifically asked and often had to nag him over and over that he would do something.. 

I expected (and he agreed before the birth) that having kids meant things would be more or less 50/50 in terms of parenting without me having to ask for every little thing to be done, but instead having children somehow felt like it was 95-98% my responsibility and DH was my roommate. . . .I wish there was a way around that. Its better now that DS1 is a bit older but the first 2 years I felt like I should of just been a single parent, it would of been easier many times to not have 2 'kids' to clean up after but just DS1..

I really spent the first 15 months or so of DS1's life with so much resentment and disappointment toward DH, my parents, his family- I expected to be surrounded by a village to raise a child- -  that's what they all promised me--  and instead I was on an island totally alone and here I am, feeling like I am already sailing to that island and the babies aren't even here yet. I am trying to hire and find help so I can have someone to depend on, I just know I can't rely on DH-- and a lot of times that makes me really sad.

These last few weeks things are getting hard for me in terms of lifting/carrying/walking the dog/cleaning/cooking/working etc and DH more or less just sits there and never offers to help.

I am scared and then I become really anxious how I will do this when I can barely manage 1 DC nevermind 3DCs all under 3...

[NewMumJoy]

Thanks so much for your support ithappened, and I am SO sorry that you are going through some incredible challenges yourself there too....

DH says he's on board to attend counseling together (and I think right now we need that more than I need medication).  But he's now traveling 5-7 days at a time, and it's so hard to spend our only 2 days together revisiting this ugly drama before he leaves again.  I know it has to be done though....  Just sucks, my "ignorant bliss" wasn't supposed to expire this soon!

As for you.... my goodness, your DH is living in his own world and needs a wake up call!!!!  How can you get his attention and your point made that you really need him to step up?  I know you're being resourceful and doing what you can to line up help on the side, but that's not fair for you to take this whole burden upon yourself - you can only do so much - is there any way that you can sit him down and get him to understand how serious your situation is?  Honestly, from what little I know about the whole picture, I too am worried for you!!  I really hope that you can articulate to him what you said in your post, he really needs to understand this (and I don't think he has a clue right now, otherwise he'd be different!)

Here's hoping that we can get some optimism back for our precious little ones....

[iixivboots]

Newmumjoy, thanks for asking about me, you are so thoughtful. I am doing pretty well. Honestly I always get the summer blues right after school is out (no matter how much I want it to be over, going from interacting with 130 people a day to 1-5 is just jarring and lonely) I really think I need to throw myself into cleaning and organizing and knitting and crafting and that kind of thing.

We totally have HUGE messy trust issues/drama in our marriage, too. You are not alone. I have cried multiple times lately and just told my husband I don't trust him and I think he will betray me again and I will be alone with a child, and told him that I doubt our decision to have a child because I don't think these issues are resolved. He has actually been really responsive and great when I have been open with him about this, explaining why he thinks he's changed and why he did what he did in the first place. This is so different from how he used to react in the first several years of our relationship, he would get defensive or shut down.  I also tend to overstate/doomsday everything because I want reassurance. Being really honest with him and vulnerable has worked for me better than I think counseling would at this point. I sort of dread counseling because I feel like there are just too many things to talk about, I don't like how most therapists will let you dig up anything you feel like digging up and prompt you about it. I feel like that's not a recipe for a healthy mental state right now.

I really hope you and your husband can get on the same page about the past in your marriage right now. It sucks that he's traveling and your time is limited. Maybe your counselor will have some suggestions about using your time together wisely so it doesn't just feel like all of it is focused on the past. I wish you guys luck finding a good counselor who you feel comfortable with, that is over half the battle, I think!

Ithappened, I totally agree with NMJ that it sounds like there are some real concerns, you are not overreacting. Do you think he knows how you feel about his role in parenting your son and understands your concerns about the future? If you don't mind my saying it, it seems like he just needs to freaking grow up and accept some responsibility and not just expect you to do everything. It worries me that he is not stepping up already to help you with physical tasks that get difficult in late pregnancy. What gives?

[ithappened]

it seems like he just needs to freaking grow up and accept some responsibility and not just expect you to do everything. It worries me that he is not stepping up already to help you with physical tasks that get difficult in late pregnancy. What gives?

I agree. It doesn't help I just paid off a loan of his which took a good 7 months of my salary, the timing is horrible since I just finished working and I wont have income again until the Fall. Like I said in my post, he says he will do things and he has good intentions but without some MAJOR nagging on my part they rarely get done. A great example is walking the dog- I am still the one who 70% of the time walks the dog, the other 30% she goes on the deck and 10% DH will walk her if he feels like it .. I made the mistake of relying on DH and believing him that he was going to be helpful with DH was born and I found myself totally alone with pretty much all the household task (dog walking, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc etc etc) and to be honest, this time around I am not willing to literally risk my emotional sanity on him maybe  stepping up if I can afford to, which right now I can.

I dont know if part of this is my own fault because when I ask him to do something if X hours or days pass I eventually get sick of waiting (or I really need something) so I just do it myself.. I dont know.. I really don't. I thought a lot of it was in my head but often when we would visit my family, even my mom remarked about how useless he was-- and she never says anything bad about others..

The 'upside' of this pregnancy/birth is DS1 DH can now manage really pretty well on his own more or less and doesn't have the temper issues he had when DS was a baby.. so at the very least if I really need him, I know DH can take on DS without me.. but .. yes, I dont know what to do and I dont feel/trust there is time to get him to snap out of it before the birth without jepordizing my own sanity (I write this at 10:30am, DS and I have been up for hours while DH is still sleeping in like every morning)
 

[NewMumJoy]

Boots - thank you - and I'm sorry to hear that you've been exposed to similar hurts in your relationship as well.  Betrayal is such a painful thing and it can really mess with your head; it has created a spiteful, negative, cynical and dark corner in my world - which just kills my self esteem.  Yes I am nervous about the sh*t really hitting the fan during counseling, but I feel that is the only environment where I'd be strong enough to get all my thoughts and points out in the open to DH.  After countless occurrences (and falsely thinking I could move on) it's time I really address this, but the timing is just awful - I feel like I've been robbed of what should be the most hopeful and happy period of my life.

ithappened - wow, you are really getting the short end of the stick there and I wish that your DH could realize that.  I'd love to suggest that you simply "drop everything" starting today (the dog walking, tantrum soothing, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc).... but I'm afraid you might end up starving or having the house burn down!  I'm sorry!!  But that time will come - when your newborn twins need you and you're healing from birth/c-section - when you'll really need to let everything go and see what happens.  I would just keep warning DH of that so he's not too blindsided.  Hopefully if DH gets hungry enough, he will then make a trip to the store and cook a meal or two.  AND, I hope that he knows how to take care of YOU by then as well....maybe start sending him articles/links on postpartum care to remind him of what's ahead?

[ithappened]

 But that time will come - when your newborn twins need you and you're healing from birth/c-section - when you'll really need to let everything go and see what happens.

yeah i hope so. with DS1 I got so fed up I went 'on strike' and stopped doing anything. It took DH about 10 days before he realized we'd just been eating rice and pasta for every meal for the last 7. . . at least with round 2 of babies there is a market in town that will delivery groceries
 

[iixivboots]

I think third trimester hormones are getting to me. I feel so much more vulnerable and sensitive, today I just feel depressed. I just have that feeling back like nobody cares about us or our baby even though we're having a shower this weekend and my friend flew out from Chicago to help/be there. I am worried because we had to move the location because our other friends had to leave town because of a funeral, and now its at a restaurant and I think we're going to end up paying a lot, plus huz is doing most of the planning and I didn't really know that i feel bad that he has to, and worried because he's distracted and stressed (mostly because of me and my big plans and insomnia).

And I thought it'd be nice to go to breakfast with huz today before work and before it was 110 degrees and we went and now my stomach just hurts. Seriously, I am crying about that? Ugh...

[ithappened]

boots- a few days ago I was just so overwhelemed with work and babies and the thought of more babies.. and then i did the dishes and my legs hurt so bad and I felt so alone that I actually went into a corner and just cried really hard.. I was wondering if its possible to have PPD before delivery :)
 

[wendipauline]

Jumping in here... I feel like I've been crying for the past week continuously. I know hormones are partially to blame, but my SO sounds a lot like your DH, ithappened. I get no help whatsoever. He's never offered to make a meal for me or bring me a glass of water. He doesn't ask about doctors or midwives visits, he never ever asks how I'm doing, he shows NO interest in the babies anymore. I fell down the stairs a few days ago and his response? "Ooops." I went to the hospital the following day and he never asked me a damn thing about how it went or if I was ok. I am pretty much dumbfounded at how he's been behaving and I can't believe that as this pregnancy progresses he just retreats further and further away. What am I supposed to do when I have newborn twins and he's acting like this? He literally finds things to do so that he comes home at 10 or 11 pm every night. Needless to say, we sleep in separate rooms.

He really does feel like a roommate, not a partner and not the father of these babies. When I try to talk to him, he shuts down. I feel like I'm losing my shit. I cry all night instead of resting. When he sees me crying he ignores it. I find myself thinking about getting back on Zoloft ASAP and the other night I was lying awake thinking about adoption, and whether it would be the best thing for these babies if I looked into giving them up.

Desperate times. I'm sorry to hear that so many of us are going through so much sh*t.

[NewMumJoy]

Ohhhh ladies, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so badly and I hope things can turn around for you soon.  Sending you all virtual hugs.....

wendipauline - how frustrating to hear about your SO!!  I can only imagine how neglected and desperate you must feel!  What was your relationship like before you became pregnant?  I hope there's some way that you'd be able to get your needs/worries/frustrations across to him soon.  And if he is really not supporting or caring (which it sounds like) then maybe you should have the "adoption" conversation with him - if you are not prepared to raise these babies all on your own.  Are you at least getting any support from your family and friends?

ithappened - you are one tough and resilient mama!  You've been up against so much these past months - if it were me, I'd say a good cry in the corner would be a much needed release.  I hope you're not getting PPD this early, and it's so hard not to worry about it - esp. after what you've already been through with DS1.  Would you consider starting on meds now, before things get too out of control?

boots - I think w/the hormones also comes a ton of anxiety in the 3rd tri as we get closer to this huuuge lifechanging event in our lives and thoughts start to snowball and then manifest in unexpected ways.  I hope you enjoy shower this weekend - that's very sweet that your friend and DH have gone to these lengths to help put it together - I'm sure that no matter how much work or financial burden, DH would say it's all worth it to see you happy and enjoying yourself....I hope you feel better!

[ithappened]

I'm going to talk to my Dr on my next appointment (on the 9th) about starting meds as soon as I can-- I really feel like I'm already downward spiraling
 

[pennywhistle]

Oh, ithappened, I'm so sorry.  I've been worried about you lately, based on your posts here & on FB.  Sounds like meds might help.  I wish there was something I could do!

I too have been super emotionally fragile lately.  I went to my yoga class yesterday, and at least half the class mentioned feeling that way too, so we're not alone!