Explaining something seen on the news

[link44]

I am new here.  To make it short and to the point, my son was in the room (almost 7) and we had the news on.  Simply put, the newscaster said something like "in court today to testify when she was held hostage"  he asked me what the held hostage meant?  I don't want to lie to him, how do I explain that without lying but also not scaring him?

[Lesley Reid Cross]

Is there some way to relate this to a story he knows?  There are plenty of fairy tales or children's movies where a character is imprisoned temporarily.  Cinderella comes to mind- when her stepmother locked her in her room so she couldn't try on the glass slipper.  Or, hmmm, Rapunzel being kept in the tower?  

Short of relating it to a story, I'd probably keep it basic and honest- someone held her somewhere against her will even though she did nothing wrong, probably because they thought they could gain something from it.  

[link44]

He had gone to bed prior to my post and I told him we'd talk tomorrow. He won't forget either.

One thing I forgot to mention was he also heard she was bound and gagged. He asked what that meant? Any suggestions to that? Remember I don't want to lie but not scare.

That was great suggestions though Leslie

[LynnS6]

 Age 7, in particular, is a hard age for this because they're old enough to understand what it is, but not old enough to put it in perspective. A hard combination.

I would answer matter-of-factly: "A hostage is something like a prisoner, only the hostage hasn't done anything wrong. Sometimes bad people want to get other people do so something for them, like give them money. To try to get the money, they take an innocent person and keep them prisoner. That prisoner is called a hostage."

"Bound and gagged means they tied up their hands/feet so they couldn't move and gagged means they put something in/over their mouth so they couldn't talk."

Then get ready for the "why" questions. And make sure you emphasize that this doesn't happen very often.

This is one reason I don't watch TV news with my kids. I've just begun to listen to NPR with them around (they don't usually like to have it on). We've all got lively imaginations and hearing about real world events that are horrific really stays with my kids. Funnily enough,  however, they're both OK with reading about this kind of thing in books (though I don't know if hostages specifically have come up).

[link44]

Lesilie and Lynn, thank you.  I told him a little this morning and you are right the whys did come.

To define hostage, I'm used this example:  "A hostage is an innocent person who a bad person confronted and told could not leave an area.  Sometimes the bad person is mean to them.  The hostage can be taken for a reason that the bad person wants something for free out of it.  a hostage is like their prisoner.  The person is usually released once the bad guy gets something else."

I explained that the bad guy doesn't want the hostage to leave, so sometimes they take a rope and tie their hands behind their backs and feet together and usually don't want them to talk.  I think he had a harder time comphrehending that as he relates it to tying shoes.  I told him we'd talk later that he needed to do some things (saved by the bell).  He also asked why they would grab an innocent person and not want them to be able to move around and talk to them.

I think I got it, does that sound like it was handled ok?  I am just over thinking it.  He does ask why a lot.

[GoBecGo]

I think you handled it great.  I have a 5yo (nearly 6) DD who asks a LOT of questions, doesn't forget and frets more about what she doesn't know than what she does, if that makes sense.

I have faced the hostage question, i believe i said that a hostage was someone that was being held as a pawn (she knows about pawns and queens in chess), often but not always by a criminal, so they can bargain for what they want.  i didn't go into whether they'd be kind to their hostage or not because she didn't ask.  

The hardest question i've had so far was "what is rape?" (after a mid-morning radio news report in the car).  I said "it's a very specific kind of theft" (i am a survivor of sexual crime and this was what fitted best for me) and left it at that because she didn't follow up with anything else.
 

Originally Posted by link44 

Lesilie and Lynn, thank you.  I told him a little this morning and you are right the whys did come.

To define hostage, I'm used this example:  "A hostage is an innocent person who a bad person confronted and told could not leave an area.  Sometimes the bad person is mean to them.  The hostage can be taken for a reason that the bad person wants something for free out of it.  a hostage is like their prisoner.  The person is usually released once the bad guy gets something else."

I explained that the bad guy doesn't want the hostage to leave, so sometimes they take a rope and tie their hands behind their backs and feet together and usually don't want them to talk.  I think he had a harder time comphrehending that as he relates it to tying shoes.  I told him we'd talk later that he needed to do some things (saved by the bell).  He also asked why they would grab an innocent person and not want them to be able to move around and talk to them.

I think I got it, does that sound like it was handled ok?  I am just over thinking it.  He does ask why a lot.

[link44]

Thanks for yo feedback and I'm sorry that happened to you. Two quick follow ups. I don't play chess but that analogy may work, what is a pawn?


You said yiur daughter didn't as why or why not hostage was treated badly or not. But in this situation if she did how would you handle that?

[GoBecGo]

In chess the pawn are the little "front line" pieces. As the game is played each player attempts to put the other's king into checkmate (which means they can make no move without being in check - check is where your king is on a square which an opponents piece could reach in one move) and you take one another's pieces as you go to reduce your opponent's "army" and narrow the options they have for getting your king into check mate.  If  you can get one of your pawns all the way across the board to the last row on your opponent's side you can have it swapped for your queen.  It's really called "promotion" since technically i think you can ask for any piece you want back, but most people call it "queening" because if your queen is gone it's her you want back.

If she'd asked about bound and gagged i'd have done as you did, described it dispassionately.  Bound means tied up.  Gagged means with your mouth fastened or filled so you can't talk or make noise.  For my DD it's the discussion of how something would FEEL which scares her not the bare facts themselves.  So i try to keep it dispassionate, though if i am upset and she asks why i will say honestly "i feel sad knowing that person must have been frightened/hurt/whatever" i would never say "imagine how that must have felt for that person" unless she herself caused someone else injury upset or inconvenience.

[link44]

Beca you are right regarding how its more a fear that he thinks about if he were in that situation and probably feels bad for the hostage. I'm going to sit down later to conclud with him. And I'm being over analytical due to why questions rhat I know are coming. I'm goijg to end it saying how the hostage eventuwlly gets left alone and can try and summon for help. One thing I know is he'll ask how they do that if tied up and gagged. How do I explain that? To try and get up and run? Ill let you know the conclussion?

What is a good way to also anwser what happens to the hostage if the bad guys don't get what they want?

[GoBecGo]

I think i'd try if i could to steer away from it, but if she asked the question out loud i'd probably say well, sometimes they let them go (which is true, not all hostage takers are murderers by a long chalk), and sometimes they don't.  And if that was met with "what do they do if they don't let them go?" i would say "sometimes they kill them" then i would try again to change the subject.  There's no way to sugar coat it and i wouldn't try.  XP reminded me before how she once asked "what if you have a baby in your tummy and you don't WANT to have a baby?"  We are pro-choice, but i was NOT getting into that discussion, si i said "you go and talk to the doctor about it and they can help you".

You can point out that they can triangulate mobile phone signals and find hostages that way, and that people aren't ALWAYS tied up and gagged.  Rest assured that in a few weeks he'll have forgotten much of the conversation while you're still getting over the trauma of it!

A lot of parenting is winging it! LOL!

[link44]

Great ideas. And Leslie and Lynn brought this up. Do you know of any good movies books, short stories with a hostage for ransom theme?

[meemee]

i would not go about it this way. 7 is an extremely imaginative age. and they can spin stories and build stuff into it that can get out of hand. even without this just their imagination can scare them. even for children, children's movies can get very intense.

one thing i would definitely help him understand is - it just is. there is no reason but things just happen.
 

Originally Posted by link44 

Great ideas. And Leslie and Lynn brought this up. Do you know of any good movies books, short stories with a hostage for ransom theme?

[Mummoth]

What about saying that when the hostage doesn't show up where they usually go, their family and friends come and find them or call the police for help?

When my son was about 3 he saw footage of a tsunami on the news and asked if the big water was coming to our house. I had a lot of explaining to do then!

[link44]

I will post a longer update to everyone (sent a PM earlier). Great idea though that family amd friends would look
I think that was his fear in being tied up amd have to be waited to be foumd. I guess I was trying to say you can try to wiggle free. His queation kept going back to how and why would someone do that to another person

[Mummoth]

Maybe he needs to hear that this sort of thing doesn't happen very often at all. When we talked about fire safety my DD was really worried about it so I told her I've never, ever had a house of mine burn, none of my friends or family have ever had their house burn and I've never even seen a house on fire except on TV. That made her feel better. For why someone would do that, I think it's okay to say that some people do things that don't make any sense at all, that it's sad that it happens and again that it doesn't happen very often.

[link44]

Mumoth and others, as I said, I think he finally understood it.  It was a matter of explaining it slower with examples (as he constantly asks the follow up questions).  I think it was more of a "yea I get that but why?"  One member who posted above was absolutley right, a lot of parenting is winging it, it helps if you have a poke face (I don't).

He understood the general reason why a hostage can be taken and I think he does understand that their is a reason, which may be to gain money or something from it. 

I explained how they aren't friends so they aren't nice to the hostage, how that can be scary to them. 

I explained how sometimes they have to restrain them to keep them quiet or from escaping.  I did not mention your Mumoth about how family and friends may look for them if they do not show up, but I told him that if they are restrained, then they'll need to make as much noise as possible and try to wiggle free and get help.  

I don't know if you have anything else to add or what you may have said, but thank you again.