Need new strategies on how to shut down the adoption conversation with other adults - Page 3

[luvinmam]

If it's a stranger asking, i simply say "sorry, do i know you?" that normally has them back peddle a bit.

If it's someone at school or someone you might recognize, i'll answer "wow, you wouldn't believe how many people ask me this everyday, i feel like a broken record having to explain, do you mind if i just don't answer today? that works a treat and normally they'll be a bit more understanding.

[HeidiYarrowMom]

My dd is mixed race and when she was a baby, everybody asked me about her origin, especially because she was HUGE.  Is her mother tall?  is her father tall?  And many other rude and not so rude questions.  The interesting thing is that now she is 8 and strangers never ask (partly because they aren't as interested in 8 year olds, partly because when they ask if my husband is tall, I just respond yes, knowing that is not what they are asking and not caring.) and friends rarely ask anything because they know her history by now.  As she is still super tall, we do get some people asking, but more people who know she's adopted just assume she comes from tall folk.  And yes, she does.

All this is to say that you are doing just what you need to be doing right now and that you probably won't have to do it forever. 

And my dd loves to bring presents she gets from her birth mother for show and tell at our homeschool group which invites conversation.  She doesn't mind questions and I think it's been great for the kids there.  One of her friends did ask me recently what her "real" mother looks like and I explained that I'm her real mother, but her birth mother is beautiful and asked if she'd like to see a picture next time she is over.  My dd came home to find her favorite picture to share next time her friend comes over.  So there ya go.  At a certain point, it becomes their story to share, or not.

Good luck.

[Marcimama]

Originally Posted by luvinmam 

If it's a stranger asking, i simply say "sorry, do i know you?" that normally has them back peddle a bit.

If it's someone at school or someone you might recognize, i'll answer "wow, you wouldn't believe how many people ask me this everyday, i feel like a broken record having to explain, do you mind if i just don't answer today? that works a treat and normally they'll be a bit more understanding.

I SOOO badly want to say that, but something always stops me.

My husband can get pretty short with people... but usually I am glad he does.

We usually get the "are they (our two black kids) real brother and sister." We ALWAYS say, "Oh they ALL are REAL brothers and sisters!"

But still annoying!

I had a lady recently say... no joking... "Kangaroos weren't made to be in iceland, and some people weren't made to live other places either..." I wanted to say, "You mean, like stupid people..." But didn't. Mama bear...roar!

Seriously!

[marsupial-mom]

In the last couple weeks...

A stranger at a restaurant came up and bascially accosted me and my son. I tried to just subtly brush him off ("Yes, he's adopted. That's great for your friend. Bye!") and walk past but he wouldn't let me by. He wanted to tell me how much he admired adoptive parents because we "saved a life." Ugh. That's not even true. And if it were, please don't talk about it in front of my son. He doesn't need to hear about it. He's too little to have to hear about with whatever crisis the stranger thinks happened.

Another woman (acquaintance that I could not just ignore) asked me the same old "Where is he from?" and then followed up with a "He doesn't look African. I've been to a Uganda orphanage and he doesn't look like that." OMG! That's like saying "I went to Mexico and so now I think everyone who was born on the continent of North America looks the same as some of the Mexican people I saw." I just had to change the subject. She drove me crazy.

I really just wish people could keep their offensive ignorant comments to themselves.

[excitedtobeamom]

I had a younger Hispanic check out boy go on and on about my son's (who is half black, quarter Hispanic, quarter Italian) awesome "ghetto hair" and the fact that they (the check out boy and my son) are the "first peoples here"?!  I am still trying to figure out exactly what he meant and I just didn't say anything.  I was glad that older kids weren't there as they would have had a million questions.  I think the guy was just trying to be friendly but still?

[Smithie]

I got my first "are they twins" comment yesterday. I said "one is adopted" which is not true yet, but I'll be darned if I have the foster-kid conversation with a stranger. I did not use to care about that as long as all kids were out of earshot, but I really, really care a lot this time. That's his story to tell and he does not tell it.