WWYD? HB support person needed, far away from friends and family

[Faith]

We recently moved thousands of miles away from all our friends and family. I have a baby due this fall and am planning another HB. I need somebody to be here in our home during the birth to care for my DC, who will be 3 and 5 at the time.

I do have new friends here. There is one SAHM who has a baby that I am getting close to. I thought about asking her, but I don't know if she would even want to. She does have her DD to care for, and I don't know her exact feelings on being here for a birth at any time of the day or night, or even if being at a HB would freak her out a little. I haven't known her for a very long time yet.

The other option is my SIL or MIL (both SAHMs) who live very far away. SIL has a young DD-3, and is pregnant again and due 10 weeks after me. We offered to fly one of them out here and have them stay here for a month, in our home, in order to be here for the birth. This is a major strain on our sad little budget, but we would do our best to do it. I know if SIL came, her DD would come too, and that is perfectly fine. But now they are both coming, possibly driving (MIL hates flying). It came down to, MIL won't come without SIL. To just invite SIL would now be the same as uninviting MIL.

I am getting a little nervous about the whole situation. We have a small house with no extra bedroom, and only one couch big enough to sleep one person. Plus, a whole month of 3 SAHMs and 3 DC here, on top of each other seems like a long time. We have very different ideas on things like what is clean, what is okay for DC to watch on TV and eat, etc. I am a little afraid by the time the MW shows up, my house will be a disaster, and we will all hate each other. (I am a very perfectionist house keeper and I think it would drive me crazy to have the house messed up and a newborn!)

If we are paying for a plane ticket, I can't think of how to do it with them staying less than a month. I know what my due date is, but I have a tendency to go 1-3 weeks early, and if they miss the birth by only coming for only a few weeks... that won't help us any.

I should say I have a very good relationship with both MIL and SIL. They both are really nice, good people and I apprecaite the fact that they would even consider coming here for a month! We have always gotten along very well, and I trust them with DC.

Also, there is the fact that SIL is so pregnant. If anything happened she would be so far away from her Dr. Does anyone know the rules about when pg women can't fly anymore?

I hope this all made sense. Any helpful ideas or advice? WWYD?

[MamaAllNatural]

You can hire a doula specifically for your child (to be with them and care for them during the birth). I know doulas who have done this and I would do it too (I am a doula). Just another option to consider.

Just another thought, it will be nice to have someone there for you and your children postpartum to help out. Maybe your new friend could be the back up and they could come when you're 38 weeks pregnant. The friend could come if you deliver before (or after) they're there.

[cinnamonamon]

What MamaAllNatural said -- my midwife just told me today that she knows of 2 or 3 doulas who specialize in young childcare during births. I may go that route myself as my family is all in Michigan.

[Tanibani]

I wouldn't have your SIL and child come... she's nearing the end of her pg and may be very tired (and there is no room in your house anyway.)

Your MIL could work! If you really get along and you know she could help you (rather than be a problem), then do it. Though it's too bad she won't do it without SIL.

It sucks - in my area - postpartum doulas charge $25 per hour.

My family is far away too.... sadly my sister and SIL (who I was hoping would stay for a month) can't.... but I'm going to hire DS's Saturday night babysitter for a month full time ($15 per hour instead of $10) to do A LOT of work:

1. She'll babysit DS and put him to sleep every night.
2. She'll make him (and me) breakfast, lunch, possibly dinner (probably not.)
3. She'll drive him to preschool 3 times a week and stay there.
4. Do laundry.
5. Tidy up.
6. Do grocery shopping.

She's basically running the house and taking care of DS while I recuperate.

I intend on staying in bed, resting for the first 2 weeks... and really taking it easy for a month.

I also belong to my local chapter of Mothers and More and they will prepare meals for the first two weeks postpartum. You can ask this of your friends... or join your local group.

[kristibb]

similar situation

I'm in a similar situation! This will be my first homebirth (DD was hospital-born in MA) and our family is all in CA, OR, and WA, and we now live in MI. I have one DD who will be 3.5 by August when the baby is due. We've lived here for about 1.5 years now, but most of my friends here have young children of their own as well as working husbands and wouldn't be able to be here for me at any time day or night.

I think I've talked my little sister (16) into coming out and hopefully she will be the main support person for DD--though I'm due August 13th (as much as that means) and her school starts back up on August 21st--she immediately blurted out, "I can miss the first week of school!" My other sis (34) agrees with her and says, "she can miss school--this is real life!!!" I'd love for this sis to come, too, but she has two kids (4 & 9) and works as well--not easy to take weeks off at a time at a moment's notice.

My mother is retired, but she's very shaky about homebirth and I wouldn't want her here if she doesn't support me in my decision. She still thinks hospital births are the safest. %^{ Hopefully I can persuade her otherwise by sending her information, though I'm not trying to make it my job to do so.

I'm looking into local doulas around here, and am hoping my MW will be a good resource for recommendations, as well as my LLL group.

I'd love to hear what you other mamas (also many doulas and midwives among you, I'm sure) have to say to Faith on all of this. And Faith, I hope you can get things worked out, too!