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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › The Childhood Years › am I the only one who is stunned by people who post their kid's birthday party photos to Facebook -- even though obviousy they didn't invite every local kid they know?
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am I the only one who is stunned by people who post their kid's birthday party photos to Facebook... - Page 2

post #21 of 52

I don't post most birthday party photos to facebook because there are other people's children in them, and I don't really feel like it's my place to share those photos.  

 

I do feel like it's oddly revealing and a little depressing when people post photos of parties and tag people in them so you can see that your friends were invited, and you know you are not invited because clearly aren't on that level of friendship with the person, but you didn't realize that until you see the photos.  

 

I'm somewhat sensitive, however, and I've stopped having parties for my younger child.  I've had three for my younger daughter and they weren't very well attended, although we had fun with the people who came.  Sometimes my daughter is invited to the parties of those whom we invited, and they are packed.  And then often they have parties and don't invite her, and I just don't want to have hurt feelings about all of this, so I figure instead of paying all this money for other people, I'll get her the gift she wants.  If I throw her a party, that ends up being the gift.

post #22 of 52

The key word here is "stunned", as in the title.  That is above and beyond any reaction I would have.  That's why I agreed with the use of "awkward" used by another pp.  Since the advent of cell phones (at least that far back) societal rules and etiquette seem to be tossed out the window left and right.  Yesterday my 30yo nephew posted on FB "I am so drunk."  What am I supposed to do with that?

 

I think another issue for me is just the new culture of birthday parties for kids.  Honestly, I've stopped inviting friends to them, partly our of deference to our friends who struggle financially.  Even a celebration these days seems like an automatic mandate for presents, and that is awkward, too.  We homeschool, so we have been able to side-step the "invite all the classmates?" conundrum.

 

FB is for people who feel comfortable enough to just "shout it all out".  I find it a bit awkward and sometimes, in the case of my nephew, inane.  But the folks in my family are on FB all the time, and it has allowed me to stay closer to them than I would have otherwise.  I also have very few friends and am mindful about what I post.  But even that is..... awkward... for this user.

 

But, no, I am nowhere near "stunned".

post #23 of 52

A third party informed me of my XMIL's death before my poor XP had had the chance to call me and tell me.  THAT i was stunned over.

 

That someone had a party with 12 5yo's at it and none of them were my DD?  Not on my radar.  I have enough trouble with my own social life without fretting about the social lives of children which have been largely constructed by adults along the lines of "who would i like to get drunk with", "who will advance me for promotion and also has a child" and "who will be most likely to help me clean up".

post #24 of 52

And then you "unfriend" those people that just don't seem to get that propriety still counts, even on FB.  People who have have no privacy controls on their page.  Or, in my opinion, political rants.  Not a problem, just not my FB "friend".

post #25 of 52

i would not compare this to them taking their photo album and "thrust it in my lap", i would compare it to them having a picture on their wall of their kid blowing out his candles and you happen to be visiting their house and see it. 

 

Would you expect them to take down the pictured on their walls before you come over? what if you come over without calling first, since of course you know their address?

 

If that seems like a silly expectation, then so is them customizing their Facebook page for you.

post #26 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Adorkable~ View Post

i would not compare this to them taking their photo album and "thrust it in my lap", i would compare it to them having a picture on their wall of their kid blowing out his candles and you happen to be visiting their house and see it. 

 

Would you expect them to take down the pictured on their walls before you come over? what if you come over without calling first, since of course you know their address?

 

If that seems like a silly expectation, then so is them customizing their Facebook page for you.


I find this response very interesting!  Clearly, you (Adorkable) - and some of the other posters - consider things posted on FB to be decorations on the user's wall, like a limitless bulletin-board hanging in cyberspace (rather than in your office), which friends and acquaintances may stop by and look at whenever they want.  

 

And, grammatically, that's exactly what's suggested by FB terminology, so it's a valid way of looking at it!

 

On the other hand, I (and evidently the OP) feel that when I post things on FB, I'm projecting them to everyone I know (and potentially to complete strangers, if I'm not careful with my privacy settings).  Think of serendipitously running into two people you know, at the grocery store, who may or may not know each other.  They both stop to say hi to you and in that brief minute before each of you must go your separate, busy ways, you each tell each other some news from your life, some funny thing your kid recently said, or you call up a picture on your phone.  Whatever you say, or show, each other would be OK to say, or show, to both people.  You wouldn't say, "So, Jane, can you go out with my friends and me on Friday night?" right in front of Kate, if you're not inviting Kate.  You'd wait and ask Jane about it privately.  To me, FB feels like running into everyone at the grocery store at the same time.

 

The latter is also a valid way of looking at FB, since when you post things on your Wall, people don't actually have to "visit your office" and "look at your bulletin board", to see what you posted.  It automatically shows up on the "bulletin boards" in their "offices", too.

 

Someone (with more free time than I have) should survey what percentage of FB users look at it the first way v. the second - and how that corresponds to personality types.

post #27 of 52

I use facebook mainly to post pictures for the grandparents (my family is out of state and the ILs live 50min away) and to keep in touch with friends out of state or country; my privacy settings are set to "friends only"; there are only 20 people and the only local ones are my dh's family. My dh has a lot more "friends" but he doesn't use it for social planning other than (sometimes) with his family--that's what his cell is for orngtongue.gif.  I have detagged all my photos and try to avoid including ones with other children.

 

We just do family parties (occasionally a friend with a child might be there) at home and take cupcakes to school for his class--that seems to be the norm at his school, perhaps due to the fact that it is a charter and students are drawn from a wide area.

post #28 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeannine View Post


I find this response very interesting!  Clearly, you (Adorkable) - and some of the other posters - consider things posted on FB to be decorations on the user's wall, like a limitless bulletin-board hanging in cyberspace (rather than in your office), which friends and acquaintances may stop by and look at whenever they want.  

 

And, grammatically, that's exactly what's suggested by FB terminology, so it's a valid way of looking at it!

 

On the other hand, I (and evidently the OP) feel that when I post things on FB, I'm projecting them to everyone I know (and potentially to complete strangers, if I'm not careful with my privacy settings).  Think of serendipitously running into two people you know, at the grocery store, who may or may not know each other.  They both stop to say hi to you and in that brief minute before each of you must go your separate, busy ways, you each tell each other some news from your life, some funny thing your kid recently said, or you call up a picture on your phone.  Whatever you say, or show, each other would be OK to say, or show, to both people.  You wouldn't say, "So, Jane, can you go out with my friends and me on Friday night?" right in front of Kate, if you're not inviting Kate.  You'd wait and ask Jane about it privately.  To me, FB feels like running into everyone at the grocery store at the same time.

 

The latter is also a valid way of looking at FB, since when you post things on your Wall, people don't actually have to "visit your office" and "look at your bulletin board", to see what you posted.  It automatically shows up on the "bulletin boards" in their "offices", too.

 

Someone (with more free time than I have) should survey what percentage of FB users look at it the first way v. the second - and how that corresponds to personality types.

 

But are you "stunned"?

 

 

post #29 of 52
That is another completely valid way of looking at it for sure, I like the comparison. I had not thought too much about it being pushed to other peoples walls as well. Since I have only my very best friends pushed to my wall(a great newish feature), that is something that I feel like I control and therefore am responsible for looking or not looking, heck I don't have to see anyone's or even be on Facebook! If folks continuously post things that rub me wrong I just take them off the list.
In general I'm a person that follows the "Law of Two Feet" : if I don't like something that others do like, I take my two feet and turn around or walk away. I'm primarily responsible for my own happiness.
post #30 of 52

Eh... I could see having felt that way when my kids were younger, but they're old enough now that they're going to hear about any party (involving someone who they consider a friend) whether or not they were there.  Life goes on.

 

If I *expected* to be invited, yeah, I would be hurt and discuss it with them.  Otherwise?  There's ALWAYS some social event in our extended circles, I'd figure there was a reason.

post #31 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post

 

But are you "stunned"?

 

 

No.
 

 

post #32 of 52

On a similar awkward-facebook-birthday note:  We invited all of the kids from daycare to my daughter's party.  It's more than we wanted to invite by far, but it seems wrong to exclude people.  We put paper invites in kids' cubbies, asked people to RSVP via email or by phone.  Today, in the parent group facebook page for our daycare, one mother posted that she'd lost the invite, and asked for the info.  Subsequently, four other people RSVP'd.  The problem with this, in my opinion, is that there are other former daycare members in the facebook group that no longer have cubbies and were therefore not invited.  Some are "graduates" who are in kindergarten.  My daughter knew them when they were at daycare last year.  There's a girl who only comes in the summer and not during the school year.  There are two girls who just recently stopped coming because their moms quit their jobs and can't/don't send them anymore.  Now these families, I'd guess six total, know there's a party and know who's invited and I feel awkward.

 

I don't like the picture thing at all.  Just this evening, (because I don't have a facebook account) I was looking at the daycare group on my husband's account.  His youngest cousin is a college freshman, and was tagged in a friend's picture.  The friend is wearing way too short shorts, and I'm getting much too much of a look at some girl's behind that I don't even know.

post #33 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by indigosky View Post

Goodness knows, I don't expect my kid (currently age 4) to get invited to the birthday party of every kid we know, or even of every kid she occasionally gets together to play with. But I do find it in poor taste for the parents of other kids to post birthday party photos to Facebook, so I can be reminded that we weren't invited. The next time we went to their house to play, they wouldn't pull out a photo album and thrust it in my lap, saying, "Here are the photos from X's last birthday party! Doesn't it look like they were having so much fun?" and then let me admire the photos of mutual acquaintance children. Seems to me that posting the photos to FB is awfully similar.
If people were more nuanced, they could block me (and other uninviteds) from seeing these photos. Or post them only to the parents of kids who are in them and out-of-town friends and relatives.
Again, I'm not hurt about not being invited. We all struggle to keep the size of our kids' parties manageable. But I thought the custom was that one didn't remind others of social gatherings they weren't invited to, unless you're a celebrity or something.
Am I crazy?


It doesn't particularly bother me to see pictures of parties that my child or myself weren't invited to.

 

I can see how seeing the pictures could be hurtful if you or your child were very, very close to the birthday child and felt excluded by not being invited. That's really the only situation where I could see a need to be extra sensitive about sharing photos.

 

 

 

 

post #34 of 52

Why feel awkward? Their kids don't go to the school any more. If they were close to your family, you would have likely invited them. And you can see someone in short shorts walking down the street.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gooseberry View Post

On a similar awkward-facebook-birthday note:  We invited all of the kids from daycare to my daughter's party.  It's more than we wanted to invite by far, but it seems wrong to exclude people.  We put paper invites in kids' cubbies, asked people to RSVP via email or by phone.  Today, in the parent group facebook page for our daycare, one mother posted that she'd lost the invite, and asked for the info.  Subsequently, four other people RSVP'd.  The problem with this, in my opinion, is that there are other former daycare members in the facebook group that no longer have cubbies and were therefore not invited.  Some are "graduates" who are in kindergarten.  My daughter knew them when they were at daycare last year.  There's a girl who only comes in the summer and not during the school year.  There are two girls who just recently stopped coming because their moms quit their jobs and can't/don't send them anymore.  Now these families, I'd guess six total, know there's a party and know who's invited and I feel awkward.

 

I don't like the picture thing at all.  Just this evening, (because I don't have a facebook account) I was looking at the daycare group on my husband's account.  His youngest cousin is a college freshman, and was tagged in a friend's picture.  The friend is wearing way too short shorts, and I'm getting much too much of a look at some girl's behind that I don't even know.



 

post #35 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post

Why feel awkward? Their kids don't go to the school any more. If they were close to your family, you would have likely invited them. And you can see someone in short shorts walking down the street.
 



 


But her experience was the kiddie version of the teenage "PARTAY!!" where you think you are inviting a few friends and the whole town shows up.  This is not exclusive to FB.  I've never had my friends post or tag inappropriate pictures or embarrassing pictures, BTW, and I am careful not to post pictures of my friends without asking.

 

post #36 of 52

You're not alone. I tend to feel hurt, or at least tempted to feel hurt, by similar things, hearing about who's doing what with who else and without me. I tend to forget about the times I *have* been invited or included. Sometimes it does seem that I am not as included as others are -- but I have not (often) counted to be sure about that.

I recognize that most people are not upset by this sort of thing, and have learned to not complain about it to just anyone.

But, however out of proportion ("stunned") or irrational or overreactive or hyper-sensitive (I dislike most of those terms, and they've all been applied to me) your feelings about it are, they are indeed your feelings, and merely recognizing that no snub was intended won't make the feelings disappear. Listen to your rational mind, AND to your emotions -- they're both giving you important information. Find an outlet for your feelings, whether venting to someone likeminded or at least someone who won't judge or be shocked by your reaction or give you advice or dismiss your feelings -- or through art, or something physical like banging on something safe or yelling in a safe place. AND listen to the rational part that knows that these folks aren't posting pictures AT you, aren't thinking about etiquette, and mean no harm.

You might also explore why this kind of thing is triggering for you... does it remind you of hurtful things from the past...

post #37 of 52
Thread Starter 
As the OP, I'll happily and easily withdraw my use of the word "stunned" -- I think people are reading too much into it. Let's make it "surprised," shall we?

The first time this happened on FB, I was surprised. Now it seems to be becoming the norm in my social circle, though, which is what led me to be, shall we say, very surprised, about what I perceive to be a real lack of simple manners.
post #38 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by indigosky View Post

As the OP, I'll happily and easily withdraw my use of the word "stunned" -- I think people are reading too much into it. Let's make it "surprised," shall we?
The first time this happened on FB, I was surprised. Now it seems to be becoming the norm in my social circle, though, which is what led me to be, shall we say, very surprised, about what I perceive to be a real lack of simple manners.


I agree.

 

post #39 of 52

I do think it should be available to only those that were invited. To me it's rude that it's simply posted for all to see. But that's me. And, you can't stop people from doing whatever they want. I think the first time (I'm not on FB) I heard from my brother that he saw pix of a party we weren't invited to on FB it hurt but after a few more snubs I have gotten over it.

post #40 of 52

I do not think that it is rude to post photos of your child's birthday party on Facebook. I would hope that the people who have bothered to friend me would be glad that my daughter had a nice party.

 

That said, I don't have a facebook account because I feel that it's a morass of privacy concerns. So, take my feedback with that grain of salt. I certainly do not mind being made aware of other peoples' parties to which we are not invited via other means. Sensitivity goes both ways - are you going to prioritize being offended by the honest sharing of pictures of a party to which you were not invited, or are you going to prioritize being happy for a child in your circle that you care for being happy?

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