TTA (trying to adopt) Chat Thread - Page 10

[PoorUglyHappy]

MNMoore - the squeaky wheel gets the grease!  I am just afraid to get on anyone's bad side and have my file put at the bottom of the pile. :)   However, I think if I knew the kids I was fighting for, I would get a little more active.  

Newbiam Mama - I just switched insurance carriers and had the same thing going on with my PCP and physical form.    How long have they known me? a few minutes.  They wrote on my physical form, "since October 2012".  I think that sounded better and then when my file doesn't get looked at for a few months, it won't seem as bad.  

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by mnmoore3 

Queenjane... No, they were never on a photo listing.  We knew the day we met them we wanted them so there was really no need.  Have you been on any Yahoo adoption groups??

i've been on lots of yahoo adoption groups  (AHTPC it think is one??  AOK? i dunno...) Did you post here years ago? I *know* "jelluasy (or however it was spelled) and ines" was a sib group name i have heard before. I wasnt sure about the photolisting since sometimes kids are listed even though they have an identified family (because of regulations in some places that require listing them within a certain time frame after TPR even if everyone knows a family will be adopting...)

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Newbian Mama 

Queen Jane - How are you? Did you ever speak with the FFA again?

i dont know the term "FFA" so i think you mean agency?

My old social worker who did my previous adoptions actually emailed me back, said the agency recently had a lot of infants and some of them will be going to TPR at some point, so now was a great time to go with her agency (which is a different agency than the one i had used before) and that there is an orientation on Saturday. I was super excited about that til my sister refused to watch my kids all day Saturday. :(  I'm going to sweeten the deal by offering more days off from our mutual job of caring for our mother, so hopefully she will relent. If so, i MIGHT be getting matched sometime within the next several months which would be awesome. This worker knows our family really well so i'd be comfortable with her. Sucks to have to start the whole process over though (i even have to take PRIDE over, blech.)

[Smithie]

Our case was continued. Our lawyer says that's not a bad thing in the circumstances. It is weird as heck to be in the same room with my DFS' mother and not be able to speak to her. Screwed up as she is, I'd like to thank her for giving birth to him. It's not like she didn't have other options. I'd like to take pictures of her so that he can have them. But instead we pretend to be invisible to each other. 

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

Our case was continued. Our lawyer says that's not a bad thing in the circumstances. It is weird as heck to be in the same room with my DFS' mother and not be able to speak to her. Screwed up as she is, I'd like to thank her for giving birth to him. It's not like she didn't have other options. I'd like to take pictures of her so that he can have them. But instead we pretend to be invisible to each other. 

Why dont you introduce yourself?

One of the nice things about attending the trial was being able to chat with bmom beforehand. Once i even gave her a ride down the street. Of course we spent time together during weekly visits too. Why doesnt he have pics of bmom?! Just walk up to her, introduce yourself, give her some pics of her son and ask if you can take some of her for him to keep. Is someone preventing you from doing this?

[MountainMamaGC]

So 2 out of 3 SWs have signed off. The 3rd is not around, so they are sending the documents for us to sign, and then we will send them back for the 3rd and final signature. After that we should hopefully be on the waiting list. 

[Smithie]

Oh, we've been introduced. We've spoken on the phone, and she gave us some pics at the visit I attended - although only of herself, not the pictures of extended family members that DFS wants so much. But that was in a period of sobriety that is now over. She is very, very upset that both the foster families involved are willing to adopt - and the last time she was using, she got into an altercation with the other foster mother on the foster mother's front lawn. I don't actually disagree with my lawyer's instructions to not start a conversation at this point - it just makes me sad. I thought that I would hate her guts for what she has done to DFS - but I just don't. My overriding emotion is gratitude that she didn't abort him. 

[Smithie]

Very exciting, MountainMama! We're about to start the paper chase all over again for the adoption process, and while I'm very excited about the possibility of this placement being permanent, the pile of blank forms makes me hyperventilate a little. 

[MountainMamaGC]

Smithie, emotions can be confusing. You think you will feel or should feel one way about something, and its a surprise when you dont feel that way. I am sure your FS Bmom, had some tragedies happen to her as well. It doesnt excuse her behaviour, but it definitely explains it. 

I met a foster mom in town here today. I have been reaching out to her, and talking about possibly introducing our daughters so she can have somewhere to send them for a playdate. She has 4 kids, 2 girls 4 and 5, and 2 boys 2 and 3. All are siblings, and all are up for adoption. Preferably they want them to stay together as a sibling group. I considered doing respite care but I only have one spare bedroom and they need somewhere to sleep, and I dont have enough beds. 

They express posted the forms, and I was hoping they would be here yesterday, but no, so monday it is. 

[Newbian Mama]

PUH - I think I may wait until January to get the physical so at least the doctor can put "since 2012" on the form. Probably no one cares except me though. My training class isn't until January anyway so I have a little time.

Queen Jane- Yes, I mean the agency. I thought Foster Family Agency (FFA)  was the common term for those kinds of agencies. Sorry about that. Were you able to attend the orientation this weekend? I've heard of few people saying they had to retake the classes for their subsequent adoptions. Doesn't make sense to me and sounds like a waste tof time and resources to boot.

MountainMamaGC - Oooh it's Monday, any news yet?

AFM - I am totally overwhelemed by the support and encouragment I am receiving. I feel quite luvky/blessed to have people in my corner rooting for me and waiting for the future kid to come home. I'm doing a lot of thinking now: thinking about joining a local chapter of a single mother's group, thnking about when's a good time to open a trust, and thinking about a backup guardian. I do not recall pondering over all of this when I was TTC.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Newbian Mama 

Queen Jane- Yes, I mean the agency. I thought Foster Family Agency (FFA)  was the common term for those kinds of agencies. Sorry about that. Were you able to attend the orientation this weekend? I've heard of few people saying they had to retake the classes for their subsequent adoptions. Doesn't make sense to me and sounds like a waste tof time and resources to boot.

I couldnt go to the training on Saturday. I'm SUPER bummed about it.   My sister refused to watch my kids. The next one is in Dec so hopefully i can rustle up childcare for that one.

I also found out that if my license has lapsed for more than a year i have to retake PRIDE...i had no idea (i think its a new-ish rule)...ugh. Im hoping i can take it online or something since it would just be a "refresher" but im not holding my breath.

on the upside, i've made some changes to my work schedule (long story) that radically changes the ages/number/etc of kids i could accept (since i will no longer be sleeping at my moms house---im her caregiver--and dont have to consider bedroom space there) which is really exciting. I still would love a younger child, but now might be open to an older sib (like a girl around 6-8yrs ) with a sibling younger than 4. Kind of exciting to think about. Im kinda wishing that i bought a full size van instead of the minivan i recently bought.
 

[queenjane]

I posted on my facebook wall about how i had to miss the orientation training and how disappointed i was. But how exciting it was that adopting another younger child might soon be a possibility. My sister (not the one who refused to watch the kids, but another one) went OFF on me (on my wall!!!), saying that i couldnt even take care of the kids i have, that im "hanging by a thread", that i dont give my kids enough attention, she even said that that was started out as a desire to help children has now turned into "bizarre self gratification"...then she posted again stating that i should be happy with the children i have, they are my first priority, i need to follow through on my committment to them before adding another (?!)....can you believe that?? Its almost like the only people who even remotely understand the desire to adopt are my adoption-mom friends. I wouldnt deny that sometimes im stressed out (hey sis wanna help relieve my stress by coming over and watching the kids while i take a nap?? didnt think so!), and im by no means a perfect mother....but it was crazy. (Plus she hardly ever even sees me with my kids despite living less than five minutes away.) Then my OTHER sister made it clear she'd no longer be watching my kids (she was watching the boys for about three hours/week for the past couple of months so i could take DD to therapy which was kinda far away.) That sister actually told me that the only way she could IMAGINE watching my kids all day (as i asked her to do so i could attend the orientation) was "if you were having emergency surgery or something"...i mean REALLY?? She says my kids are really well behaved when she does keep them, and she prides herself on being "so good" with kids and its not even that often (this weekly thing is new, and we quit therapy this week anyway so its no longer an issue.) I dont get it. It kind of sucks to be a single parent with few childcare options and then having your family essentially say they want no part of helping you out. Im just not that kind of person so its really hard for me to understand. Its not like i ever ask them to watch my kids so i can get a massage or go party or something, its like...for dental work or when i had to go to court when they were still foster kids or something like that.

So....now i need to widen my circle and try to find other options for childcare. I'm one of those people that usually only leaves my kids with family or a close friend and i dont really have friends IRL that arent my family so this will be new. it would only be for the occasional appointment or class or something, not while im working. So im sure i can figure it out.

I *thought* my family was supportive of me adopting, but i guess it turns out they are not. Bummer.
 

[Newbian Mama]

Isn't it funny how things change? First you were all set on one infant and now your circumstances have changed to allow you to adopt a sibling group. I know you've said you want lots more kids so that's awesome! I'm watching the adoption tax credit issue like a hawk; if it's extended and refundable you may be able to get your family that full-sized van afterall.

Your sisters... firstly I don't understand why adult people feel the need to hash out their personal feelings on such a public medium. Why not just talk to you in person or at least by phone? And would she question your motivation if you were birthing kids? It sounds like maybe she should stop judging less and start helping more, or just keep quiet all together.

I was just listening to a radio show about single mom's by choice and the host and guests kept reiterating that your circle of trust will change and it's okay. Of course it's easier when it's friends/family who you've known for years and trusted too but sometimes it's the mom who lives across the strreet or the dad of your kid's friend. Does your agency offer respite care? Maybe you can get to know one or two other families and trade care for each other's kids.

Big hugs to you.

[MountainMamaGC]

Seriously what is the point of express post if it takes just as long as regular mail. I guess thats what happens when you live in the mountains. Today it will be there hopefully. 

QJ- Thats sucks that your sister said that to you publicly. That is so rude. Even if she did have some concerns you were taking on too much there are nicer more mature ways to say it. Some of my mom friends here trade child care. Is that an option for you?

NM- I hope you find some friends in your group!

[Newbian Mama]

Waiting sucks. I hope it's today.

[Smithie]

Hugs to you, Katherine. For some reason I am never going to understand, the standard for whether or not one should parent an already-existing child who needs a home is always going to be higher than the standard for whether or not one should get knocked up. 

It may be that your sisters are still totally freaked over your daughter's difficult adjustment. But that doesn't give them the right to trash you on Facebook, or to accuse you of having self-gratification issues. 

[mnmoore3]

Originally Posted by queenjane 

i've been on lots of yahoo adoption groups  (AHTPC it think is one??  AOK? i dunno...) Did you post here years ago? I *know* "jelluasy (or however it was spelled) and ines" was a sib group name i have heard before. I wasnt sure about the photolisting since sometimes kids are listed even though they have an identified family (because of regulations in some places that require listing them within a certain time frame after TPR even if everyone knows a family will be adopting...)

Probably AOK, although I hardly ever posted there... :)  There's no way you have ever heard the name Jelluassy from someone other than me, I am sure!

[Smithie]

...aaaaand we have another court date. 

[Newbian Mama]

When is it? Hopefully before the year is out?

[Smithie]

Next week. The foster care review board has decided to follow this case, and it's a half a year behind schedule. Major stroke of luck for us (I think. I don't know a whole lot about the foster care review board).