TTA (trying to adopt) Chat Thread - Page 2

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by FLFosterMom 

My DH and I have 3 bio DDs and planned to adopt 2-3 boys via foster care.  We were licensed 21 mos ago and got our first placement that day--2 toddler boys.  We still have them.  Plus, they were joined by their 13 mos and 6 wk old bio sisters at 9 days and 7 days old, respectively.  We are just starting the home study process to adopt them.(our newborn is not actually free for adoption, yet.)  Our plan was to be foster parents for a while and adopt one day if the right situation presented itself.  We never imagined we would end up adopting the first children we took in.  Their adoptions are supposed to be finalized this summer.  They already feel like ours so we're all very eager for it to finally be legal.

that sounds incredibly awesome. So you have four foster (soon to be adopted) kids very young close together? sounds fun and exhausting! I thought one of my kids bmoms would have ended up having another one (who would almost certainly be brought into care) but none so far. I also was able to adopt my first placement (and third) and i'm very glad not to have to experience keeping a child for a year or two and then returning him (esp since it wouldnt have been a good situation for the child in either case.) The one foster child i did have (for just two months) was given to relatives which i was fine with. So now you have FIVE girls and two boys?? So much for making things even. :P

[loveandkindness]

Rainey Daye,  if money is the only thing holding you back from adoption, you may want to consider adopting a child listed on Reece's Rainbow.   It is a photolisting site, but it is also a fundraising site.  The average cost for an international adoption is $30,000, but I know people who have covered about 90% of that through RR.  And as far as medical care, most of the children listed there qualify as disabled and will receive free medical coverage in your state.  (But you would want to check on that.)  My friend who adopted a son with DS from Russia has an occupational therapist come twice a week for free, and free medical care.  And most insurances cover what they consider birth defects at 100% from the day of official adoption.

As far as our own international adoption -- things are not going well.  The country we were trying to adopt from has closed down adoptions and we don't know if it is temporary or long-term.   We are in contact with a missionary who is going to visit the orphanage next month and we hope to get some info about "our" little girl.  There are physicians traveling with the missionaries and we hope they can help the little ones in the short time they are there.  It is heartbreaking.

[FLFosterMom]

Originally Posted by queenjane 

that sounds incredibly awesome. So you have four foster (soon to be adopted) kids very young close together? sounds fun and exhausting! I thought one of my kids bmoms would have ended up having another one (who would almost certainly be brought into care) but none so far. I also was able to adopt my first placement (and third) and i'm very glad not to have to experience keeping a child for a year or two and then returning him (esp since it wouldnt have been a good situation for the child in either case.) The one foster child i did have (for just two months) was given to relatives which i was fine with. So now you have FIVE girls and two boys?? So much for making things even. :P

I never saw this till now.  Thanks!  We feel very lucky to have been given the opportunity to raise 4 beautiful, healthy, smart-as-a-whip kiddos.  It is incredibly exhausting most days and I regularly ask myself "what are you thinking?", but I know these days of them being so "fragile" and full of crazy amounts of energy will be just a blip on the big picture of our lives together.  Yes, we have 5 girls/2boys.  We discovered that we were probably meant to have girls.  The boy energy is something else. LOL 

We were fine with them going back to the bios if the situation was appropriate, but we found that when it came time for the powers that be to find an adoptive home, we couldn't let them go.  As a foster mom friend of mine put it, they morph into your bio-children after being in your home for so long.  

[queenjane]

Thats funny about the boy/girl thing...my daughter joined our family last and i'm pretty sure im more comfortable with boys at this point. (Its hard to tell if its just her and her issues or that parenting girls is a foreign concept to me LOL).

With my first adopted son, he was a newborn when placed, and he very quickly became "my baby"...there were only very sporadic relative visits (maybe once a month if that) and i was fairly confident that particular relative would not be adopting the baby. There were no bparent visits. It was easy to bond to him and certainly by the time tpr rolled around just before he was four months old he was every bit MY baby. But with my other son, when they called me to pick up "a one yr old" (i'd asked for another newborn and very specifically NOT another one year old like my previous short term foster child) i was shocked to see this wasnt a "baby on the hip" one yr old like my foster daughter who had just left (she wasnt even walking) it was a big BOY. He was a walking talking TODDLER. (16.5 months at placement.) AND to top it off he had been living with his dad, and was well bonded to both parents and his sister. I absolutely was "not the mama"! It was only when we were approaching TPR some months later, when he out of the blue called me "mama" that the door opened a bit from feeling like a babysitter to feeling like his mom. Now he's four and of course he's 100 percent mine.

With my daughter, well we are still working on it.
 

[excitedtobeamom]

loveandkindness-I am so sorry to hear about your country/adoption.  That must be so very hard.  We are in a bit of a similar yet different situation and we are trying to be patient while hoping it works out for our family and our hopeful child to be.  It is very hard!

[MountainMamaGC]

That must have been hard to swallow, loveandkindness.

I am going to tackle the budget/income part of the application tomorrow. Its all good, but there is just so much information to put down. I saw my specialist and he is going to give me a great medical reference. He says my blood work shows my crohns is in remission, so that is awesome.

I have a lot of nephews. I am kinda hoping we get another girl, but I am not opposed to a boy. Boys do have a different energy that is for sure.

Its all coming together slowly but surely.

[MountainMamaGC]

I want to add that since quitting TTC I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have hope again. Its also improved my relationship with my DH. I feel like I have my body back. That when we hug or get close we arent doing so just for the sole purpose of reproduction. I think I lost sight that physical contact is for more that just that. I seriously feel that lovey butterfly feeling in my stomach for him just like when we were dating. I also am able to focus and enjoy my daughter more too. I havent felt this happy in a long time.

[deborahbgkelly]

Hi,

I recognize Rainy Daye from a couple other threads. I am just gathering information at the moment, but wanted to pop in and say hello. We are considering several options for growing our family. We lost our twin boys in March and, though we were/are devastated, we feel moving forward is the best way to honor their memories.

[MountainMamaGC]

Hi Deborah.

I am sorry for your loss. Welcome to the thread.

[deborahbgkelly]

MountainMamaGC- Thank you. We haven't stopped TTC, but still feel it's a good idea to keep all our options (every one of which is beautiful) open, especially considering the long wait times for adoption.

[Mom31]

my adoptive parents tried for 8 years to have a baby- 5 of those years on an adoption list ( late 70's) and then 3 months after adopting me got pregnant.  I can write a lot about this but I really do not see the short term thinking in fertility.  they tried for 9 years to get pregnant and in the ninth year got pregnant.  It seems these days if people do not get pregnant in 6 months they are declared infertile.. This is so not the true case even if the medical industry tries to label you that way.

I wish they had just waited another year and not adopted me of course and no one can turn back time- but it is what it is. 

I tell you this not as a promise if you adopt that you will get pregnant but as a snipet into my history and the fact that ... as they say- some things are worth waiting for.  They waited 9 years and got the baby they desired!  It was just unfortunate it did not happen one year earlier for them and then they would not have adopted me... it is what it is.
 

[MountainMamaGC]

I have no problem conceiving, I have conceived 7 times in the last couple years. It just doesnt work for me, due to autoimmune issues. We stopped trying and are actually preventing now, because I no longer desire to be pregnant.

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

my adoptive parents tried for 8 years to have a baby- 5 of those years on an adoption list ( late 70's) and then 3 months after adopting me got pregnant.  I can write a lot about this but I really do not see the short term thinking in fertility.  they tried for 9 years to get pregnant and in the ninth year got pregnant.  It seems these days if people do not get pregnant in 6 months they are declared infertile.. This is so not the true case even if the medical industry tries to label you that way.

Infertile is a medical term. People get confused and think infertile means the same thing as sterile. It doesn't. Infertile means that if you've tried for 6 months - 1 year (depending on your age) and haven't conceived then you're infertile as a couple. It could be issues with the woman or the man or both. It means that future pregnancy without fertility treatments may still be possible.

Here is what the US government says infertily means:

"Infertility means not being able to get pregnant after one year of trying (or six months if a woman is 35 or older). Women who can get pregnant but are unable to stay pregnant may also be infertile."

link: http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/infertility.cfm#a

Realistically speaking, most people who TTC for 1-2 years and don't conceive/carry a pregnancy to term aren't ever going to achieve a successful pregnancy without fertility treatments. That's just reality. You can look at the statistics.

I'm sorry that Mom31 had a negative experience and feels that she was not wanted. But that's just one story and not necessarily everyone's story. Life is complicated and different couples are capable of different things. I think trying to conceive and moving forward with adoption plans is fine if both parties in the couple are 100% OK with accepting both outcomes. I also think it's fine to make plans to adopt while continuing to have sex without using BC so long as both partners accept the possibility of both an adopted child and a biolgoical child.

I think where things might go wrong are more about seeing adoption as a "2nd best option" or a back-up plan. But when the couple looks to adoption without prejudice and simply decides they want to adopt (whether or not they have bio babies) then I think it's just fine.

My husband and I began the adoption process and also continued having sex without using birth control. We were/are fine with either or both options. Right now the plan is to adopt our foster son. And then we will adopt another child. It's very unlikely that I will ever give birth given my husband's condition as well as our choice not to use donor sperm or fertility treatments. But if on some off chance it occured then we'd simply have more children in our family than we had planned. And we'd love them all the same. But again, that's very unlikely.

[MountainMamaGC]

Exactly. This option is not a consellation prize. Its just another way to expand our family. I would have considered it much sooner if it didnt cost money and involve so much time and paperwork. My mom has 4 bio children, and one daughter through guardianship. Her mother abandoned her with us at age 4. We even had her off and on before that, starting at 18 months. She is my sister, and I couldnt get rid of her even if I tried. (Trust me, it hasnt always been easy due to her having special needs.)

[Smithie]

A possible placement for us tomorrow! The little guy has been in an orphanage since he came into care just before Christmas. He is not fitting into the orphanage culture - he keeps reporting bullying to the staff instead of fighting back. We're going to go meet him and see what our gut tells us.

[kellannolin]

I can jump in as well.  We are a couple who is registered in the foster care system in our state as a preadoptive family- we are also trying to conceive.  After 2 1/2 YEARS we just got our first placement- and it is looking iffy if the little one will stay with us.  We are looking for a young child (in our state that is under 6) with a preference for under 3 which is why the wait has been so long.  We started trying to conceive a year ago because it looked like we would never be placed with a child. We are enjoying out time with the little one but it is so hard not to get attached and hope that this is perm.

[SimplyRochelle]

I'd like to join as well. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary together and have been hoping to grow our family that entire time. My sister in law was adopted when she was 2 and my husband was 10 so adoption has always been an expected thing in our relationship and it's something we discussed even before we were married. Ensuing infertility from endometriosis and many failed cycles of fertility drugs have us very ready to move onto adoption. We went to an inquiry meeting a few years ago but I soon after got into a rigorous nursing school so it got put on the backburner. I just graduated nursing school in May and we moved into a slightly larger house in April so we have finally decided, now is the time. While we had most of our paperwork filled out from before, moving to another county has changed a few things so we were advised to attend another inquiry meeting, which is on the 21st of this month. I currently volunteer as a CASA and since you can't concurrently be a CASA and a foster parent, we are hoping that we can attend our classes this summer and then once my CASA kids adoption is finalized in August, I will resign and we will be ready to open our home. I'm looking forward to some people to share the journey with!

[excitedtobeamom]

I posted on this thread on 3/11/12.  Things have changed.  We got our Th*#l#nd referral on the 30th of that month.  They called on our youngest's 1st birthday!  On 3/30/11 we were told we had a son and on 3/30/12 we were told we had a daughter.  She will be 2 in July and we hope to travel and get her in August or September.  She is adorable.  She is 8 months older than our youngest.  We are so excited and very shocked as we started this adoption in 2008 and we had been told after we adopted our 3rd that our family was too big.  They approved us anyway!

[Smithie]

Congrats on your referral, excitedtobeamom! Wow, that is quite the journey. 

We met our potential placement at the orphanage today, and he is now our actual placement  This is supposed to be a long-term placement, but I've learned not to believe THAT. We'll do right by him while we are lucky enough to have him.

[excitedtobeamom]

Congratulations to you to Smithie!  Where are you again that you get your placement from an orphanage?