TTA (trying to adopt) Chat Thread - Page 11

[MountainMamaGC]

Its official, we are on the list. :) YAY!!!!

[Smithie]

  That's awesome, MountainMama!

Well, color me shocked. My DFS' mom received the guardian ad litem's report stating that he wanted to be adopted, and she told me today at visitation that she was prepared to support that since he was clearly so happy in our home. Wow. I really hope that this lasts, and that the case goes to adoption collaboratively instead of as a big ugly legal fight. 

[MountainMamaGC]

Yay Smithie, I hope she keeps a clear mind. 

[queenjane]

MountainMama thats terrific!!!

Smithie....thats great about dfs' mom. I remember when my second adopted son was still a foster and his mom asked if i would adopt him if rights were terminated. I exchanged email addys with her at that time. She really wanted her daughter back but i think on some level felt i was enough a mother to her son to let him go. (she fought for both kids but lost, in the end.)

You might consider making an anon. email like "[e-mail]" so she has a way to contact you in the future. I set up a private fb page totally separate from my own page just for her or other bfamily where i could post pics, give updates, get updates from her (not that THAT happens much) but i could control the flow of info. Otherwise i was afraid we'd lose contact with her entirely. Have you gotten any baby/young toddler pics of your dfs? If you can get those, please try...i have one pic of my son when he was probably 2 or 3 months old that the birthmom gave me once, and it means so much...but my daughter (who came at age 8) has nothing.

[Smithie]

She really wanted her daughter back but i think on some level felt i was enough a mother to her son to let him go. (she fought for both kids but lost, in the end.)

That's part of what's going on here as well. She doesn't like the situation the babies are in (DFS has twin half-siblings who are much younger), and she's hoping to get them back. She (finally!) got a public defender, and he may be advising her that letting DFS be adopted into a good home will strengthen her case for the babies. Bottom line: she might fight for DFS, she might not, but either way I now have hope that it won't be a scorched-earth situation where we can never have contact because of safety concerns. 

We set up an email address a long time ago, and we have done a couple of phone calls, but DFS will not contact her unless I basically force him to. That's where he's at right now. He's in therapy. I hope his attitude changes at some point. 

[Newbian Mama]

Lots of exciting news on the board. I hope it keeps up and spreads into the new year.

[MountainMamaGC]

Question about social media. If we do get matched someday, I was thinking about having a family facebook profile, just for this reason. Social media is so popular, and I dont want people having access to my actual profile, but I could make a general profile about our family, with albums and stuff. Is this a bad idea?

Our agency does about 30 adoptions a year, and we are number 64 on the list, (Unofficially 62 because 2 families are matched and waiting).The number only matters when a an expectant parent comes in and they ask her what she is looking for and she has no idea what she wants. Then they skim the first 10 profiles off the top that match her situation. However if she comes in and says, I want a family that has a child, and a dog, and is active (for example). They will show her 10 profiles that match that. So it doesnt mean our profile wont get shown at first. So we have a 50% chance each year, maybe higher, because we dont expect our BMom to be perfect. 

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by MountainMamaGC 

Question about social media. If we do get matched someday, I was thinking about having a family facebook profile, just for this reason. Social media is so popular, and I dont want people having access to my actual profile, but I could make a general profile about our family, with albums and stuff. Is this a bad idea?

I dont think its a bad idea at all. I would just make sure my settings are private so i could control the information.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

We set up an email address a long time ago, and we have done a couple of phone calls, but DFS will not contact her unless I basically force him to. That's where he's at right now. He's in therapy. I hope his attitude changes at some point. 

Currently all of the contact we have (which unfortunately is minimal, on her part) is between bmom and me, not the children. I did recently offer to have my daughter write her a letter and send some school pictures, but so far she hasnt responded.

[PoorUglyHappy]

So much good news this week!

MountainMama - I hope your wait is short!  

QueenJane and Smithie - have your opinions on open adoptions changed over the years through this experience?   Do you think that your children are better off from the contact they had with their bmoms?  I ask because I was talking to a researcher at UCLA a few weeks ago and he was saying his new research is showing negative affects for open adoptions from foster care.   I was at first all for it ... but now I am rethinking my stance.  I guess that it is so dependent on the birthparents in the first place.  

[Smithie]

I guess that it is so dependent on the birthparents in the first place. 

That's probably the most important factor. I'm probably more positive about open adoption from foster care than I was this time last year, when my stance could be summed up as "No Way No How No Sir No Ma'am," but I'm not surprised to hear that new research is showing negative effects when a child has continued exposure to a person who hurt them  But having pictures of birthparents and talking about them and such, I have always seen as a good thing, and in the case of my current DFS and his mother, I think that phone and email contact and even face-to-face visits would also be safe and beneficial. She has done some awful things, but they mostly fall into the neglect category, not abuse. And he wants ongoing contact in a casual social way - not to be her caregiver again, but to see her sometimes. Their bond is kind of skewed, but it's genuine.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by PoorUglyHappy 

So much good news this week!

MountainMama - I hope your wait is short!  

QueenJane and Smithie - have your opinions on open adoptions changed over the years through this experience?   Do you think that your children are better off from the contact they had with their bmoms?  I ask because I was talking to a researcher at UCLA a few weeks ago and he was saying his new research is showing negative affects for open adoptions from foster care.   I was at first all for it ... but now I am rethinking my stance.  I guess that it is so dependent on the birthparents in the first place.  

To clarify, my children do not (at this time) have any contact with their birthfamily. I guess i consider our adoptions open because there isnt really any secrecy. DS3 and DD's bmom knows my name and could probably easily find out where we live. We have pics of her and have sporadic contact (not with the kids at this time) on fb. I am not sure when/if there will be actual contact. My daughter hasnt really asked (although seemed ok with the idea of sending a letter) and i'm not sure being sucked back into any drama would be healthy for her. DS3 almost never speaks of bmom (he was 9 months the last he actually lived with her) but often speaks of bdad (he calls him "my daddy" or "my black daddy") and wants to know where he lives, can he visit him, etc. I am not even sure how to handle that. DS2's bmom is MIA and has been since birth. There is another birth relative i'd like to reconnect with (ds2 has been asking to meet him, he met him once when he was 2 and a few times as an infant) but he has not responded to my message on fb. I need to send him an email, i guess i've been putting it off (mostly because im very introverted and the idea of setting up a meeting with someone i dont know that well doesnt appeal to me!)

If polliwog is around...she has a fairly open relationship with her kids' bfamily to varying degrees, and she might have better insight.

[MountainMamaGC]

I wasnt one to buy anything, before we knew we were approved. I just didnt want to jinx myself. However, I ordered some flannel PUL diaper covers off Etsy today. lol. I have a ton of prefolds but no covers.

[rs11]

QJ -I'm so sorry about the way your family has reacted. That really sucks. Is there a chapter of the pre and post adoption connections group in your area? I've heard a lot of people find support in them and even potential babysitters.

MM -that rocks! I hope your wait is short!

Our homestudy and our CPR classes are this week! We should hopefully have our license by the end of the year. We just found out a few days ago that my MIL is really good friends with the director of our county's CPS division, which is what we're going through. I have no idea if that will help us or not, but I imagine it can't hurt. (Though I do have this awful image of us having a problem with a cw and my DW talking to her mom about it, and then mom turns around and calls the director and asks why are are your cw's doing this to my girl? Talk about embarrassing!)

[MountainMamaGC]

rs11- How exciting. I hope the process goes off without a hitch. 

[PoorUglyHappy]

Thanks for your opinions, QueenJane and Smithie.   I was not open to the idea of open adoption and then in PS-MAPP class they showed this video of kids who were still in contact with their birth families after adoption and how important that was to them.   Then in the last class I took, they talked about how this is really not the best situation in most cases.  The research that has already been completed was all done on private adoption and not foster care adoption so the "doesn't hurt, most-likely helps" does not really apply to the foster care population. 

MountainMama - Those diaper covers sound cute!  I want to use cloth diapers but I am a little intimidated by all the options.  

RS11-  glad to hear your process is moving along.   Mine is still moving at a snail's pace.   Still waiting on lost paperwork....

[MountainMamaGC]

PUH- With my DD I did the most affordable option, prefolds with a snappi and covers. They are the easiest to take care of, and they can take a lot. I also know some people that did a combo of disposable and cloth. My friend did disposable at night when traveling and cloth at home.

[mnmoore3]

Originally Posted by queenjane 

To clarify, my children do not (at this time) have any contact with their birthfamily. I guess i consider our adoptions open because there isnt really any secrecy. DS3 and DD's bmom knows my name and could probably easily find out where we live. We have pics of her and have sporadic contact (not with the kids at this time) on fb. I am not sure when/if there will be actual contact. My daughter hasnt really asked (although seemed ok with the idea of sending a letter) and i'm not sure being sucked back into any drama would be healthy for her. DS3 almost never speaks of bmom (he was 9 months the last he actually lived with her) but often speaks of bdad (he calls him "my daddy" or "my black daddy") and wants to know where he lives, can he visit him, etc. I am not even sure how to handle that. DS2's bmom is MIA and has been since birth. There is another birth relative i'd like to reconnect with (ds2 has been asking to meet him, he met him once when he was 2 and a few times as an infant) but he has not responded to my message on fb. I need to send him an email, i guess i've been putting it off (mostly because im very introverted and the idea of setting up a meeting with someone i dont know that well doesnt appeal to me!)

If polliwog is around...she has a fairly open relationship with her kids' bfamily to varying degrees, and she might have better insight.

My girls do NOT have contact with their bio family, except their younger bio siblings.  Bio dad is in prison and writes to them and me at my mom's PO Box but the girls don't see the letters, they have no desire.  We do keep them because one day they might want to see them.  Bio mom knows my name and my cell # and the same PO Box.. .Sadly, she could careless about contact with me or the girls.  She got out of prison, got pregnant and thje state let her keep that baby (most caseworkers who knew her from my girls were NOT happy she was allowed to keep the baby).  I have recently added their bio sister to my FB (with limited access) and some distant bio family that doesn't live in the same stat as us.  I do mail pics to the bio parents every once in a while, but not often... Maybe once or twice a year.  The only contact the state requested at finalization was with the younger siblings (they were adopted the same day by a different couple - they did our adoptions together which was neat for the kids).  I think all adoptions through foster care end up having some level of openness...

[Polliwog]

QJ, having been part of that FB "discussion" with your sisters, I agree that they didn't handle it well. If you can't get someone local to watch your kids for that all day thing, I think you should take Jody up on her offer.

I have two open adoptions (one very open with birth mom and sisters adopted by other families and one sort-of open with DDs birth father and with brothers adopted by another family.) I'll post more when I get to an actual computer.

[MountainMamaGC]

So the holidays are here. What are you plans this year?

We are going to my little brothers house. They are really excited to open presents with their niece xmas morning this year. This is the first time since Lil was born that we are going to have xmas with my side of the family. I am also planning to send xmas cards asking family if they want to give something to us this year, a donation to our adoption fund would be appreciated. That was a hard letter to word. We are pretty independent as a family unit so it feels a little unusual to ask for anything. My friend offered me free childcare so I could work part time and squirrel away some money during these long winter months.