I never had the chance to labor. I still feel the pain of being cut open against my will. I knew so little back in 2003 when DD1 was born. I took the birthing class and the breastfeeding class. I read what to expect when you're expecting. I thought I was educated.
I felt very mild contractions that morning, a week and a half after my due date. I was so excited I went back to sleep after waking my husband. Mid morning I started timing them and they seemed to be five minutes apart. I was told to come in when the contractions were five minutes apart. What I didn't realize is that these contractions were not nearly as strong as they needed to be. After two successful VBAC's I now realize this.
I was sent home from the hospital and told to come back in a few days. I knew that was just silly. I was going to have a baby today. After all I was in labor. My house was an hour away from the hospital so we went for a drive. When the contractions picked up we stopped and had all you can eat chinese buffet. Then they were getting even stronger so we went to my SIL's house and I laid on her couch in pain. I told DH that something didn't feel right and wanted to go back to the hospital. He wouldn't take me. He said they just sent us home. So I threatened to call a cab!
When we got to the hospital I was put in a room and told to pee in a cup. So I went in the bathroom to pee. When I wiped this big giant ball of bloody goop flew across the bathroom and landed on the floor. My Dh and I had no idea about bloody show so we panicked and pulled the help cord in the bathroom. The nurse came in and didn't know about bloody show or a mucus plug either because she freaked and said it was meconium and ran for a doctor.
The doctor team rushed in and screwed a fetal monitor into my vagina. They said her heart rate was dangerously low. They started shouting things at me about a spinal block and a section. They started wheeling me down the hall. That's when I started FREAKING OUT! I was screaming and screaming my DH's name but he wasn't there. I was balancing off the side of the operating table and I felt like I was going to fall on my face. That's when everything went numb. I could only feel my head. My DH showed up and held my hand.
I needed to throw up that chinese food but it felt like my stomach was tied off or something. I would heave but nothing would happen. That was the worst! After a while of doctors wrestling with my organs and my DH watching the whole thing, my daughter was finally born. When I heard her cry, for a split second I forgot about the horrible situation I was in. Just for one second she was born and that was all that mattered.
Then she was gone off to the nursery. I sent DH to be with her so she wasn't alone with a bunch of strangers. In the mean time I was having a nurse jump on top of my stomach and push out all the fluid in my uterus. Talk about horrific!
I was eventually put in a shared room with a teenager who came in and vaginally delivered her baby an hour later. She was drug positive so social workers and teen friends had to pass my bed to meet with her. She kept trying to leave to go smoke! I was so pissed, I just went through hell and now I had to put up with this! Thankfully the morphine drip took the edge off my anger.
I was afraid to touch my baby though. I was too drugged. We were in the hospital for five days! She was given bottles and pacifiers and I was never even asked.
When we got home I had a hell of a time trying to figure out how to nurse her. I gave up after a few weeks of trouble. I didn't realize what I was giving up.
Our bond just wasn't there so I coped by going back to work full time! The PTSD was really bad and I had so much emotion I just couldn't heal. It wasn't till four years later with the vaginal birth of my son that I started to feel some real healing. Then again with the birth of my second daughter last year. I successfully nursed my son for 14 months and my daughter is 13 months old and were still nursing away!
I truly believe that my two drug free VBAC's have been the key to healing my emotional scars. It still hurts though! I truly believe my c section was completely unneccessary.