Cleaning

[CLC1247]

How do you get you SO to help out around the house?  Asking nicely and multiple times isn't getting me anywhere... My SO washes the laundry only because it is out of the home where he does it because we have such a bad rust problem.  But that is it...    

[CherryBombMama]

I tell him. I don't warn him or give him a list or do anything that I have read on here.

My dh is not naturally helpful.  He doesn't want to make life easier for me, it doesn't occur to him to help out and no amount of me being a sweet wife will change that.

So, in a very monotone voice, I tell him to "Polish the furniture." and hand him a rag and the polish.  Afterwards I say thank you. Or, "You need to go clean up the garage. Now. Because the babies are getting into things." and then after I ever so happily go in there, give him a thank you and a kiss and thats that. 

He doesn't do too much around the house. But I've learned the only way he responds and actually helps out is when I put my tough face on and TELL him to do it. 

[MrsGregory]

Is your SO actually doing nothing?  Mine doesn't do much inside, because he's in charge of all the outside stuff; lawn mowing, driveway sweeping, edge-trimming, chimney-rebuiling, anything to do with the attic, taking the garbage out...  The way I see it, I don't want to drag 13 gallons of gross, disgusting garbage out to the bin and then drag the bin out to the curb, it's heavy, it's probably dark out, I might see an 'possum or a roach, so no thanks.  I'd much rather be stuck with the dinner dishes.  With that being said, if I want help inside I second CherryBombMama's advice;  don't ask repeatedly, just tell.  I've found my husband wants to be thought of and described as being really extremely very helpful in terms of housework.  I think he pictures himself wearing a cape and giving interviews to an astonished news team when he does the dishes.  But he wants this to happen without actually doing very much of the housework.  And we've learned that he really cannot be trusted to do it right.  He knows the right way.  He also thinks he won't get caught.  We live with it.  He helps with things I can watch him do...  for example, last night he helped me load the dishwasher, and we chatted.  I would have rather sat on the couch and did my pedicure while he did the dishes, but, he worked a long day (and so did I, except at home!), he can't be trusted to do it correctly, and my other option was to do the dishes alone while he sat on the couch and caught up on his... whatever it is he's interested in.  Haha.  You see what I'm saying here?  Make it work for everybody!    Much luck Mama!

[earthgirl]

Would he respond well to a cleaning chart? I can't tell from your original post if he flat out refuses to help or just doesn't take the initiative. At any rate, we have a chart we go by, one we made together. I'll be the first to admit that in recent months the chart gets ignored, but it was helpful when we were actually using. We have one "big" chore for each day of the week, and on a separate section we have the things that need to be done every day. An example may be: Monday-vacuum, Tuesday- dust, Wednesday- bathrooms, etc. And then our daily section would be something like- dishes, sweeping, or whatever.  The idea is to check things off as we go. And there are things we take turns on each week. Honestly, our ENTIRE house is only clean maybe 2 times a year, but using this method, there is at least part of the house that is clean every day. It's certainly not perfect, but it's so much better than me feeling resentful and like I'm the only one who does the housework.

[wyogirl]

For the most part, I take care of the housework, laundry, and cooking.  My husband tries to help some, but he has things he does outside as well.  Something he does do is after supper he will give our son a bath so that I can clean up the kitchen and put the dishes in the dishwasher.  That is HUGE to me.  He does not do that every night, but he will do that at least twice a week without me having to ask, he offers; i feel very fortunate for that.  I do follow a schedule I have made: I clean the bathrooms (2) on Tuesdays every week from top to bottom, I dust on Mondays and Thursdays, I vacuum every other day, I sweep every day, Mop on Wednesdays, and I do 2 loads of laundry a day.  I change my sheets on Saturdays.....I hope this helps! It helps me keeps things up to par, but also not "too" overwhelming.  Hope this helps!!!

[youngspiritmom]

Originally Posted by CherryBombMama 

I tell him. I don't warn him or give him a list or do anything that I have read on here.

So, in a very monotone voice, I tell him to "Polish the furniture." and hand him a rag and the polish.  Afterwards I say thank you.

Haha! I love this, seriously I love this ........it would never work with my husband, but I am so happy it works for someone.

[LLQ1011]

I couldn't tell you. Not only does my SO do nothing... and I mean nothing, he has completely retroverted to a 6 yearold since our son was born. But any time I ask demand or so on he pretends to not hear me... even if I yell... ask 6 times... he always waits till I give up then asks me what I said. If i leave it for him he bangs it around. Like if I ak him to pick up the livingroom. If I lerve it messy he will kick and throw stuff around. Also if he does help me its usually so terrible that I would never ask again. like a teenage boy. He is driving me nuts. The only thing I have found is that I am super mad at him for something else and have been sleeping on the couch. He keeps trying to help me, hoping 'll return to bed that night. Too bad thats not it, and makes me want to keep being super mad so he will help me out a little.

[youngspiritmom]

Originally Posted by LLQ1011 

I couldn't tell you. Not only does my SO do nothing... and I mean nothing, he has completely retroverted to a 6 yearold since our son was born. But any time I ask demand or so on he pretends to not hear me... even if I yell... ask 6 times... he always waits till I give up then asks me what I said. If i leave it for him he bangs it around. Like if I ak him to pick up the livingroom. If I lerve it messy he will kick and throw stuff around. Also if he does help me its usually so terrible that I would never ask again. like a teenage boy. He is driving me nuts. The only thing I have found is that I am super mad at him for something else and have been sleeping on the couch. He keeps trying to help me, hoping 'll return to bed that night. Too bad thats not it, and makes me want to keep being super mad so he will help me out a little.

Ouch, Mama, what a hard situation . How old is your son? Sometimes having a little guy puts a strain on the whole family in general and it takes a while for things to get back in order. Not that your SO's behavior is OK. It sounds like there is a deeper issue besides just helping around the house. From how you described it sounds like you both have feelings of resentment toward the other person. Maybe the next time he does try to help you, try to explain how you are really feeling to him. Sometimes guys dont get it...

[beansmama]

Well, what has worked for me is to start treating my husband like grown up (not an extra child, like I used to). I don't nag him, or chore him, and yet he is constantly helping me around the house and with the kids - even though he works full time and participates in a separate organization 3x's a week or more.

The key really is to just admit I need help. I just tell him, "I can't pick up the house but it is sooo thrashed right now, can you please help me?". He says of course, does it, and then I let him know how grateful I am (don't forget this part...this is what will get you more help next time). Men really *do* like to rescue their "damsels in distress"...even if the distress is just a sink full of dirty dishes. And as long as they know they are appreciated and NOT being controlled or nagged to death.

Anyway, I've been doing this for about 3 months now and my husband helps out SO much more than he ever has. He's never said no or even dragged his feet  when I've asked him to do something. The best part is he frequently does "my" chores now without me even having to ask. I think that's pretty awesome. Yesterday, I was picking up my 2 year olds room and dh saw what I was doing and told me to stop and that he would finish it! And, some of you may not want to be the "damsel in distress"...but it works, without having to pull teeth, and you don't turn into that woman that makes all other men happy they are still single ;-P

Good luck!

PM me if you want some book recommends or more advice! <3

[beansmama]

Originally Posted by MrsGregory 

 With that being said, if I want help inside I second CherryBombMama's advice;  don't ask repeatedly, just tell. 

I'm sorry, this just really makes my skin crawl. I realize this is just you "seconding" the original comment, btw. So this is not just directed at you.

Think about it, ladies. Just TELL your husband what to do, "Polish the furniture" in a monotone voice and hand him a rag and some furniture polish? Really? What if the situation is reverse? How would you feel if your husband came up to you with some a skillet and spatula, and said monotone, "Make the dinner". I think we'd have a freaking hay day here on MDC, telling the wife to leave her jerk of a husband.

If you treat your man like he's 6 - he's going to act like he's 6. Why would he rise above that? Afterall, by you (and I mean the general "you"....whoever happens to be reading this ;) treating him like he's six, he knows how low the expectations are set. If he's naturally inclined to be the lazy type, well, that just made it easy for him. If you treat your man like you are his mother, he's probably going to act like a kid and "rebel" because you are not his mother, and he doesn't want to be controlled.

And if he does "obey you". Did you really win? Do you really want a husband who just follows orders like a robot, or one who adores you and likes to help out to make your life easier? The latter IS possible, and it will NEVER be accomplished by ordering around anyone.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by beansmama 

Well, what has worked for me is to start treating my husband like grown up (not an extra child, like I used to). I don't nag him, or chore him, and yet he is constantly helping me around the house and with the kids - even though he works full time and participates in a separate organization 3x's a week or more.

The key really is to just admit I need help. I just tell him, "I can't pick up the house but it is sooo thrashed right now, can you please help me?". He says of course, does it, and then I let him know how grateful I am (don't forget this part...this is what will get you more help next time). Men really *do* like to rescue their "damsels in distress"...even if the distress is just a sink full of dirty dishes. And as long as they know they are appreciated and NOT being controlled or nagged to death.

Anyway, I've been doing this for about 3 months now and my husband helps out SO much more than he ever has. He's never said no or even dragged his feet  when I've asked him to do something. The best part is he frequently does "my" chores now without me even having to ask. I think that's pretty awesome. Yesterday, I was picking up my 2 year olds room and dh saw what I was doing and told me to stop and that he would finish it! And, some of you may not want to be the "damsel in distress"...but it works, without having to pull teeth, and you don't turn into that woman that makes all other men happy they are still single ;-P

Good luck!

PM me if you want some book recommends or more advice! <3

This is how it works here, too. Sometimes I don't even need to ask, just expressing frustration tunes him in that I need help: "I've been trying to do laundry all day, but the baby hasn't let me put her down. I feel so aggravated about it!" And next thing I know, he's got a load going.

I tell him something like "I was thinking about you being stuck outside at work in that rain and I thought you'd want an extra cozy bed tonight." when I've done the sheets. If you say when you're thinking about them, it makes them feel good and maybe they think of doing something nice for you. A lot of things you have to get around to this week can be made into special little things you did for him... it probably won't occur to him that you had to change the sheets anyway because were it up to him to get it done they'd still be a stinking disaster.

The other thing that helps is to not expect that the job will be done the way you'd do it, or that the job will be completed. My husband has a specific bowl he likes to use for soup, so he'll go looking in the dishwasher for it. If the dishes are clean, he'll unload the dishwasher... but when the microwave beeps, he's done. I could get upset that he didn't throw the dirty dishes in while he was there, or if he did that, that he didn't wipe down the counters... but if all he ever does is unload the dishwasher, he's still made my job easier. It's that glass half empty/half full thing. I let him know that it makes a difference to me, and he does it more.

Another thing I've recently noticed but I'm not sure if it's a fluke or temporary is, since I've given the kids a few household  tasks, he's been more likely to just pick up and decide to clean something. I don't know if he's trying to be a good example to them, or if he wants some of the praise they've been getting or what... but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe it would change the vibe of the house if you got the kids in on it (if you have school aged kids?)

[youngspiritmom]

beansmama, and mummoth I really appreciate this advice and perspective. I've just had some problems putting what you say into action consistently. I always end up explicitly stating "You need to help me with ____." (my husband probably considers this nagging), and usually that doesn't work either. My husband has very traditional gender roles stuck into his head (i.e. woman takes care of kids and cleans). Have any mama's here tried the "make your husband feel appreciated" approach and failed? Succeeded? What worked and what didn't? I reaaaaalllly need help with this.

[MrsGregory]

beansmama, I hear you when you say your post isn't directed at me, but when you quote me directly and state that [my communication style] makes your skin crawl, I have to admit, I find it a little rude.  I'm treating my husband the same way I would treat any other grown adult I co-habitated with who was unable to keep a tidy house.  He doesn't see the mess.  He doesn't see what needs to be done inside.  I know very well why he doesn't see, and I'm keenly aware of why he doesn't do a thorough job cleaning when he does clean.  Taking the time and making the effort to change that aspect of him would be (and was) far more difficult than just saying "Go take your shoes off!" when he's on the carpet in shoes, or telling him "I need help in the kitchen; please empty the dishwasher and wipe down the stove." just like that.  He sees me frustrated.  He wants to help.  He just doesn't, can't put all the steps together.  So why should we both be aggravated?

Let's flip it another way - if a husband wasn't getting the hints in bed, would anyone have a problem with advising the wife to say to him: "Touch me like this, here." or "That tickles in a bad way.  Stop." directly?  Some people are just a little clueless sometimes.  Some people need to be told things directly.  Some of these people may be our husbands.

He's not being "ordered around" without his express consent - he is MUCH happier now that he knows that he's actually being useful, and I'm much happier as well.

I'm posting a reply not to stir the pot or start an argument, but because our communication style works very well for us, works very well for other couples, might work very well for some people reading this thread, and really doesn't deserve to be judged so harshly.  

[luckiest]

Originally Posted by earthgirl 

We have one "big" chore for each day of the week, and on a separate section we have the things that need to be done every day. An example may be: Monday-vacuum, Tuesday- dust, Wednesday- bathrooms, etc. And then our daily section would be something like- dishes, sweeping, or whatever.  The idea is to check things off as we go.

This is exactly what we do.  I made up a chart with one big chore for Monday through Friday, and I check off what I get done.  Whatever I didn't get to gets done on the weekend by DH.  It is so, so , so incredibly helpful.  We started using it because DH never knew where to pitch in, and I'm often too frazzled to even remember what needs to get done.  There were lots of times when I'd look up to see him mopping the floor, which I'd just done the day before, meanwhile the bathrooms are ick.  So this keeps us on track.

It was a revelation to me when I realized that DH desperately needed my guidance on where to help.  He wants to, but didn't know how.  I didn't want to "nag" him, but saying, "I could really use your help with XYZ" is not nagging.  It's asking for help when you need it.  

In addition to the chart, we have daily chores that aren't written, but that we have kind of an evening routine with.  I make dinner while DH plays with DS, DH does dishes, and then DH takes DS on a walk while I tidy up from the day and take as shower.  Then everything is done before bedtime, and we can all go to sleep at the same time.

[iowaorganic]

hmmm.  flame away- but I bribe with sex :)