Mean self-talk comes over me so suddenly and overwhelmingly. Stuff like, "I hate you, You're a horrible mother. You're a horrible person. Please forgive me." I don't know what the 'forgive me' means. But the phrases just blossom in my head whenever I'm contemplating something I should have done.
Sudden feelings of regret and shame out of no where, connected to nothing.
Playing out scenarios in my head where it's like I'm remember something I did wrong, I'm really embarrassed about it, I end up crying and feeling horrible -but it didn't happen! I'm almost startled when I realize "Hey! This didn't actually happen! Quit beating yourself up!"
I can't handle any strong negative feelings or frustrations. It's horrible, exhausting and almost physically painful. So I've got it clamped down tight with medication. Yes, I don't blow up at my kids or my husband much.
But I also withdraw, head down, deny and ignore what's going on around me: daughter is bored and spoiled, son is bored and getting over weight. They're not learning life skills. House is falling apart around us. We're in financial straits -losing the house. I've gotten really good at quickly distracting myself and putting the mounting panic out of my head.
I'm 43 y.o., my eldest is 17 y.o. and I'm getting panicky. I've wasted soooooo much time and opportunity, with my head down, all because I never learned how to cope, how to get on with it.
I'm really, really stuck. I'm frozen.
When I can see clearly I look around and see that there is NOTHING external holding me back. I've got myself dug into this horrible, comfortable little rut. I don't know how to get up and out.
Well, it's good to get this in writing.