After losing track of how many medical professionals I've seen, I have one nagging question: Can I really be only mother who hates her body because it just doesn’t work anymore? I don’t care how it looks. I don’t have the energy to care about that. Since giving birth almost nine months ago with nearly every intervention but the caesarean, I feel as if my body is ruined. My joints ache. My hips still hurt and don’t work properly. When I sit and stand, I still can feel the scars from where I tore after days of labor and three hours of pushing out my posterior child. I just feel ruined. My husband gets back from the sandbox in a couple of months, and I’m not looking forward to telling him how I am still broken. I used to be strong and physically independent, but now I just feel defeated and worthy of the garbage heap. The garden I started when we conceived looks terrible because of what has happened to me. My house is a mess. The cars are poorly maintained when I know full well how to care for them. All I want to do is escape this body, but I’m still here on the couch with a napping baby and a yard that needs mowing. Does this part ever end?
This has been such a trying non-recovery that I got an IUD as soon as my providers would allow. I am terrified of another pregnancy with horrible joint pain and of dealing with the postpartum period without adequate drugs or support. I had wanted a natural, non-medicated birth, but now I can’t imagine anything but surgery and drugs with this awful body of mine. Is this normal?