~~Infertility ONE Thread March 2012~~ - Page 7

[teresaresa]

Sourire: I totally feel you on the sugar binge! I made Irish Potato Candy for my co-workers for St. Patrick's Day, and I ended up eating what felt like a million of them. They're just so darn good. Maybe that's why I was all weepy and cranky last night and this AM. I'm sorry you and DH had a fight, but maybe you'll have some awesome make up sex later tonight!!! Glad you caught the Femara in time. Not sure what CD you're on, but I know there is a little flexibility in when you start it. Even still, 2am is a good catch in my book!

Ladies, I woke up this AM to a chilly, dreary looking day, and I have to say that my mood matched. I didn't sleep well last night because I was super anxious about having already O'd and missing my window. I had to give myself a strenuous pep talk in the mirror that all was going to be OK. Well, let me tell you... it's more than OK. It's pretty amazingly awesome!!!! RE said he's looking for follicles that are between 16 and 22 - I had a 17 and a 19 on the right side!!!! And, I think I've mentioned before that he wants the lining to be at least 6mm and a structure rating of 1. Wait for it.... my lining was 11mm and a (1) !!!! I'm doing somersaults (well, in my head), I'm so excited. My lining has always been around 7mm, so this is a huge improvement. Going back for IUI #1 this afternoon and then #2 tomorrow! Yippee!!!!

[toothfairy2be]

Sourire- Must be the weather or the moon or something. I am sitting here munching on Jelly beans (starburst fav-reds) and did all day yesterday as well... I know I shouldn't but I just can't stop. I will give you every detail on the surgery! I am planning on going back to work Monday (Thursday surgery) only because I have to. I don't get paid if I don't work and I can't waste vacation days or else I won't get any vacation this year (I only get 2 weeks). I would guess if you have it you can take more time. They suggest at least one week- possibly 2 out of work- just not realistic for my life right now. As far as scheduling it just happens to fall in that time for me, they will do anytime of your cycle. Good save on remembering the Femara in the middle of the night!

teresa- OMG all of those things sound amazing. Getting all that bad energy out let you focus all the good energy on amazing follicles and lining, YAY!!! Hope you had an easy IUI and another tomorrow :)

hope- you and DH sound like you are so well planned. I understand clearing the air before it becomes a problem- DH asks me from time to time when I say/do/respond in a crazy way whether it is just the meds. Sad to say most of the time I just don't know... somehow when our minds are that distorted we cannot comprehend that it is just the meds, our minds really do feel like it is that big a deal when on a normal day it would not be. Oh the things we do for babies! Yippee for O though!!! Get this thing started!

Sila- oh you are so brave and committed as I sit here eating jelly beans... I cannot say no to sugar. Though I try, it is my achilles heal. How long is this candidia diet before the fungus is all gone?? I'm excited for your new appt on Monday- only a few more days!

 Hi Wissa- we are pulling for you guys too!!

AFM- Nothing exciting today other than jelly bean eating. Well that and I think a cold is trying to invade my personal space. My nose is stuffy and post nasal drippy- little cough little sneeze. Hoping to sleep it off. 2 more days til test day. I feel not pregnant. sigh...

[SilaMarila]

Teresa - I knew it! I knew you hadn't ovulated yet! Did you trigger this morning then or tomorrow? I hope IUI #1 went well today and that the second does as well! I forget, does DH have any swimmer issues? Woohoo for excellent lining too!

Hope - It's kind of bittersweet that you guys know what to expect since you've done this before. I hope it truly works to your benefit and that you guys come out on the other side soon. It sounds like your DH is a great teammate and parter to know what he needs to do even if he isn't necessarily doing it with a smile and servant heart.

Hope/tfairy - DH and I didn't follow instructions to avoid/use protection given to us by our acupuncturist and I miraculously got pg only to lose the pregnancy around 5wks. Though I'm EXTREMELY stubborn, I think I might also be a little superstitious now. I just have to wonder...if we had listened none of that would have happened.

Sourire/Teresa - Have some treats for me! Sigh...

Sourire - I can just imagine you flying out of bed at 2am! That's what I would have done. Glad you remembered!

AFM - Boring. Just counting the days until my appt and until I'm done with Provera. I'm going to compile a little list of questions this weekend to take with me monday. We scheduled a camping trip for the second week in April and I'm hoping that AF comes in a timely manner and that our camping won't interfere with monitoring. 

[shesaidboom]

Hi ladies. Sorry I've been so quiet lately. I've been reading and thinking of all of you. I want things to go well so badly for all of you. I've been having a hard time with things and am upset with myself because I missed my appointment with the counselor. I thought it was this morning and was all ready to go when I realized it was actually yesterday. They rescheduled me for next Thursday without a problem. Phew! I'm going to test tomorrow morning since I know I ovulated the Friday before last. Technically my 14dpo will be Saturday, but since the uptown clinic isn't open on weekends I'm having my beta on Monday. Saturday is also mine and dp's 7th anniversary, so it would be nice to be celebrating a BFP too. I'm getting a lot of symptoms from the progesterone, but I don't *feel* pregnant. I'll let you know how the testing goes tomorrow.

[hope4light]

Sourire - She is very nice, I think I'm liking her!!  LOL on waking up at 2am to take the Femara.  I can just imagine the panic upon waking up and realizing that you forgot it!!!

teresa - That's AWESOME!!!  Nice pretty follies, a great lining, it's an amazing lead up into what I'm hoping is your BFP!!

tf2b -  It's so true though, is it the meds?  Is it crazy hormones?  Is it this journey wearing on us?  Who knows.  I hope you can fight off the cold, it's this crazy weather that I think EVERYONE is getting.  Ugh...  I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you for tomorrow and testing.  Let us know.

sila - It really is bittersweet.  We're really hoping that we learned enough from past experiences to make it easier this time around.  I really am lucky that he is such a great partner.  He admits that he doesn't understand some of the reasoning behind why we go through some of the things that we go through, but he's willing to do it, for me (and our DD).  The main one being that he is willing to go right to donor sperm, which we could do an IUI then instead of IVF.  But I know, and he has admitted to me, that he would love a biological baby.  I'm a lucky woman, I really am.  After we went through primary IF we actually split up for a year, and I thought there was no way he'd ever take me back.  But in all HIS insanity, he did with open arms.  A very, very good man, I am a very, very lucky woman.

Ugh, thanks for the FYI there.... it's so hard to believe that it actually COULD happen, isn't it?  Which makes it easy to NOT follow directions.... although admittedly my RE didn't say anything about us abstaining....

It's getting close!!  I love camping!  Where are you guys going?  We are camping for our anniversary this year, and I'm hoping that I'll be nice and uncomfortable sleeping in a tent, hoping that I'll be a couple months pregnant!!!
 

 shesaidboom - I've been wondering about you.  I'm so sorry that it's been so tough for you lately.  IF really does suck.  Badly.  I wish that none of us had to go through it, we don't deserve it.  I'm glad that your counseling appt got rescheduled.  Big hugs, sending baby dust your way for tomorrow. 

[Sourire]

teresa - I'm supposed to start the Femara on CD3 but the nurse said to count CD1 as the first day of heavy bleeding and I only had heavy bleeding on CD2 so I started the Femara on CD4.

2 follies = double the chances I hope! And your lining sounds incredible! I hope this new approach is what gets you your BFP. Did you RE confirm whether you were on the verge of Oing on your own? How big have your follicles been for previous IUIs?

toothfairy - I hope you have a really quick recovery so that you have no problem going back to work after. If I get a note from a doctor I can take my recovery time as paid sick days so I can get as much time off as I want, I'm very lucky.

Whenever I have any doubt about whether my behavior is due to the meds or not, I blame it on the meds! It makes me feel less bad for acting that way, and DH feels less bad too because he knows that I didn't really mean whatever I said or did. Everyone wins!

Sila - I'm a big fan of having lists of questions for the RE. My next appointment is in 2 weeks and I've already started my mental list. DH and I even rehearse the list together before we go so that DH fully understands why I am asking each question and what I want the RE to do, that way he can back me up.

shesaidboom - I'm so sorry you missed your appointment. Thank god you got another one soon. Its ok to find things hard, we just have to take things one day at a time and do the best we can. I'm really hoping for a surprise BFP for you this morning.

Hope - when you and your DH separated was it before or after you got pregnant with your DD? Can you give the rest of us some advice on how to avoid having relationship issues? I'm always worried that I'll drive DH away with my crazy behavior when I'm on meds. He's mentioned that I talk about TTC/IF way too much so I've been making a conscious effort to talk more about stuff he's interested in. He also says I should "turn my tongue in my mouth 10 times" (French expression) before I say something hurtful which is a lot harder for me to do!

AFM - I have this plan to help minimize med side effects which worked really well for me last month: eat healthy, get at least 8.5 hours of sleep per night, and do yoga at least every other day. All of these are things that make me feel really good and they tend to offset the crappy feelings I get on meds. We'll I've totally abandoned all 3 of those things in the past week, and now I feel like crap! I really need to start doing them again.

[shesaidboom]

BFN. There's still a small chance that I'll get a BFP tomorrow or Monday, but I doubt it. I know I definitely ovulated two Fridays ago, so it should show up by now.

[hope4light]

shesaidboom - I'm so sorry.  I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that it will be a BFP, but I wanted to send you hugs.
 

Sourire - At least you know what helps/makes the cycle worse!  That's awesome, now you just have to keep up the taking care of yourself!!

Hope - when you and your DH separated was it before or after you got pregnant with your DD? Can you give the rest of us some advice on how to avoid having relationship issues? I'm always worried that I'll drive DH away with my crazy behavior when I'm on meds. He's mentioned that I talk about TTC/IF way too much so I've been making a conscious effort to talk more about stuff he's interested in. He also says I should "turn my tongue in my mouth 10 times" (French expression) before I say something hurtful which is a lot harder for me to do!

Oh boy.  We split before getting pregnant with DD.  We were apart for a year.  Let me start by telling you what we did WRONG.  We talked about TTC/IF, a lot.  But we didn't really TALK.  I think we were trying to protect ourselves so we kept the conversations a little too 'surface' if that makes sense.  I mean, we discussed our fears, but there were things that weren't understood.  He didn't understand my reluctance to move to donor sperm.  He never clearly communicated that he was OK with going in that direction.  I had a difficult time communicating why it was so important to me to carry our child.  I had a hard time communicating exactly how the hormones made me feel.   I touched on the subject of getting on some meds for depression, and he scoffed at it instead of listening to what I was trying to tell him.  So instead of pushing, or just doing it, I let him make me feel like it would mean I was weak.  With each canceled cycle, each BFN, we didn't take the time to grieve the loss.  We just dove into the next cycle, the next attempt.  We didn't realize that we needed to grieve, so we never talked about it.  Because of these things that we didn't discuss, I started to find myself blaming.  Him that we were going through IF.  Me that my embies didn't stick.  Instead of getting counseling right away I sunk into myself and started drinking.  When I looked at him I could only see what 'he' couldn't give me.  It was a severe downward spiral into depression and I still didn't get help.  By the time we tried marriage counseling, I was too far gone and only went to a couple of appointments.  

The advise I can give.  First is to communicate.  I know that this 'seems' like an obvious one, but you need to take it a step further.  If one day you're having a really hard time because you're the one that has to take all the hormones, etc, you NEED to tell him.  But not in an accusatory way, which is easier said than done.  You need to explain to him going into the conversation that you are just trying to let him know how you are feeling and why.  Then tell him.  If you are feeling things but are keeping them in because you think it will hurt him, then seek counseling to have them help you through how to talk to your partner.  Allow yourself time to grieve, be it grieving between cycles, before moving onto the next step, grieve it being biologically yours if there is a donor involved, etc.  If you feel yourself hitting rock bottom, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Take a cycle off, get on some meds, whatever.  Only you can tell what it is that you need, but you need to listen to yourself, reach deep inside and identify what it is that you need.  When I hit that boiling over point it was just too late, and that's when everything fell apart.  

We got to the point where we couldn't even have a civil conversation.  He started sleeping in the guest bedroom.  Then he moved out and in with his mom.  Then I took a job and moved almost 4 hours away.  The only reason we talked at all was because we still owned a home together.  I am thankful for that damn house, because after I moved we both went on with our lives, and it kept us in communication.  We both got counseling on our own, and eventually we became friends again, and then I think we both realized why we fell in love in the first place.  And we started over.

So my last piece of advise is this: when it gets bad, when you feel like it's rock bottom, take the time to remember WHY you are here and doing this.  What made you fell in love with that person.  If you don't want to let him hold you, do it anyway.  Cuddle.  Go away when it's not around O time for a long weekend and do whatever it is you have to do to make the other person feel sexy, and to make YOU feel sexy.  Bring it back to before it became baby making sex.  Rekindle those hours you used to spend talking about everything and nothing (that has nothing to do with TTC and IF).  Remember why you fell in love in the first place.

I know that's a lot, and it may not help.  But if one little thing I said does, then that's a good thing!!!  It was honestly one of the worst times in my life, one of the few things that I almost regret.  THIS is why we refused to try again without the counseling.  
 

[SilaMarila]

I had grand plans of personals but I'm just too pooped. I'll try agin tomorrow.

I'm watching my pregnant best friends this weekend. I especially say "I" because DH works graveyards and sleeps most of the day so I'm doing it all with 3 kiddos. It's fun but I'm tired! 1 day down, one to go! I can tell my friend tries really hard not to complain about how sick and terrible she is feeling in my presence because she knows I would give anything to feel like that. Last night she was definitely wearing maternity jeans and she's only 7wks and of course not showing. It really pissed me off for some reason. Vent over.

I've had some cramping on and of today and would love for it to mean AF is coming sooner than later. I've also been a bottomless pit today and that is another good sign. Thanks to my diet I binged on rice cakes and tahini because they seemed so good. But not as good as chocolate. 2 more days of Provera...

[toothfairy2be]

BFN here too, on top of the head cold from hell. Happy St Paddys Day, hope someone is making good use of my share of luck...

[shesaidboom]

I'm so sorry ladies. Why can't we get some luck in here?

[saphrons]

How soon have you ladies tested after a 3 day or 5 day embryo transfer? What was the outcome? Please note whether it was a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

[toothfairy2be]

saphrons- I'm not sure how much help we will be, I believe our only IVFers are renavoo (graduate- FET), and hope4light... I wish you great luck and hope that you get your BFP soon!

shesaidboom- does seem like we just can't quite get on the lucky train right now... hopefully the spring brings up better fertility!

silamarila- I hope AF is making her appearance soon so you can get a move on! Good Luck with your appointment tomorrow, I hope they have a better insight to what will work for you.

hope4light- wow, you are so lucky that everything held together so you could make it work again. Thanks for your insight into parenting in general but more so parenting after IF. It is one benefit we have from trying so hard, we have a lot of time to appreciate the patience/love/support from our spouse and learn to ask for all of those things when we need them. I hope this is it for you, when do you get your test results. Seeing all the meds must be exhilarating and overwhelming... so many possibilities.

Sourire- Are you starting a Femara cycle now? I agree that working out and relaxing certainly keeps the crazy feeling at least controllable. I'm really pulling for you to graduate- come on BFP! When is your next RE appt- will you be inquiring about laproscopy?

AFM- AF is trying her damndest to come early... I think she will hold off until tomorrow but the spotting/cramps have been pretty bad. I may 'forget' to go for my beta tomorrow. It just seems silly since AF is here and I'm not doing anther cycle AND I'm changing doctors... I am feeling remarkably at peace, like any other day. I guess I didn't think this would work from the start so it doesn't hurt as bad. It helps that this is 'cheat week' and I have indulged in everything I haven't eaten since Jan 1st. Including but not limited to: pizza. cadbury mini eggs, ice cream with hot fudge, birthday cake, chinese food, munchkins, a raspberry croissant. I did make a nice healthy salad with grilled chicken and asparagus tonight because I don't think my body can handle more crap right now, my stomach is so sick. I am in every form punishing my body for not behaving... punishing myself too, but I do think if I saw a shrink they would relate my bad eating to what I just said, some subliminal or something way of punishing my body and myself I spose for not living up to my own expectations. I have myself all figured out, probably why I stay so stable through this crap , I've taken enough psychology to analyze myself and snap out of feeling bad for myself. At least for today, right?! Ohh let's think, anything torturous this weekend... I saw a movie that the previews had ' What to expect when you're expecting' and DH was even like WTF it is seriously everywhere. He said the same thing when we walked our dog today and there is an open house around the corner with a family getting out- 3ish yr little girl, newborn baby, parents both glowing-- ugh, that was our dream... Also, my cousin adopted my pretty kitty this weekend. I am happy she is at a new home and I hope they will love her. It is for the best, we really wanted to get down to just the dog for when we had a baby so we have been trying to get her adopted, but now she is gone and I still am not pregnant. Now after surgery I have no pretty little kitty to purr and snuggle me... DH is convinced she will be back in the next 6 mos anyway (cousin is 22 and just got an apt with his g/f and a roommate- at least they took our kitty for a trial run if needed instead of adopting a new kitty that would need a new home if it doesnt work out!!).  Wow, that was a long AFM- sorry ladies, not TTC is boring me already!

[monkeyscience]

Drive by to say... cait, shesaidboom - So sorry about the BFNs. Hoping that changes in the future bring better results!

[shesaidboom]

Thanks for all the well wishes.

toothfairy - I'm with you on wanting to "forget" to go to the beta.

My beta is early tomorrow morning and I just cannot sleep. I already know the answer, so it seems so pointless to go. Still, I'm trying to convince myself there is still a tiny chance. My lower back has been hurting badly over the past couple days, which I've never had before, and my nips are still really sore. Of course these are just more generic symptoms, but who knows. I want AF to show up as quickly as possible, but to be honest, I am dreading another cycle with injectibles. I am actually having panic attacks over it because of how sick they made me this time. I would be okay with it if I knew it was for IVF. A couple awful weeks and then we'd most likely have enough embryos for two or three rounds if needed. I can't do this two more IUIs and then IVF thing.

[hope4light]

tf2b - I'm so sorry, big hugs.     I'm glad that you're feeling at peace with this cycle.  Not good to punish yourself though!!  Try to take care, even though I know you're at peace!

I do consider it lucky that we were able to work things out.  I should hear sometime today to start Lupron, so I am very excited.  I couldn't fall asleep last night, I think in part because I was crazy thinking about today, and then crazy thinking about PIO in a few weeks!!
 

saph - I had a 3 day transfer in the past IVF life, and my beta was just about 2 weeks later.  By the end of the first week I just KNEW that I wasn't pregnant, and I was right.  I never did POAS, I just waited for the beta.
 

shesaidboom - hang in there, I'm hoping for a miracle BFP for you today a well.  I know what you mean about dreading another injectible cycle - they get really old, really quick.  And to know that you have at LEAST three more (potentially - the 2 IUI's and then IVF) is kinda disheartening.  I'm just hoping hoping hoping you don't need them!!  

AFM - just waiting to hear back on my bloodwork today, hoping to get this cycle started!!!

[Sourire]

toothfairy, shesaidboom - so sorry to hear about the BFNs.

Hope - thanks for sharing your story. I cried when I read it, that must have been so hard. I am so glad for the advice you gave, I know it will definitely help me and DH.

saphrons - I wish I could give you input but I've never had an IVF yet. Best of luck with your testing.

Sila - I hope you survived the weekend and that AF shows up soon.

toothfairy - I would totally forget to go for the beta too if I were you. It seems like a waste of time. I hope that you're enjoying your punishment, all that junk food sounds pretty yummy!

shesaidboom - sorry about the panic attacks, they are not fun! Can't you just skip to the next step right away instead of doing 2 more IUIs? It sounds like they are causing you a lot of anxiety.

AFM - I just took my last dose of Femara yesterday. My ultrasound will be on Wednesday and I'll probably trigger then too. I have an appointment with my RE next week and I'll definitely try to convince him that I need a laparoscopy.

[shesaidboom]

hope4light - you're exactly right.

Sourire - that's what I'd like to do but our RE said no. I made an appointment to see her again tomorrow and hopefully things will change.

AFM, had my beta this morning. I already knew the result, but it sucks to have it confirmed. I'm going to see my RE tomorrow to see if we can't do IVF now instead of waiting another two cycles that I already have no hope for. Come on AF, let's get this next cycle started!

[SilaMarila]

Because I'm really excited about how things went at my appointment today and because DH is sleeping, I have to tell you guys! I'm sorry, I promise I'll go back to being less self-centered soon and do some personals when I have the time! Then Mothering was down ugh and now I only have a few min. If you aren't interested, just skip this post 

This RE was much different than my first one. So much more professional, knowledgeable and extensive! It was totally worth waiting the 2 + months to get in with him! 

He is definitely more concerned with DH's IF than with mine. He is confident we can make me ovulate no matter what, but not at all confident in DH's swimmers. He's ordered a Sperm Penetration Assay for DH (count, motility, morphology will be done at the same time). Basically seeing if his sperm can even penetrate an egg if they are put right in front of it. Results may be better than IRL because of the test conditions, and if they are good, then IUI us still an option. If they are 0 and poor, we'll being going straight to IVF. He also ordered b/w for DH since he has never had any and may send him to a Urologist as well. 

AFM - He answered all my questions very well. He was not happy that my previous RE did not do an HSG and I'll be scheduling it once I get AF. As for why I don't ovulate well on my own, he thinks it may just be my body's "normal" in a sense. Even though my FSH comes back within normal, it's not enough not make me ovulate. We don't know if a higher dose of Clomid will work until we try. Even so, I'll be on to injectables to get in 2/3 cycles if I'm not pg by then because we can only up the Clomid 2 more times. And because of my age, time is on our side blah blah blah. The official plan as far as meds will be decided after DH's penetration results. There were 2 things I had not been tested for recently that he tested for. DHEAS and testosterone. A yr ago I had my GP run all my hormones as a start and I'll have dig out the paper, but either DHEAS OR DHEA was quite high. If it's DHEAS there is something he can do to fix it that doesn't effect getting pg. If testosterone is high out of luck because BCP is the treatment. 

I had an u/s and he said my ovaries looked just as he expected. Polycystic, multiple follicles on each side like cottage cheese just like they always do. I took my last Provera yesterday and have been spotting with pretty good cramps since yesterday afternoon. My lining was 7 so coooome onnnnn AF! 

Plan for this cycle is the testing. It may or may not be too late to do something this cycle. After my HSG he may have me come in for a baseline to see if anything is happening on it's own (HAHA!)  and if not we can possibly do something this cycle. If it looks like chances will be better (depending on DH's results and waht we decided to do) to just start with a fresh cycle I'll be doing Provera or progesterone injection again.

Now I just have to break the news to DH and to somehow sneak in the fact that if his results are poor, then IVF is really our only option...

[wissa19]

tooth fairy & shesaidboom - So sorry for the BFN's. 

Sila - Sounds like your new RE is a good change for you.  He sounds a lot like my RE, who told me with my PCOS he could make me ovulate.  The only catch to that was how many eggs we would get, but in the end he was right!   I hope your DH's swimmers aren't so poor you have to skip right to IVF.  However, it sounds like if you do egg # & quality might not be an issue for you.  ...And if I remember correctly from all my research on PCOS, lowering your insulin resistance is thought to lower testosterone....

toothfairy - I like the new name...a fresh start all the way around.  I was reading your post and it broke my heart.  The longing for a family...I remember how much it hurts.  Seriously, you did crash your diet.  However, you know what I say to that  Whatever!!!  Honestly, all the diet changes never did anything for me.  In fact, the cycle I got my BFP I ate half a bag of choc chips.   In the end it was getting the ovulation meds right.  I'm so hopeful that the surgery will help you and give you some answers.  Did you ever ask them about why the 6 week wait?   When I had my lap they on told us to wait a few day before BD (I basically had no restrictions).  Anyway, it makes me think they looking at serious endo for you. 

Sourire - I hope this is the cycle for you.  What cycle number is this for you on femara?  Have they increased your dose or plan on doing anything different?

Hope - Good luck with this IVF cycle!

Teresa - How did the IUIs go?  How's the 2WW?