March Chit Chat - Page 20 « Back to Group Discussions

[Becky Wheeler]

Billy and I got into a fight the other night about sex and him turning me down. In 6 years, I've been turned down everytime except twice. So, 4 nights ago, I'm feelin a need but know he's tired, so I tell him that I needed him the next night. Being me, I figured he remembered and it started to be evening of the next night. We were sitting on the couch and had ended a conversation and watched TV for a little bit. Then he said what he usually says when he doesn't want to have sex. *exasperated sigh* "I'm sorry honey. Please don't be mad at me." This DOES upset me, because it never fails that whenever I specify that I want to have sex, it's a no. So once I say something about it, it turns into a fight because it was a misunderstanding from something that was said a little bit before that. We've come to the conclusion that we can't keep fighting about this(happened in February as well about something mildly different) it'll tear us apart. And now, he's admitted that everytime I come onto him he'll feel obligated to not say no. This means that when I initiate, the sex will suck because it's an obligation. My biggest thing is, I don't understand why he can't take one for the team sometimes when I need it in between when HE wants to have sex. I'm not going to lie, our sex life has improved IMMENSELY from a year and a half ago. It used to be3-6 weeks in between and when we DID have it, it sucked because him not being physical made it not last long. I remember a few times I cried because I needed more and he was done. So now, it's once every 7-10 days and most of the time, I'm okay with that because I'm always ready to go nowadays. I just want to come onto him sometimes too, but now I can't.

[MrsKatie]

I think it's really important not to get caught up in anxiety of "how many times per week/month" you have sex.  For example, my ex and I used to DTD with insane frequency.  But in retrospect, it was because I was constantly trying to please him, and constantly seeking attention and approval from him, because I was so damn insecure about our relationship (with good reason).  Now, DH and I do not DTD as often.  Sometimes it's 2-3 times a week, and sometimes it's 2-3 times a month.  But I don't feel like I have anything to prove to him; he doesn't make me feel insecure and desperate for validation.  The point is not to hear how often other people DTD and judge yourself for how your number compares.  Just find what works for you.  Everything is ok!

[Becky Wheeler]

Originally Posted by MrsKatie 

I think it's really important not to get caught up in anxiety of "how many times per week/month" you have sex.  For example, my ex and I used to DTD with insane frequency.  But in retrospect, it was because I was constantly trying to please him, and constantly seeking attention and approval from him, because I was so damn insecure about our relationship (with good reason).  Now, DH and I do not DTD as often.  Sometimes it's 2-3 times a week, and sometimes it's 2-3 times a month.  But I don't feel like I have anything to prove to him; he doesn't make me feel insecure and desperate for validation.  The point is not to hear how often other people DTD and judge yourself for how your number compares.  Just find what works for you.  Everything is ok!

It's a little hard not to compare, when you're jealous of how much someone else is intimate with their SO because you're not happy with how much/little you're getting.
 

[jbk21]

Originally Posted by MrsKatie 

I think it's really important not to get caught up in anxiety of "how many times per week/month" you have sex.  For example, my ex and I used to DTD with insane frequency.  But in retrospect, it was because I was constantly trying to please him, and constantly seeking attention and approval from him, because I was so damn insecure about our relationship (with good reason).  Now, DH and I do not DTD as often.  Sometimes it's 2-3 times a week, and sometimes it's 2-3 times a month.  But I don't feel like I have anything to prove to him; he doesn't make me feel insecure and desperate for validation.  The point is not to hear how often other people DTD and judge yourself for how your number compares.  Just find what works for you.  Everything is ok!

Totally!  My DH and I are both okay with our frequency, and honestly we both know that this is as much as we can manage right now anyway.  
 

[Mal85]

Christina-- You're not alone. We've only dtd once since Greta was born and that was really just to check on the IUD strings to make sure he wasn't getting poked by them. It was 5 months before we dtd after DD1. He's pretty patient but the last couple of weeks he's been feeling neglected. Greta's sleep was so bad when she was on formula though so we were both exhausted. She was doing better until this ear infection hit. I'm hoping once this clears up we can get some time. DH would be happy with once a week.

[seraf]

I don't have much to contribute to this one. I don't count. DP is pregnant so she's always either enhausted or aroused at bedtime. I've always been more f a morning girl but now the baby is the first one up so I'm out of luck.

Because my libido is lower than hers (generally) I have occasionally given the gift (like for a birthday or whatever) of daily DTD for a month. I knew I wouldn't actually be in the mood every day but I did enjoy it every time, once we got going. And thinking about it during the day and planning little surprises certainly got me more excited.

No wifely duties here. It would be illegal for us to get married in Ohio.

[CDsMom1031]

We just do it when we have the time, energy, and desire. LOL Usually twice a week, sometimes more, rarely less. He gets all man frustrated if he doesn't get it. LOL Men.

[jbk21]

Sara- I challenged my DH to sex every day for 40 days early in our marriage- and you're right, once you HAVE to do it, you can start to get psyched about it.  It was hard at times, but we did it!  I wouldn't do it again though.   Good for you for giving that as a gift!

[birdhappy85]

I can see where Becky is coming from. It is a total societal misconception that men are always the "more eager" gender sexually, so it's a little hard to hear some women talking about their husbands' high sex drives in a way that kind of perpetuates the stereotype. (I'm not trying to offend anyone in any way! I'm just providing a different point of view.) I have more girl friends than not who are in relationships where they have higher libidos than their husbands. I'm in that same boat. Society has raised women to believe that their guys will want sex all the time and be the initiators. It's a serious blow to the female ego to be in an adult relationship and realize it was a lie. You feel unwanted, unworthy, rejected, and so many other terrible things. While some women (like many on this forum) have husbands who seem to want intimacy more than them, it's just not the case with all relationships and it's normal. But it is hard not to compare your sex life to other people's when you hear women turning down their husbands frequently, and all you'd like is for your own husband to approach you. I hope my daughter is brought up to realize there's a whole spectrum of what is normal in this regard. I don't want her feeling inadequate someday because of a stupid picture that society paints. I don't mean to sound bitter about things, although I know my bluntness on the subject may come across that way.  Just my two cents!

RE: Sex every day. DH and I tried that for about a month (or maybe that's just what we attempted and didn't make it that long? can't remember, lol). It brought us close and we enjoyed it, but MAN was that a lot of work.  I think by the second week we just had a total sense of humor about it when we'd go into the bedroom like, "Here we go again!" Hah!

[jbk21]

Aww Joanie, I think we can all appreciate you and Becky's perspective.  It would be hard to be on the other side of it, for sure.  I think from this conversation we can all learn to maybe adjust our own expectations.  For the ladies who are turning our men down, I think it's good to hear that it's hard to be rejected.  I certainly don't want my husband to feel rejected.  I also think it is important to have calm conversations about it that are NOT around the time when DTD is on ANYONE's radar so there are no extra emotions involved.  

And yes, the 40 days of DTD certainly made us feel closer!  

[Abraisme]

Joanie is right, there are just as many guys who have lower sex drives as women.  My DH is one of them.  While we dtd often enough (2-3 times a week), I think that is his maximum amount.  In the short time while I was pregnant and my dh was avoiding me, I really found respect for men that stay around for a long time without sex.  I remember thinking, if this went on for even a few months that I'd be strongly considering having an affair..  Sexual rejection is hard, in either direction.  To me it's about the connection and needing to feel desired.  It might be different for men, but I'm sure it's still tough.

[TalkToMeNow]

Joanie and Becky's experiences are part of the reason I have my 3-4 times per week goal. I have always been in relationships with partners that want sex more than me, whether they were male or female. When I'm not breastfeeding, I want it plenty; it just so happens that I seem to be with people who want it everyday! However, I definitely spent a large part of my adult life equating my self-worth with my desirability. If I would have been rejected, it would have been devastating for me. I'm not like that as much anymore, but I still think I'd be pretty upset if dh turned me down on a regular basis. 

Here are my thoughts on sex: it's really a small thing to do for a lot of happiness. I believe in the concept of love languages. Most people I've been with have had physical touch as their number one. Mine are acts of service and praise. I know I would feel awful if my partner ignored my need to be recognized and have a few simple things done for me. I would feel unloved. For people with the love language of physical touch, going without makes them feel that way. As partners, we need to meet each others needs. Does that mean putting out anyplace, anytime? No. But just trying a bit harder. 

I also think there should be frank, open discussions about what makes you want sex and what does not. When dh plays with the kids and helps with the dishes, those are good things. Grabbing my boobs while I'm mopping, not so much. I've had to encourage romantic touch rather than just groping. But, I also try to go along with the groping now and then. How hard is it for me to act flattered on occasion when dh grabs my butt? 

As for the actual dtd, I just go for it. So I may be thinking about turnips at first. After a while I will get into it. I don't think I've ever regretted that decision!   I also find that doing it earlier in the evening, like right after the kids are in bed, helps. Then I can stay up for a bit after if I want and read/ be alone. 

My personal opinion is that the importance of sex in a relationship is highly underrated. It brings partners closer, releases good hormones, bonds you more, and (usually) makes for a happier partner. A happier partner, IME, equals a more pleasant home life. 

Aaannndd... that said, it's missionary all the way right now. And there's not a chance in hell of a bj. But hey, better than nothing!!

Edited by TalkToMeNow - 3/26/12 at 7:40pm

[Abraisme]

I agree.

 

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Joanie and Becky's experiences are part of the reason I have my 3-4 times per week goal. I have always been in relationships with partners that want sex more than me, whether they were male or female. When I'm not breastfeeding, I want it plenty; it just so happens that I seem to be with people who want it everyday! However, I definitely spent a large part of my adult life equating my self-worth with my desirability. If I would have been rejected, it would have been devastating for me. I'm not like that as much anymore, but I still think I'd be pretty upset if dh turned me down on a regular basis. 

Here are my thoughts on sex: it's really a small thing to do for a lot of happiness. I believe in the concept of love languages. Most people I've been with have had physical touch as their number one. Mine are acts of service and praise. I know I would feel awful if my partner ignored my need to be recognized and have a few simple things done for me. I would feel unloved. For people with the love language of physical touch, going without makes them feel that way. As partners, we need to meet each others needs. Does that mean putting out anyplace, anytime? No. But just trying a bit harder. 

I also think there should be frank, open discussions about what makes you want sex and what does not. When dh plays with the kids and helps with the dishes, those are good things. Grabbing my boobs while I'm mopping, not so much. I've had to encourage romantic touch rather than just groping. But, I also try to go along with the groping now and then. How hard is it for me to act flattered on occasion when dh grabs my butt? 

As for the actual dtd, I just go for it. So I may be thinking about turnips at first. After a while I will get into it. I don't think I've ever regretted that decision!   I also find that doing it earlier in the evening, like right after the kids are in bed, helps. Then I can stay up for a bit after if I want and read/ be alone. 

My personal opinion is that the importance of sex in a relationship is highly underrated. It brings partners closer, releases good hormones, bonds you more, and (usually) makes for a happier partner. A happier partner, IME, equals a more pleasant home life. 

Aaannndd... that said, it's missionary all the way right now. And there's not a chance in hell of a bj. But hey, better than nothing!!

[birdhappy85]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

My personal opinion is that the importance of sex in a relationship is highly underrated. It brings partners closer, releases good hormones, bonds you more, and (usually) makes for a happier partner. A happier partner, IME, equals a more pleasant home life. 

SO true! I've noticed a direct correlation between lack of intimacy in the past two months and loss of connection between DH and I, which has led to a ridiculous amount of fights (non-sex-related) in the absence of good/happy feelings towards one another. I've never had such a lack of libido as I have while breastfeeding, and it got worse the longer we went between sexual encounters. I was having a harder and harder time enjoying sex in general anymore. Now that we're getting back on track, everything seems better all around. I think that old saying is true, "If you don't use it, you lose it!" It only took a few times to get me back in the mindset and regularly thinking about it again. I hate to think what would happen if we went without sex for 6 months --we would be in serious trouble... I think I'd be permanently broken. LOL

[Becky Wheeler]

EXACTLY, Joanie! I felt so lied to and betrayed as soon as I found out that men weren't the ones with high sex drives all the time. Especially after I figured out that it wasn't my body that made him not want it. He just didn't. I really wish that people could find someone that they're compatible with that has the same sex drives.

In regards to hubby coming up behind me while I'm busy with chores, etc, I would LOVE that! Absolutely love it. Being caught by surprise is THE best to me. I am SOOOO a physical love language person. And I'm pretty sure my husband is the praise kind of guy.

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

I can see where Becky is coming from. It is a total societal misconception that men are always the "more eager" gender sexually, so it's a little hard to hear some women talking about their husbands' high sex drives in a way that kind of perpetuates the stereotype. (I'm not trying to offend anyone in any way! I'm just providing a different point of view.) I have more girl friends than not who are in relationships where they have higher libidos than their husbands. I'm in that same boat. Society has raised women to believe that their guys will want sex all the time and be the initiators. It's a serious blow to the female ego to be in an adult relationship and realize it was a lie. You feel unwanted, unworthy, rejected, and so many other terrible things. While some women (like many on this forum) have husbands who seem to want intimacy more than them, it's just not the case with all relationships and it's normal. But it is hard not to compare your sex life to other people's when you hear women turning down their husbands frequently, and all you'd like is for your own husband to approach you. I hope my daughter is brought up to realize there's a whole spectrum of what is normal in this regard. I don't want her feeling inadequate someday because of a stupid picture that society paints. I don't mean to sound bitter about things, although I know my bluntness on the subject may come across that way.  Just my two cents!

RE: Sex every day. DH and I tried that for about a month (or maybe that's just what we attempted and didn't make it that long? can't remember, lol). It brought us close and we enjoyed it, but MAN was that a lot of work.  I think by the second week we just had a total sense of humor about it when we'd go into the bedroom like, "Here we go again!" Hah!

[wellforth]

I agree from my own experience that the longer I go without, the less it is on my mind.  At some point, it'd been 10-14 days, and I started to not want to have sex anymore, just not interested and actually avoiding it when my dh came to bed.  And then I was like, what the hell?!?!  I like sex!!!  I think we were both tired from the baby, and we had not really had the non-sex intimacy that is so important.  I talked with my dh and told him I was afraid of slipping out of the mood permanently like with my ex.  Since then we've made a concerted effort to find the time.  And I so appreciate that.  I think I'm more of a service/praise kind of person too, but I get plenty of that with my dh.  I mean, if he wasn't taking care of the baby and helping out around the house, I'd be a lot less interested in having sex; I just know it.

I feel like Becky in that I like having my butt grabbed, etc.  I don't usually get groped, but just enough touch to connect throughout the day.

I really enjoy not only the physical connection, but it also makes me feel emotionally and spiritually nourished.  I usually just feel this profound sense of love and appreciation after dtd.  I guess it's those love hormones! 

And I'm really glad my tear has finally healed 100%!

carey

[LunaLady]

I'm thankful for all the responses shared here! And thank you Amanda for what you wrote - that was really profound and just what I needed to hear. I don't think I've been empathetic enough with my DH. He's got to feel sooo badly about how much I reject and deny him! For the simplest things, too - like a hug and a kiss in the morning. I think I'm too sensitized to it. I just don't want to be touched! BUT - I think I am thinking too much about 'me' and not enough about him. Poor guy. I hope we can find the time maybe this week and I can surprise him. He'd really like that. I feel kind of uncomfortable being 'sexy', though, too. I'm just totally NOT sexy, so it makes me feel really weird trying to be all 'hot and bothered' and such. Awkward! 

[Becky Wheeler]

This topic sparked a conversation between hubby and I last night as far as love languages. One reason why I pinpointed that he is a praise/encouragement lover is that I see the light in his eyes when he tells me that he got complimented at work. Another is, telling him how much I appreciate what he does and how much I love him. One thing we fought about as far as sex was how much he works. I think that when we talk about not doing it enough or him turning me down kind of makes his job as household provider feel less important and that he needs to try harder. I know he tries pretty hard and I appreciate him. And while we were fighting, I wondered if I was asking too much of him.

[Becky Wheeler]

Originally Posted by LunaLady 

I'm thankful for all the responses shared here! And thank you Amanda for what you wrote - that was really profound and just what I needed to hear. I don't think I've been empathetic enough with my DH. He's got to feel sooo badly about how much I reject and deny him! For the simplest things, too - like a hug and a kiss in the morning. I think I'm too sensitized to it. I just don't want to be touched! BUT - I think I am thinking too much about 'me' and not enough about him. Poor guy. I hope we can find the time maybe this week and I can surprise him. He'd really like that. I feel kind of uncomfortable being 'sexy', though, too. I'm just totally NOT sexy, so it makes me feel really weird trying to be all 'hot and bothered' and such. Awkward! 

HEY! YOU are a wonderful, beautiful woman! And you know what? You can be the most drop dead gorgeous woman on the planet and have an unflattering sexuality. If you work with what you got, and have a good attitude about yourself, you can gravitate any man you want. Sexuality goes much deeper than looks.

[Jaimee]

I understand that I am most likely in the extreme minority here.  Sex has rarely been something I've enjoyed.    From the beginning it has been painful or at least uncomfortable almost every time and I can count on one hand the number of times that I have actually had a good, fulfilling orgasm from sex.  No less than 8 gynecologists have attempted to determine the source of my pain and eventually conclusions were made and solutions suggested.  But none of the solutions fully solved the problem, nor did childbirth.  It's not like dh doesn't try or isn't willing to experiment to find says to make sex more enjoyable for me, but in 13 years of being together we have not yet found an answer.  So for me, I often regret the decision to have sex.  I come out the other end sore, unfulfilled and wishing I had spent the time doing something else.  So for us, it's not as simple as one partner having more of a drive than the other or one person feeling rejected by the other. 

Of course, I can see that sex does help dh to feel better.  Our interactions are always more pleasant and tender when we're having sex more regularly.  But to me this seems unfair.  Why does he get to enjoy sex and I don't?   And when I'm feeling particularly bitter, I think to myself, why do I have to do this uncomfortable, fulfilling thing in order to have more pleasant interactions with my partner?  Whatever happened to intimacy in other ways?  Why doesn't cuddling, kissing, massaging, etc. accomplish the same goal?  But the reality is that it does not.  And you all are right, the longer you go between, the less I want to do it, and the less I want to do it, the longer we go between in a vicious cycle.  I had thought about setting up a schedule of sorts to try and get in the mood, to try to make things more regular and therefore more enjoyable.  But dh actually did not like that at all.  He felt like I was forcing myself to have sex.  He's right.  But what else can I do?  How can I change my thoughts?  That's what I need to work on.  I need to lower my expectations to "maybe it won't hurt" or "dh will be happier afterward." 

And it's not like this is something easy to talk about with others or even to find information about on the internet.  It's not like I haven't tried.  But I start to just give up.  It's just one more thing that I have no time to spend time on.  Anyway, if anyone else has more ideas about how to get things moving, fulfilling, more romantic, easier, more playful, etc. I'm all ears.